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Author's Chapter Notes:
Angst Warning. be prepared. :)
Reunions / Part 28

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When Spike opened his arms to Buffy to show that he was ready to hold her she nearly jumped into them. It took all of her control to move into his arms slowly. She actually knew that he knew how excited she was, her heart was beating like a drum and she knew he could hear it and feel it once she settled into his arms. But once she was there she didn’t care anymore, she felt safe.

Buffy had laid herself down next to Spike and after tucking one arm and hand behind him and draped the other over his stomach and around his waist, she laid herself down over him so that her cheek was against his chest. Spike had wrapped one arm around her shoulder and brought the other over her to clasp her waist. With both of her arms around him and both of his around her she squirmed around until she found the perfect position. She knew it was the perfect position when Spike bent his head just a little and placed a gentle kiss on the top of her head.

At first Buffys whole body felt like a guitar string, stretched tight and vibrating to the beat of her heart. It took several long minutes before she could even breath regularly again. At one point during those first minutes, with her ear pressed against Spikes chest right over his heart she thought she heard it beating. It took her awhile to figure out that it was her heart she was hearing as it pounded in her ear. But it was the quietness of his non-beating heart that helped to calm her down and in a strange way reassure her, this was Spike. Spike was holding her. She was safe in Spikes arms.

At first Spike had just kept his arms wrapped around Buffy to give her the assurance of safety she had asked from him. But after about five or six minutes of her still not calming down he started stroking her back with one hand then stroking her arm with the other. She felt his lips against her head and felt a vibration in his chest, it wasn’t quite a purr, but it was soothing to her. One of the unforeseen consequences of his touches and soothing behavior was that Buffy felt herself tingling between her legs, she was becoming aroused. When she became aware of this she felt herself blush and was grateful that Spike couldn’t see how red her face was getting. But at the same time it went through her mind that if he was aware of her current condition, and he might want to do something about it, she wouldn’t object even a little. In fact, Buffy admitted to herself with brutal honesty, she wished she had the courage to take the initiative herself. If Spike would only show the slightest bit of desire for her she knew she’d be out of her cloths in record setting time.

When Spike started stroking Buffy his honest intension was only to try to sooth and calm her down. When she started becoming aroused he knew it almost immediately. Spike felt certain that it wasn’t actual arousal, it was just a reaction to all the stress she was feeling and that was all. He knew that if he were to let her know that he was aware of her current state it would embarrass her and make her feel bad. She had asked him to help make her feel safe, trying to take advantage of her was definitely not the road to feeling safe. But he was terribly afraid that her aroused state, even though it wasn’t intentional, might set him off and make him become aroused. Spike tried instead to focus his thoughts on other things, painful things.

***

As she laid there in Spikes arms Buffy felt safe for the first time in eight years. She felt that she was where she belonged, at home, safe, surrounded by Spike. She wished that this moment in time could last forever, but she also knew that she needed to start talking soon or the opportunity, and her courage, might slip away forever. She tightened her hold on Spike and turning her head just a little placed a kiss over his heart, then resigned herself to do what she had to do.

“When you were talking to Dawn, about me, and the truth, I could hear every word you said to her. I think it was that charm thingy that Joy gave to me, cause I could even hear the whispers.” Buffy felt Spike stiffening up as she started speaking and hurried on. “I know that you didn’t want me to know or hear any of that stuff and I’m sorry that it hurts you that I did, but I needed to hear it. I needed to know how you saw and thought about those things. I needed to see what you think is the truth, about us, you and me.” Buffy could feel the tension inside of her building, but pushed on. “The truth is, you had a lot of it right, the first part of it anyway.”

“Back in the beginning, when Merrick, my first Watcher, first told me who I was and the whole destiny thing, it scared me, a lot. I didn’t believe in vampires and monsters, I didn’t want to believe in them. But what with the dreams and having to stake my first vampire and stuff, I had to believe in them. But see, I didn’t want to. But not wanting it didn’t stop stuff from happening, and it didn’t stop people from getting killed and it didn’t stop me having to fight for my life almost every night, or having to lie to my mom and dad, or breaking up with my boyfriend or losing all my friends because they all thought I’d gone crazy. See, it didn’t matter what I wanted, things just kept happening and my whole life was out of control. It was like my whole world was one big car crash that kept happening again and again. But when Merrick got killed and I had to fight a whole army of vampires and I burned down the school gym and got kicked out of school and then my dad left us, it was sort of like the biggest wreck of all. But after that things calmed down, no more vampires coming after me, no more fighting for my life, I thought it was over. I mean, sure, there was the whole big mess of trying to start my life over and having to move to a whole new town to live in, but I thought all the bad stuff was over and I wouldn’t have to ever do any of that stuff again.”

Buffy had tensed up telling the first part of her story and had to take a minute of silently holding on to Spike to calm down before she could talk again. “My first night in Sunnydale I had a dream. Not a happy dream or a sexy dream but a scare you to death dream. It was all vampires and monsters and people dying and cemeteries and stuff. When my mom dropped me off at school that first day she almost begged me not to get into trouble. So I promised her I wouldn’t and I promised myself that I was going to be all normal girl from now on. I went to classes, I met some people and started making new friends, that’s when I met Willow and Xander. But that’s also the day I met Giles and he told me he was my new Watcher and that I had a destiny, and then someone got killed by a vampire, all on my first day at school.”

