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Warning: Major Angst Alert. For some, tissues may be needed.
Reunions / Part 24

***
Spike had been stalking the sewers and warehouses for over three hours, searching for someone or something to fight. The emotional pain he was feeling was so overwhelming that he needed to find someway to burn it out of his mind. Since his meeting with Buffy he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about what she had said to him, or what he had said to her. He was determined to stay away until all of the Watchers, Witches, Slayers, Angel, the whole bloody lot of them, and Buffy, were gone. He knew he couldn’t face Buffy again, not without falling apart completely.

He was also determined to relocate himself and all of his kids to a new location. This time he would make sure that they were never found again. But when he suddenly felt the strong urgent call from Joy, as if she were in pain or danger, he froze in his tracks and all thoughts of running away and hiding vanished from his thoughts. He cursed himself for leaving her alone, without his protection, and started running back through the sewers to their hidden home as quickly as possible.

When he entered the basement hallways of the warehouse where he and his children lived the first thing he noticed was that there were no lookouts to guard the way. He couldn’t feel the presents of any of his children, or anyone else either. The only thing he could feel was the distress call of Joy pounding in his head and his heart. As he ran toward the hidden room that he and all his children used as a living area his panic rose higher and higher. What happened to his children? Where are all the slayers and witches? What the bloody hell was going on?

As he ran down the final hall toward the large room where he and all his children lived he could feel Joys call of distress coming from inside. When he crashed through the open doorway in a near panic he was surprised to find both Dawn and Joy standing together in the middle of the room holding each others hands. He could still feel the distress emanating off of Joy like a beacon, but he could also see that she was unharmed and wasn’t in any danger. He didn’t know what was going on. He was confused about where all the other children were and why he couldn’t detect them. Why he couldn’t detect that Dawn was in the room with Joy.

His first thought was to grab up Joy and run off with her to safety and figure the rest out later. His second and more overwhelming thought, after seeing Dawn, was to turn away and run. To go find some other place to hide, to be alone. But as he turned and headed back toward the doorway Dawn called out, her voice so full of pain and loss it tore his heart “Spike. Please Spike, don’t leave me” and it stopped him in his tracks.

Dawn saw Spike stop and as he stood there his shoulders drooped with his arms hanging limply at his sides, his head bent low, his whole body seemed to be shaking. As she walked up behind him, still holding little Joys hand, she could hear him gasping to draw air into his lungs between sobs. Seeing him crying like this broke Dawns heart, but she needed him to talk to her, to explain. When she put her hand on his shoulder, trying to get him to turn to face her, he flinched and resisted being turned. Keeping her hand on his shoulder she walked herself around him until she was in front of him. His head was still bent low and she could only see the top of his head. Looking down she could see his tears splashing in the dust on the floor.

Dawn moved her hand from Spikes shoulder and tried to touch the side of his face, to sooth him, to make him look up at her. At the first slightest touch he turned his head away and tried to turn his back to her again. The tears that Dawn had been trying to hold back for hours couldn’t be contained any longer. The pain in her heart was more than she could bear. Letting loose of Joys hand she fell to her knees and bringing her hands up to cover her face she started crying. As she slumped over the sobs that wracked her body seemed as if they would tear her apart.

At first, Spikes tears and his own heart felt pain prevented him from realizing what was happening. But once he understood that it was Dawn who was crying on the floor in front of him he fell to his own knees and reaching out pulled her up from the floor and into his arms. For long minutes he held her, rocking back and forth as he tried to soother and ease her pain. The memories of all the times he had held her after Buffys death on the tower came back to him in a rush. It was like she was his ‘Little Bit’ again and he needed to be strong again, to protect her from the loss and the pain, again. As he rocked, one hand on her back holding her tightly against his chest, the other hand moved up and down as he stroked her head and back, making little sounds that meant nothing but had always seemed to calm her down in the past.

When he first tried to speak his voice was more of a hoarse rasp than soothing whisper, but as he continued to speak it smoothed out. “Shhh, shhh, it’s okay luv, I’m here, I’ve got you, it’s okay, won’t let anything hurt you luv, I’ve got you, it’s okay, shhh, shhh, don’t need to cry no more, I’m here, I’ve got you”. Over and over he repeated these words, or others that were similar, until at last Dawn had herself back under some control again. There were still tears flowing from her eyes but the great sobs that had wracked her body had subsided. She had wrapped her arms around his waist and had buried her face in his chest. He held her and kissed the top of her head, stroked her head and back, made little noises and spoke soothing word of love and assurance.

When Dawn was finally able to raise her head up from Spikes chest and look into his eyes she could see the tear streaks on his face. She could tell that he was holding back his own tears in order to be of help to her. Gently with his fingers and thumb he wiped away the tear streaks on her face, and just as gently she raised one hand and wiped the streaks from his. She raised herself up in his arms and kissed the side of his face, wrapped her arm around his neck to hold him even tighter and told him with the fullness of her heart “I love you Spike. Please don’t leave me again.” Spike buried his face in her shoulder and as his tears soaked through her t-shirt she made soothing sounds as she stroked the back of his head and neck and placed little kisses of love to the side of his face.

