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CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Buffy pressed her forehead against the window to get a better view of the large kitchen yard spread out below. The innkeepers’ elder daughter, Nareetha, was hard at work milking what apparently passed for a cow in this dimension. It was slightly smaller than its California counterpart and kind of bumpy-looking, too – like the worst case of acne she’d ever seen, times infinity. But, unlike a normally placid cow, this creature’s temperament must have been as ugly as its appearance. Buffy could clearly hear it growling even through the closed window, and she couldn’t help but smirk at the animal’s constant attempts to nip at the other woman’s arms.
Of course, she wouldn’t ordinarily take pleasure in such a thing, but she didn’t like this Nareetha person. At all. Not that said person was likely to care much, since said person was too busy throwing herself at Spike every time he turned around. Buffy might have been jumping through hoops to avoid him, but she’d seen enough to know that much, at least.
Buffy’s stroll down the jealousy path jerked to an abrupt halt, ended by a sudden flurry of commotion outside the inn. Unintelligible shouts were followed by the sound of clanging metal and pounding hooves, growing louder for a moment before receding into the distance. She turned her head, straining hard to see beyond the yard, but the outer walls of the inn and surrounding buildings stubbornly blocked her view.
Before she could follow her instincts and seek out the trouble, Buffy caught a flash of movement in her peripheral vision. It drew her gaze back down to the kitchen yard just as Reema and Tondor’s younger daughter appeared. What did Angel call her…Meesa? That sounded right.
A brief, animated conversation took place between the sisters, with much gesturing from both parties. Nareetha ended it with a sharp shrug of her shoulders as she motioned the younger woman to take her place at the cow-thingie’s side. But instead of disappearing into the inn, as Buffy fully expected, Nareetha crossed to a strange-looking contraption located at the center of the yard. There, she began pumping a steady stream of water into an adjacent metal trough. Drinking water…for the livestock, Buffy hoped.
She had less than two seconds to puzzle over the scene before a familiar tingling sensation assailed her and a sharp knock sounded at the door. Buffy quickly closed the shutters, blocking out all but a thin frame of light, then lifted her chin, squared her shoulders and prepared to face the inevitable.
She opened the door. Spike stood there, his face reflecting a mixture of uncertainty and determination.
“Thought you’d be here sooner.” She tried to sound calm and matter of fact, but her voice wouldn’t cooperate. It came out more like a plaintive six-year-old, and that was so not how she wanted to do this.
As she took in the surprised look Spike gave her, she had to bite her lip to keep from smiling. She stepped back, opening the door wide in silent invitation as Spike went from surprised to guarded. Long seconds passed, with no move on his part.
When she realized why, a little pang shot through her. “Sorry. Duh. Spike, come in. Please.”
His head tilted in that familiar way that never failed to get to her, blue eyes scanning her face as if he could see straight into her soul. Which, sometimes, she’d swear he could. Other times, especially lately…not so much.
Not sure just how much she wanted him to see, Buffy played it safe and looked away. Her gaze fell upon the rustic bed that took up most of the room’s space, its rough-woven sheets still rumpled from her vain attempt at napping earlier in the day. But that only conjured up memories of other beds, and other rumpled sheets, and the things she and Spike had done to make them that way…
She slammed the brakes hard on that train of thought and instantly shifted her attention to a plump, hide-covered chair shoehorned into one corner of the room. But that reminded her of the chair in Spike’s old crypt and the interesting hours they’d spent dreaming up various ways to…
No, no, no! Bad, Buffy. Do not go there.
She could only hope that Spike was too preoccupied to notice her ill-timed state of arousal. Gritting her teeth and still avoiding his gaze, Buffy waited until the faint rustle of clothing – and an overwhelming conviction that the room had suddenly grown much smaller – told her it was safe to close the door.
