A/N: I'm a huge Sex Pistols fan and just had to include one of their songs. I warn you though that it is fairly inappropiate. I didn't continue it partly because it only gets more raunchy. Enjoy
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“Buffy?”
Cordelia pushed the door to her friend’s room open slowly, not knowing whether she was being intrusive. Her long brown hair was pulled back into a tight pony tail, face scrubbed clean of the makeup she had covered her eyes and lips with. She regretted even bothering making an appearance down stairs what with Angel’s behaviour.
As soon as Faith left, Darla jumped straight into his line of sight.
She’d fallen asleep waiting up for him in his bedroom and was both happy at the peace and quiet and also upset. Cordelia was certain that somewhere else in the house Darla was waking up to the sight of a very hung over and amorous Angel.
More power to her.
The brunette swung the door open softly, smiling when she saw Buffy’s sheet covered form on the bed. Spike had obviously tired her out last night. Cordelia did not notice the tear tracks which still showed on the petite blonde’s face, closing the door behind her with a barely audible click. Her eyes twinkled with merriment at the obvious dints in the heavy wood where Spike’s boots had kicked it shut.
She looked up quickly when a loud groan came from the bed.
Buffy finally decides to get up…. It’s a miracle. Cordelia missed the sound of water falling in the bathroom, not thinking that anyone would be taking a shower at this time in the morning. Spike’s probably downstairs talking to one of the guys. The girl could remember coming down for a drink in the early hours of the morning to find the Brit smoking with another gang member and watching reruns of Passions. Cordy had learned to just accept his quirky behaviour, particularly when it meant that she had someone to talk to. Spike was the only one brave or more appropriately considered foolish, to risk Angel’s ire and have a real conversation with her. It was more than her boyfriend had ever bothered to do. Angel simply threw you into his world and watched.
Cordelia was certain she would of drowned without Spike.
Buffy’s head rising up from the pillows made the brunette grin like a child. The blond hair was matted and pushed up causing her friend to look like she had stuck her finger into an electric socket. Cordelia was certain that Buffy would scream if she could see herself in a mirror.
“How are you feeling?”
Buffy shrugged, thankful that the fuzzy sweater still covered her body. It would have been embarrassing for her friend to walk in and see her in nothing but a sheet. As it was the silk clung to her curves, a hazy memory of the night before recalling the stark contrast between Spike’s alabaster skin and the black covers which had lain across his hips. The now familiar warmth which spread through her forced Buffy to blush. The petite blond couldn’t even look at the bed without feeling a sense of satisfaction.
That was until she remembered the conversation about Faith. Or put more bluntly the lack of conversation.
Normally Buffy could have shrugged off his refusal to respond with anything more than three syllables but not even saying I’m sorry after she poured her heart out?
That was unforgivable.
Buffy didn’t know exactly how she would deal with the issue today… Her mind had made the suggestion that she continue the charade from last night and simply shut down whenever he touched her, but inwardly she knew that was impossible. She loved him and any actions on his part would not be ignored.
Even if he doesn’t care about anything more than a physical relationship.
Somehow the petite blond didn’t see herself accepting that arrangement for very long either.
Think about it later. Cordelia is here to see you…
Buffy desperately tried to pat down her hair, smiling sheepishly at her friend as it only rose higher. There was no way she would live this down. Looking like a clown first thing in the morning is definitely a negative for the prom queen. Her smile became bitter as she realised that she was now using his nicknames. I might as well declare myself Spike clone 2. Buffy only fell into a deeper pit of despair when she realised that Spike must have left a while ago. There was no sign of him beyond the slight dint in the mattress.
Her inner voice couldn’t help berating her, a common occurrence after the events when a child. It had been the first time she had really stood up for herself in front of a man and thus was a major event. Her father would have smashed her to the floor if in Spike’s position and then probably continued for another hour to teach her a ‘lesson’. The rules clearly dictated that speaking back was forbidden. Buffy couldn’t help the shiver which ran through her whilst her insecurities voiced themselves mentally.