It took several more minutes before the two of them were both back under enough control of themselves that they could look at each other again without crying. Spike was the first to move as he raised both hands to frame Dawns face and leaning forward placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. “God Bit, I’ve turned into such a bloody wanker haven’t I.”

Dawn smiled at Spike and leaning into him kissed him on the cheek. “I’ll never tell. You’ll always be my Big Bad, promise.”

After another couple of minutes of holding each other tightly they both leaned back from each other a little and took deep breaths to get themselves under control. Spike didn’t know what to say to Dawn, especially after what had happened earlier that night, so he just held onto her letting her know he was there for her. Dawn could see and feel that Spike wouldn’t be the first to speak. She screwed up her courage and asked him the question she had to ask, to get the answer she had to have, to understand.

“Spike, why did you tell Buffy she didn’t love you?” Dawn asked quietly as she looked into his eyes. As she watched his face and his eyes she could see that he was trying desperately to hold back a river of tears and a Hellmouth of pain.

Almost choking on the words, Spike gasped out “Cause she doesn’t Bit. I know.”

“I don’t understand Spike. We all heard her say she loves you. How can you say you know she doesn’t? Don‘t you love her anymore?” Dawn asked with a strong note of pain in her own voice.

“Course I still love her” Spike gasped out, his voice raw with emotion. “But she doesn’t love me. Don’t know why she said she did. I know the truth of it though. She doesn’t love me cause she can’t.”

Saying these words to Dawn was becoming more and more painful to Spike and he released his hold on her and started trying to move away from her. Dawn feeling him moving away held on to him even tighter. Her own distress level started shooting up again and she knew that if she let him go she would never get an answer that made any sense to her or anyone else.

It was at that moment that Joy, who had been standing to the side during all these long minutes of crying and holding, stepped up to them and place a hand on each of their shoulders. A tingling sensation seemed to pass through both of them and their emotional distress lessened greatly. When they both turned their faces toward her, Joy spoke into Spikes mind. *Father, you have to tell her the truth. You have to explain it to her.*

Within his mind Spike spoke back to Joy, *I can’t Luv. It would hurt her to much.*

*But you have to Father. Not understanding is breaking her heart* Joy mind spoke in reply.

*Couldn’t you tell her, you know what I know* Spike almost pleaded.

*I could tell her Father, but she won’t understand or believe unless you tell her. You are one of the two people she loves most in the world. I know you plan for all of us to go into hiding where none of them can find us again. But she will search for you Father. She will. She’ll search every sewer and warehouse and abandoned building in the city looking for you. She’ll do it alone if she has to. She’ll put herself in danger, risk her life to find you again. You have to tell her what she needs to know, all of it, so she will understand and be able to except it. If you love her Father, you have to tell her.*

As Dawn watched Spikes face and then Joys she could tell they were talking to each other inside their minds. She could pick up words, or thoughts, in bits and pieces, but not enough. But she could tell that Joy was urging Spike to tell her something. As she watched tears started running down Spikes face again and he bent his head so that the tears dripped down on their clasped hands.

“If I tell you Luv, you have to promise not to tell anyone else, especially Buffy. You can’t tell her what I know, it would hurt her to much” Spike said as the tears continued to run down his face and drip onto their hands. He then lifted his head so that he was looking into Dawns eyes when he continued. “I don’t think she knows the truth herself Luv, or if she does she’s buried it so deep she can’t find it. But you have to promise not to tell her Bit, I couldn’t bear for her to have to face that much pain all alone.”

Tears started running down from Dawns eyes too, partly from seeing the pain in Spikes eyes and partly from the fear his pain was instilling in her heart. But she had to know what Spike knew, whatever the truth was that he thought he knew about, she had to understand. She had to understand how Spike could say he still loved Buffy but deny that she loved him with such certainty. “I promise Spike. I promise I won’t tell anyone” Dawn choked out. “But you have to tell me everything, I have to understand.”

Spike let go of Dawns hands and raised his own hands to his face and scrubbed away his tears. He shook his head several times and raked his fingers through his hair, took several deep breaths and shook his shoulders. All of these moves were attempts to get himself back under control so that he could talk to Dawn without crying again. Finally he dug into one of his pockets and pulled out his cigarettes and lighter and lit one up. He moved himself around on the floor until he was sitting next to Dawn with his legs out in front of himself. Dawn repositioned herself so that she was sitting in a similar way facing toward him. Spike then leaned back a little using one arm and hand to brace himself up, drew up one leg and rested the forearm of the hand that was holding the cigarette on his knee. He sat like that for a minute or more, looking down at the floor instead of directly at Dawn, taking an occasional drag off his cigarette, thinking about where to start.