She turned to find Spike disconcertingly close, that damn head tilt still in full play. He shrugged a little, sidetracking her with the subtle flexing of muscles under his borrowed shirt. She really, really hoped Giles would let him keep it when they got back, because she so did not want to associate this massive pang of longing and desire with anything remotely related to her Watcher.
Spike’s voice overrode her wandering thoughts.
“Would’ve been here sooner, but Angel had this notion you didn’t want to see me. He thought it would make it worse, whatever it is.”
Why was she not surprised to hear that Angel had gone all Mr. Protective? Even if he didn’t have the slightest idea what he was protecting her from. She could hardly blame him, under the circumstances, but she did wonder exactly what he’d told Spike.
“Why did he think that?”
“Dunno. Maybe it’s the way you keep not being there whenever I come around.”
It could have been an accusation, but it didn’t sound like one. It felt more like a question, and a natural opening for what had to come next. So Buffy took it.
“Spike, there’s something…” She stopped. Looked at the wall, at the ceiling, at his scuffed boots planted firmly in front of her – anywhere but into those electric blue eyes. “Damn it, how am I supposed to tell you this? After everything you’ve been through. Knowing how much it means to you…”
She trailed off again. The silence in the room flowed between them like a live current. Through it all, Spike waited silently. For what might be the first time since she’d known him, his face told her nothing.
“Okay. Not the best start,” she said. “Backing up some…when Giles called me to England, I didn’t know you were there. I thought you were dead. And then I found out you weren’t, and I felt so many things. I wanted to help you. To be there for you. I wanted to love you and save you, like you saved me. Because that’s what you did. You know that, right?”
He still wasn’t moving, wasn’t responding in any way. Buffy looked down and caught herself fiddling with the buttons on her shirt. It was so stupid. She couldn’t say things right. Couldn’t even figure out what to do with her hands. She decided to talk to his feet.
“I know you would’ve done anything for me. You have…so many times. I just wanted to do the same for you. And I did. But then you woke up and it wasn’t how I thought it would be. You got so angry. Acted so stupid. And I got mad and acted stupid, too, but I figured, hey, that’s what we do, right? And sooner or later we’d get things sorted out and it would be okay and we could make it up to each other. For that, and for everything else.”
She lifted her head. Met his gaze head on. “But the whole time I knew something wasn’t right. I felt it. And you just kept on with the stupid. And, okay, I wasn’t much better. Got that. Then we found Angel. And he was human because of that shoe-thingy. And when I talked to him I realized…I realized…I mean…”
And still he just watched her with his very quiet, insanely beautiful, totally impossible-to-read face. Buffy shifted a bit. Welcomed the hard feel of the heavy wooden door against her back. Reminded herself that she was the Slayer. She could do this…had to do this.
“Look, I messed up. I got it wrong. And I won’t blame you if you hate me for it. I should’ve told you right away. Denial Girl strikes again. But you deserve the truth, so…” She took a deep breath. “Spike, I—”
“Don’t.”
She blinked. He’d barely breathed the word and for a second she wasn’t sure he’d actually spoken.
“Don’t say it.”
Check. He’d spoken. Great. Barely two minutes into her confession and already he didn’t want to talk to her. “Spike—”
His voice was harsh. “I mean it, Buffy! Don’t say it! I already know.”
Duh. Of course he knew. He’d been talking to Gunn…and Angel, too. He must have figured it out the same way she had. Part of her felt relieved that she didn’t have to tell him what he’d lost because of her, but the other part of Buffy thought she was getting off way too easily.
Or…judging by his now-stormy expression, maybe not.
She scrambled to explain. “I swear I didn’t know. Honestly. I mean, I know that’s no consolation. But if I had known, I never would’ve done what I did to…to wake you up. I would’ve let you stay in the coma.”
It was true. She’d loved being in his arms again, and yes…she could admit she’d gotten off on the bitey part. But if she could go back and give it up so that Spike could be human like he wanted, she totally would. So why was he looking at her as if she’d suddenly grown two heads?
