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I wonder if my new laptop is a sign of longer chapters to come? ;)
For a moment she forgot what day it was; she forgot the duty, and the responsibility.

For a split second everything in the world was the way it was supposed to be, and she smiled.

She watched the other her clutch the other Spike; she saw the terror in both of their eyes as Willow sent them back. The hair on her arms stood up as she heard Buffy chanting frantically, “Never forget…”

She let her eyes close, and behind the darkness of her eyelids she could sense the brightness of the flash, and the house shook with the corresponding bang.

She was green with envy; the other Buffy getting the chance to go back, and make things right. Get to spend another year without the burdens of The First.

No.

It was worse for her; the other Buffy would go back to hating Spike, and believing their entire journey was a dream. She was the lucky one.

Her eyes opened, and she sought his. They were trained on her, just as she knew they’d be. He was gauging her reaction; taking in the post it-was-all-a-dream Buffy. His face was stretched taut and she watched his jaw tick. It still amazed her the waves of emotion that always seemed to radiate from him.

For so long she’d compared him to the vamps that she dissolved into dust every night on patrol; simple-minded, purpose-less, empty monsters. She’d let herself live for too long under the impression that without a soul equaled without a heart; without feeling.

She had been wrong.

If Angel’s proneness to lack of feeling, and disconnection wasn’t proof enough, there was also Spike himself. He’d stood apart from the beginning. Not only because he’d made himself the center of attention, but unlike other vamps he’d never given up. He knew the time to run, and the time to fight. He’d known love long before he got his soul, and he would know it long after.

Angel had never really believed in true love; he’d reveled in being wanted even though he was a monster. He’d put her on a pedestal because she was The Slayer, and he used his leaving as fuel for his mission. “Angel the soulful must give up true love for the good of mankind.”

What a load of crap.

If he’d come right out and said, “I can’t be with you because I’d rather die than become Angelus again,” she would have accepted it, or at least, it would have made things easier.

But no, ever the dramatic undead he had to go with the, “I’m doing it for you,” line. Which was the same as, “its not you its me,” and they’d both known it.

She had a place in her heart for him, and she always would. If she hadn’t known the whole story before he came back to Sunnydale, she might just have let him be the man in her life again. Be her support; keep her sane where Spike was driving her insane.

Angel was in love with Cordelia, according to Willow. If the ridiculousness of that statement weren’t enough, it turned out Willow had been called to re-ensoul Angel, and banish Angelus, again.

The ironic part of it all was that Angel had voluntarily given up his soul for reasons beyond her. She’d stopped Willow there; Angel was not her concern anymore, and despite his reasons behind his actions he had gone and done all the things he left her to avoid.

Life was just too strange to handle these days.

So lost in thought she didn’t notice the others leave, she blinked back to reality with Spike’s uncomfortable cough. Not even an hour earlier she’d been wrapped around him in utter joy. All the 'I love you’s', and the entire journey of after-school special proportions had been real.

They loved each other; the best part being, she wasn’t afraid of it anymore. She felt like an idiot; she’d spent the better part of a year being terrified of her true feelings for Spike. Or, not so much afraid of the feelings, but afraid of his reaction. Then, in one instant, everything was OK again.

As happy as she was that the feelings were out in the open; floating around for all to see, life just didn’t work that way. Nothing was that easy, not for her and most definitely not for Spike.

He shoved his hands in his pockets and rocked back onto his heels. His body jerked in tiny fidgeting movements overflowing with undisguised anxiety. Always so worried, when it came to her. That was the soul; before he’d always been so self-assured, cocky and relaxed her presence. As far as he knew back then she didn’t love him, and he’d accepted anything she gave him with wild abandonment.

It wasn’t that he wasn’t ever hurt by her words or actions; it was just that he’d been too proud and well, evil to admit it. But now…

Although William had always been a part of Spike, now, he didn’t hide in the shadows.

He coughed again.

“So I guess this means we have to talk right?” she raised an eyebrow at him, a smile teasing at the corners of her mouth.

