It was downcast eyes, and brief nervous glances; not Spike, her. She was avoiding him, and not for the usual reasons. It had been two full days since they spent the night together, in the same bed. She’d managed to get away with speaking exactly five words to him.
“Whatever.”
“Shut up Spike.”
And
“Useless.”
Not that these phrases were out of the ordinary for her, but the last one, well ouch. He’d stared at her for a few seconds with hurt eyes, and then he’d brought up his mask of disdain and mockery. He’d snapped a witty comeback, and sauntered off. Stupid Buffy.
They hadn’t done the dirty deed; they’d lain in that dank uncomfortable cot the entire night just holding each other. Oddly enough, she hadn’t noticed the unpleasant support of the cot until she’d gotten up the next morning. Spike’s arms wrapped securely around her were too much of a distraction.
She’d always know how to handle Spike, or how to act around him. The trick was, she didn’t try to be a certain way, because she’d never cared about his opinion before. Sometime in the past few most she began to mentally double checked herself before she said anything around him, so she didn’t sound stupid. At the same time, another part of her was frustratingly stomping her foot in impatience. She’d never really gotten worked up over boys, and Spike wasn’t even a regular boy, so what was her problem?
Nervousness had set in; she was preparing for the forthcoming rejection. She knew it was silly, Spike loved her, but for some reason the personality of an adolescent crush was coming back to haunt her.
So, she was avoiding him at the risk of saying something she didn’t mean, or embarrassing herself. She had no intention of blemishing their one perfect night with an argument. That was, until Faith arrived.
The fury she felt watching Faith try to kick the crap out of Spike came out of nowhere, and she had to force herself to hold back. She couldn’t run to his side, protect him, this wasn’t the dream. They weren’t the perfect couple; there was no happy ending, not for them.
She’d let it go, and moved on, but overhearing Spike and Faith giggling together in the basement, well, that didn’t sit well at all.
“…just don’t forget who’s on top.”
“That I suspect, would be you.”
She couldn’t see what was going on, but she heard the creak of the cot and knew that Faith had taken a seat close to Spike. Too close for comfort.
“You got that right. I’ve met you before you know.”
“Yeah, you made a great impression on my chin.
“Not in the graveyard, before that. I was kinda wearing a different body.”
“Pity.”
“You seemed ok with it.” The seductive tone of Faith’s voice made her blood boil.
“The body swap, with Buffy.”
“She fill you in on the whole deal?”
“She told me it went down. Failed to mention it was you driving her skin around.”
“Yeah…I may have done a few things…”
Spike chuckled, and his voice was husky.
“You don’t hear me complaining pet.”
Buffy seethed. He’d never told her he’d had a run in with her when Faith was running the controls. The scenarios jumbled around in her mind, Spike and Faith, Faith and Riley. Was anything hers? She missed the rest of the conversation, too angry to listen, and too caught up in visions of Spike and Faith having sex to pay attention.
“Wow everybody’s just full of surprises.”
Buffy paused at the bottom of the stairs, her arms crossed. “Well it’s nice to see you two getting along so well.”
Spike jumped, and stared at her guiltily, while Faith just smirked.
“Yeah, you just know all the cool vampires.” Wink.
Oh no she didn’t.
“Aren’t you usually at work about now?” He was trying to lessen the tension in the room; it wasn’t working.
“I cut back.” Why, hiding something Spike? She kept the comment to herself.
Faith glanced at Buffy and then back at Spike. “Yeah, I think I’m going to get some air.” As she passed Buffy she whispered, “Don’t be too hard on him B.”
Buffy blinked.
They stared at each other, and Buffy counted to thirty.
“Well I guess I found the best way to get you to talk to me.”
“Oh yeah?” she ground her teeth together.
“Just play footsies with the evil twin and you get all hot and bothered.”
“Whatever Spike.”
He sighed, and sank back against the wall. “Gee, haven’t heard that one in a few hours. Gotta try a different tune luv.”
“Like you’re Mr. Talkative.” She was being snotty. Damnit Buffy, act cool.
“I don’t know what’s crawled up your arse Slayer, but M’ not in the mood to play kick the Spike.”
The anger was gone instantly. “What?”
“M’ not your personal punching bag, and M’ not going to sit here while you take out your sexual frustrations on me.”
The tears built up behind her eyes before she could stop them. How had they gotten back to this point?
“Wow Spike, you know me too well.” She snapped at him, turning away. “Guess I’ll have to go find someone else to take care of that for me.”
“I didn’t shag her.”
She turned back, and he was sitting calmly, hands folder looking at her.
“Why not, she looked like me, hell, to you she was me. Your dream come true.” The inner bitch was back, spouting words sprung from jealousy.
“She didn’t want me; even if it was Faith, she was wearing you’re body, and some things never change luv.”
She walked away from him, and towards the stairs.
“And sometimes things do change, but we’re too scared to admit it,” she whispered under her breath as she started up the stairs. She didn’t look back to see if he’d heard, it just didn’t matter anymore.
***
She was covered in blood, and most of it wasn’t her own. She sat on the back porch and sobbed. She’d led the girls into a trap, there had been casualties, and she was to blame. It was just too much. The combination of The First Evil and her conflicting emotions towards Spike were getting the better of her. She was making rash decisions, decisions that got people killed, and seriously injured.
Xander was in the hospital, he’d lost an eye, because of her. There was no happy medium, no way to be calm rational Buffy, and Slayer extraordinaire. There was no way to she could be a leader, without support. Right now, it felt like she had no one.
Spike had slipped into the basement quietly, not speaking to her, but she could see it in his eyes.
Disappointment.
In her.
She had gambled, and failed, and now the only thing left to do was to figure out, how much she had really lost.
A/N: Dialogue taken from S7 "Dirty Girls"
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