“It probably started when she was first chosen to be the Slayer, The Chosen One. Think about it Bit, fifteen and normal one day and the next she’s fighting vampires for her life and trying to save the world. That bloody wanker of a Watcher she got doesn’t even find her until ‘after’ she’s been chosen. No training before hand, no time as a potential, no way to be ready for what was coming. Then the stupid git gets himself killed and leaves her out there all alone. Loses her friends, gets kicked out of school, family breaks up, and you know her Bit, you know she blamed herself for all of it. Just like she always does, blames herself for everything and tries to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders.”

Spike was getting agitated and lit up another cigarette to calm down before he continued.
“But with her Watcher dead and no one to tell her what to do, she thinks she’s off the hook. Thinks she can go back and be a normal girl again. But your mum moves you all to Sunnydale, home of the Hellmouth. You’ll never convince me otherwise that the bloody Watchers didn’t have something to do with your mums choice of where to move to live. Probably pulled some strings so that she got that job at the art gallery and made sure she found a house she could afford. Anyway, she thinks she’s going to be normal again and the first thing that happens is she finds out she’s got a new bloody Watcher waiting for her and he’s an even bigger ponce than the first one. All that crap about sacred duty and saving the world. He knew more than anyone else that she probably wasn’t going to live out the year. Bloody hell, she didn’t live out her first year. The bloody fucking Master killed her. But Buffy, she don’t give up, not that girl, she comes back to life and kicks the Masters bloody arse good and proper.”

Spike had been smiling when he talked about Buffy refusing to die and coming back to destroy the Master. It was like he was proud of her. But then he started frowning again.
“But anyway, that’s where the real problem started, that first year in Sunnyhell. Cause Angel, tall, dark and broody shows up and she falls in love with him. Talk about messing somebody’s head up, vampire slayer falling in love with a vampire.” The bitterness that Spike was feeling was apparent in his voice. “But he’s a good vampire cause he’s got a soul, he’s sorry that he murdered thousands of people, he feels guilty about it. What a bloody pile of horse shit that was, vampire with a soul is good, vampire without a soul is bad. He never did tell her it was all about choice, now did he. Never did tell her that a vampire wasn’t just a crazy killing machine, that they could make choices, if they wanted to, if they had a reason.” Spikes tone of voice had changed from bitterness to a forlorn sadness.

Spike was getting agitated again and jumped up to his feet and started pacing back and forth in front of Dawn, his voice had started to rise and Dawn could feel the anger inside him. “Anyway, back to Angel and Buffy. Buffy loves Angel and Angel loves Buffy, but the stupid git puts her up on a pedestal. He bloody fucking worships her, Bit. She’s his salvation, his guiding light to redemption. Not that I can fault him for loving her. But he made her a princess in a snow white dress and she loved him for it. I mean what girl wouldn’t love it. Isn’t that the dream of every girl, to be a princess for the man she loves. So to prove her love she gives him her most precious gift, herself.”

Spikes agitation was growing stronger and stronger. As he paced in front of Dawn he was making grand gestures with his arms and hands to emphasize his thoughts and feelings. “Bloody fucking hell! One moment of pure happiness and the bloody fucking curse kicks in and Angelus pops out of the box.” Spike dropped down to his knees in front of Dawn and she could feel the pain inside of him. “What kind of curse is that Bit? Makes you all remorseful and full of guilt for a hundred years, then as soon as you find happiness it turns you back into a monster without remorse? A curse like that doesn’t make sense.”

Spike had jumped back to his feet and was pacing and gesturing again. “It just doesn’t make sense. Angel full of remorse and all broody, eating rats and crying his eyes out for a hundred years, that makes sense. But turning him back into Angelus, a crazy monster, that doesn’t make any sense at all, and he was crazy, Bit. He came back a total sack of hammers, crazier than he ever was before, crazier even than Dru. Locking his demon up inside of him for a hundred years didn’t destroy the demon, it just made it crazier than it ever was before. Angelus had always been crazy, in a sadistic viscous kind of way, but he’d always been pretty much of a coward too. He never went after someone who was strong or could defend themselves. He always went after the weak and the helpless. He never fought anyone he couldn’t beat easily, unless he got cornered and didn’t have a choice. But when he became Angelus again, this time he wanted to destroy the whole bleeding world. He wanted to make sure that no one could ever stuff his soul back inside of him again.”

Spike stopped his pacing suddenly and looked down at Dawn. Fresh tears were running down his face. “But Buffy, she didn’t blame Angel for not telling her about the curse. She didn’t even blame the curse for what happened. She blamed herself, for everything. Angelus said something to her or did something to her, I don’t know what it was exactly, but it made her blame herself for everything that happened. I know they fought a few times and she didn’t kill him. She was still in love with the bloody wanker, she couldn’t do it. When he started terrorizing her friends and killed some of them, she blamed herself for that too. Ripped herself apart she did, blamed herself for everything that happened, never once blamed Angel for any of it.”

