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Author's Chapter Notes:
Warning: The Angst Scale for this chapter will be about 8.0. For some, that means extra tissues will be needed.
Reunions / Part 27

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When they came around the corner running hard they saw Spike sitting on the ground with his back to a truck loading bay. Fortunately for them this put Spike in a box. Kar-Hool set Joy down and moved to the left. Faith moved to the right and Buffy came up the middle. Spike was sitting with his arms crossed over his drawn up knees and had his head resting on his arms. When he became aware of the noise of running feet headed toward him it was already to late, he was in the box with no way out. He lifted his head and seeing who his opponents were he jumped to his feet and charged straight toward Kar-Hool. Spike knew Kar-Hool and knew that he was bound by his oath to never spill Spikes blood or the blood of his Clan. This made him the weakest of his opponents in this circumstance.

What Spike hadn’t counted on was Joy telling Kar-Hool that if he could get his hands on Spike and just hold on, even if some bones did get broken, it wouldn’t violate his oath. Kar-Hool wasn’t to certain of this but decided to be pragmatic and take the Child of Lights word for it. As Spike moved to his right toward Kar-Hool, Faith put on a burst of speed and cut him off on his left. He looked up at the sky and could see that it would be a couple of minutes before the sun broke over the top of the warehouse across the street. He doubted that he could last that long against the two slayers and Kar-Hool in a fight so his only hope was to break past them and get out into the open where they couldn’t catch him before the sun came up.

Spike continued his rush toward Kar-Hool which caused him to stop with his arms spread wide, then cut back quickly toward Faith. Faith slowed down and moved toward him more cautiously. This opened the spread between Faith and Kar-Hool and only put Buffy in front of him. He spun on the ball of one foot and rushed to the left of Buffy which he knew was her off side. As he started past her he felt Buffys fingers touch his left arm, but instead of trying to grab him like he expected she pushed against him and forced him toward Kar-Hool. In just a second Kar-Hool made a dive to the ground and had one hand firmly wrapped around Spikes right ankle and leg. It was like having a six hundred pound weight pinning him in one place and he couldn’t move. Before he could do anything else Faith hit him from behind stunning him and half a second later Buffy buried her fist in his stomach. If Spike had needed to breath Buffys punch to the stomach would have knocked all the air out of him, but even so the force of the punch doubled him over. He struck out to the back and caught Faith with his left foot as he tried to take a swing at Buffy. Buffy let the punch slide past her and stepped in and punched Spike hard to the jaw knocking him out cold. As Spike collapsed to the ground the first rays of light touched the ground near him.

Kar-Hool wasted no time, he grabbed Spike up like a young cub in his arms and ran toward the building across the street which kept him in the shadow and out of the sunlight. When he got to the building he kicked open a door and walked inside. It took several minutes before he found the sewer entrance and pulled up the cover. Squeezing his way through the opening he went down and waited for Buffy and Faith to lower Spikes unconscious body down to him. Once Buffy, Faith and Joy were down the ladder Kar-Hool picked Spike up and slung him across his shoulder and picked Joy up carefully in his other arm. He then led the way through the sewers until they got to a branch he recognized and then headed back to the warehouse where Spike lived. All the way back Kar-Hool kept talking to himself in a deep rumbling voice in his own language, Joy kept chirping and cooing to him, Faith followed behind with a smile on her face, and Buffy couldn’t take her eyes off of Spikes unconscious body.

***

Spike could feel her before he was fully conscious, that tingling sensation in the back of his head that was always there when she was near. He kept his eyes closed and carefully assessed his situation. His ankles were tied together, no chance of jumping to his feet and running away. His hands were tied too, with rope, but strong enough he couldn’t just snap it. He was on his back laying on something soft, what?, doesn’t matter. He could hear her heart beat, no one else was in the room. But he could hear the heart beats of others, not to far away, in case she needed help?

“Stupid vampire, I know your awake” Buffys voice said in a quiet and slightly teasing tone. “You stopped breathing when you woke up. What kind of vampire breaths in their sleep, you don’t even need to breath, and you do it in your sleep anyway.”

