It only took him a moment after he opened his eyes to realize why.
Buffy was curled up at his side, sound asleep with a slight upturn to the corner of her lips. One of her arms was stretched out across his chest, her hand holding on lightly to his bicep, while her leg was wrapped around his.
She looked…comfortable.
Still, seeing her there begged the question of how exactly she got there, and Spike thought he might have had a dim recollection of calling her. But even if he had, it shocked him to think that she would not only actually come, but join him in the bed to sleep snuggled against his side—especially after how they’d last parted.
Yet there she was, and Spike was grateful his stomach didn’t seem to be rebelling enough to make him leave the bed. He was quite content to stay right there, watching her sleep.
And that in itself was a revelation. He’d left Drusilla the night before—the woman he’d thought he loved—and yet, he couldn’t seem to find a lot to regret in that decision. When he was honest with himself, he knew their relationship had been rocky at best and disastrous as a matter of course, and ending it felt more like a relief than anything else. It hadn’t even been that which had driven him to drink the night before. It had been the woman in his arms right now. Buffy. He’d hurt her, and despite everything she’d ever done to him, that knowledge broke him apart.
He didn’t want to hurt her. He’d been so angry, so hurt himself, that he thought he did, but now he realized he didn’t. He wanted to take her hurt away. He wanted to love her.
He did love her.
Spike watched her sleeping until she awoke with a stretch and a small, mewling noise he couldn’t help but smile at. Buffy’s eyes blinked open, a moment of confusion wrinkling her brow before she stretched again and gave him a sleepy, “Hey.”
The smile didn’t fall from his face. “Hey.”
Buffy smiled back for a moment before a darker expression clouded her features, and Spike felt his heart drop, ready for her to freak out and run away.
“You passed out with your door unlocked last night, you mo’,” she scolded him. “What if someone other than me had come along and you’d ended up dead, huh?” She slapped his chest. “Don’t do things like that.”
Spike blinked, staring at her for a moment before his grin returned, broader than before. Buffy looked at him like he was insane. “Why are you smiling? You could’ve been totally axe-murdered last night, you know.”
“First off, luv, we’re in LA. Odds are I’d be shot, not axed. And second, well, you were worried about me.”
Buffy rolled her eyes. “Of course I was. Duh.”
He ran his hand down her cheek. “Didn’t think you’d care. Not after what I said to you yesterday…”
“I said things to you, too,” Buffy replied, her gaze falling. “I’ve said lots of things to you I shouldn’t have.”
Spike took her hand, linking his fingers with hers. “I didn’t mean them, Buffy. What I said yesterday—I was just lashing out. I don’t think that of you.”
“I didn’t mean any of them either,” Buffy told him, her eyes going to where their hands were joined. “Even that morning after we…the first time…what I said. I…I wanted to hurt you so you’d get over me and you’d go have a better life. And I realize now I made a mistake, and I hated doing that to you even at the time, but I was afraid that you’d want to stay around me and never get away from Liam, and I didn’t want that for you.” Tears welled up in her eyes as she thought about that morning and she tightened her grip on his fingers.
Spike sucked in a breath, not sure what to do with what she’d just told him. He’d spent so much time reacting to what she’d said to him that morning that he didn’t know what to think now that she was telling him it was an attempt—albeit a misguided one—to protect him. “You…you didn’t not want me because I wasn’t good enough?” he asked, his voice faltering.
Buffy sighed. “Honestly, Spike? God, this is going to sound horrible, but I don’t even remember that night. I was so drunk you could’ve been the Second Coming of Casanova and I’d have no idea.”
Suddenly seeing the event with firsthand knowledge he hadn’t had at the time, everything seemed to shift in Spike’s mind. “That’s why I ran into the bathroom that morning. You were hungover.”
“Well, yeah,” Buffy replied, looking up again. “What, did you think I got sick just from waking up next to you?” She saw a flash of pain in his eyes and gasped. “Oh god, you did. Will, I’m so sorry. I didn’t… I wish I could take that morning back, do it over, make it better, something. I just wish…”
Spike put his finger to her lips when he noticed her starting to cry again. “Shh. That’s the past, yeah?”
“Still, I…”
“Don’t, baby. I don’t want to see you cry.”
Buffy looked up at him, frowning. After the way she’d treated him, he was worried about seeing her cry? “Will…”
“Let’s just forget it, kitten. We’ll call this our first time.”
“What do you…” Before Buffy could finish asking him what he’d meant by that, Spike had leaned in and caught her mouth in a passionate kiss. She surrendered immediately, moaning against his lips as she moved one hand up to tangle in his hair. It amazed her that with as much processing he must do to it to get it to look like that it could still feel so soft.
Spike’s hands dipped under Buffy’s shirt and roamed her bare skin, finally settling on her breasts, cupping the firm mounds, his thumbs flicking over her pebbled nipples. She made heady little sounds in response, nipping at his lips when he did something that felt especially good.