“Right; have to talk. Always a bloody chore with you ain’t it?”

He never did hide his disappointment well; snarky comments were a dead give away. Silly vampire.

“Overreact much? I meant I’d like to talk Spike, if that’ll fit into your busy schedule?”

His face softened instantly, and she watched the tiny creases appear beside his eyes as he smiled. One of those little things she’d never taken the time to notice before.

“I always have time for you pet,” he said with so much emotion her heart lurched. What a fool she’d been.

“Basement gonna work for you?” she tossed over her shoulder as she header down the stairs.

She didn’t need to hear his answer; she felt his presence on the stairs behind her without a work spoken. His body was cold as ice, but her back burned with sensation of his being only inches away.

She turned on her heel in the center of the room and placed a hand casually on the punching bag. “So, big battle tomorrow…”

“Bloody hell, if that’s all you want to talk about then you can-“

“Spike,” she cut him off smiling, “relax.”

His mouth hung open for a moment, and then snapped shut.

“Don’t you think I’m just as, confused as you are about this?” her hand dropped from the punching bag.

“‘M not confused,” and she looked at him startled, “I’m terrified.”

“Of what? Being with me?”

“No, never that luv. I’ve…” he stuttered, and looked up at the ceiling. “I’ve been around for sodding ever, done everything. But you aren’t like anything I’ve ever known. N’ knowing that you might love me; it’s a little intimidating.”

“Wait, what?” her brows furrowed in confusion. “Me, loving you is intimidating? I’m a little confused Spike, I thought that’s what you wanted, all these years, was me to love you?”

“No...that’s not what I meant.” He growled frustrated. “You’re the Slayer, the former bane of my existence and my guardian Angel. My light. You are so much more than I ever deserve. N’ when I think about your formers…I’m not like them Buffy. As much as I hate to admit it, the Ponce been doing good for a lot longer than me, and although I’d rather take shots of ‘oly water then admit it, White bread was a good guy; not much in the tact department…”

“Get to the point.”

“Right. Well, what ‘m saying is; they were good men, they didn’t deserve you, but I deserve you a lot less. ‘N here I am standing in front of you, and you’re about to tell me you love me, and I’m terrified. Terrified I’ll never be good enough for you, never give you what you need.”

“You already have.”

“Already have what?” He looked at her confusion settling on his features, his hands fidgeting at his sides.

“Given me what I need.”

His eyes widened a bit, and she saw the surprise flow into his gaze.

“You loved me Spike; through everything you loved me. I hated you, I was disgusted by you, I didn’t trust you, and I tried many times to throw you out my life. I beat you until you couldn’t walk, and I left you to bleed on the sidewalk. I used you when I needed something only you could give, and I made sure you knew none of it was ever really worth it, that it all meant nothing. You loved me when I didn’t want you to, and you loved me when I did. You love me now, and I know, without a doubt that you will never leave me. And, believe me when I say, that is a must-have on the ‘Buffy list of boyfriend requirements’.”

He opened his mouth to speak but she held up a hand.

“I don’t love you because I need to love you, and I don’t love you because you love me. I love you because I want to love you, and I can’t imagine a life without you in it. All the things that happened during the dream were true, I changed, and you changed. You never needed me, you thought you did, but in truth I needed you. You changed me Spike, and it’s about time I thanked you for that.”

“So, payment for services rendered then?” he had the nerve to look amused, and she shot him a look.

“No you dope. A long overdue thank you for being there for me, and not giving up when everyone else did. Me loving you, has nothing to do with my need to thank you, but it is an added bonus.”

Spike crossed the small distance between them and laid a hand gently on her shoulder.

“S’ you really do love me then?”

She inched closer, and raised a hand laying it on the cold skin of his cheek. “What do you think?”

She didn’t closer her eyes as his head descended, and his cool lips molded to hers. She stared into the frozen blue depths, and let herself be consumed by his arms.


A/N: Some paraphrasing of Season 7 "End of Days" I didn't look at the transcript, so the tidbits I used probably aren't 100% accurate. Spuffiness to come next chapter :D Finally.





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