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Reunions / Part 11

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*She can’t! But, but she does! She looks exactly like Buffy! When she was little!* These thoughts ran through Dawns mind as she stared at the little girl. She’d stared at that picture a thousand times, a hundred thousand times, after Buffy died, before she came back, and over the years since Sunnydale.

It was in the photo album, the one Mom had made when she was sick, before she died. The only personal thing Dawn took from the house that day they went to the school to fight the First. As if knowing she would never be going back home again. The only thing that was left of her life before the end of Sunnydale. It had pictures of Mom, and Dad, pictures of Buffy when she was little, even pictures of Dawn when she was little (which weren’t even real, but they were), pictures of the three of them together.

There were pictures of everyone important to Buffy and Dawn, before the end. Willow, Tara, Xander, Anya, Giles, even Oz ,Cordelia, and Faith. There was a picture of Angel and Buffy together and one of Buffy and Riley, and there was even a picture of Spike that Dawn had snapped of him in his duster without him knowing about it. (The only one Buffy had asked for, to keep for herself.)

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Dawn had been so distracted by her own thoughts that whole minutes had slipped by without her knowing it. She only came back to the here and now when Willow touched her arm. When she did come back it was to find that Spike and the little girl were gone. She looked around quickly and saw that the two of them were sitting over by the wall near the door. The little girl was sitting in Spikes lap while he was feeding her fries as she held on with both hands to a big cheese burger.

“Are you alright?” Willow asked with concern in her voice.

“Yes. No. I mean yes, I’m alright. But? Willow, do you remember my photo album? The one Mom made?” Dawn asked tentatively?

“Yeah, kind of? I haven’t seen it in years, but I remember it. Why?” Willow asked with a puzzled look on her face at Dawns question.

“Do you remember the picture of Buffy when she was eight years old, it was a birthday picture, in a little pink and white dress?” Dawn asked cautiously.

“Well, kind of, but not so much really?” Willow replied, still feeling puzzled.

“Well I do, like I’m holding it in my hand right now, and that little girl you said is Spikes daughter?” Dawn said in a hushed voice as she stared over at Spike and the little girl. “She looks exactly like Buffy in the picture!”

Just as Dawn finished her sentence the little girl looked up from eating, directly at Dawn, then turned her attention back to Spike. Dawn felt a chill run through her body.

Willow was shocked at first by what Dawn had just said, but after a few moments of thinking about it, she replied “It’s just a coincidence Dawn. Little girls with blonde hair kind of look alike at that age, mostly?” As she added the ’mostly’ to the end of her sentence Willow started to feel unsure.

“It’s not a coincidence Willow” Dawn said with more surety in her voice. “She looks exactly like Buffy did when she was little, exactly!”

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As Dawn stood in the middle of the big sublevel room that Spike and his kids used as a living area she felt lost as to what to do. The slayers had all dispersed themselves amongst the kids and were talking to some of them while they ate the food that had been brought in for them and passing out more to anyone who wanted more. Willow was staying close to Dawn, keeping an eye on Spike and the girl, but hadn’t said anything to her for several minutes after her revelation that the little girl looked like Buffy as a child. Spike was totally ignoring both of them as he helped to feed the girl and talked to her in whispers and little coos.

The bizarreness of the situation had her feeling afraid and unsure of herself. A feeling she wasn’t use too, not for a long time anyway. It came to her that she hadn’t felt this way, lost and afraid of what would happen next, since the bad times after Buffy’s death. Back then the only person that had made her feel safe, even for a little while, more than anyone else, had been Spike. Through all her fears and uncertainties, Spike had been there for her, helping her to deal with her grief and making her feel safe.

Dawn shook herself, trying to throw off these feelings. She wasn’t a child anymore, she was a grown woman. She was trained to face her fears, to fight the unknown, to conquer her enemies. But, there weren’t any enemies to fight, there was just Spike and the little girl, Joy, his daughter. Dawns feelings of loss and uncertainty continued to grow and she became more and more afraid of what would happen next.

When Willow suddenly touched her arm, Dawn jumped and spun around toward Willow as if she were being attacked. It was only due to her own training over the past eight years that Willow was able to block the blow directed at her throat. She took a quick step back from Dawn, but kept her hands up to protect herself in case Dawn were to strike again.

