The sunset brought with it no more answers. If anything, Spike felt even more lost than he had been before. The physical and emotional gap between them now had him once again on the edge of a panic. What if she didn't get better? What if this cursed soul kept eating away at her, wore her down until she was completely broken?
He remembered what it had been like when Drusilla was at her worst, how it had felt to worry constantly about whether or not she was going to deteriorate even further, or if he was finally going to lose her. He wasn't sure if he could go through that a second time, though he knew, still, he'd be damned all over again before he left Buffy's side.
Buffy's tears were constant, yet every one cut into his heart. He couldn't keep listening to her breaking like this; it was more than he could take.
Spike pulled Buffy back to him, tightening his arms around her when she struggled.
"Shh… I just want to hold you. It wasn't so bad last night, was it, baby? Let me hold you, lamb. Please…"
He felt her give in right before she turned around to bury her face against his chest. She kept crying, but at least with her crying in his arms, Spike didn't feel so helpless.
Spike stroked her hair and back, his lips against her skin as he whispered to her.
"I love you, Buffy."
Willow had thought things were going to start heading back towards normal again as soon as she did the spell to restore Buffy's soul. She'd been certain that once Buffy was good again, she'd come back and want to be part of her old life again.
Yet two days had passed, and Willow hadn't heard anything from Buffy. She'd hardly slept, afraid she'd miss her friend when she came, yet there had been no sign of Buffy anywhere.
Willow was growing steadily more nervous until she'd convinced herself Buffy was in some sort of trouble. She had to be—it was the only reason Willow could fathom for why Buffy hadn't come back, full of gratitude for what Willow had done to save her.
Angel had never gotten along with other vampires, that much Willow knew. The soul had set him apart, made him an outcast from the rest of what was once his kind. With Buffy now cursed, surely she would be at odds with other vampires in the same way—probably more so since she had been a Slayer. Buffy was good again, so she would, of course, automatically be the enemy of all things evil.
Furthermore, Kendra's death and the way her body had been displayed had led Giles to believe Spike was still around, and Willow was inclined to agree. Spike had wanted to kill Buffy when she was the Slayer, so surely he'd be after her now that she was an ensouled vampire.
Willow knew not just any vampire would be able to hurt Buffy, and Spike seemed like the obvious choice to not only be the one to try, but to be the one to succeed as well. Perhaps even Angelus, too, since Willow was sure Buffy must have been with him after she was turned. Would seeing Buffy cursed the same way he had once been anger Angelus enough to make him hurt her?
Looking at the situation now, Willow realized she hadn't thought her plan through as well as she should have. With her soul returned, Buffy was, well, Buffy again—and quite possibly at the mercy of Spike and Angelus.
The more she thought about that, the more worked up Willow became, fear making her heart pound. She should have found some way to protect Buffy before she'd restored her soul, but she hadn't, and now her friend was probably suffering—possibly even gone.
No, Willow decided—she wasn't going to believe that. Buffy may be in trouble, but she could still help her. It was what best friends did.
Willow knew she couldn't waste any more time waiting. She needed to save Buffy.
It was time for her to tell Giles what she had done.
"You need to eat, baby."
Buffy stayed with her back to Spike, ignoring him as he stood beside the bed, mug of pig's blood in hand.
"Come on, luv. You'll get weak if you don't eat. It's animal blood, Buffy, just like before. No humans hurt for it at all. I'll eat with you again, if it'll help. Come on now."
"I'm not hungry."
Despite the fact it was a continued refusal, Spike was relieved simply to hear Buffy talk. At least it was a step in the right direction.
"You'll feel better if you eat, baby. You haven't fed all day—even if you don't want it, you need it."
"No."
Spike wasn't going to give up. He couldn't let her slip into this, couldn't let her fall so deep she wouldn't be able to crawl back out. He sat down on the bed and moved close to Buffy with the mug of blood, hoping to entice her with the scent. "Come on, luv. Drink it for me?"
For a moment, Buffy was completely still. Spike waited, his hand gripped tightly around the handle of the mug. Then, he let out a sigh of relief when Buffy rolled over and sat up before she took the mug from him.
"You said you'd drink some with me."
Her face and her words were so pitiful, Spike wished he could take her pain away. If one of them had to suffer like this, he'd rather it be him. She didn't deserve it… He cupped her cheek, favoring her with a soft smile. "I will, luv. Give me a moment to go upstairs and get some, yeah?"
Buffy nodded, and Spike was glad to see she didn't pull away from his hand. He leaned forward and kissed her forehead before getting up and fixing himself his own mug of blood, working quickly so he could get back to Buffy before the winds changed and her compliance ended.