“Bloody hell. Bit blunt there, slayer. Should be glad you finally see the right of it, I s’pose, but can’t say as I care for the reasoning. Couldn’t dress it up a bit?”
It was Buffy’s turn to stare. “Huh?”
“Something like…there’s a special place for me in your heart? You love me, but he needs you more? We’ll always have Sunnydale?”
Buffy could have sworn her brain was shutting down. “What? He? Who he? And again…huh?”
He ran an agitated hand through his hair, resulting in that slightly mussed-up look she loved. Which didn’t seem quite as adorable as it usually did, considering the laser-beam glare he was directing at her.
“Least you could do is give a vamp his pride before you kick him to the curb!”
At that, something finally fired in Buffy’s dormant synapses and her mouth snapped shut. Squinting hard, she held up a hand. “Okay. Wait. Are we having the same conversation here, ’cause I’m thinking not.” She stepped away from the door, deliberately invading his space, and touched his arm. It was the first physical contact they’d had since she’d tackled him in the street. “Exactly what are we talking about in your version?”
He looked down at her hand then back up, regarding her with a wary gaze. But she saw something spark in his eyes, and when he spoke again, his voice lacked its previous accusing tone.
“You. Angel. Lettin’ me down easy. Can’t say I haven’t been expectin’ it.”
Buffy held his gaze for a beat longer. Then she pulled her hand back, breaking contact.
“Coward.”
Spike’s brow furrowed.
After the emotional roller coaster ride he’d just put her through, Buffy took perverse satisfaction in his obvious confusion. “You’re not upset because you think I don’t love you. You’re upset because I do.”
He blinked. “What the bloody hell are you on about, slayer?”
“Just the truth. You can’t handle it. I know enough from things Angel has said, things that you’ve let slip. It’s fine as long as you can follow someone around, mooning over them, all big with the unrequited love. But just let it be requited for one second and you’re running for the nearest exit!” She folded her arms. “Guess that explains all the drama when you woke up and found us in bed doing…stuff.”
Spike huffed, then scowled. “You’ve gone completely starkers.”
“Admit it. I gave myself to you. Totally. No holding back. And you couldn’t handle it.”
“What I couldn’t handle was coming so close to killing you!”
She scoffed. “As if.”
“I bloody well could have! And you wouldn’t have stopped me. Because that’s what you get off on, isn’t it?”
Buffy stiffened. “Oh, we are not going there again,” she warned. “I’m so over that.”
“Not talkin’ about a death wish, love. Talkin’ about the danger. And the power. That’s what draws you, isn’t it? Wouldn’t have looked twice at me, I’ll warrant, if I’d been livin’, breathin’ and clerking in an office somewhere.” He jabbed an accusing finger at her. “It’s not who I am, it’s what I am. That’s what really does it for you, isn’t it?”
She stared at him in disbelief. “Oh, my god, Spike. Feel free to get over yourself any time now.”
He nodded vehemently, almost bouncing in place with the force of his conviction. “And it’s not just me, is it? It’s the others, too. Could just as easily be one of them standin’ here now if things had gone a bit differently.”
“Excuse me, but didn’t we just go over this last night? I can’t help it that you’re not my first! Or my only! I had a life before you came along. I had one before we fell out of hate with each other. And, yes, you’re not the only man I’ve ever loved. Is that what this is about? Some kind of insecurity complex?”
“Inferiority. And, no, it’s neither. Just statin’ facts. Angel. Your super-honey soldier boy. Me. Oh, and let’s not forget The Immortal!” He snorted. “There’s no missin’ the pattern there, love. Unless you’ve got some non-supernatural sweethearts I don’t know of knockin’ about?”
Now he really had her blood boiling.
“You can’t be serious. You, Mr. Pot-Kettle-Black, are actually accusing me of having some kind of super-power fetish? Which I so do not! You’re not even making sense. You accuse me of dumping you, a super-powered vampire, for Angel, who last time I checked is…Hello! Human! You can’t have it both ways. Either I want normal, or I want you!”
