A/N: Don't get too comfortable everyone, this story is far from coming to a close. Also, for anyone reading Blonde on Blonde, I hope to update that either tonight or tomorrow. Reviews are always loved, and thanks to all who've given them so far.
"O words are lightly spoken",
said Pearse to Connolly;
"Maybe a breath of polite words
Has withered our Rose Tree;
Ore maybe but a wind that blows
Across the bitter sea."
"It needs to be but watered",
James Connolly replied,
"To make the green come out again
And spread on every side,
And shake the blossom from the bud
To be the garden's pride."
But where can we draw water",
Said Pearse to Connolly,
"When all the wells are parched away?
O plain as plain can be
There's nothing but our own red blood
Can make a right Rose Tree."
-Yeats, "The Rose Tree"
Buffy sat staring forward in the car on the ride back to base. She couldn't move, couldn't speak, she was surprised she'd been able to keep herself together long enough to tell Liam to bring them both back unharmed. The look on her face must have said enough, he didn't argue and he and Gunn had restrained the soldiers and put them in the back of the car while she walked over to sit next to Anya.
The final clue that she looked just like she felt was Anya's conspicuous silence. The woman she'd known well for years never kept her mouth shut unless it was something big.
This was the biggest of the big things.
For the first twenty minutes the only thought in her head was: He's not dead, thank God he's alive. This was followed by a shitload of questions she had no answers for. Why the hell was he alive, why was Xander alive? Why were they fighting on that side when she was on another? Why did he lie to her? How could he have lied to her? Did she mean nothing to him? How could he look at her like she was the most precious thing in the world still? Why the hell was his hair that color?
She sneaked a glance in the rearview mirror and wished she hadn't. He looked terrible, his face was swelling and there was blood all over, Xander looked worse, in face, Xander was still out. She worried about them, she wanted to care for him. What she really wanted to do was jump into Will's arms and have him swear he was never going to leave again.
She couldn't have that though. He was a right bastard for leaving her like that, letting her think he was dead. He couldn't even have the decency to tell her that he wanted to focus on work instead of a life with her. She would have been just fine with that.
Ok, so not just fine, but it wouldn't have left her the broken mess that she had been when she thought he was dead and never coming back.
Ok, so she might have still been a broken mess for a while, but she would have been able to move on maybe. Realize that it was just puppy love on his part. First love, first lay, it means something, and sometimes people think it means more than it does....
But God, she still loved him more than anything in the world. More than life, and she needed him to tell her that he felt the same way, it had all been a misunderstanding.
It couldn't have been just a simple misunderstanding, though. There was no way you could just forget to tell someone, "hey, guess what, I'm not dead." Didn't he notice the lack of mail, how it must have just stopped. Did he think she would leave without saying goodbye to him?
She'd gone back to California to try to live out what she figured his wishes would be. Tried to raise a family in Sunnydale, hang out at their old haunts, see their old friends. But without Will it was nothing, meaningless, and she hated it there more than in England.
She caught Liam staring at her and she looked away. She wasn't ready to face that yet. Things were totally different now, he must have sensed it. She loved Liam, but she was in love with William, and there wasn't a single time yet when she'd been willing to give up the love of her life. Not even when she thought he was dead.
***
Spike sat in the back of the car and stared at nothing. She was here? In Ireland? Fighting with these bastards?
It hurt him so much that she'd left him and all their dreams to rot so that she could fight with terrorists intent on killing innocent people. Had she forgotten everything they'd ever learned about the IRA? About how brutal and cold hearted they were, how they killed innocent children just to take some land from people that rightfully owned it?
Had she gone completely crazy?
Fuck it all, he still loved her more than anything. He ached for her so badly that he felt as if his heart was about to rip itself out of his chest to get closer to her. He wanted to hold her to him and smell her hair, taste her skin. God, he could still remember the little noises she made when he touched her just right. The way she moved when he was above her, the way her face radiated beauty and love when she came around him.
He hit his head on the seat behind him and grimaced. She'd been his everything. Who was he kidding, she still bloody was. Nothing could get him to forget her, not a single thing about her. Seeing her again made him realize how foolish he'd been to think he could be truly in love with Xander.
He looked over at his friend and his anxiety and guilt ratcheted up another notch. He'd sworn they'd get out of this safely, and now, unless Buffy had retained a little sanity, they'd be killed and by the woman they'd both loved, if not with the same intensity.