She was still seated on the bed when he came back down to the crypt's lower level, her hands wrapped around her mug though she hadn't drank any of the blood. "Waiting for me, luv?" Spike asked as he joined her.
"Yeah," Buffy said softly.
"Well, I'm here now." Spike tapped his mug against hers. "Cheers, pet."
With a small smile that went straight to his unbeating heart. Buffy raised her mug to her lips.
"You did what? What the bloody hell were you thinking?!"
Willow had imagined several different responses from Giles to telling him she'd restored Buffy's soul. This, however, was not one of them. She took a moment to respond, blinking back the surprise that Giles didn't seem to understand she'd done what she had to do. "I was thinking I had to save Buffy."
"By cursing her? Willow, of all the students in this school, I thought you would be the one with more sense than that." Giles stood up from the library table and began to pace, fidgeting nervously with his glasses as he did. "Even beyond the ramifications this could have for Buffy is the fact that you were playing with forces even an experienced witch could have difficulty in harnessing. For a novice such as yourself to…"
Willow's back went rigid, her confusion pushed out of the way by her wounded pride. "I handled them just fine, Giles."
Giles stopped, turning around to face Willow down. "You have no way of knowing that. You don't see the ramifications here!"
"You're the one who isn't seeing!" Willow countered. "This was the only way, Giles! I had to make her Buffy again."
"She's not going to bloody be Buffy!" Giles yelled, making Willow shrink back. "She's a vampire now. Nothing can change that. All you've done is ensure that she suffers!"
Willow refused to back down, even in the face of Giles's anger. She knew she had done what she had to do to help her friend. The soul had made all the difference between Angel and Angelus, after all. "I don't think you're right about this, Giles. In fact, I think you're very, very wrong."
Giles met Willow's eyes, his gaze unwavering for a moment before he pulled back. "Then you're a very stupid girl."
Willow bristled. "No, I'm not. You're the one being stupid here! Giles, I came to you because Buffy has to be in trouble. Someone must've gotten her—hurt her. It's the only reason she wouldn't have come back to us after I gave her her soul back!"
She'd expected him to soften then, the idea of Buffy being in danger brining him out of whatever bit of craziness he was in now. Instead, he began to laugh, the strange, mirthless sound making Willow wince. "In trouble? That's what you think? Any bloody trouble she's in now is because of you did to her!"
"No! Giles…I think it's Spike. He must've gotten her. You…you said you thought he killed Kendra."
A strange look went over Giles's face, one Willow couldn't quite place. "No, Willow, I don't think Buffy's in danger from Spike at all."
"But… She's not home! She has to be in trouble. We have to do something."
"I think you've done enough," Giles snapped. "Go home, Willow."
"But…"
"I bloody said go home!"
The look on his face and the tone in his voice made the hairs on the back of Willow's neck stand up. She grabbed her books and ran from the library, deciding Giles was not going to be the source of support she'd thought he would be.
Once she was gone, Giles sunk down in a chair, an anguished sob wrenched from him.
Spike couldn't decide which was worse—listening to her cry or watching her stare blankly at nothing in the in between times.
Both tore at his heart.
She only ate when he prodded her, and even then, he knew it wasn't enough. He'd tried coaxing her to sleep at first, but any sleep she did find was so plagued with nightmares that Spike had eventually relented and allowed her to stay awake.
The crying had to be better than the screaming, didn't it?
He didn't know.
At some point, she'd stopped talking completely. Any response from her was few and far between, and at times, Spike didn't think she was there with him at all.
He was losing her. The thought filled every inch of him with sheer terror, but it didn't change the fact of the matter. Buffy was slipping further and further away, and from what she screamed in her sleep, Spike was afraid Buffy was headed straight into insanity.
He could deal with an insane girlfriend he knew—that much was a proven fact—but it wasn't what he wanted for Buffy. She'd been so vibrant, so alive, even in death. She was wasting away right in front of him, and Spike couldn't handle it.
Not because he didn't want to go back to playing nursemaid. He'd do that without a second's hesitation. No, it wasn't for him at all.
It was for her.
Buffy deserved better than this.
After days of watching her waste away, Spike finally accepted the fact he couldn't do this on his own. Buffy was clearly not accepting his love, and he couldn't help but notice the way she would sometimes flinch at his slightest touch.
She needed someone she could trust, and as much as it pained him to admit, Spike didn't think that was him anymore.
So when Buffy fell into another uneasy sleep, Spike slipped from the crypt in search of someone who could help.
This is probably going to be my last post until after the New Year. I'm sorry, but I just can't right now. I would ask that you all try to be patient and respect that I need a little break, and I hope you'll all join me again in early 2007.