Spike dropped to his knees again, tears were running freely down his face as he looked into Dawn eyes. “This is where it all went bad, Luv. You know about me and her teaming up to stop Angelus. It wasn’t like I was trying to do something good back then, I just didn’t want the world to end. But Angelus pulled the sword out of Acathla and Buffy had to fight him. When I left with Dru I was certain sure Angelus had beaten her, but she came back again and kicked his ass. I kind of blame Red for what happened next though. Buffy had steeled herself up to face and kill Angelus, and she was just about ready to do it when Red put his soul back inside of him. There he was again, all soulful and crying, Angel was back, the love of her life. But it was to late, Angelus had opened the portal in Acathla. The only way to seal it back up was to stab Angel with the sword and send him to hell. She did it too, but it broke her heart into pieces.”

As Spike knelt there in front of Dawn crying, it didn’t seem as if he would be able to continue talking. Dawn wanted to reach out to him, to do something to ease his pain, to sooth him in some small way. But she knew that if she did, if she even tried, he might not be able to finish his story and tell her what she needed to know. At that moment of indecision Joy stepped up to Spike again and stroked her little hand over his bent head. When he looked up at her she smiled at him and lifting her other hand she held out a full bottle of tequila. Spike started to refuse the bottle, but Joy looked him in his eyes, nodded her head and offered him the bottle again. Spike took the bottle with a trembling hand and raised it to his lips. He tilted his head back and the bottle up and started taking long deep swallows. When the bottle was half empty he finally lowered it and let a long sad sigh out. Setting the bottle down on the floor he searched through his pockets until he found his cigarettes again and lit one up. After taking a couple of long deep drags off of his cigarette he finally seemed to have himself back under control again.

“You know what happened then, she ran away from home, fought her way out of a hell dimension, came back home to try to start over. But she wasn’t the same after she came back, not really. You see, Angel turning into Angelus cracked her heart, but having to send him to hell broke it. The only way she could survive the pain was to wrap her heart up in cotton and lock it away in a steel box inside herself. Maybe, in time, her heart might have healed, she might have been able to let herself love someone else, I don’t know. But it didn’t work out that way, Angel came back. The bloody Powers That Be had a mission for him, a purpose for his return, and Buffy got caught up in the middle of it. A lot happened that year, Angel coming back, her Watcher stealing her powers and betraying her, Faith coming to town and going bad, a new Watcher being assigned to take over watching her, the Mayor and the whole ascension thing. It was all a bloody mess. But the worst part of it all was that the bloody fucking poof left her, he ran away. He told her this bloody fucking fairy tale about him doing it for her own good so that she could have a normal life and find someone normal to love. God, I hate him more for that than for anything else he ever did to her. He didn‘t leave her for her own good, the bloody fucking coward left because he was afraid he would lose his soul again. He knew he didn‘t have the strength to love her and not touch her, so he left, and she blamed herself, again.”

Spike reached out and picked up the bottle of tequila and took a large swallow, then lit up another cigarette. “She always did that, blamed herself. When Angel left town, left her behind, her heart shattered. This time she couldn’t put the pieces back together and wrap them up to heal. This time she just poured the broken pieces into a steel box and sealed it up for good. That’s when it happened Bit, that’s when her heart died and she couldn’t ever love anyone else again.”

Hearing Spike say that Buffy’s heart had died and that she couldn’t ever love anyone else again sent a searing pain through Dawns heart. It flashed through her mind that even though she was aware of most of the story he had been telling her as if it were a memory. She also realized that she hadn’t even been real at that time, that the monks hadn’t even created her yet. A gasp of pain escaped from her lips and tears ran from her eyes. The thought that Buffy had never loved her, couldn’t love her was more than she could bear.

Spike, hearing the gasp of pain from Dawn scooted forward on his knees and took her into his arms. “No, no, pet, don’t think that, don’t think she doesn’t love you. She dose, with all her heart. It’s just new people she can’t love. You see, she still loved your mum, and the monks gave her memories of you, a whole lifetime of memories, so she loved you too. She still loved her Watcher and her friends. In fact, I think she loved all of you more than ever, cause she knew how to love all of you, from before. It was just after that she couldn’t love anyone new.”

