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Author's Chapter Notes:
Lyrics: "Emotional Suffocation" - Napalm Death. Thanks to basilio_the_cat for editing this for me. And also thanks to everyone for their kind reviews, you have no idea how much they are appreciated. Also, the prologue through chapter six have been edited. Chapters five and six (going by chapter titles) have some slight changes, nothing involving the plot, but big enough to be noticeable.
Chapter Sixteen

So this ordeal we're subjected to
Is all part of being (in) love?
Two minds of intense confusion
Contained in feelings of spite and mistrust

The closer one of us tries to get
The further the (other) seems to move

Tangled in trapped emotions
Can't face the prospect of rejection
Uncertainty arouses suspicion
Of your mind I want possession

I try to be honest with you
But are you being honest with me?
"Emotional Suffocation" - Napalm Death




It wasn’t like him to be this nervous. For a while now, he had been passing back and fourth outside Buffy’s front door as he tried to gather the courage to press the tiny button that would alert the two girls inside that company had arrived. He was a mess, and he didn’t like it. Not a bit.


It had to be the tie. It made him look and act like one of those sniffling idiots that twitched whenever they were in the presence of a girl. It would explain the sweaty palms.


Spike loosened the black tie slightly, stretching his neck as he did so. It was too bloody tight, wasn’t letting him think straight. Yes, that was it. The fact that the tie was simply too tight was doing something to his brain. He wasn’t nervous at all, just on the verge of very slowly squeezing his brain out through his ears. He should just do away with it, he wasn’t the suit and tie type of guy.


He needed to make a good first impression though. Find a way to cover up the anger that the lie he was about to walk into would eventually cause. It was a known fact that by having a relationship with Buffy, he would have to eventually communicate with her friends and family at the very least. And with the intentions he had towards this woman’s daughter, the promise of forever, he needed to lay the proper groundwork. That way, when it all went up in flames, he would have some sort of security to fall back on.


It was things like this that made him miss his days of evil and mayhem. Not that he wasn’t still evil - the demon was still very much a part of him - it was just that with the dreams and Buffy, his priorities had shifted. Something in him had insisted that she gets what she needs, insisted that he had to cater to her desires instead of simply giving into his basic primal urges. Perhaps that was an instinct in and of itself. After all, he had every intention of claiming her one of these days, and in order to do that she would have to agree.


He cared though. Had he not - as much as he did anyway - he would have just dragged her by the hair back to his crypt, drained and turned her, and then claimed her. None of those nasty problems and questions they kept running into would be in the way anymore. It would be just them. Forever.


He wouldn’t have to worry about telling her either. For a while now he had pondered the thought about whether or not he should simply tell her how he felt. Tell her that he was well on his way to falling in love with her. Finding an answer to didn’t matter anymore, because he was positive that it had nothing to do with the dreams, or the unexplainable connection they shared, it was just simply how he felt. Buffy still had her doubts though, which made it almost impossible. As much as she wanted to deny it, a part of her still couldn’t forget that they didn’t understand how these dreams worked. She feared that the dreams somehow created what they felt for each other. He couldn’t deny that they were a big part of it. The dreams were what brought them together, they were a part of the reason why he had changed as he had, but Spike didn’t think they could force the actual feelings themselves. Something like that was simply not possible. Was it?


She wanted the proof though, and that meant Spike had to wait impatiently for the truth with her. He wanted to tell her, take that next step that would get them even closer to taking the final big one, but the doubts she still possessed always stopped him. Because as long as there were doubts, as tiny as they were, the possibility that he could be shot down still remained. Something he couldn’t have, not from her.


And there was a good reason as any for wearing the tie. Just another in a long list of things that he did to show her what he was willing to do. Even if it meant dressing up for a woman he didn’t know to support a lie that he knew was going to make things worse in the long run.


He just hoped that Buffy knew she was going to have to make this whole thing worth his while. He couldn’t be going around doing things like wearing ties and meeting mothers like some civilized teenage boy for nothing. He needed something to hold up his image.


He rang the doorbell with the hope he didn’t look as transparent as he felt. It was going to be a long night.


****


Buffy looked at her reflection in the mirror. God, what was she thinking. It was just a dinner with her mom. And Spike. Spike, who was going to be there, all dressed up. And who she wanted to look nice for simply because he was going through all this trouble for her. Meeting her mother. Lying to her mother. It was really, really nice of him. So yeah, she was trying to dress up for him. Just like she did every other night. Doing the exact same thing that had gotten them into this mess in the first place.


How pathetic was she?


She doubted he would even notice the extra effort she had put into her hair and clothes. But then again she knew he would. He always did. He never said as much, but he always gave her an appreciative smile-slash-smirk as he looked her over before he pulled her into his arms for his usual greeting.


In fact, Spike did a lot of wonderfully sweet things that were uncharacteristic of some big bad evil vampire. He tried to play them off. He simply wouldn’t accept being considered anything less than the Big Bad. He couldn’t possibly tarnish his precious reputation, after all. But the gentle touches and concerned words still snuck their way through. Something that made her look forward to their time together all the more. A period that was much too short for her liking, despite the fact that she spent as much of her free time with him as possible. He helped with her homework before she went home for dinner, and then after they would meet up for some bonding and a quick patrol. And then, at night, she slept within the safety of his arms inside of their hide away.


It was perfect. And Buffy dreaded having to face the reality of the situation. The causes of the dreams that made her world seem so much lighter. Such a thing couldn’t possibly be good. Because good things, things this good, simply did not happen to her. Not without a catch.


But she needed to know, because like it or not, Buffy was falling fast. Well actually, she was quite sure she had already fallen. Okay, so there was no doubt. She tried to repress it, tried to make excuses, tried everything to protect her heart, but the fact of the matter still remained that she was in love with Spike. He was the real deal, not just some passing fancy.


Her biggest fear had been that the dreams had simply fabricated her feelings for him. Like they had heightened their senses, she was afraid that they had heightened their tolerance for each other as well. The fear that everything she had allowed herself to feel within the grove would disappear in reality often consumed her. It was the reason she had refused to admit her feelings, she didn’t want to give that up, give up the love that surrounded her within the wooded forest.


Her feelings hadn’t lessened any in the real world however, much to her relief. In fact, the only thing that changed was her ability to understand them. Her ability to sort through them, knowing that what she was allowing her mind to wander toward was real, and not just her being crazy. Perhaps she was stupid, and she was sure many would jump at the chance to tell her that she was, but she loved him. And at the moment that was all she really cared to think about.


With him she was safe, and that was all she really ever wanted. To be able to crawl into someone’s arms and feel protected. Every day she spent her time protecting the world from vampires and every other monster of the night. She simply wanted - and needed - someone to do the same for her. Someone who gave her the chance to rest. That was what Spike and the dreams gave her. She could trust him with her life, and she could trust him with her secrets, and ever so slowly, she was beginning to trust him with her heart.


The doorbell rang, and Buffy felt her heart begin to pound against her chest. She really hoped her mother liked him. It would make things so much easier.


Buffy bounced down the stairs. She really hoped Spike liked her dress.





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