He probably left after your sob fest last night Summers. There‘s no point in him staying in the morning when he’s guaranteed to see water works. Her bottom lip trembled slightly before she recalled the same ire that had shown last night. This wasn’t her father that she was dealing with but another man. Someone she had a slightly equal footing with. Spike had no more right to control her than anyone else. The rebellious chiming of that inner voice was silenced quickly. The father issues could be dealt with later, Buffy instead focusing on her anger at the bleached blond.
Why am I so upset that he left? Spike can’t even tell me that he loves me!
Her hands balled the front of the fuzzy sweater into knots, realising that she needed to talk to someone before she exploded. Buffy had not really discussed anything with Cordelia since her indoctrination into the gang.
Maybe she can help.
Finally taking a good look at her friend, Buffy was shocked to see the brunette’s tearful expression. It was not an odd occurrence after the girl had started dating Angel but was still worrisome.
“Okay spill.”
Cordelia nodded, settling herself in the bed beside Buffy before hugging the other girl. “I’m completely sick of Angel.” Her declaration rang in the silence of the room as unbeknownst to the women Spike listened in the shower.
This will be enlightening. He bit back the desire to call out to Cordelia and tell her they were all sick of the poofter. Somehow he didn’t see Buffy liking his eavesdropping.
Slowly he turned the water off, standing there in the shower as Cordelia detailed Peaches’ infidelities in avid detail. Spike could barely believe the amount of women the man had been after. If Cordelia was telling only half the truth then there were still serious repercussions with his other birds. Darla won’t be happy. The Brit was well aware that anyone Angel slept with also had to be approved by the frozen woman. Her place as queen had never been disputed since that mess with Connor. To think that the wanker had the balls to test fate, and the gang’s stability for some short skirts was both numbing and infuriating.
His interest perked when the brunette mentioned Faith. That woman had ambition clearly written all over her and hated Peaches with a passion that rivaled his. Angel must be stupider than I thought to go cavorting around with her… silly ponce doesn’t know when he’s being played… messing with Parker’s girl… can only lead to more bleeding trouble. Spike groaned to himself. Things were already complicated enough with the relationships between the Initiative and Aurelius. Screwing Abram’s bint would only shoot everything to hell. Buffy’s voice murmuring in agreement caused Spike’s thoughts to fade away. She can’t really think that can she?
In the other room Buffy had listened to Cordelia’s complaints with growing apprehension. If Angel was susceptible to Faith than who else would fall to the woman’s charms? Her weak self esteem only shattered more when Cordelia discussed at length how Faith had been charming her way into not only Aureli’s arms but also making cracks at Spike. Her strangled expression caused the brunette to look at her questioningly.
“What’s wrong?”
“I think that Faith has done more with Spike than simply be flirtatious.” The surprise on her friend’s face made her feel slightly better. If Cordelia is shocked than maybe what that ho said was a lie. “She had a chat with me about him and said a few things that lead me to believe that they were intimate… I … confronted him last night and Spike said it wasn’t true…” Buffy looked up from her lap to see the comforting brown eyes of Cordelia. “What if it is though?”
“Then you make sure that he never goes back.”
“And the fact that he won’t talk to me about anything?” asked Buffy sadly. She knew that her friend was close to giving up completely on ever having a real relationship with Angel. The reality that Cordy was counseling her to just let Spike’s behaviour go was more frightening than she expected.
“You can either berate him for it until he explodes which he most definitely will” remarked Cordelia with a soft smile. “Or you can take what he gives and be happy with it. I speak from experience when I say that nagging gets you nowhere.”
“Besides Buff, I doubt that you want to know about Spike’s past. It’s most likely just as dark and painful as yours.” Cordelia stretched back against the headboard, noting that the blond did not seem too happy with her suggestion. Buffy always has been insecure; particularly with that goddamn father of hers.