With his eyes still closed Spike took in a slow breath of air through his nose. He could smell her now, that special scent of her and her alone. No matter what soap or perfume she used there was always that special fragrance of sunlight and vanilla and something else that was only hers. Her heart beat had picked up a little, he could hear it, but she was breathing slow and calmly, keeping it under control. He could also tell where he was now, in his room. He could smell his cloths and bedding, he could smell the scent of Joy and her things too. But the strongest scent, the one that was overpowering all others, was the scent of Buffys arousal. *What? She’s turned on? What the bloody hell!*

Spikes eyes opened and the first thing he saw was Buffy sitting cross legged at his feet, leaning back against the wall. He just stared at her for awhile, not saying anything, just taking in everything about her. *She looks exactly the same as I remembered, as if she hadn’t aged a bit. Must be more of that glamour stuff of Reds. Didn’t think Buffy would do that kind of nonsense, but then she was always a little worried about her looks even when she knew she was gorgeous. Still to thin though, girl should put on a few pounds, look good on her. She looks really tired though, as if she hasn’t been sleeping much lately. But she’d just flown in from London or Rome or somewhere, it’s probably just jet lag, and she’s been up all night. Didn’t mean anything, she just needs to get some sleep. Her hair was a little longer than it was back in Sunnydale, no, when he saw her for that moment in Rome it had been this long, doesn’t matter, needs a wash though. Her eyes, God he could disappear into her eyes, their so beautiful. But there’s something else there, pain. Their almost like when she came back from heaven, when she was so lost and wanted to die.* This thought snapped him out of his trance like gaze, he turned his head away from her and closed his eyes.

When Spike turned his head away from her Buffys heart seemed to skip a beat. The way he had been looking at her had filled her mind with thoughts of him in the past when he would look at her with his love for her glowing in his eyes. It also reminded her of the so very many times she had refused to acknowledge that love and had rejected it in anger. A stab of pain went through her heart. What she wouldn’t give to see that love in his eyes again.

When Spike turned his head back toward Buffy her eyes were closed and she was breathing a little more quickly, her heart beat had picked up a little too. When she opened her eyes again he could see the pain in them, as if it was just under the surface, ready to pour out onto the floor. Her lips had drawn tight in a straight line, her jaws were locked, he could see the muscles twitching just under the surface. *What? Why is she acting this way? She’s holding back, not saying something. What?* The silence was becoming more than Spike could deal with, he had to break the ice. “A bit like the old days, huh Slayer?” Spike said in a sarcastic tone of voice with a slight sneer on his lips. “Jump the vampire, beat him up, drag him to his crypt and have you nasty way with him. The B&D is a bit new for you, but maybe not” he continued as he lifted his bound hands.

“Wh.. What?” Buffy stammered out in shock to his tone and attitude.

*That’s it, get her off balance, get her mad, make her hate you.* “Vampire here, remember, can smell it. Got your nether parts all a tingle have you? Least you didn’t try to shag me while I was still unconscious” the sneer on Spikes lips had become more pronounced, the sarcasm stronger. Spike knew that if he was mean enough, nasty enough, she would run away and leave him alone, or stake him, which would be just as good.

Buffys eyes popped open wide in shock at what he had just said, and then a crooked smile spread across her lips for just a moment. “Oh, yeah, it’s a slayer thing. Thump the vampire, get hungry and horny, or sometimes horny and hungry.” As she spoke the crooked smile turned into a grin “Or sometimes just horny. Haven’t done that in a while, probably won’t.” as Buffy spoke she looked straight into Spikes eyes “Unless you want too?”

Whatever kind of response Spike expected from Buffy it definitely wasn’t what he got. *WHAT? What did she say?* Spikes eyes got big from surprise and shock. All the sarcasm and sneering attitude fled away and he started babbling. “What? What? No! I, I, uh, tired, yeah, bit tired right now. Head hurts too.”

As he watched Buffys face a sad little frown wrinkled her brow, her mouth turned down, her bottom lip came forward with just a slight quiver and she started to pout. *Bloody Fucking Hell, She’s Pouting! The crazy bint is pouting cause I don’t want to shag her! What the bloody hell is going on here?* Spike snapped his eyes closed, he couldn’t watch her pout it would melt his heart. He started taking deep breaths to calm down, then it hit him he didn’t need to breath to calm down, he didn’t even need to breath. *What am I doing?* Spike took in a deep breath and held it, then just let himself go limp to drain away the tension.

He laid there for awhile with his eyes closed, not sure how long, a few minutes anyway before he spoke again. This time all the sarcasm and sneering was gone from his voice. All that was left was a level of pain and sorrow that he lived with and felt everyday of his existence. He opened his eyes and had to blink away a tear that he hadn’t even known he’d shed. “What’s going on Buffy? Why are we doing this?” he asked sadly.

“Well” Buffy’s voice was kind of quivery, a little hesitant, “you were being all Big Bad, so I was being all Stupid Buffy, that’s all.”

Spike took another deep breath “That’s not what I mean and you know it” Spike continued in a voice that was so heavy with sorrow it weighed his words down. “Why are you here? Why am I here? What’s this all about?” With this last question he lifted his bound hands.

“Well the last part is because you tried to kill yourself and I had to stop you” Buffy said quietly. “The rest is because we need to talk, and you kept running away from me.”

With his eyes closed again Spike said “I don’t want to talk to you Buffy, I don’t want to see you.”

