Disillusionment has set in
through this Wasteland
and Holden Caulfield has become my guide.
Plath grips my heart and I feel
Disjointed,
Out of touch.
I’m the one leaf that refuses to change.
Is there anyone left that is real?
Anyone left that is pure?
The soulless, tarnished venom
are smoldering in their ring of hell
and the flames of the inferno are licking at me
tempting me to join them in their dance,
their banality.
Very few stand out,
even less take a stand.
And like that leaf, still, I cling to the tree
hoping to catch some ground-without having to fall-
Hoping some light will be shed and
I won’t find myself alone.
But I feel so very much alone
I’d like to think I’m the Joan of Arc
of the lost virtue in the world.
Often not understood and deemed a heretic because I don’t follow the norm—
And what is the norm anymore?
It’s a rat race to be perverse
and old –fashioned values have been tossed out
like dirty bath water.
When really, it should be the other way around.
I claim to see through the bullshit
that’s doled out on a regular basis by
those with hidden agenda’s, but
I often wonder if really see things as they are
or is it just my perception and is my insight off?
Am I looking for it too hard because of all that’s been said and done before?
I can be such a hypocrite
and it tears at my soul to be so.
My house is not clean; there are shards of glass,
but I like to think that I am capable of learning
from past wrongs by refusing to make them again.
My innocence is often judged,
my lack of experience cited
and I find that unfair,
a justification for others
to continue on
because I just don’t ‘know any better’.
I live in this world too!
If sex is just sex
and love is taken out of the equation
then why do so many
whine when their partner doesn’t want something real with them?
How is it that feelings get produced in the wake of a liaison?
All I can say is: Don’t fucking cry to me when you’ve lied to yourself.
Hello world! It’s me.
Just fed up, disillusioned,
lied to,
forced to listen to bullshitters who just want to make
it ‘okay’ for them to do whatever the hell they want
and ruin it for those that want truth, justice, love and all that rot
that’s supposed to make the world go round.
Is it any wonder Holden Caulfield had a nervous breakdown? ~ Poem by Me
Buffy stared at Doyle, her mind racing with all sorts of questions about what exactly he meant by that statement. “What?” was all she could manage to get out, but it covered the broad spectrum of thought currently circling round her brain.
“I want to take you out.”
“We are out. You take me out all the time,” she told him bluntly, matter-of-factly, and almost rudely.
“I mean on a date, Buffy,” Doyle said calmly, not the least bit put off by her sudden bad humor.
“Why?” she demanded.
”What do you mean, why? Don’t you know what it means when someone asks you out on a date?”
Buffy shook her head, “No, I don’t. I know what it means when someone wants to fuck me. I don’t date. I fuck. You of all people should know that by now. Where is this coming from? What part of this package you see before you do you want? The part where I fuck you?”
“Would you stop saying that?” Doyle hissed at her, “And so loudly, too? What are you getting so upset about?”
“Because I don’t know what you want from me!”
“I …I want to take you out, Buffy. I want to take you out on a date. I want to date you. God, I’ve never had to explain to someone why I wanted to date them before or what it means to say ‘let me take you out.’”
“Well, you’re looking at the new Buffy. This new and improved Buffy looks for the catch and the possible bullshit that you’re gonna feed me as to why you want to go out with me. Is it because of the sordid tails I’ve told you, Doyle, is that it? Is it because you want to see what it’s like to be with a real live whore?”
“Would you stop saying crap like that?”
“Why not? It’s true!”
“You’re putting something on me that isn’t true and I’m trying very much to figure out why you would think that is what I’m after. How long have we been friends, Buffy? How long have I heard those ‘sordid’ tales and haven’t made one move on you? How many men have I offered to beat the shit out of for not treating you with respect—“
“You can’t treat someone with respect if they don’t deserve it. What have I done to deserve any of that?”
”So, this isn’t about me wanting to date you because I happen to think the world of you, this has to do with what it means for you to date me.”
“Yes!”
“So then tell me, Buffy, what does it mean for you that I want to date you?”
“It means that I’m not good enough for you.”
”I love how his entrance back in your life reduces you to this,” Doyle muttered.
“This has nothing to do with him.”
“Doesn’t it? You were fine the entire time you were pregnant. You were fine without him, and he comes along and now look at you.”
“Look at me, what?” Buffy demanded, glaring at him.
“You’re a self-doubting mess!”
“It’s not him! It’s me, Doyle. I was like this when I was pregnant too; I just didn’t let it show. I didn’t tell anyone about it is all. I just feel so …tarnished. So used. And I feel like a hypocrite for casting stones at Spike when I haven’t exactly been the paragon of virtue. I just feel like love and all of that is so far removed from me and I want it so bad. I just feel like it’s too late for me and that I can’t have it unless it’s messy and full of drama and riddled with entanglements.” Reaching across the table, she took Doyle’s hand in hers. “Doyle, you’re so good and perfect and I’m so…not.”
“I’m not perfect, Buffy. No one is. I’m human and I make mistakes too.”
“Not like I have.”
“So that’s it then? You just throw in the towel because you made a few bad choices—“
“A few?”
“You’re giving up. Half the battle has already been fought. You know what you want, and you know you want better for yourself than what you had before. Doesn’t that count for something?”
“I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to do anything that could possibly end in disaster.”
”Would dating Spike make it better for you?”
”That’s not fair.”
“Or do you want to go back to your old ways and by denying someone that is real and without a hidden agenda, it makes it okay for you to do that. I mean, when you think that all you’re good for is a fuck, and when you think that you’re not deserving of anything else but a quick fuck and a casual ‘see you later’, then maybe it makes it that much easier to go back to doing it.”
“God, I feel like I’m suddenly in the middle of a really bad after school special,” Buffy muttered.
“Don’t avoid the topic by getting all cheeky about it, lass.”
Sighing heavily, Buffy sat back and regarded him thoughtfully. “Why?”
“Why what?”
”Why do you want to date me, Doyle? Make me see what you see.”
Doyle’s expression softened immediately. “Buffy, I think you’re a wonderful woman. So energetic, fun and witty. You are so incredibly intelligent and even though you don’t see it—“ he said off Buffy’s snort of disbelief, “I do. You have such a kind, generous heart and despite how jaded you claim to be, I see someone that still wants happy endings and believes in fairy tales. I’ve cared about you for so long, Buffy—“
“Oh, Doyle,” she whispered. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”
“I was afraid to. And you were between boyfriends all the time—“
“If you can even call them that,” Buffy said dryly.
“So I never told you. I didn’t think you’d be interested in goofy ol’ Doyle.”
“What made you want to tell me now?”
“I’m here, you’re here. I want to give it a shot. Just give it a try, Buffy, that’s all I’m asking for. I’m not asking for marriage here. I’m just asking that you let me take you out, that you let me treat you like a Queen. I think you deserve that and I think you need it right now.”
Buffy nodded, “I do,” she whispered.
“Let me?”
Buffy studied him, her best friend, her sudden hope for salvation. If Doyle saw good in her, then surely there had to be. Right? Maybe in time he could really make her see and feel what he saw and felt in her. Maybe her sins would be stripped and she’d be cleansed from the torridness that seemed to follow and plague her every step.
“Yes, Doyle,” she told him finally. “I’ll go out with you.”