“Have you told him anything about LA and Hank?” inquired Cordelia quietly.
“Of course not” replied Buffy, astonished that her friend would even suggest it. “He thinks I’m all innocent and pure. There’s no way that he’d want me if he knew the problems it would cause. I’d tell Spike if I trusted him but I can’t. There’s nothing between us except this sense of need and deep heart clenching emotion, which he doesn’t even feel. I love him but that’s not enough.”
Cordelia shook her head at that statement. “I don’t think so. He probably feels the same Buff. Spike never has taken to anyone the way he has with you. The man may not be very vocal about the things that are important but I know he cares more than is most likely appropriate from Angel’s viewpoint.” Her hand reached over to Buffy’s squeezing it gently in a moment of solidarity. “I can understand about not telling him though. The one thing that I can agree full heartedly with Darla is to not ever trust a man with anything but the television. I don’t know the full story but I doubt that Spike would react kindly.” The brunette paused for a moment, watching Buffy slowly nod her head in agreement. The last thing she wanted to see was the girl be rejected by William. It would ruin her and also put Buffy in instant danger.” Just remember to never judge them exactly the same either. Each has their own individual faults and strengths, Spike’s just happens to be a lack of verbosity except when ridiculing Angel.” Cordelia laughed bitterly, the reminder of her boyfriend all too sharp. “I think you should be happy that even if he was with Faith, he hasn’t gone to her since you showed up. That woman looks so much like a hooker that it would be hard for any man to tear his eyes off of her, let alone stop doing the dirty.”
Buffy nodded somberly. “I guess.” Her eyes were thankfully not full of tears, though she was sure that Cordelia could inspire them. The brunette knew about parts of her history through her father who’d had his finger in every honey pot. It was one of the main reasons why they were even introduced to one another. Cordelia was meant to be a link to the old world.
She just hoped that Spike would never find out.
Cordelia noticed the way Buffy’s eyes had glazed over, thoughts most likely about the bleached blond taking precedence. She could only look at the girl with envy, knowing that inevitably Spike would recognise her value. Angel would never give up any of the other women for me. It was an unspoken agreement between them all that once he tired of them, it was their job to simply disappear. Their safety was always guaranteed, one of the gang leader’s men ultimately checking on his former mistresses to report back on their welfare but he never went near them again. Cordelia got up from the bed, muttering a cheery goodbye to Buffy as she exited. They would be leaving for school soon but that didn’t mean she couldn’t plan anything.
Angel didn’t know it but she was leaving Sunnydale and him for good.
***
Spike sighed gratefully when the bedroom once more descended into silence. There was just so much to bleeding think about that he could barely stand without wanting to fall over from the weight.
I need to start keeping a journal.
It was a rather poncy thing to do in his opinion, the last one being torn to shreds after his mother’s death but he really needed it now. Anything would have been welcomed after the sudden torrent of emotions which swept through him.
And it’s all about Buffy.
He could feel this growing sense of doubt over refusing to tell her anything about him or his history. Her plea from last night still clearly resounded in his head, the wide hazel eyes having implored him to tell her something about himself.
Instead I tried to silence her like a bloody wanker.
The bleached blond stepped out of the shower, muscles clenching in protest. The women had been nattering on for a good hour before Buffy even started to talk about any of her problems. He still couldn’t believe that Faith would have the guts to try and trick Buffy into believing that something had happened between them. I’m going to kill her. One hand reached for a pale cream towel, winding it around his hips before staring at the mirror.
Who was he?
Spike could see traces of William in his demeanor, a soft smile or the way he touched Buffy bringing out the weaker side of his personality. Prior to the little spitfire he had dreaded any mention of his pre Spike days. Anything that reminded him of his mother and that tragedy was best left forgotten.
