Cover Art by NoaluvJames
“If I lay here, If I just lay here
Would you lie with me,
And just forget the world.
Forget what we’re told
Before we get too old.
Show me your garden that’s
Bursting into life.
All that I am,
All that I ever was,
Is here in your perfect eyes,
They’re all I can see.
I don’t know where,
Confused about how as well.
Just know that these things will never
Change for us at all.
If I lay here, If I just lay here,
Would you lie with me and just
Forget the world.”
Tick….tick…the sound of a hospital elevator ascending from floor to floor was not strange to William’s ears. Tick…tick…tick, He had, however, never noticed how soothing the sound could be to a mind deprived of sleep. The gentle movement was strangely relaxing as he began to think back upon the events of the past week. Tick…tick…His life, and more importantly, his routine, had been turned completely upside down and it could all be traced back to a single moment. A moment that would, once he reached his destination, change his life forever.
“What’s your name luv?” he asked, pulling her closer to him as the rainfall began to slacken.
“Elizabeth,” she whispered, adjusting the baby so that she was nestled in between them cooing softly, “and this is Lilly”.
He never left her side. Even after security found them and escorted Elizabeth upstairs to the NICU, and then into a private room they usually set aside for parents to stay the night when they're children had been admitted. He wouldn’t leave her, and she wouldn’t let go of Lilly. A nurse William didn’t recognize pleaded with Elizabeth to let her change Lilly into a dry diaper and pajamas but she wouldn’t hear of it, for fear they would take her away.
“But Ms. Summers, it’s hospital policy that we keep an on going inventory of everything that goes out including diapers and clothing. They’re just down the hall in the nursery, and if you’ll let me, I’ll bring her right back to you. You have my word.” Elizabeth's only response was the vigorous shaking of her head, and a tightening grip on a restless Lilly. William could see this was going nowhere fast.
“Excuse me,” he interjected quickly, “couldn’t you make an exception just this once?” When the nurse started again about policies and inventory, William got annoyed. “I’m sorry, what was your name again?”
“It’s Kendall sir, Harmony Kendall.”
“Ms. Kendall, are you new here?”
“Y-yes sir, I just started about a week ago, I’m a new graduate from UC…”
“Fascinating,” William interrupted her taking his badge out of his pocket as he did. “Tell me Harmony, may I call you Harmony?” On her nod, he continued, “Fantastic, Tell me Harmony, do you know what this is?” He tossed her his photo ID badge complete with name and title. She nodded again, and he continued, “Can you tell me what it says?”
“William E. Giles MD. Cardiology” she read slowly.
“Very good, and do you know what that means?” He asked. He knew he was being arrogant but given the circumstances and the dimwitted look of accomplishment on the nurse’s face when she finished reading his ID card, he was having a hard time feeling guilty about his attitude.
“It means that you’re a…doctor?” She responded, obviously confused as to where he was headed.
“Good girl, don’t be afraid just shout them out when you know. And do you know what being a Doctor means?” she shook her head, afraid to answer, “Well, I’ll tell you,"he continued, "it means that when I tell you to do something, you do it, no questions asked, no comments made and certainly no long spiel about how keeping inventory on a diaper is so important. Now, maybe I didn’t make myself clear before but that was not a request. You will make an exception in this particular case. You will go and retrieve the things Ms. Summers needs to change her daughter. If there is a problem at the end of the month with a shortage, I will personally replace what Ms. Summers needs. Now run along like a good girl and do as your told.” With that he snatched his ID Badge out of Harmony’s now trembling hand and turned his back on her, the sound of the door closing the only sign that she had in fact left the room.
“I think you made her cry,” Elizabeth whispered from across the room. Sometime during the confrontation with the nurse she had begun to feed Lilly. She covered herself with a hospital gown that was sitting on the bed and William suddenly felt like an intruder.
“I’m sorry, I don’t usually get that way but sometimes the newbies are so set on doing things by the book, the don’t know when to pick their battles. Would you like me to leave you alone while you take care of the little one?” Elizabeth shook her head,
“No, I’m fine, childbirth sort of throws modesty out the window. Besides, I’m covered pretty well here.” William sat down on the edge of the bed, watching her discreetly feed her daughter. He was so mesmerized by the noises Lilly was making that the sound of Elizabeth’s voice startled him, making him jump. “So you’re a cardiologist?”
“I’m sorry what?” She smiled at the dazed expression on his face,
“You’re a cardiologist?”
“Yes, I’m a pediatric cardiologist.”
“Hmm,” she said thoughtfully, “you save lives. That must make it really easy for you to sleep at night.”