When Dawn raised her head from crying against his chest he could see the question in her eyes. “Yeah, I know, your thinking about that Riley bloke. But she didn’t really love him Luv. Not like she loved Angel, or you, or her mum, or her friends. Not like that at all. I’m not saying anything bad against Buffy, really I’m not. But I think she was just trying to find someone normal to have in her life. Sort of what Angel had said she should do. Find a normal guy and have a normal life. Only problem was, Buffys not normal, she’s the bloody Slayer, she can’t have a normal life, not really. It also turned out that the bloke was anything but normal, at least ways most people would look at normal. Also, don’t forget, I was in the middle of the bloody mess myself. The whole Initiative thing and me getting the chip put into my head. I was still evil then you know, the Big Bad, but I couldn’t bite no more. You know at first I blamed her for what happened to me, the chip an all. I couldn’t bite people anymore, but I was still evil and I did things to hurt your sis and her friends. I was all messed up, needing Buffy to protect me from the soldier boys and get me blood to feed. But hating her because I needed her and felt helpless. It was only after I found out that I could still fight and kill demons that I got to feeling better about myself. Course I was still evil then too and I was still trying to find ways to hurt big sis and her friends. But, it’s kind of funny or strange anyway, all the things I did, all the times Buffy should have just dusted me and didn’t, cause I couldn’t fight back. I never understood why, why she didn’t just do it, just dust me.”

Dawn had stopped crying again and Spike moved back from her a little bit so he could light up another cigarette and not be blowing the smoke into her face. “It was back then, after the Initiative was put out of business, but before Flynn left town that it happened to me. The worse day of my life and the best, I woke up from a dream and I realized that I had fallen in love with the Slayer. Do you have any idea what that was like for me Bit? To find out that I was in love with the woman that all vampires fear and hate. To have her on my mind all the time. To want to be near her and knowing that she thought of me as a monster and hated what I was. You know, I’d been a vampire about a hundred and twenty years back then, and I was evil and proud of it too. But I figured it out that unless I was good Buffy wouldn’t ever trust me to be near her. It’s not like I ever really thought that Buffy could ever love me. But the way I felt about her, I had to find a way to be near her. But, you know, it’s not like I really knew how to be good. So, a little at a time, sort of trial an error I guess, I tried to do things for her. I’d give her information about vampire nests or demons getting out of hand. I’d go with her on patrol sometimes and cover her back. But no matter what I did, the good stuff I mean, it didn’t seem to matter. But let me do something wrong, even if I didn’t really intend it that way, she’d be all over me and threatening to dust me. You know, like when I led her to Flynn at that vampire nest and let her see him being fed off of by vamp whores. I thought I was doing the right thing, letting her know what he was doing. But instead she got mad at me about it. When he left town after that, you know what the bloody ass did, he blamed her for it. He blamed her for him going to vamp whores to get suck jobs. He told her they needed him and she didn’t, that’s why he did it. You know what else happened, she did, she blamed herself.”

Spike sat for a few moments thinking, staring down at the floor, then looked up at Dawns eyes that were focused on him. “Back then, that’s when the real changes were going on in me, trying to be good. See, I didn’t really know how to do it, so every time I did something I tried to figure out if Buffy would approve or not. I didn’t have a soul of my own, so I sort of made her my soul, or conscience anyway. Course I still messed up a lot, but I was trying. I was making choices not to do bad things and making choices to do good things, but it was hard. I was also trying to get her and her Scooby friends to admit that I was trying to do good things, but that never happened. Especially after I messed up and told Buffy that I loved her. The things she said to me Bit, she had no idea how much they hurt. Or maybe she did and it didn’t really matter to her. But it did matter to me, so I tried to stay away from her. That’s when I got the BuffyBot and that was a disaster. Then the whole thing with Glory heated up and everyone found out about you being the Key an all. This may sound really strange to you Luv, but having Buffy bring you and your mum to me for protection was one of the grandest things that had ever happened to me. I knew she didn’t love me, I don’t think she even liked me, but she trusted me to protect you. That was really something. Course getting to know you and your mum better was sort of icing on the cake. It was then that I figured something else out. I knew I was in love with Buffy, even though she told me it wasn’t possible for a soulless vampire to love anyone. But somehow, someway, I found out that I loved you and your mum too. At first I just kind of shrugged it off thinking that it wasn’t really love, that I was just really trying to please Buffy. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that it really was you and your mum that I loved, and not just to please Buffy. I really did care about you.”

A smile had spread over Spikes face as he revealed his early thoughts of love for Dawn and her mother and how important that had been to him. Dawn leaned forward and took one of Spikes hands into one of hers. “I really loved you too Spike. You were my only friend. The only one who tried to understand what I was feeling and how scared I was all the time. Mom liked you too, a lot I think. We’d talk about you sometimes when Buffy wasn’t around, cause there was no way she’d let us talk about you when she was around.”

“You know, when your mum died, as soon as I found out I came to your house. I’d brought some flowers, I wanted you and Buffy to know I was sorry for your loss. Cause I liked your mum and I was going to miss her. But that wanker Harris, he stopped me and claimed I was just trying to score points with Buffy. I got real mad and stormed off and never got the chance to say what I wanted to say to you. But Harris was probably right, anything I would have said wouldn’t have been believed, not by Buffy anyway. But I always thought that you would have believed me Bit, I always did.”