“I know you don’t” Buffy said, the quiver in her voice more pronounced. “But I needed to see you. I need to talk to you. Spike, I love you.”

The pain those words caused brought tears to Spikes eyes. “No you don’t. Please stop saying it.”

Tears were running down Buffys cheeks and she knew she was on the edge of losing control of herself. Not that she really gave a damned about control anymore. Trying to control her feelings and her emotions, living in a world of denial is what got her where she was right now. “Spike, I love you, I love you, I love you. I. Love. You. Me Buffy, I love Spike. Why won’t you believe me?”

Spike opened his eyes and sat up slowly, he looked at Buffy and saw the tears running down her face. He could see her pain and he so much wanted to reach out, to touch her, to wipe the tears away, to ease the pain, but he couldn’t live with the lie of her words. “Because I know it isn’t true. I don’t know why you keep saying you do, but I know Buffy, it isn’t true.”

Buffy started crying hard, she bent over so far her head was resting on the edge of Spikes bedding. Her whole body was shaking with the pain she was feeling in her heart and her soul. She had her arms wrapped around herself trying to hold on to herself. It was as if she were going to fly apart. *She did love Spike, she knew she did, she loved him with all her heart and soul. Why wouldn’t he believe her? Was it because of Angel? Did he really think that she still loved Angel?* Buffys mind was whirling and she tried to remember what Spike had said to Dawn. *That Buffys heart had broken when Angel left her and that she couldn’t love anyone new after he was gone. She could only love the people she had loved before, because she remembered how to love them. But with her heart broken and locked away she couldn’t ever love anyone else.* She knew that was what he believed. She knew that was what he thought was the truth. She had to make him see that it was only half true, not all true. She had to tell him her side of the truth.

When Buffy bent over crying Spike felt as if he were dying, he wanted to die. He watched her body shake as she was wracked with sobs. He wanted to touch her, but knew that would only make things worse. He laid back on his bed and rolling onto his side, pulling his legs up, bringing his bound hand up to his face, he cried too. What he was feeling was unbearable. He couldn’t stand what this was doing to him. He couldn’t stand what it was doing to Buffy. *Please let me die. Please let this end. I can’t stand it anymore. Please make her go away. Leave, please leave. It hurts to much. Please let me die.*

Spike was so wrapped up in his own pain and crying that he didn’t hear Buffy stop crying and get herself back under a degree of control. He didn’t see her straighten herself up or see her watching him cry, seeing his pain, understanding that his pain was as great as her own. She reached out to him wanting to touch him, but hesitated, for a moment, then leaning forward laid her hand on one of his legs. She felt Spike stiffen at her touch but didn’t remove her hand. At first she just let it rest on his leg, then slowly she started moving it back and forth, just a small distance, on his leg in a soothing way. It was almost like petting an injured pet, just small light moves so as not to frighten the pet even more than it already was. She started making little sounds that she wasn’t even aware of, again trying to sooth and make him unafraid. When Spike stopped crying she let her hand come to rest, then moved it away.

When Buffy touched his leg Spike felt his whole body stiffen up. It was like fire burning through to the bone where her hand touched. When she started stroking his leg, almost like petting, he wanted to cringe away from her touch. But after a minute or more it was like he never wanted her to stop. Each soft stroke of her fingers sent a small wave of comfort through him. He didn’t even realize that he had stopped crying, all he was aware of was Buffys soothing touch. His whole world consisted of the few inches of his leg where Buffys fingers touched him. When she finally stopped and lifted her hand away he wanted to beg her to continue. He lowered his hands from his face and lifting his head he turned it to see her looking at him with a look that almost felt like love.

“Spike I need you to do something for me” Buffy said softly. “I know you don’t want to, but I need to talk to you and I need you to listen to me. You told me once, no actually you probably told me a hundred times, maybe more, that you loved me. If you ever meant it, even just once, I need you to let me talk to you. Can you do that? When I’m done, if you want me to go away, I will. I won’t ever bother you again, I promise. Will you let me talk to you? Will you let me tell you my side of the truth.”

Spike listened to what Buffy said and could only nod his head, he was to overwhelmed to speak.

Once Spike nodded his head Buffy took a deep breath of air and let out a sigh. She then unfolded her legs and on her hands and knees she crawled over to a pile of Spikes belongings and fished around until she found a knife. She then crawled back to him and kneeling on his bed next to him she reached down with the knife and cut the ropes around his ankles. Spike was still lying on his side and had been looking over his shoulder as he watched Buffy get the knife and cut the ropes from his ankles. When she reached out and touched his shoulder and gave a little tug he let himself roll back onto his back. Buffy nodded toward his tied hands and when he held them up she cut through the ropes. Buffy glanced over her shoulder and threw the knife back onto the pile of Spikes things. Spike unraveled the remaining rope and tossed it to the side of the room. Buffy was kneeling next to him sitting back on her feet. Her knees were barely pressed against his hip and side, she was that close. She sat like that for a few moments looking down at him as he looked back up at her.