After the first hard strike, Dawn realized who she was attacking and stepped back from Willow. It hit her then that if she had made contact with her intended target she would have crushed Willows throat. Dawn stood there shaking, trying to get herself under control. She then realized that if it had been any of Spikes kids, instead of Willow she had attacked, they would probably be lying on the floor dying. Dawn started to shake even more.

Willow was standing back from Dawn with her hands still up to protect herself, her eyes were wide open and she was looking at Dawn with fear. Seeing the fear in Willows eyes made Dawn shake even more. Her nerves were on such an edge she felt as if she was going to fly apart.

When two hands clasped her shoulders from behind, Dawn froze, but her whole body was vibrating with tension. When she heard Spikes soft voice speaking quietly in her ear, “Let it go Love, I’m here.” the tension seemed to drain out of her whole body and she would have slumped to the floor if Spike hadn’t kept her on her feet.

The next thing Dawn was aware of Spike was walking her across the floor toward the big cushion he had been sitting on near the door. The little girl, Joy, was standing there smiling at her as she drew nearer. As Spike tried to ease her down onto the cushion to sit, Dawn resisted and tried to pull away. When the girl took Dawns hand and gave it a little squeeze, Dawn looked down at her and saw that she was smiling up at her. She then made a little cooing sound and squeezed Dawns hand again.

“Just do what she tells you, Love” Spike said quietly “she’ll have her way in this, she wants us to talk.”

“What??” Dawn mumbled, still not able to fully focus.

“Sit down with me, Pet” Spike said as he sat down on the cushion, pulling Dawn down onto the cushion with him. He pulled at her until she was sitting cross wise to him with her legs half tucked up under herself. Spike had one leg out straight with the other bent up to act as a back rest for Dawn. He had one arm around her shoulder holding her against his chest, the other arm across her waist holding her in his lap. Dawn turned her head so that she could look up at Spike and could see the concern in his eyes.

For the first time in almost ten years Dawn found herself in the one place she had always felt safe, in Spikes arms. Tears started running from her eyes as he held her, her silent tears turning into a full cry. Her whole body shook as her feelings and emotions peaked and brought all the feelings of loss and grief she had kept locked inside over the years to the surface. Spike squeezed her tighter against his chest and rocked her in his arms. As the tears flowed from her eyes, Spike kissed them away to ease her pain.

For several minutes Dawn cried without any awareness of the world around her except for the feel of Spikes arms around her and his kisses on her eyes and cheeks. When she finally started to calm down she became aware of someone petting one of her arms. She turned her head and found the little girl, Joy, was kneeling next to her and was petting her arm, trying to sooth her. When their eyes met Dawn could see that there were tears in the girls eyes too, but she was smiling at Dawn in such a way that Dawn had to smile back at her.

When Dawn turned her head so that she could again see Spikes face, there were still tears leaking from her eyes, but she was much calmer and more in control of herself. As she looked up into his eyes she could see the care and concern in them, and the love. Seeing the love in Spikes eyes set Dawn off again and twisting herself in his arms so that she could bury her face in his chest she started crying even harder than before. As she cried, between sobs, she kept saying over and over “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

Spike could make out the words but he didn’t understand what Dawn was saying she was sorry about. He raised his head to seek out Willow and found her kneeling in front of him next to his daughter. He looked past Willow and found that all of the slayers and his children were gathered in a semicircle around him watching quietly. He looked at Willow again and asked quietly “Do ya know what she means, Pet? What’s she sorry about?”

Willow had tears in her own eyes as she knelt in front of Spike. “I’m not sure what she’s sorry about. It could be what we’re all sorry about, that we didn’t find you. We did look Spike, for a whole month we looked, but we couldn’t find any trace of you.”

“No” Dawn said between sobs, “that’s not it.” She turned herself so that she could look up at Spikes face, and said “I mean, I am sorry we didn’t find you Spike. Buffy and I, and Willow and the Coven and the slayers, we did look for you, everywhere. But we couldn’t find you. We tried Spike, we really did try. But that’s not all. I’m sorry for before too.”