Silent tears made their way down his face as he thought of how fucked up everything he'd been playing at with Xander really was, and how fucked up Buffy had been to leave him like she had. Not even a fucking letter to let him know she was alright. Just packed it up and headed back to sunny Southern California and forgot all about the boy who loved her enough to die for her a million times over.
Maybe it was just a good time for her. Maybe it was just the fact he was the only one around who could even come close to challenging her. Maybe she just felt sorry for little William all her life and she couldn't bear to break his heart to his face.
He slammed his head back again and got a glare from the black guy. He returned it and then looked back out the window. He wanted to curl up next to Xander and pretend none of this had happened. Knowing what Buffy was now was worse than just imagining her with another man. She was with another man, and she was fighting a war he was on the other side of.
More than the comfort Xander could give, though, he wanted Buffy. To cuddle up with her in his old room at the base, or better yet, in her room in Sunnydale. Just the two of them, with their whole bloody lives ahead of them, talking about what they'd name their sodding children.
Looks like all that was a pile of shit she'd made pretty for William when he was around.
Guess what, bitch, William's dead.
***
If it weren't for the cargo being quite possibly the most painful pair of human beings for Buffy, she would have assumed that things were going too well. As it was, not getting stopped for a search seemed like just enough good to nearly balance out the overwhelming badness of this situation.
As soon as they were safely back she jumped out of the car and ran to her room. She ignored Liam's cries for her to wait and slammed the door. She stared at herself in the small mirror they had and all she could see was the girl who'd given up her whole life to follow her lover only to have him die.
Only he wasn't dead, he was just a liar, and as much as she wanted to hate him, she couldn't. She reached over and locked the door before she allowed herself to weep.
***
Buffy heard William before she saw him. She also could smell him before she saw him. He reeked of liquor and her heart clenched again for him. He was trying so hard to be quiet as he climbed in her window, but he was doing a terrible job.
Finally he landed with a thud on her floor and called out her name softly.
"On the bed, Will."
He remained on the floor while he pulled off his shoes, duster, and shirt. He crawled under her covers and molded his body to hers. She felt his tears on soak through her shirt as he lay his head on her stomach.
"Shhh, baby, I've got you, Will."
He shook against her and held onto her for dear life as she stroked his hair and back and tried to soothe him with her words.
"She's gone, Buffy."
"I know, Will."
"What if... I could've been better, what if she didn't-"
"Shh, no, she loved you so much, Will. She was so proud of you. You couldn't have done anything any better. Perfect son, she told me that."
He squeezed his eyes shut and turned his face back into her stomach. Buffy couldn't imagine what he was going through. She'd loved his mother almost as much as he had, and it had hurt, but the sounds William had made when he found her, the way he would just stare at nothing for hours in the two days since, it made her own grief seem meaningless next to his.
After the funeral he'd gone into a rage, breaking quite a few things in his uncle's kitchen before Giles had to physically restrain him. He'd fought with him, come to her and fought with her, then stormed out into the night to, she guessed, and it looked like she was correct, get totally plastered.
She didn't blame him, even if he really hadn't had much of an excuse she'd probably forgive him without much reason. She could never stay mad at him for long, even if she wanted to.
His sobs were slowing down and getting less intense and he climbed up her body until his head was next to hers on the pillow, their arms around each other and legs entwined.
"I'm so sorry, luv."
"I know, Will, it's ok."
"I didn't mean to-"
"Shh.." She moved to kiss him and he sighed into it. She wanted to comfort him and she didn't know any other way to really help him, but she wasn't sure it was appropriate. She waited for him to make the next move.
Their lips moved gently against each other for a few moments before he rolled them so that he was half on top of her and his tongue swept across her lips. She opened her mouth to him and he moaned softly. The longer they kissed, the harder she felt him get against her leg. She moved her hand between them and squeezed him gently, unsure if he wanted anything more than kisses.
He broke the kiss and moaned deep in his chest. "Buffy..."
She felt his hand covers hers and press her tighter against him. She stroked him a few times under his instruction then brought his hand up to cover her breast while she unbuttoned his pants.
He squeezed her breast tenderly then rolled her nipple between his fingers at the same time as she pulled his cock out of his pants. They gasped together and she kissed him gently, trying to give him as much love as she could through the kiss alone.
