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Author's Chapter Notes:
I know some people may be getting bored with the recount however it should only be two more chapters before the story shifts to an active setting and things really start to happen. A huge thankyou to Brat for the kind reviews.
//Spike's thoughts//


//I can be a right poof sometimes and I’m not afraid to admit it, but sitting with Joyce and the bit in the kitchen was wonderful. I am nothing if not adoring of that woman. Joyce is in her own right, one of the few decent humans that even when chip free I would have left alone. There is something so caring about her and it shows in every part of the house, even in her daughters. The extra marshmallows she put into my cup is proof enough for me. She was telling an art joke, Dawn leaning on my leg as she giggled.


I smelled the Slayer long before she stomped into the room. Buffy had obviously been fretting over Dawn’s whereabouts and it probably didn’t make her feel any better seeing me in her home. Scratch that, it absolutely threw her when she saw me.


In mimicry of the night before, her face scrunched into a frown as she demanded what I was doing. If not for the fact that I’m completely in love with her, I would have laughed at the picture she made. Arms bent crossly with dangerous hands placed on her hips, she seemed itching for a good brawl. Harmony could never compare. Unconsciously I began to evaluate her features, feeling a twinge of remorse for my conduct with Harmony earlier. Hazel eyes glinted at me and I wondered whether she knew about the train full of bodies.


Clem had been hanging around Willy’s when the news broke that someone had snacked on six people all the way to Sunnyhell. The vicious tearing of necks and tell tale holes identified it as a vampire but one obviously a little unhinged. The kills had the mark of a fledgling trying out its fangs and would have been viewed as such, except for the unmistakable scent. A master had orchestrated this masterpiece. Though none of the observers could identify it beyond a master’s odor, it was still big news. Not many demons got away with killing large numbers of townies anymore thanks to the slayer. Clem, always a pacifist had not joined in the celebrations but had gone and looked for himself. If I hadn’t been completely obsessed with the Slayer I would have as well. Maybe its better that I didn’t, after living with Dru for a century I would have instantly recognised the trademarks of my sire; that and the fact that Dru had left sodding Miss. Edith on the bloody train.


Yet instead of checking out the latest bloodbath I sat in the slayer’s kitchen drinking coco. I was so desperate just to be alone with Buffy. In hindsight it was a rather stupid desire, considering my current situation. She rightly wanted nothing to do with me but I figured that the Slayer would jump at the chance to find the train murderer. And right I was. One moment alone whispering that I knew where the vampire was hiding was all it took for Buffy to climb into the Desoto. Right then I still thought that I could convince the Slayer to feel something besides hate for me.


I’m such a bloody fool.


I drove mindlessly for a moment before parking out of front of a warehouse. It looked deserted enough for me to assume that no demons would be scampering about. Buffy looked incredibly agitated and began to bounce in the seat next to me. If I was only a man I would have kissed her then. As it was, I pulled out a flask to calm my own nerves before offering her some. The response I got was merely a chorus of ewwww and gross, which I found slightly humorous after hearing all about Cave Buffy. The chit was nothing if not a hypocrite about some things. The silence grew for several more minutes with her breath whistling out like a kettle. I had to do something and since I couldn’t get there and snog the girl, I chose my next best love. Music.


I adore punk rock bands. Give me the Sex Pistols, Buzzcocks or the Ramones and I’ll be happier than Dru singing to the bloody stars. The rough lyrics and pure guitar symbolises for me an era of rebellion, one which Buffy had been cruelly deprived. I subsequently kept a tape in the car, switching it on before drumming my fingers along the wheel.


“Do you like the Ramones?”


Buffy only responded by biting deeper into her lip with barely controlled rage. She was obviously not a fan.


I sighed before attempting to ask another question when two ratty looking vampires ran directly in front of the Desoto. Either the god of torment had heard my cries and taken pity or the vampires had an impeccable sense of timing. I barely had time to question which before the Slayer was leaping out of the car and trailing after them.


I can say with no queries that from that moment on everything began to unravel.


The two vampires fled when Buffy charged in after them, reminding me of feral dogs. Their possessions consisted of a ratty couch and trash which littered the floor, all too similar to the broken stone and dirt in my crypt. What little existence they had made in the warehouse was pathetic but also over an extended stay. It was glaringly obvious that they hadn’t been involved in the train massacre. I was well aware this but had hoped naively that Buffy would fail to notice, having not picked up on the scent of a master. I shouldn’t have bothered.


“Looks like you wasted my time again.”


The sarcastic bite in her voice made me flinch for a moment. If I had thought the Slayer was pissed before it was nothing compared to her ire at that moment. In the blink of an eye she was already striding to the door, fingers reaching forward to wrench it off its frame.


Like a bloody ponce, I rushed after her, opening it for her and in doing so opening the door to a flood of trouble. She stared hard at me then, mouth gaping open as though swamped with water.


Inwardly I cringed. There was no way that I could escape this warehouse without explaining my actions. Trying to be brave I scoffed, slamming the door with a swipe.