“Before what, Love” Spike asked in puzzlement?

“For not believing in you, for not trusting in you, for being mad at you, for not understanding” Dawn said in a near whisper.

“I still don’t understand, Love” Spike said “but what ever it is you think you have to be sorry about, you don’t, not to me.”

“But I do Spike, I do. You don’t understand” Dawn said a little louder and more clearly. “After Buffy came back, from heaven, you know? You kind of stopped coming around to see me and talk to me anymore, and I missed you. I mean, I knew you loved Buffy, but I thought you loved me too, and when you stopped coming to see me it hurt. When it all came out about you and Buffy, you know, being secrete lovers and stuff, that hurt too. Then you left Sunnydale, I didn’t know why you left, and you didn’t even say good-by or anything. It hurt that you didn’t care that I would miss you and I got mad at you for leaving. When you did come back, Xander told me what you did, what you tried to do, you know? I hated you for what you tried to do to Buffy. Even when she didn’t seem to be mad at you at all. I threatened you, remember? I wouldn’t trust you anymore. It made me even more angry that Buffy trusted you. I even turned against her because she trusted you. I wouldn’t let myself see the truth, and then you died, in the Hellmouth, and it was to late for the truth, or to say I was sorry.”

“Oh Love” Spike said as tears formed in his eyes, “you don’t have to be sorry about anything. You were bloody right to hate me for what I did, I hated myself for it too. I didn’t blame you for hating me, so you shouldn’t blame yourself for feeling the way you do.”

“No” Dawn said in a plaintive voice. “You still don’t understand. After you died, in the Hellmouth, Buffy moped around for months. I would hear her at night crying. Giles sent us to Rome to try to make her think about other things, other people. But it didn’t work and I got really mad at her and we had this big argument. I said a lot of really nasty things to her and about you, about how I couldn’t understand how she could feel the way she did about you after you tried to, you know?”

“Tried to rape her, is that what you mean?” Spike said quietly as he looked Dawn in the eyes. “I did, you know, try to rape her. If she hadn’t stopped me I would have raped her, there’s no doubt about that at all. You had every right, you still do, to hate me for what I tried to do.”

“NOOOO” Dawn whined. “You still don’t understand. Buffy told me everything, the truth, all of it. She told me every detail of every moment the two of you spent together. She told me what she did to you, how she hurt you over and over again. She told me how she felt about herself, how much she hated herself. Hated herself for hurting you, hated herself for using you to make her feel alive, hated herself for her feelings about you and keeping everything a secret. She told me that when you realized what you had almost done to her, she saw it in your eyes that you were horrified, but she said things to you that hurt you even more. And then you were gone, and she couldn’t tell you she was sorry or that she didn’t blame you for what happened.”

Spike sat holding Dawn not knowing what to say or how to respond to any of the things she had just said. Hearing that Buffy had told Dawn about their ‘relationship’ was a shock. Hearing that she had forgiven him for something he had never been able to forgive himself for was even more of a shock.

“When you came back to Sunnydale, with your soul and all crazy like, Buffy didn’t know how to tell you she was sorry. She didn’t want to go back to where the two of you had been before, but she didn’t know how to go anywhere else either. At first, with you being all crazy like, she was afraid she would just hurt you more and make you crazier. Then with the First taking control of you and making you kill again, she didn’t know what to do. But when you fought against the First and refused to kill her, she saw the truth about you and your soul. She trusted you Spike, more than anyone else she trusted you. She believed in you, to be a good man, to be a hero, to cover her back. With everything going wrong, with the First, with the Counsel being destroyed, with the potentials, the uber-vamps, school, the preacher, Robin, Giles, Faith, Angel, everything just kept piling up and she couldn’t say what she wanted to say to you. When we all turned against her, you were the only one who didn’t. You were the only one who stood at her side when things were at their very worst. She knew then how she felt about you, but with everything so desperate she was afraid to tell you. She told me she tried several times, but just couldn’t get the words out right. She told me how it was you who held her at night and gave her the strength she needed to go on. She even told me that at the very end, when she finally did tell you that she loved you, you didn’t believe her, and after that it was to late, you were gone. But she was telling you the truth Spike, she did love you then, and she still loves you now.”

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