He tried to lift her shirt but she stilled his hands. "Let me take care of you, Will," she whispered against his lips. He nodded slightly and she pushed him onto his back and kissed a trail down his body, pausing at his nipples.
He gasped and moaned above him and she was happy that he at least seemed to be focused on something pleasant. She pulled his pants down to his knees so that she could reach all of him. Her hand reached under and she stroked gently against his anus. His hips came off the bed and he gasped out her name.
She looked up at him and saw him staring down at her with love and lust in his eyes. "Love you, Will," she whispered before she licked the precum that had gathered off of the head of his shaft.
"Ohh, God, Buffy, love you too, so much."
He watched her as she sucked a finger into her mouth and coated it liberally with saliva. He didn't think his cock had ever been harder. She took his shaft in her other hand and stroked him up and down before sliding her lubricated finger into him.
"Just want to make you feel good."
"Luv, oh Jesus, I never... only you, Buffy..." She took him in her mouth and began to pump her finger inside him. "Oohh, Christ.. Jesus Christ... Buffy, love you.. oh pet, so fucking good.."
He continued to babble incoherently while she went to work on his cock. As long as he was talking about how good he felt, he wouldn't be thinking of the pain. His release came too soon for both their tastes, but she swallowed him down and cleaned his cock before pulling his pants back up and tucking him in.
She moved up his body and he pulled her to him, capturing her lips in a sweet kiss. "You always know.. just me and you.. and, God, you always know."
She knew others wouldn't get it, but to her, he made complete since. "Always like this, Will."
"Yes, baby, always."
***
Spike slowly realized that as they hadn't been blindfolded for the ride to the base, they probably weren't meant to leave alive. Maybe if he played his cards right, they'd take him and let Xander go as he was out for the entire way. That was if he woke up any time soon.
He watched them take him out and carry him off somewhere where Spike was not to follow. He wanted to scream at them, fight them, do anything to keep them from hurting Xander. It was his bloody fault they'd been taken, he couldn't let his friend down.
Especially when he thought about how he'd been using the poor bastard for years to get over someone he would never get over. Buffy wasn't going to go away, no matter how much he tried to reinvent himself. He couldn't think he away, fuck her away, most of all he couldn't hate her away. He'd toyed with Xander and now he was going to get him killed.
He was in a daze as the big, dark haired, broody one pulled him out of the car and into the large compound. They weren't in the city so much as some farm looking place on the outskirts. He'd never been out this way before. It was strange. He looked up at the man dragging him through the place and knew that he must be the one Buffy was shacking up with.
He didn't like Spike, and it wasn't in the "get the fuck out of my country" kind of way. It was more of a "don't even think about touching my girl again" thing. Spike hoped to do more than touch. God, the grass was so pretty in here. Wait a minute, weren't they inside. He looked around and noticed the edges of his vision were blurry. He closed his eyes and shook his head, and nearly fell down.
Tall, dark and broody straightened him none too gently and they kept walking, though at this point Spike was really staggering. He could feel the warmth of his blood trickling down his back, it tickled. He giggled, and that's when he realized that he was losing a pretty good amount of blood, and he was probably suffering from a little shock, and he was about to pass out.
He turned to give his captor the most self-satisfied smirk he could muster before he fell to the floor.
***
Buffy heard the knocking at her door and she hurriedly washed her face and took a few deep breaths before answering.
"Buffy? Liam's asking for you downstairs."
Willow looked up and Buffy could see understanding flood her features. "Jesus Christ you're perceptive."
Willow smiled slightly and brought a hand up to cup Buffy's cheek. "You wanna talk for a minute?"
Buffy nodded and let the red head in before shutting the door behind her. "How did you know?"
"Well, Liam's pacing around looking more angry than I've seen him in quite a while, Anya's running her mouth off about how you freaked out about the hostages, you look like you've both seen a ghost and attended your lover's funeral, and I've seen a picture of him." She looked up at Buffy and smiled sympathetically. "His hair's different."
"Yeah, I noticed that." She was silent for a minute. "I think maybe... he's different too."
Willow pulled her friend in for a hug and Buffy let the last of her tears stain her shirt. "All these years... I thought he was gone.. dead... And now..."
Willow pulled back and brushed the hair out of Buffy's face. "He's hurt, Buffy. He lost a lot of blood, and the other one, we're not sure about him."
"What am I supposed to say.. or.. or do? I mean, they're the enemy, but they were also people I loved."
"Loved?"
Buffy looked down and closed her eyes. "Yeah, I know."
Willow stood and moved to the door. "Either way, we still need information. Convincing Liam to keep the dark haired one alive, that might be tough, but they are giving William blood. He'd going to be ok."
"For how long?"
"I think it's mostly your call, Buff. Liam would do anything for you?"
Buffy looked up and studied her friend for a moment. "Even give me up to a guy from the SAS who, if he hasn't changed, is pretty damn committed to his country?"
"Maybe not that, but giving you up to a guy from the SAS who was pretty damn committed to you, and might still be.... Liam just wants what's best."
"I do to, for this place, for your kids, Willow. You and Tara and Gunn and Fred, everyone. We've been fighting too long and hard, lost too much to give in because I'm in love with the enemy."
"What about you Buffy, your kids? You deserve something too."
Buffy looked away and squeezed back the tears that threatened. "Just talk to him, then decide. We can do this together. We'll always be here for you, Buffy, you've done so much to help already."
She nodded and Willow held out a hand to help her up from the bed. They stood and walked downstairs.
***
Willow took on the task of convincing Liam to care for Xander while Buffy went to find William. He was hooked up to an IV on a cot in a room they used for interrogations. She pulled up a chair next to him and watched his face as he slept.
For the first time she could really examine him again. It had been so long, but he still looked almost exactly the same. She didn't understand the hair, but it wasn't too bad. The scar was still there on his eyebrow from the accident when he'd climbed into her window after too much to drink. His skin was still smooth and a little pale, he'd never liked the sun too much. His cheekbones were prominent and made him more gorgeous than she remembered.
She avoided looking at his lips. She'd tasted their sweetness too many times, and they'd tasted her everywhere. She closed her eyes and tried to beat back the wave of love she felt sweep over her. God, it would feel so good t just touch him a little. She bet her body still fit against his perfectly, all her curves slipping in just right. He loved running his hands up and down her thighs when she rode him, loved to let her work him into a frenzy while she covered his hands with hers.
They were just so perfect together, she thought he'd loved her.
She put her face in her hands and tried not to feel so unbelievably weary. She didn't think she had many tears left, she was just so damn tired.
"This is him, then?"
She turned quickly and saw Liam standing in the doorway. She rose and walked toward him. Part of her wanted him to hold her and take her away, part of her felt guilty for being with him when William had been alive all this time. He didn't move to touch her at all and she felt cold.
"What do you mean?"
"Don't play stupid with me, you never talk about him, but I know. Someone can't love you and not know him. He's always there."
Buffy hurt for Liam. She didn't want him to think that she loved him any less because of it, and she didn't. It was just that she'd never really loved him at all, at least, she hadn't been in love with him.
"Liam, it's complicated."
He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "No, it's not really. Are you going to leave us and go with him?"
"Are you letting him go?"
"Answer my question first."
She pulled him out into the hall and closed the door. "He's... I'm not going back to England if that's what you mean. I know too much and I care too much to ever fight on that side."
He let out a sigh of relief and pulled her to him, she didn't resist, though it felt wrong. "But you don't know about him yet?"
Buffy was hoping he'd missed that part. She didn't know what to say, so she pulled something out of her ass. "He's in my past, I don't l... I can't be with him again. What he did, I don't think I can forgive him. But, Liam, I can't kill him either, or Xander. We've got to figure something else out, because I can't do that to them. I've known William since I was five years old."
Liam nodded and kissed her head softly. "We'll figure something out, Buffy. Don't worry about that. But we still need any info they have, maybe now they'll give it to us with less of a fight."
Buffy doubted it but kept silent. Liam stepped back and brushed the hair from her face. "Go on and talk to him, I'm sure there are some things you need to say."
Either he was incredibly confident in his position in her life, or just really stupid. Buffy nodded and squeezed his hand before going back in and closing the door.
William was sitting up and awake when she turned around. They stared at each other for a long while before anyone moved. Before either of them realized what had happened they found each other huddled in the middle of the floor in each other's arms.