“Elizabeth?” He wasn’t sure where she was going with this, and he didn’t want to upset her.
“Please, call me Buffy.”
“Buffy?”
She smiled at the look on his face, “When I was younger my parents called me Bethy, and I loved to refer to myself in the third person. “This is Bethy’s milk, Bethy’s chair, things like that. The only problem was, I couldn’t say Bethy, it came out Buffy and it stuck. Lucky me.”
They were distracted by a quiet knock on the door. When William answered it he saw nurse Harmony had returned with the things for Lilly and a fresh dry robe for Buffy. William took them from her, nodded his appreciation and then shut the door. “Here you go Luv.” He handed the items over to her and quickly moved away as she laid Lilly down on the bed to change her. “I should let you spend sometime with her, I’ll leave you two alone. If you want I can give…”
“Please don’t leave me.” He paused at her request. “I don’t want to be alone, when it happens, I’d like to have someone here with me, someone that at least seems to care because they want to, not because they’re being paid to. I know I don’t know you that well, or at all but does this even begin to make sense?”
He nodded, “Of course it does luv. I’ll stay as long as you want me to.”
“It’s going to hurt isn’t it?" He tilted his head in response, and she continued. "When she…it’s going to hurt.”
He had no idea how to answer that question. Yes, it was going to hurt. He was lucky enough to say that during his tenure at the hospital he had yet to lose a patient, however, he had at one time been an intern and seen the aftermath the death of a child could cause on a parent. There was no preparation, no mind easing word he could come up with to take her impending pain away. For the second time today William felt helpless.
“You know what I want to do?” He asked, trying to break the tension. Buffy shook her head, “I want to take a picture of you two.” He took his cell phone out of his pocket, and silently hoped he didn’t screw this up. Unfortunately, he’d let some twelve-year-old sales person convince him to buy a phone that far surpassed his needs. He was convinced that if he took the time he could teach it to do his taxes all on it's own. He looked at the front of the phone hoping that the camera feature would jump out at him somehow. He could tell you every valve of the human heart by name and point them out blindfolded, but he couldn’t figure out how to take a snapshot on his cell phone, go figure.
“Do you need some help with that?”
“Would you mind? It’s fairly new and I’ve not had much of a chance to play with the features, but you must promise to keep this to yourself, or else I’ll be forced to turn in my “man” card.
“It’s no problem. Here, we'll switch.” William felt a swell of pride as he took the Lilly into his arms. Buffy had been so adamant since they were escorted back inside that no one was to touch the baby but herself and she’d given her over to William freely.
“She’s so tiny.” He whispered staring down into the newborn’s face. “Just like an angel.” He was so distracted by her he barely noticed the clicking noise of his phone snapping a picture of the two of them.
“I think I got it to work.” Buffy smiled at the image now captured on her phone. “It takes pretty good pictures for a phone.”
“What’s wrong with her?" He asked suddenly, never looking away from Lilly's tiny face. "Have you gotten a second opinion?”
“She...she has a congenital heart defect, or defects more accurately. She has 3 holes in her heart, each a little bit bigger than the first. It’s actually not as uncommon as it sounds," Buffy laughed a little at that, "I'm telling you all this as if you don't know what a "congenital heart defect is."
"It's really okay. Please continue." he urged never taking his eyes off of Lilly’s hand that was now wrapped around his index finger.
Elizabeth smiled gratefully before she continued. "I had the same thing when I was a baby but to have 3 and for them to be the size they are her doctor classified her as inoperable.”
“Who was your consulting surgeon? I could have a talk with them and see if there’s something we or I could do.” God! Anything but her heart, he could fix hearts.
“DING,” The sound of the elevator reaching his destination jarred him from his memories. He looked up at the illuminated numbers above his head and sighed, 13th floor, here we go again. As he stepped off of the elevator he couldn’t help but take notice of how dreary this place was. He was used to his hospital. The walls were painted bright colors with cartoon murals to calm the minds of the children under their care, as opposed to the bleak institutionalized décor he was now looking at.
“Hey Dr. Giles, right on time. She’s just had her lunch,” an orderly spoke up from behind him.
"Hey Parker" William quickly turned and shook the orderly's hand. "Any change today?"
“No sir, she hasn’t spoken a word in going on a week. Her doctor is set to release her on Monday but to be honest, I’m not sure we have anywhere to release her to.”
I don’t have anywhere to go, or anything else to give her.
“Yeah I know.” William sighed as he started down the long hallway to his destination. A small private room marked “Summers” on the door.
*Song at the beginning: Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol.