However, any illusions he may have allowed himself to have were shattered as soon as she woke. Buffy looked up at him, her eyes full of confusion for a moment before they widened, and she ran out of the room, her hand over her mouth.
The sound of her vomiting in the adjoining bathroom did nothing at all to help William's growing dread.
Several moments later, Buffy reemerged. She looked haggard and worn, yet William still couldn't seem to find her anything but beautiful. He reached out to her, a silent offer of support, but Buffy shook her head wildly before scrambling around for her clothes.
William pulled the sheet over himself, her rush to redress making him feel self conscious, even though she'd never bothered to undress him the night before, and he'd pulled up his sleep pants and boxers not long after the event itself.
"Buffy, can we talk about what happened?" he prodded softly, afraid to let her escape the room before anything was said. He had too many unanswered questions for that.
"There's nothing to talk about," Buffy said as she smoothed her dress, looking down so as not to have to look at William. "Last night was just a mistake."
William swallowed hard as he tried not to let her see the way her words affected him. He felt like such a bloody ponce for even thinking it, but the idea last night didn't mean anything to her hurt him deeply. It had meant something to him, even if it hadn't been anything like what he'd imagined. It had been his first time, and it had been with a woman he loved. It shouldn't have been like it was.
It shouldn't have made him feel used.
"What is this to you, Buffy?" William asked, hating the way his voice sounded so small to his own ears. She'd come on so strongly the night before and now she couldn't seem to get away from him fast enough—not to mention the fact waking up with him seemed to make her physically ill—and he didn't understand it at all.
Then, he thought back over the night and thought he hit upon the problem. "Is it because I wasn't very good?"
Buffy frowned. He wasn't very good? She didn't even remember… Still, she had to both get out of the situation and make sure it didn't happen again. Nothing good could come from her continued involvement with William, and she knew now that this line had been crossed, it would be next to impossible for her to prevent it from happening again on her own.
Even through the haze of the alcohol she'd consumed, Buffy remembered enough of the night to know what had occurred with her husband. Liam had hit her… It was the first time, but she knew enough about the world to know it wouldn't be the last.
She was faced with the blinding realization she hadn't wanted to face since she'd gotten married a month ago—Liam wasn't her hero, wasn't her savior coming to rescue her from the darkness she'd been trapped in before. If anything, he'd simply trapped her in a different way.
She couldn't explain it to William, couldn't tell him why she had to stay where she was. She was too tied to Liam to leave now, and no good could come at all for William if he held onto the notion something could exist between him and Buffy. As much as she wished she could act on her fantasy of running away with him now, she knew it was a silly, childish notion, and she had to accept a harsher reality.
Needed to do something to make sure William let this die now, Buffy latched on to what he said, using what she knew was usually the fastest way to make a man no longer interested. It broke her heart to treat him this way, especially after what she assumed she had done the night before, yet she knew it was really for his own good. He could go to college and build a decent life for himself, hopefully far away from the shadow of his father.
"Yeah, that is why," Buffy replied, even as her heart screamed at her not to do this. "There's no point in me wasting my time with some boy who can't even please me."
"Buffy, I'm sorry. I…I can get better, I can." William's voice grew softer, his eyes downcast as he added, "It was my first time."
Buffy directed her gaze to him and immediately wished she hadn't. He looked so vulnerable right now, and she knew she was taking advantage of that. But this was for his own good. He didn't need to harbor feelings for her when he had his whole life ahead of him. He'd get over this soon enough, and Buffy doubted there'd be a shortage of women in college to help boost his self esteem back from any damage she may cause.
"It was still disappointing. But it did make me realize I was crazy to think I wanted anything with anyone but Liam." Buffy saw the pain flash across William's face at that, and knew her words hit their mark—even if William could never know the true meaning behind them.
"Bottom line, Will," she continued, "this was a huge mistake. The only reason I even slept with you was because I was drunk, and trust me, there's not enough tequila in the world to make me do that again."
William's head came up, and Buffy almost gasped as she watched his eyes harden. "Fine. If that's the way you feel, then just get the hell out of my room."
His tone was cold and even, his expression one of barely controlled anger, and Buffy felt her heart rate accelerate. Had she been misreading William all along?
"Why are you still here?" William snapped when Buffy didn't move.
Buffy hurried out of the room then, tears filling her eyes as she headed back towards her own. She heard a crashing behind her and jumped, realizing William had just thrown something at the wall. Still, she didn't look back. Instead, she curled up in her still-made bed and cried.
It was late before Buffy finally got up again. She ached all over, still feeling the effects of her hangover. She stumbled into the bathroom, grimacing at what she saw in the mirror. She was a mess, with smeared make-up, ruffled hair, and a wrinkled dress.
She took off her dress, discarding it carelessly on the floor despite the price tag it had come with. Truth be told, she never wanted to see the thing again. Buffy then made her way over to the shower, turning the water on as hot as she could stand it before stepping in.
She wished the water could wash away more than physical grime, though she knew she was stuck with the situation she'd put herself into. Things had been easier when she could pretend she didn't see all the clues pointing to the man her husband really was. She'd wanted to be happy, wanted to believe she really had found her prince, and she'd been able to overlook what she didn't want to see in order to hold on to that dream.
Yet last night reality had hit her with a literal slap in the face. She'd feared it in the past with Liam's temper, yet she'd hoped perhaps he did love her enough to not cross that line. The last of her illusions were shattered now.
Part of her blamed William for it. Before he came along, she could still pretend. His addition to the household had been what it had taken to tip the scales, push Liam past the point where he could continue to hold himself back with his young wife.
Still, she knew that wasn't fair. Liam would've reached this point eventually, with or without William being around. All the warning signs had been there, but Buffy had chosen to ignore them in favor of believing she could finally find the happiness she'd lost two years ago.
Believing maybe she could have a family again.
No, she couldn't blame William. He had been an innocent in all of this. Buffy reached for her shampoo, wincing as she thought about what she had said to him that morning. She'd been taken aback by his anger, yet it really shouldn't have come as a surprise to her he'd acted that way. She'd just callously ripped his heart out—who wouldn't have been angered by that?
She knew now, as her head began to clear, that she couldn't allow things to remain that way between them. If nothing else, William deserved the truth. She'd made her choice when she'd married Liam, and even if William didn't like it, he'd have to accept it.
He had to know as well as she did his only chance to have any sort of happiness in his life was to get as far away from Liam as he could.
After Buffy finished her shower, she dressed and dried her hair, happier with what she saw in the mirror now. Even if she knew she could never have what she truly wanted with William, she hoped he could at least forgive her for what she'd done.
Though she wouldn't blame him if he couldn't…
Mustering up her courage, Buffy went back down the hall towards William's bedroom. All she had to do was explain things to him, make him understand why she'd married Liam and why she had to stay with him no matter what. And let him know the blame for how badly things had gone the night before rested squarely on her shoulders and not on his…
Yet when she got to his room, he wasn't there. His drawers were still half open, with all of his clothing removed. A broken lamp lay shattered against the wall, and Buffy winced as she remembered hearing him throw it on her way out of his room that morning.
Buffy turned when she heard someone in the hallway, but saw that it was the housekeeper. "Anita, do you know what happened to William?"
"He left a few hours ago, Miss Buffy."
At that, Buffy felt herself rising into a panic. How could he just leave? "He left? Where did he go?" Buffy asked, fighting against sounding as frantic as she felt.
Anita shrugged. "I don't know. He just packed his things and called for a taxi. I didn't think it was my place to ask."
Anita started off, but before Buffy could try to stop her to see if she could get anymore information, she heard the heavy step of Liam's shoes on the stairs. She swallowed, her heart hammering in her chest as she saw him, a smirk on his face.
"You hear that, baby?" he asked, his smirk spreading into a grin. "It's just you and me again—and daddy's not at all happy about what you did last night."
Her legs too weak to support her anymore, Buffy slumped to the ground.
A clarification on my note about Angelus—I didn't mean you guys didn't know he was a bad guy in this. What I meant was, this is not an "Angel bashing" fic (as it has been accused of being by more than one reader). My characterization is based on Angelus on the show; therefore, I'm not just making him all mean because I don't like the character.
This is probably going to be my last post until after the New Year. I'm sorry, but I just can't right now. I would ask that you all try to be patient and respect that I need a little break, and I hope you'll all join me again in early 2007.