Now it seemed like William wanted to make regular appearances, very nearly ruining his Big Bad image and coming close to baring himself to Buffy. That scene downstairs with Finn could have easily turned into a brutal torture session rather than the salvation of Captain Cardboard. So many instances where he had gone soft because he feared what she would think began to race through his head, forcing the Brit to acknowledge that his emotions already were showing themselves. Even if he still could kill, brawl and be the menace of all other gangs, Spike knew he would find himself wondering about what the petite blond was doing, her fears, her thoughts.
Peaches has every right to be worried.
His azure eyes were ringed by red veins from lack of sleep and stress. They had always been considered his best feature, Darla saying it was one of the main reasons she ever warmed to him. The Brit secretly rued the messages they conveyed. All Buffy would have to do is look into his eyes to know that he loved her.
Buffy’s words from earlier echoed in his mind. She didn’t trust him with anything it seemed. He’d isolated her from a life of complacency and hadn’t bothered to give her an outlet.
It was painful to know that the girl couldn’t tell him anything.
Probably the chit’s idea of retribution for my own silence.
Angel had hinted more than once that Buffy was not all as she seemed but he’d been foolish and ignored the warnings. After all, the poofter would be intent on causing Spike to distrust her as much as humanly possible. It would severely dampen any emotions which may cause the Brit to have a change of heart. Spike knew that such a day would never come but perhaps he would take a lesser role. Jacob was more than willing to be Peaches’ new lackey.
He snorted at the thought. Angel would never accept anyone else but him as second in command. The wanker needs me too much.
The bleached blond smiled slightly to himself when hearing the sounds of Buffy getting dressed and not five minutes later departing from the room. He doubted that she knew he was so close and would’ve hung him if discovering that he’d been listening. He knew from hearing Dru’s conversations with bleeding Miss. Edith that women were particular about that sort of thing. It was comforting to know though that the prom queen wasn’t a sodding china doll.
Just another difference between the two.
He cocked the door open an inch, making sure the room was empty before stepping onto the carpet. He was nearly completely dry and only white curls dripped down his forehead. He flung the damp towel into the corner of the room, grinning when he saw the dreaded fuzzy sweater had been left behind. Spike grabbed the awful concoction of fabric and hastily threw it into his bag. He was fairly certain that Buffy would notice its absence later and wanted to donate it to Good Will or some other charity in order to be certain that the blasted thing would not return.
The issue of her hidden secrets weighed heavily in his mind as Spike dragged on a tight pair of black levis. Her mum most likely knew what had happened but he was certain that he wanted to go nowhere near the bird. She was already fairly batty what with the drugs and all. The blond was fairly certain that rehashing old issues would only make her worse. I need to send her to a clinic he thought morosely. Spike had not done anything for the chit’s mum besides having one of the gang members check to see that she was still at the house. He honestly didn’t trust Angel or that git Jacob to see to it themselves. The wankers would simply leave her there to rot.
The customary red shirt, shiny and freshly cleaned of the stain of alcohol was thrown across his back quickly, Spike hasty to get down stairs. Bloody school would be starting soon and as much as he wanted to give up on it, Rupes insisted that he go. Besides thought Spike gruffly, humoring the old man won’t harm more than my pride.
The last thing that entered his head as he jumped down the stairs towards his girl was the issue of trust. In particular all the delicious ways he could earn it.
Buffy will be spilling her secrets in no time at all.
***
Unfortunately Spike was wrong. It wasn’t a common occurrence but still smarted when Buffy, scowling and depressed jumped into the Desoto with barely a glance in his direction. Angel hopped into the front seat just moments later, Buffy sitting directly behind him. Darla and Cordelia piled in ten minutes later and before Spike had had a chance to say anything to Buffy beyond the customary ‘hello pet’, they were off.
The drive to school, if possible was worse than the strain between them last night. The only thing that could be heard was the murmurs of Buffy and the cheerleader in the back seat, Darla stonily staring out the window. The Brit had tried to soften the atmosphere, turning on the Buzzcocks’ “Orgasm Addict” but that hadn’t been received well at all. The cheerleader’s wails of ‘this is shit!’ coupled by Angel’s grin caused Spike to sink even deeper into his seat.
