Come on try a little, nothing is forever,
there’s got to be something better
than in the middle.~ One Headlight, Wallflowers
Prison gates won't open up for me
On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'
Oh, I reach for you
Well I'm terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can't hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm fallin'
And all I see is you
These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I'm callin'
And all I need from you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin' ~ Savin’ Me, Nickelback
True to his word, William was there when she arrived, but instead of waiting for her to come to him, he came running out to greet her just as it started to rain. He looked worried and contemplative, his main concern seemed, as hers had been, to get to Brandon. Working together to get the car seat out of the cab, William paid her fare, waving her money away, and told her to get inside.
Running inside, Buffy turned to find William not far behind, having adjusted Brandon’s little canopy on his car seat so that their baby was covered from the pelting drops. For some reason, at that moment, he looked more like a father taking care of his child than he ever had before and she felt her heart swell at the sight. When he came inside, he stood before her, set Brandon down on the floor beside him, and immediately gathered Buffy up in his arms.
”Are you all right?” he asked softly, holding her in a tight bear hug.
She shivered, the contrast of cool to warm causing her skin to break out in goosebumps. “I’m fine.”
“I’m so sorry she came to see you,” he murmured and cupped her face in his hands, gazing down at her imploringly.
She swallowed hard, forcing herself to not look at his lips and telling herself that this was not a time for kissing. Even if at that moment, it seemed the natural next move. Sinking into that kind of comfort from him would just lead to more upheaval and confusion. Best to keep it simple.
“It’s not your fault,” she tried, but William was hearing none of it.
He shook his head and picked Brandon back up, motioning for her to head toward the elevator. “How can you say that?”
Pushing the button for the elevator, Buffy turned to him. “It’s not your fault she’s nutter.”
William grinned, “Adopting my phrases there, pet?”
She shrugged, “Why not?”
William sighed and shook his head again. “You can’t deny the fact that it’s because of me this is happening.”
Truth was, she couldn’t deny it. Not completely anyway. Turning back round, she contemplated the facts. He was at the heart of it all. He and Cecily, their marriage, his infidelity, his leaving – all of it was him right at the center of it. And now she was drug into it, Brandon along for the bumpy ride. On the other hand—
“I think Cecily would have done this no matter if you’d been faithful or not. And besides, do you know for certain that she knows anything about…us?”
“No, I don’t.”
“Then it’s all up for debate on that,” Buffy said, turning back to him. “I have a feeling that Cecily would have done the same thing no matter what. Say she doesn’t know about me from before, and just found out now. For all she knows, I’m your long-lost cousin, or a new friend you made. I could be anybody to you and she doesn’t know it.”
“Chances are she does if she knows where you work and has your name.”
“Not necessarily. She can find out any number of facts on me, but until she investigates deeper, she can’t know what your relationship is to me. Until then it’s all based on hearsay.”
“Smart bird, you are,” William mused, smirking.
Buffy grinned at him just as the elevator floors dinged open. Stepping inside she said, “Well, it’s like I tell my students, sure you have a text in front of you that backs up an idea you have, but your job as a researcher is to find other texts to back you up. You can’t just take one persons word for it. The same goes for Cecily. She’s got a text,” and she held up the file,” in front of her, but she has nothing to back it up except this one text. We weren’t fornicating on the bench, William. We were talking, and you were holding Brandon. For all she knows, I was some woman that just told you I was your half sister that you never knew about and you were giving me a kiss on the forehead out of joy to have a half-sister and a nephew.”
“And if she has evidence to the contrary?”
“Then that’s why I’m here. In case she does.”
He fell silent as they rode the rest of the way to his apartment. He was back to being contemplative. Following him down, she wondered what he was thinking and marveling at how the roles had reversed from needing him to calm her and now she was the one calming him.
He stayed silent as he helped her change Brandon into something dry and Buffy sensed he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. He retreated to the kitchen to warm Brandon’s bottle and when she started to feed her now crying little bundle, William opened the file and sorted through them, his gaze turning darker and sadder with every picture.
He looked up, finally, at her. “Why are you doing this?”
“Doing what?”
“Why are you sticking through this? It’d be so much easier if you just went and hell, I’d completely get it.”
”Do you want me to go?”
”Yes.”
That hurt. “Why?”
“Because I don’t want you to have to be part of this. Because I don’t want him to be part of this. Buffy, she tried to get you fired today.”
“She didn’t succeed.”
“That’s not the point!” William exclaimed and jumped up, now pacing.
“Well, it feels like a small victory to me.”
“Yeah, that’s just it. Small. Who knows what the fuck else she has planned? I mean did you know that I’m virtually unhirable? I have tried already to submit my resume out and I’ve gotten a ‘no thank you’ or ‘we’re not hiring at this time’ by every single place I’ve tried. Do you think that’s a coincidence?”
“Well the economy is tough right now, William--”
“Fuck the goddamn economy and you know it. It’s her, it’s them.”
“Will--”
He held up his hand. “No more excuses.” Raking a hand through his hair, he took a ragged sigh and sat, burying his face in his hands, hunching forward. “I should just go back to her. Go back to her and make it all stop. It’s too much.”
“You defeatist son of a bitch,” Buffy spat through clenched teeth.
William’s head popped up and his eyes widened. “What?”
“You heard me. You’re such a…giver upper!”
“Buffy, I’m trying to do what’s best here.”
“Don’t tell me that it’s just for me and for Brandon either. No, it’s for you, not for us. You want to give up because it’d be easier for you at this point.”
He stared at her, blinking.
“And if that’s what you really want to do, then tell me now and me and Brandon will go. If you think about fighting me to see him, I will file against you, because I am not going to have my son around that psycho, and I am sure as hell not going to let him be raised by a fucking coward.”
William still continued to stare.
“And you’re just going to have to wait until I finish feeding him before I leave cause otherwise he’s going to flip out on me--”
“Buffy, I’m not going back to her.”
“What?”
“I’m not going back to her.”
“Then why--”
“Because I am a coward. I have cowardly moments, but…but even I can see how terrible it’d be if I gave in to those feelings of making things ‘easier’ by going back. And it’s what she wants, obviously, and I’ve been very much struck lately by not wanting to give that bitch what she wants. It’s just…looking at these pictures, Buffy, it makes it hard to see them and see you and him and…” he shook his head. “So yeah, I have those moments when I think I should throw in the towel and make it easy because it’s what I know to do.”
“Will?”
”Yeah?”
“Was it ever really that easy before?”
He stared at her and then started laughing. “No, pet, it wasn’t, it really wasn’t.”
“So wouldn’t you rather just do this and be done with it than go back and live through hell? The pay off at the end will be so much better.”
”It’s everything in the interim that sucks.”
”Well, yes, that’s usually how it is.”
“You’re just chock full of good advice, aren’t you?”
“Only when it comes others,” she said dryly.
“I want to take these to my attorney’s,” William said, gesturing to the file.
“I figured as much. Maybe they can step up whatever it is they’re doing.”
“Yeah, like following her.”
“We’ll get through this, William, we will.”
He stared at her, his expression tender and full of awe. “It’s really not your battle, luv. Why are being here for me, when really, I should be there for you?”
“Because I know what it’s like to stumble, fall, get up, stumble again, fall, stumble yet again, et cetera. I’m still stumbling and falling and still getting up. I’m working on coasting next. I’m thinking it all hinges on how I handle the wreck and walk away from it. If I can coast, I figure I’ll be good.”
William chuckled. “You think you can teach me how to do that?”
“Maybe we can learn how together.”
William smiled, “I’d like that.”