Spike leaned in close, his nose almost touching hers. His voice dropped to a low rumble that she felt all the way down to her toes.
“Face it, slayer. A real boy could never keep up with you, and I don’t just mean in bed. You know it. I know it. So choose him, if you like. But you’re never gonna be satisfied.”
Buffy stared, totally incredulous. He wasn’t even listening to her. He was so caught up in his…whatever it was…that nothing she’d said had even registered.
“He’ll never give you what you want.”
When she thought back to how hard she’d grieved for him. How she’d tried to make amends.
“He’ll never make you happy.”
While he hadn’t even bothered to tell her he was back among the living...
“He’ll never know you the way I do.”
She snapped.
Grabbing Spike by the front of his borrowed shirt, she strong-armed him across the room, never losing contact as she slammed his back against the wall. She’d narrowly missed shoving him through the window, but that thought barely registered.
He met her eyes defiantly, his expression both guarded and openly challenging. She knew that look. She remembered it well. He was waiting for her to hit him. Waiting for her to kiss him. To fall back into old patterns and prove that everything he’d said was still true.
She stopped, took a steadying breath, and let him go.
“I promised myself I would never do that again, but god, Spike, you make me so crazy! You get these stupid ideas and then you just run with them. How have you survived this long? Seriously.” She stepped up close, tilting her head back to gaze into his face. His eyes locked with hers. “Look…I love you, you idiot vampire. I mean it now, and I meant it then. I should’ve said it sooner, but I didn’t know! I mean, I knew you were important to me…for a lot of reasons. But I didn’t know know. And when I did, I tried to tell you but you were all Mr. Condescending I’m Saving the World So I Know Everything. And for the record? I am so tired of always apologizing for everything I did or didn’t do!”
Spike’s eyebrow rose. Buffy’s gaze dropped.
“In my head,” she clarified meekly.
She looked up. Felt herself falling into Spike’s awestruck gaze. It took her back to another time and another place – a place they’d left so far behind, but one that was still so much a part of them. As she watched, his eyes softened and his hand rose to caress her hair. That took her back even further, to the night of their first real kiss.
“Got nothing you need to apologize for, Buffy.”
She smiled sadly. “I wish that was true. You don’t know how much. That’s what I was trying to tell you when you went all Drama Queen on me.”
“Buffy—”
“It was supposed to be yours.”
“What was, pet?”
“That prophecy thing.”
“The Shanshu?”
She nodded. “It was yours, not Angel’s. I took it away from you. It’s my fault that Angel’s human and you’re not.”
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TBC in Chapter 18
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Author's Chapter Notes:
So sorry for the long delay in updating. Life suddenly got crazy-hectic and it’s been a non-stop roller coaster ride ever since.
For anyone still following this story, I come bearing new chapters. Posting the first of them tonight. And so you won’t have to go back and re-read the earlier chapters (unless you reeeeally want to), here’s a recap of the action thus far…
Recap: Buffy gets a mysterious summons from Giles that takes her to his estate in England. There, she finds Spike who, along with Illyria, was teleported out of the NFA alley in the midst of the big battle. Only hitch is, he’s in an unexplained comatose state, which may or may not have something to do with the infamous Shanshu prophecy.
Buffy finally figures out the quickest way to wake him up. (Any guesses as to what that would be? Heh.) But Spike’s a little pissed off that Buffy put her life at risk to do it, and Buffy’s pissed that he’s pissed. So…surprise, surprise…they’re not really talking to each other the way they should be. Which makes rescuing Angel and Gunn from an alternate dimension just a wee bit tricky, but those stubborn kids are gonna give it a shot anyway.