This is worse than hell.
The car remained silent for several more minutes before he grabbed for the sex pistols, cursing anyone who dared to voice a protest. They could have a go at his other bands as long as they bleeding well liked, but Johnny Rotten and the like of Sid Vicious was sacred. The gang leader beside him wisely kept his mouth shut, a physical signal to all to respect the music. Spike was positive that he’d drive straight into the building if they said another bickering word.
He didn’t even know what to do if they kept silent.
The first tunes of ‘Friggin’ in the Riggin’ caused Cordelia to bash her head against the back of his chair. If Buffy had been worried about his sanity before than she would want to reserve a place in the mental institute after listening to this song… She stuck her fingers into her ears, making sure not to groan even as pale blue eyes cast a hard stare in her direction.
Why on earth didn’t she walk?
Spike’s voice joined into the opening verse, not seeing the way Buffy’s eyes widened at each word.
“It was on the good ship Venus
By Christ, ya shoulda seen us
The figurehead was a whore in bed
And the mast, a mammoth penis
The captain of this lugger
He was a dirty bugger
He wasn't fit to shovel shit
From one place to another
Friggin' in the riggin'
Friggin' in the riggin'
Friggin' in the riggin'
There was fuck all else to do-
“ENOUGH!”
Buffy reached forward, turning the dial down until once more the confines of the car were filled with only breathing. She didn’t know who the hell would ever listen to such crap but was certain that if it played for another minute she would leap onto the pavement.
The blond never took note of the way Spike’s eyes lingered on her with warmth rather than the deadly glares that would normally befall anyone stupid enough to touch the volume.
Instead she cast him a withering glance before settling huffily back into her seat.
Angel sighed loudly, happy that someone had finally turned off the song. Spike’s face had been tense throughout the song as though preparing himself for the inevitable protest. Their first drive to LA together had mainly consisted of arguments over what to listen to and who had the better taste in music. The gang leader could state with complete experience that listening to more than hour of ‘good 70’s rock bands’ could make your ears bleed.
There was a collective sigh of relief when Spike blasted the nose of the Desoto into the parking lot.
Cordelia and Angel were the first to scramble to safety with Darla close on their heels. Buffy started to move when a strong hand gripped her arm, holding her in place.
The petite blond rolled her eyes at Spike’s expression, both filled with resentment and the slightest tinge of hurt.
What reason did he have to feel terrible? It isn’t him that gets shut out all the time. She resisted the urge to lean over and kiss him, already feeling her knees weaken at the sight he made. Reckless curls were plastered over his head with the man obviously not taking the time to slick them back as per usual. His doc martens had been replaced with heavy combat boots with the aura of ‘fuck off’ clear for all to see.
Spike looked absolutely delectable.
Buffy opened her mouth to ask him what he wanted but was quickly silenced by a firm kiss. His tongue delved into her mouth, completely dominating her and leaving her mind in a state of shock. Within a minute she had gone from detesting the obnoxious Brit to desiring him.
The husky baritone of his voice only lowered her ire, Spike pulling her into the front seat and placing her in his lap.
He brushed his nose against hers in an Eskimo kiss, shyly running his hands down her arms. “I’m sorry about last night Bufty. I’m a bad rude man but I promise to start talking.” He grinned sheepishly at her, loving the way her hazel eyes reflected his image. They stayed that way for several minutes, the bell in the background only slowly filtering in. When he finally registered it the Brit groaned in annoyance, opening the car door and settling Buffy on her feet gently. Her hand, small and soft reached for his, squeezing it for a moment before walking off to the main entrance.
Spike watched her go, the words on the tip of his tongue sounding too late to be heard. “I love you pet.”
* Friggin in the Riggin by the Sex Pistols
please R&R. I can't help feeling like I've lost some viewers.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
sorry that updates are so long. I'm having a bit of a writer's block problem. Will update again tonight.