Spike let go of Dawns hand and picked up the bottle of tequila and took another drink, and then another. He lit up a cigarette and smoked it quietly for a minute or so without saying anything. When he finally looked up a Dawn again she could see the pain that was in his eyes. “After Buffy died, that whole summer, there wasn’t a day went by that I didn’t think about waiting for the sun to come up and turning myself to dust. But I’d made her a promise to take care of you and protect you. I failed you, and Buffy, up on the tower. It should have been me that died, not her. But I’d made the promise and everyday I had to remind myself that you still needed me. It was hard, going on, living with her gone. I did love you Bit, I truly did, but it was hard. Then the witch brought her back and things changed. At first, she needed me cause she was so lost. I was the only one she told about being pulled out of heaven. She told me everything, how everyday was like living in hell for her. I patrolled with her and protected her. I had to cause she didn’t seem to care about herself anymore. I was still crazy in love with her and I told her so. I made some big mistakes then. I wanted her to love me the way I loved her and I said things to her I shouldn’t have ever said. But she had me all confused and crazy. One day she would be nice to me and the next she was ready to stake me. One day she would kiss me and the next she couldn’t stand the sight of me. It was one of those times, she’d hit me and I was so angry I hit her back and the chip didn’t go off.”

Spike stopped talking and upended the bottle of tequila and finished it off. He kept looking away from Dawn as if he was afraid to go on with his story. But Dawn reached out and took his hand again and gave it a squeeze. “I know about that year Spike” Dawn told him gently. “At least most of it. Buffy told me a lot of things after you died in the Hellmouth. She was grieving for you for months and she needed for me to understand what had happened between the two of you. She didn’t want me to stay mad at you after you died. It really hurt her that I was still mad at you, so she explained it to me. I just wished she’d told me earlier, so I could have told you I was sorry.”

Tears were running down Spikes cheeks again as he looked into Dawns eyes. He gave her hand a squeeze. In a raspy choked voice he told her “You don’t have anything to be sorry about Luv. I did what I did. I told her I loved her and then I hurt her. I tried to rape her to prove that I loved her. How pitiful can a person get.” Spike cleared his throat and then continued. “I didn’t go there to hurt her. That’s God’s truth! I just wanted to tell her I was sorry. That thing with Anya, that wasn’t love or anything close to it. It was just two people, or maybe it was just two monsters, I don’t know, but we were both in so much pain. I think we were trying to prove to ourselves that we were alive or something. That somehow we mattered. But Buffy wouldn’t let me explain and I guess I went crazy or something and I tried to force her to love me. When she stopped me and I realized what I had tried to do, that I had hurt her, I couldn’t stand myself. That’s when I left, that’s why I left. Do you know, it’s really sad when you let someone hurt you because you love them. I’d been letting Buffy do that to me for months, hoping that she would learn to love me. But it’s even sadder when you hurt someone you say you love. I’d been telling Buffy for months that I loved her and that I wouldn’t hurt her, that she could trust me. If the whole thing didn’t make me so sick I’d laugh at the irony of it all.”

Spike had let go of Dawns hand while he had been telling her this last part. It was as if he was afraid that she would throw off his touch if he had tried to continue to hold her hand. He couldn’t look up at her anymore, he couldn’t face his certainty that she hated him again for what he had tried to do to Buffy. As he sat there staring down at the floor, Joy walked up to him and offered him another bottle of tequila to drink. When she put her hand on his bent head he could feel himself calming down again. When he finally lifted his head again to look at Dawn, instead of seeing hatred in her eyes he saw understanding and love. It almost broke his heart.

Spike took another drink before he continued. “You know, when she came back everyone noticed she was different, but they didn’t know why. After she told me about heaven, I sort of thought I understood. At first I thought she was just depressed or something and I tried to do things to make her feel better. When she started being careless when she patrolled, like she didn’t care if she won the fight or not, I got scared that she was trying to get herself killed so she could go back to heaven. I started doing extra patrolling, taking out move vamps and demons than she was, trying to thin out the herd sort of, so she wouldn’t have so many to face herself. But it was like the more I tried to do for her the more she hated me. When we started doing the sex thing. It wasn’t love, Bit, not for Buffy anyway, things got even worse. She’d come to me for sex, to make her feel something. But if I tried to show her I loved her, she’d beat me into the ground. I’m trying to be honest here, Bit, I wanted the sex with Buffy cause she made me feel more alive than I had ever dreamed possible. But after the sex, after she got what she wanted, she’d destroy me and take it all away. And see here, this is where I got really messed up in my head. I’d been trying real hard to be good, which wasn’t always easy, and Buffy was sort of the way I tried to figure out what was good and what was bad. So I ended up saying and doing things with her that if I’d had a chance to change them I would have. Because it was only later that I could see that they were bad things for her to be doing. But then something happened and it all started to fall into place. I’d been thinking she hated me, but it wasn’t me she hated at all, it was herself. One night she beat me so bad I was all broke inside and couldn’t move, and she just walked away, left me for the sun to come up. That’s when I figured it out, she didn’t really feel anything for me. She didn’t love me, she didn’t hate me, she didn’t care one way or the other, or at all.”