Buffy started to speak but had to pause to clear her throat. “Okay, first things first. Dawn didn’t lie to you or betray your trust in her in any way.” Buffy watched Spikes eyes widen just a little as he looked up at her. “If you never believe anything else I say you have to believe this, Dawn didn’t know I was in this room. She would never have lied to you or betrayed you like that. Joy brought me to this room and put me inside before she ever brought Dawn to the big room out there. Joy gave me something, some kind of charm thingy or something, that kept you from knowing I was in here. Dawn loves you Spike. More than I ever knew before, maybe more than you ever knew before too. She would never have agreed to me being here to hear what you were saying to her, not even if I asked her to do it. I know you love her, so please don’t let what I did spoil that. She needs you to love her Spike, just like she needs you to know she loves you.”

Buffy watched Spikes eyes as she told him that Dawn didn’t know about her being in this room earlier that night and hearing him tell her why he believed Buffy couldn’t love him. She saw the tears form in his eyes and watched him try to blink them away. “Do you believe me Spike, it’s important that you do.”

Spike nodded his head, but feeling that wasn’t enough he croaked out “I believe you.”

“Thank you, that will make Dawn so happy to know” Buffy said with a rasp in her voice as a tear ran down her cheek. She had to swallow twice before she could continue. “This next part is going to be even harder, for both of us I think. I’ve never been good at this, opening myself up and letting people know what’s going on inside of me. I’ve always been afraid. I’m not real sure what I was afraid of most though, people seeing inside of me or me seeing inside of me. You, probably better than anyone else in the world know how good I am at hiding from myself. If Buffy can’t deal with a situation it’s off to the land of denial. If Buffy can’t deal with an emotion or a feeling or a boyfriend or anything that causes her to feel uncomfortable then out comes represso-girl to the rescue to bury everything so deep she can never find it.”

Buffy started squirming around and becoming more and more uncomfortable. She knew it was happening and used it to push her forward. “See, it’s happening right now, represso-girl in action. If you hit me with an apocalypse I’ll hit it right back, hit me with an honest emotion and I’ll hide under the bed until it goes away. You know, believe it or not, I’ve tried to figure out why I act this way and the only thing I’ve ever been able to come up with is that I’m scared to death. Fact is I’m pretty much scared all the time. I tried to think back over my whole life to see if there was ever a time when I wasn’t scared and I could only come up with three time. Do you know when that was?” Buffy asked Spike as she looked him in the eyes and wouldn’t let herself turn away. “It was the last three nights we spent in Sunnydale when you were holding me in your arms. With the First and it’s Army from Hell waiting to come out and destroy the world, for a few hours on those last three nights I felt safe. I felt it Spike, that nobody or nothing could hurt me, because you were holding me and keeping me safe.”

While Buffy talked to him, Spike looked up at her face. He could see it, he’d seen it many times before, the fear just behind her eyes. He’d seen it almost every time he’d ever tried to say nice things to her or be kind to her or to tell her he loved her. He’d seen that fear twist her up into knots and watched her twist that fear into anger and hate and take it out on him. He could hear the nervousness in her voice, he could see the quiver in her lips. He knew how much this was costing her emotionally. He saw her hands clasped in her lap and watched her twist her fingers into knots. Without even thinking about it he reached out his hand and laid it over both of hers. As soon as he touched her he could feel it, she stopped moving completely, her hands relaxed under his touch, the tension in her arms and shoulders eased. He could see the fear lessen in her eyes. He watched her close her eyes and take a deep breath, then let it out slowly.

When Buffy opened her eyes she was much calmer, the fear was still there but it wasn’t clawing at her throat. She smiled down at Spike before speaking, “See, that’s what I mean. I need to talk to you and what I want to say might be the most important thing I’ll ever do, but I’m scared to death.” Buffy had to take another deep breath before she could continue. “Spike, I need you to make me feel safe again. I need you to hold me. Will you do this for me, will you hold me for a little while.”

Buffy could see Spikes eyes widen and could see the fear in his eyes. She knew it was unfair of her to ask him to help her, but she also knew that she would never be able to say what she needed to say if he didn’t help her. She prayed to herself that he would, but in her heart was afraid he wouldn’t. When Spike released her hands she thought she had her answer, but instead he pushed himself back on his bedding and propped a pillow behind his back for support. When he looked back up at her she could see the nervousness and fear that was still in his eyes, but she could also see that he would do this for her because she had asked him to do it. In that one selfless moment Buffy felt her heart swell, Spike still loved her.

**************





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