Suddenly, she pushed him away, and Spike frowned before she nudged him on his back and began to slide down. She cupped him through her jeans with one hand, the other reaching for the buttons of his fly. With a grin that made him shiver, Buffy looked up and caught his gaze. “It’s time I did something for you, Spike.”
He started to be chivalrous and tell her she didn’t have to, but when she pulled him out of his jeans and licked the tip of his cock with purpose, he reached down and cupped the back of her head instead.
Buffy reached back into his jeans and pulled out his balls, alternating between massaging and squeezing them as she wrapped her other hand around the base of his cock, stroking what she couldn’t get in her mouth.
Spike’s long fingers tangled in her hair, grunts and moans interspersed with harsh puffs of breath sounding from him. Buffy stole a glance at his face, loving what she saw. There was no doubt he was enjoying this, and it made her happy to know she was giving him something good.
Suddenly, however, he was pulling her up and off his cock. Buffy looked at him in confusion, and Spike did his best to explain what he wanted, even though he was already behind the real use of words.
“Want…inside you…”
Buffy nodded, his explanation more than enough. She wanted him inside, too… She hopped off the bed to remove her clothes, watching as Spike scrambled to do the same. As soon as they were both undressed, she was on him again, her body stretched over his as she kissed him, drawn to his mouth. Spike’s hands roamed over her body, stroking her back and bottom before he ran one hand between her legs, feeling the moisture there and knowing she was as ready as he was. Gently, he nudged her legs apart, and Buffy pulled up, straddling his hips with Spike’s proud cock jutting out between them.
She took hold of him with one hand, running her thumb along the slit and spreading his precum around the tip. “No one’s ever made me feel as good as you do,” Buffy told him, her eyes locking with his. “No one.”
Even if his own self doubts would plague him later, in that moment, he believed her.
Her hand moved up, then down, once, caressing him, soothing him, before Buffy lifted up and eased down onto his cock. His size always led to some pain when he entered her, but Buffy had never minded. In fact, she welcomed it. It let her know he was really there, filling her.
Buffy had never been much of a talker during sex, but she forced the words out, needing to replace the hurtful words she’d said to him before. “So good, William,” she said, gasping loudly as his hips bucked up. “So good…”
“Buffy…oh, Buffy…perfect…tight…” Spike trailed off with a groan and pushed up hard, grasping onto her hips as he did. Buffy cried out, moving with him, setting a rhythm as she put her hands over his, feeling the muscles in them flex with every thrust.
“Never…never wanted anyone like you. Can’t…can’t stop wanting you…” Spike thrust hard beneath her, and she threw her head back, crying out his name. “Will!”
Seeing the look of sheer ecstasy on her face made whatever bit of control Spike had left snap and he flipped her over with a growl, setting a harsh, unrelenting pace as he pounded into her welcoming body. Buffy wrapped her arms and legs around him tightly, pulling him closer, needing him deeper.
She didn’t know what it was that drew her to this man in a way she’d never felt before, but she couldn’t deny it. Not now, not when he was surrounding her, blocking out everything else in her world but the feel of him making love to her. Pleasure built inside of her, coiling tight, and she couldn’t speak anymore, only able to tell him with moans and whimpers how he made her feel. But it was enough, the sounds he made in response, the hot, desperate kisses he pressed against her skin, told her he knew.
She came hard, her orgasm lingering, shooting through her entire body, making her tremble beneath him as her pussy clenched down on him, ensuring that Spike followed closely behind. He bellowed her name, the word wrapped in relief, and Buffy held on, not letting go even when he finally collapsed against her, breathing hard against the curve of her neck.
Her legs went limp and slipped to the mattress, but her arms kept him close, her hands massaging the muscles of his back. Spike made a soft sigh of contentment against her skin as he pressed kisses against her neck, making Buffy tremble all over again.
“How was that for a first time?” Spike murmured against her ear, adding a nip to the lobe.
Buffy chuckled, even as tears blurred her eyes. “It was beautiful, William.”
He looked up, saw her eyes, and frowned as he pulled up on his arms to look at her face. “Don’t cry, baby. Please.”
“I’m sorry. I just… I don’t even know what to say right now, Spike.”
Spike leaned in, kissed the tears off her cheeks. “I know, sweetheart. But you don’t have to say anything. I know.”
She reached up and threaded her fingers into his hair. “Why couldn’t I have met you first?”
“Leave him,” Spike replied, the words leaving his mouth before he even realized they were coming.
Buffy shook her head “I can’t. Please don’t do this now. I just…I just want to pretend that none of that matters, and it’s only us. Can it be only us for now?”
It wasn’t the answer he wanted, but he also knew it was the only one he could really expect. Still, he was desperate for whatever he could have with her, even if it was only a taste of what he really wanted.
But a taste was better than nothing.
He leaned back in for a kiss.
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