The look in Spikes eyes were lost and empty as if he’d been staring at the torments of hell. “I’ll finish this up soon Bit” Spike said quietly in a lost empty kind of voice. “I didn’t really mean to take this long, but Joy told me I had to tell you everything or you wouldn’t understand the truth of what I’m going to tell you next. You know that when I came back to Sunnydale I was a total sack of hammers. I was even crazier than Dru for awhile. But even crazy I was still in love with Buffy. I couldn’t stop that or change it, but I knew she had a right to hate me and I think I wanted her to kill me. I think I thought she had a right to be the one to do it. But when she found me down in the school basement she didn’t do it. I guess it was pity or something at first. Harmless crazy vampire, screaming himself hoarse, talking to ghost, beating his head against a wall, trying to claw his own heart out. But maybe it wasn’t pity, maybe she thought I was getting what I deserved. Did she ever tell you what happened when she found out I had a soul. I was still pretty crazy then and I draped myself over a cross, because the pain of burning on a cross was nothing to the pain I was feeling in my heart and in my soul. But finding out I had a soul made a difference to her. It didn’t make her like me or love me or anything like that, it just made her sorry for me.”

Spike took a drink of the tequila and lit up another cigarette before he continued. “Yeah, she pulled me off that cross before I burst into flame and hauled me over to that wanker Harris’s place. Convinced him to take me in for awhile, cause I had a soul now, plus the chip. Don’t know why he did it though, as much as he hated me he’d probably enjoy knowing I was down in a basement chasing rats or burning on a cross. Course that was before they found out that the First was pulling my strings and could make me kill without setting off the chip. Then when the truth came out and I took Buffy to where I’d been stashing all the bodies I’d been killing, they all came out at once and the First set me off again. The First wanted me to kill Buffy, but I wouldn’t do it. She told me after that happened that she believed in me. That I could be a good man. But you see she was saying that and thinking that because I had a soul that’s why I didn’t kill her, but the soul didn’t have anything to do with it. It wasn’t my soul that stopped me from killing Buffy, it was me. I refused to hurt her, not my soul, I made a choice. When the First took me prisoner and bled me out to open the seal to let out a Turok-Han, they did a lot of torturing to try to get me back on track. The First wanted me for something down the line and they needed to be able to control me. After Buffy rescued me, she thought it was my soul that had made it possible for me to refuse the First. But it wasn’t my soul, it was me, making a choice. I refused to betray her, not my soul. Then later, when Woods and the Watcher tried to murder me, she thought it was my soul that stopped me from killing Woods, but it wasn’t. It was me making a choice. It was me choosing not to kill. She never could understand that, everything had to be caused by my bloody soul, she never gave me any credit for making my own choices, my own decisions.”

Spike took another long drink and lit up another cigarette. He had nearly been chain smoking through most of his story, except when he was crying or to upset to even hold a cigarette. “That night, there at the end, when all of you made Buffy leave, I went out and found her. I told her then that I loved her, but I didn’t expect her to love me back. I told her I didn’t expect anything from her at all. I just loved her because of who she was and what she did, how she always kept trying to do the right thing. I was going to leave her then, come back for her in the morning, but she asked me to stay, and hold her. I knew she didn’t want anything more than that. She was just feeling lost and alone, needing a little comfort. The next night when I saw her, after she had taken the scythe away from Caleb, I told her that it had been the best night of my life. She told me that she’d been there with me, but I didn’t really understand what she meant. When I asked her what she meant, she flipped it off and asked if it had to mean anything. I can’t even describe to you how much that hurt Bit, having her just flip it off like that.”

Spike started to take another drink then stopped and sighed instead. “Later that night she met up with Caleb again, I’d followed her in case she needed any help. I didn’t let her know I was there, I just wanted to be there in case she needed me. Buffy and Caleb were fighting when I smelled Angel. I knew he could smell me to, both vampires an all, but I didn’t come out of hiding. Caleb almost had Buffy and I was just about to come out to help her when Angel stepped in and helped her. After she beat Caleb the first thing she did was kiss him. That’s when I knew for certain that she could never love me, cause she still loved Angel. I heard him tell her about the amulet and that it was dangerous. He told her that he was going to wear it and fight at her side. But she told him no, she wanted him to leave. The First showed up then and started talking in my ear, still wanted me to change sides. I left then and the First followed after me, trying to convince me that I should fight for evil. But I knew I couldn’t do that, I knew I would fight for Buffy. When she finally came back home she came down to see me. I’d already made up my mind to ask her for the amulet. I was afraid that she would try to wear it herself, but I’d heard Angel tell her that it wasn’t for her to wear, that it had to be someone more than human but with a soul. With Angel gone I figured it would have to be me, but she told me that Angel had told her it had to be worn by a Champion. I didn’t know what to say then, so when she handed it to me, I promised myself that I would be her Champion. She stayed with me that night, letting me hold her again. You know about the First coming to her that night and trying to convince her that she couldn’t win. But somehow she figured out that the scythe could be used to give the powers of the Slayer to all the potentials and make them all Slayers.”