“I wasn’t thinking.” I muttered.


I didn’t look at her, it was too hard to stare at the chit after the fiasco of last night and now tonight also. I was well and truly cursed.


Perhaps noticing the palpable embarrassment which hung over me like a cloud, the Slayer decided to add to it, questioning me with rising hysteria. As if my unlife could get any worse.


“What is this?” she demanded. “The late night stakeout, the bogus suspects, the flask? Is this a date?”


I scoffed in response.


“A date?! Please. You’re completely off your bird. I mean – do you want it to be?”


Why did I have to ask?


Silence met my question for a moment, far longer in my mind as she practically ran from me. Was it really that awful for me to love her?


Her shocked voice ran through the warehouse, a crescendo of “oh my god” ringing out.


Obviously it was.


For a moment I considered striding back out the door and leaving whilst I still had my pride intact. At least then Buffy would have only worried about this mess for perhaps a day and then return to normal, ignoring the whole situation. If I was still William I would have leapt at that option, but now it stunk of falsity and insincerity. I wanted her to see me.

“It’s not so unusual”, I said gently. “Two people in the workplace… feelings can develop.” My docs, heavy a moment earlier at her rejection, began to slide across the floor as my voice grew deeper. Bloody Drac had to use thrall in order to stop the Slayer, I only had to use my voice.


Buffy could only stare desperately me, her eyes wide like a deer caught in headlights. Glossy lips parted for a few moments before she finally found her voice.


“No. No feelings…” she whispered, failing to appear at all adamant.


I titled my head to the side, curling my tongue as some of my demon rose to the surface. If the chit wanted to continue this game, then so could I. The sound that came out was more of a rumble than actual words as I practically growled at her.


“You can’t deny it. There’s something between us.”


“Loathing and disgust” she retorted.


My growl only deepened, at her proclamation. “More like heat and desire Slayer.”


Buffy half turned then, her hazel eyes seeming to shimmer either from fear or embarrassment. Her form was shaking slightly, even in a large dark brown coat. I continued to watch as her eyes glazed over, perhaps with some old memory. Knowing my luck it would be one concerning my poof of a grandsire. No matter what I did, Angelus was constantly the mark I was compared against. Angelus this, Angelus that… it made me wonder whether I would ever stop being surrounded by women completely infatuated with the tosser. The Slayer quiet for far too long, only confirmed my suspicions, a whisper flying from her mouth.


“Angel was good you know.”


I held back the roar which threatened to spill from my demon at those words. If only she could have heard the tales of Angelus as human, the whoring and drinking he did even before he lost the bloody soul. There had never been anything truly good about the git besides a penance for brooding which in my eyes was not even a good quality. All it served to do was keep his behaviour in check and even then Angelus had to go screwing things up. One prime example being the girl who I watched, her face now firmly resolved as she stared at me. As if Angelus was good.


I partly began to say this before weighing up my options, knowing that for all the angst between them, the Slayer still treasured Angelus’ memory. Not that he ever deserved the recognition.


I steeled myself for a moment before plunging forward, already knowing that this battle was lost. “I can be good to Buffy, I’ve changed.”


Her reply cut me more than I had expected.


“What that chip in your head? That’s not change. You’re just a serial killer in prison.”

I spluttered a response before my brain could even react. “Women marry them all the time”, I yelled, arms flying wide.


The crossing of her arms showed all too clearly that such an argument was valid. Her eyes only held anger when looking at me, the prior uncertainty being masked by a layer of self righteousness. All the Slayer wanted to do was fight and hurt me, perhaps seeing it as some sort of twisted justice to rip up my declaration of love after Angelus had destroyed hers.


I didn’t want to fight though.


“Something’s happening to me. I can’t stop thinking about you.” My voice was weak and lost in the warehouse, echoing blindly as the Slayer regarded me. There was no way she would believe me, Angelus had ruined any other vampire’s chance. I had to try though. My breath, completely uneeded, whistled through my teeth as I looked at the roof for a moment. Even if she never recognised the significance of what I was telling her, my demon certainly did, my more bestial side cringing for a moment as the words flew out of my mouth. “If that means turning my back on the whole evil thing then I’ll do it Buffy. I love you.”


The Slayer’s face crumpled, anger draining away for a moment. She was too shocked to want to pummel me right then. Her arms hung uselessly at her sides and it took everything in me not to walk forward and sweep her into my arms. I didn’t though. Partly from a William like hesitancy I held back. Something in me refused for once to fold like a leaf and give in to her. I wanted to hear the words back. My demon, spitting and roaring inside me stilled, it instinctually recognising that she could not accept me or my feelings. Without a soul they had no validity.


Buffy was too good of a slayer to go against council protocol anyway. In a monotone voice I would have paired with Giles she proclaimed how I couldn’t love what with being a demon an' all. How I was empty of anything remotely like an emotion. I swear that my heart began to bleed then.


The Slayer paused for a moment, something purely demon sliding across her features before stalking out the door. It slammed with a crash, her words of “Don’t ever tell you love me” following closely behind. //





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