"God, Buffy I missed you so bloody much-"
"Will, I thought.. God, I thought-"
She pulled back from him and saw the tears in his eyes and she knew she'd never really be able to let him go. He tried to kiss her but she held him back and checked the bandages on his head making sure he was safe. His eyes were both swollen and his lips was cut. His nose looked a little swollen too, but she didn't think it was broken. Most of the damage was to the back of his head and his left temple. She pulled him close and kissed his wounds before she moved to kiss away his tears.
He closed his eyes and couldn't stop the sobs that racked his body and shook them both. He couldn't remember a time when he'd been so relieved and so depressed at the same time. He'd found her, but nothing was going to be the same. She'd left him and she'd switched sides, and he still didn't know why.
After they both began to calm a little and their grips on the other lessened a bit, he felt her begin to tense and pull away slightly. He sighed softly and let her go.
Neither knew what to say so they just sat, still touching, but it was almost subconscious, just reassurance this wasn't a half-terrible, half-wonderful dream.
"I thought.... Heard you and Giles went back to California."
Buffy wasn't sure whether she was relieved or enraged that he chose the safest topic available to them. "Umm.. Yeah.. I was, for a while. I couldn't," she sighed and looked up at him. "It was too hard there without you."
She was hoping she'd get an explanation after her admission. It had taken a lot to convince herself to be honest about her feelings for him, that they still existed. He just looked away.
"So.. How'd you get here?"
He didn't understand how she could say something about feeling for him when she'd left him with nothing all those years ago.
"I had to get out of there, so I came back to London, and I met a girl. Next thing I know I'm smuggling her into Belfast and joining up with Liam Angelus and his famous crew."
Spike had heard of Angelus, and his little band of fighters. In fact, now that he thought back on it, he remembered hearing about Buffy, though he hadn't known it was her. "The Slayer", they'd called her, he thought it brought up more bad hair images than terror. She was vicious and tough as hell, and no one had ever been able to take her or Angelus, they were the best at getting into and out of tough spots.
"You've made quite the name for yourself among us."
She didn't miss the bitterness in his voice. "Yeah well, 'when you ain't got nothin', you got nothin' to lose'. After you, I didn't have much fear of anything. I learned everything from you guys, I could fight pretty well that way."
He still didn't get why she kept talking about it like he'd left her. She'd gone without so much as a "Dear John" and it was like she was laying it all on him.
She sighed when he didn't respond to her last effort to draw out his story. "How'd you let this happen, Will?"
"It's Spike."
"What?"
"William, I don't use that. I'm Spike now."
She stared at him for a minute then sighed again. "I'm not calling you Spike, Will, now answer my question."
"Will," he said with a snarl, "doesn't bloody exist anymore." She turned away so that he wouldn't see the tears in her eyes. "Don't really think Buffy does either."
"Why are you doing this?" she yelled at him suddenly. He looked at her blankly and she covered her face in her hands. "Why are you treating me like I'm nothing to you? Dammit, Will, you're something to me."
He kissed her hard and without any warning. She responded without thought for a moment before pulling away, but he didn't let her get far. He pulled her to rest her head against his chest and stroked her hair. "I... Fuck, Buffy, you know I love you."
She clutched him harder and sobbed into his shirt. "God, Will, I love you too. I could never stop loving you."
Neither wanted to say anymore about it then. They knew each other well enough that they could sense that emotional share time was over. They got up and sat side by side on the bed holding the other's hand tight enough to grind the bones.
"I don't see how that crazy bitch got the better of you," she said after a few moments of silence.
Spike chuckled before his laugh turned into a choked sob. "Oh God..."
"Will?"
He shook his head and wiped his eyes with his free hand. Suddenly she understood. "Oh."
He looked over at her. "I did know, she'd been weird all day. Xand knew too, but..."
"You didn't want to believe it."
"Something like that."
They were silent for a while longer until Spike yawned. Buffy moved to the edge of the cot. "You should sleep. We haven't quite decided..." She didn't finish her thought and Spike grabbed her other hand.
"Don't go."
"Will."
"No, just.. I know we haven't figured..." he trailed off and just looked at her. "I just... just found you again."
Buffy knew she was playing with fire here. She didn't want to hurt Liam, but honestly, she couldn't leave William alone. She sat back down and he lay by the wall and pulled her against him. It wasn't long before she was crying softly again, but no matter how hard she tried he felt it.
"I know, baby. God, I know."