Spike finally took another drink of the tequila and looked Dawn in the eyes as he finished his story. “That final night she came to me again, to let me hold her. I was happy to do it. If holding her gave her just a little more confidence, a little more strength for the next day, I was more than willing to hold her all night. But things were different that night. I’d been holding her for about an hour when she turned in my arms and kissed me. I can’t tell you how that made me feel. Kisses led to touches and touches led to us undressing each other and making love. It really was making love this time Bit, at least it was for me. All the times we had ever had sex before and none of them were anything like what we did that night. For the first time I let myself think that she loved me and wanted me. But as I was holding her I looked into her eyes and I saw she had tears in them. They weren’t tears of love or joy or anything like that, they were tears of pain. Buffy had given me my final wish, to let me love her, cause she knew I was going to die. When Angel gave her the amulet she figured it out right away that whoever wore it was probably going to die. So she made a choice. She sent Angel back to L.A. to be safe and she chose me to die. I didn’t blame her for that Bit, I honestly didn’t blame her at all. I’d already made up my mind that I would be her Champion and die for her if I needed too. I’d made my choice too, you see. It wasn’t my soul or any of that Angel crap about redemption. I fully expected to die and spend the rest of eternity burning in hell. But it was my choice, mine. When the battle was going and the amulet kicked in and started dusting all the Turok-Han I could feel it burning me up inside. That’s when Buffy came up to me and said we needed to escape, but I already knew it was to late for me. She took my hand and they both burst into flame, I don’t know why that happened cause it didn’t hurt or anything. But then she said ‘I love you’ and I told her ‘No you don’t, but thanks for saying it’. Cause you see Bit, I knew she didn’t mean it. I don’t know why she said it, maybe out of guilt or sorrow or maybe even pity, but I knew she didn’t mean it. Because if she had meant it she would have said it the night before when it would have meant something. But she didn’t say a single word the whole time we made love and held each other, not a word, not even my name.”

When Spike finished talking Dawn bent over with her arms wrapped around herself and started crying with great heaving sobs. Her whole body was shaking and Spike felt a lance of pain through his chest. It hurt him to have made Dawn cry this way, but he had promised to tell her the truth so that she could understand why he had denied that Buffy loved him. He hadn’t understood why Buffy had come back to L.A. after all these years and he certainly hadn’t understood why she had told him she loved him in front of all the Slayers and her Watcher and Angel. But Spike couldn’t live with lies anymore. Even ones he wished were true. He moved forward on his knees and wrapped his arms around Dawn again and tried to soothe her, to take some of the pain away and make it his own.

As Spike held Dawn in his arms he heard her saying in a tear choked whisper “It’s not true, it’s not true, I know she loves you, I know she does, she told me she does, it’s not true Spike, she wouldn’t tell me does if it wasn’t true, I know she loves you, I know she does.”

“I wish it were true Luv, I really wish it were true” Spike whispered in Dawns ear. “But I know it’s not cause she still loves Angel, and she can’t love anyone else, just like I can’t love anyone else but her. It’s what happens when your heart gets broken, all you can do is love the pieces.”

Spike was still holding Dawn, trying to sooth her, when he heard something break, like a dried stick or old bone. For the first time since entering the warehouse, searching for Joy when he thought she was in danger, he could sense the presence of other people in the warehouse. He could tell where all of his children were located and all of the slayers and watchers and witches. He could even sense Dawn now. But there was one presence that was stronger than all the others and it was coming from inside the little room that he and Joy shared. It was a presence, a tingling inside his head, that he could never forget or mistake for any other, Buffy.

Spike threw himself away from Dawn and scrambled backward in shock. As he watched the blanket that covered the doorway to his little room was pulled to one side and Buffy stepped out into the open for him to see. His eyes immediate focused on her face and he could see her red tear swollen eyes and the tracks of tears that were visible on her face. Her mouth was slightly open and he could see that her lips quivered as if she were holding back a scream of pain.

“Oh God! No!” Spike screamed as he looked around in panic. “Dawn! She wasn’t suppose to know!” Spikes eyes were open wide and he had a look of terror on his face. When Buffy took a step toward him Spike spun up from the floor and taking one more look at Buffy he ran from the room screaming “No! No! Noooo!”

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