Shortly after arriving in the alternate dimension, the two get a little…um…distracted. Then Buffy says something stupid and Spike says something stupid and…well, I think you can see where this is heading. And then things really heat up...literally...when that pesky NFA dragon shows up. But that's nothing compared to what happens once Buffy finally tracks down Angel. It's deja vu with the Angel kissage, though Buffy's heart isn't in that relationship anymore. But good luck convincing Spike of that when he sees them and storms off. So this time it’s Buffy who’s chasing after Spike, but that doesn’t work out so well, and now they find themselves at a bit of a stalemate.
In the meantime, daylight strands them at an inn and tavern (since Spike and sunshine aren’t mixy things) where a newly shanshued Angel and a fully recovered Gunn have been living for months with a local family. While Spike catches up with Gunn, Angel and Buffy have a long heart-to-heart. Angel realizes Buffy loves Spike and wants a future with him. And Buffy is convinced Spike’s mysterious coma was actually part of the Shanshu process and that her attempts to wake him up have prevented him from becoming human.
Buffy feels a wee bit guilty and starts avoiding Spike, who knows something is up but isn’t having much luck cornering his slayer. Angel thinks Buffy wants a human Spike. Spike thinks Buffy wants a vampire Angel. Buffy dreads having to tell Spike that he’s lost his Shanshu because of her.
Before anything can be resolved, Angel and Gunn rush off to hunt down a band of demon raiders, also sucked into this dimension at the same time as Angel and Gunn, leaving the way open for a long-overdue discussion between our two hard-headed blondes…
For anyone still following this story, I come bearing new chapters. Posting the first of them tonight. And so you won’t have to go back and re-read the earlier chapters (unless you reeeeally want to), here’s a recap of the action thus far…
Recap: Buffy gets a mysterious summons from Giles that takes her to his estate in England. There, she finds Spike who, along with Illyria, was teleported out of the NFA alley in the midst of the big battle. Only hitch is, he’s in an unexplained comatose state, which may or may not have something to do with the infamous Shanshu prophecy.
Buffy finally figures out the quickest way to wake him up. (Any guesses as to what that would be? Heh.) But Spike’s a little pissed off that Buffy put her life at risk to do it, and Buffy’s pissed that he’s pissed. So…surprise, surprise…they’re not really talking to each other the way they should be. Which makes rescuing Angel and Gunn from an alternate dimension just a wee bit tricky, but those stubborn kids are gonna give it a shot anyway.
Shortly after arriving in the alternate dimension, the two get a little…um…distracted. Then Buffy says something stupid and Spike says something stupid and…well, I think you can see where this is heading. And then things really heat up...literally...when that pesky NFA dragon shows up. But that's nothing compared to what happens once Buffy finally tracks down Angel. It's deja vu with the Angel kissage, though Buffy's heart isn't in that relationship anymore. But good luck convincing Spike of that when he sees them and storms off. So this time it’s Buffy who’s chasing after Spike, but that doesn’t work out so well, and now they find themselves at a bit of a stalemate.
In the meantime, daylight strands them at an inn and tavern (since Spike and sunshine aren’t mixy things) where a newly shanshued Angel and a fully recovered Gunn have been living for months with a local family. While Spike catches up with Gunn, Angel and Buffy have a long heart-to-heart. Angel realizes Buffy loves Spike and wants a future with him. And Buffy is convinced Spike’s mysterious coma was actually part of the Shanshu process and that her attempts to wake him up have prevented him from becoming human.
Buffy feels a wee bit guilty and starts avoiding Spike, who knows something is up but isn’t having much luck cornering his slayer. Angel thinks Buffy wants a human Spike. Spike thinks Buffy wants a vampire Angel. Buffy dreads having to tell Spike that he’s lost his Shanshu because of her.
Before anything can be resolved, Angel and Gunn rush off to hunt down a band of demon raiders, also sucked into this dimension at the same time as Angel and Gunn, leaving the way open for a long-overdue discussion between our two hard-headed blondes…