“Spike. It was all starting up again and I was scared again and I didn’t want to do it. But it was like I was trapped, the destiny thing, and I couldn’t run away from it. That’s when Angel showed up. Did you know that I didn’t even like him at first. He’d show up out of nowhere and give me these cryptic messages that I didn’t understand, and then he’d just disappear. It was like every time I saw him I just knew something really bad was going to happen. But after awhile I sort of got a crush on him. I mean he was tall, dark and gorgeous for one thing and all mysterious and it just happened. But then I found out he was a vampire, which was suppose to make him all bad, and then found out he had a soul which made him good, and then he killed Darla, his sire, and I knew I could trust him.”

“Well, you pretty much know what happen then. Right at the end of the school year Giles and Angel found some kind of prophesy that predicted that I would die, and they weren’t even going to tell me. So I quit, I told them both that I quit, that I didn’t want to die, that I was only sixteen and I wanted to live. But I couldn’t run away from what was going to happen, no matter how much it scared me. So on the night of the school dance the Master arose and killed me, just like the prophesy said he would and just like in my dream that first night, and I couldn’t stop it from happening. Then Xander did some CPR stuff on me and brought me back to life. So I went after the Master and killed him this time. But Spike, I died!”

Buffy was so tensed up that she was holding on to Spike with all her strength, her body was shaking with the remembered fear. When she finally became aware of anything, beyond her memories, it was of Spike pulling at her arms and speaking into her ear. “Buffy, luv, got to let go. Don’t need to breath, but I think you might have cracked a rib or two.” Buffy heard the pain in Spikes voice and releasing her hold on him she sat up in shock and started to cry. Spike didn’t hesitate for even a moment, he reached out and pulled Buffy back down across his lap and started stroking her hair and whispering to her. “It’s okay luv, not really hurt. It’s okay, no need to cry.” It took several minutes before Buffy could stop crying and several more before she could speak again.

“I’m sorry Spike, for hurting you. Next time just hit me, or bite me, or something, okay?” Buffy mumbled out softly against his chest. When Spike started to chuckle at what she’d said Buffy lifted her head to look at his face. “Sorry luv, but the idea of hitting or biting a slayer is the kind of thing that could get a vampire turned to dust if he wasn’t careful.” But when he said it he was smiling so Buffy knew he wasn’t mad at her.

“Anyway, that summer I spent most of my time with my dad in L.A. and I thought about what had happened the previous school year. When I came back I was sort of in a really bad place because I had decided that I was going to put some distance between me and my friends. I knew I was a sort of magnet for trouble and I thought that if I could keep them away from me I would be protecting them in some way. But instead I nearly got them all killed because I wasn’t there to protect them when they needed me. So then I got all turned around and made up my mind that I would always be there for them so I could always protect them. But, that didn’t work out either. Because I fell in love with Angel and because we made love, he lost his soul.”

“You were right, what you said to Dawn, I did blame myself for everything. I blamed myself for Angel losing his soul, for him hurting my friends, for killing Ms. Calendar, for torturing Giles, for trying to end the world. I did, I blamed myself for everything, except one thing, you.” When Buffy said this she felt Spike go stiff in her arms. He even lifted the hand away that he had been stroking her hair with so that he wasn’t touching her anymore.

“See, when you came to town, the first time we met, you told me you were going to kill me. You almost did it a couple of times too. But for some really bizarre reason I couldn’t be angry with you for trying. Because you were an evil vampire and I was the Slayer, so we were like natural enemies. That didn’t mean I wasn’t afraid of you or that I didn’t want to kill you, it’s just that I wasn’t angry about it. It wasn’t until you tried to kill Angel that I even got mad at you. But when I found out what it was all about, that you were just trying to save your crazy girlfriend, I wasn’t angry. Don’t get me wrong, I would have staked you in a second if I’d had the chance, and I actually thought I did kill you in that church when we rescued Angel, but I wasn’t angry about it, not really. But your girlfriend Dru, I was real angry with her, because she killed Kendra.”

“When you came to me and offered to help me stop Angelus from using the Acathla to destroy the world, I didn’t believe you until you told me that is was no deal unless I let you leave town with Dru. That was the only thing you said that made me trust you, even a little bit. I mean the whole thing about not wanting to see the world end because you liked it the way it was didn’t mean anything. But when it was all about saving Dru I felt I could trust you, just a little.”

“But then I had to fight Angelus anyway and he almost beat me, but I couldn’t let him win. You were already gone so you didn’t see it, but just before I was ready to stab Angelus, Willows spell gave him back his soul and he was Angel again, and he didn’t remember any of the bad things he’d done. But it was to late, he’d already activated the Acathla and a vortex was starting to open and I knew what I had to do. So I told Angel I loved him and I kissed him and then I stabbed him and sent him to hell.” Buffy was crying so hard by this time she couldn’t go on any longer.

Spike let her cry for a few moments without touching her, but seeing her pain he started stroking her and tried to sooth her pain. Spike didn’t want to hear anymore of Buffys story. He didn’t want her to have to relive her pain again, and he knew that the longer she talked the more pain she would have to drag to the surface and relive it all again. He wanted to tell her to stop, but he had promised to listen to her, so he wrapped his arms around her and slowly soothed away her pain and tried to be the safe place she needed to have so that she could go on.

It was several minutes before Buffy could continue, but with Spike holding her and soothing her, she was finally able to get herself back under control. With the side of her face pressed against Spikes chest, directly over his heart, she started talking again. “You sort of know what happened after that, I ran away from home, went to L.A., and got a job waiting tables in a dinner. I was blaming myself for everything that had happened and I thought that I had killed Angel, and I just couldn’t deal with it. But I think that mostly that summer I was trying to deny who I was, that I had a calling, a destiny, that I was the Slayer. I didn’t want to be the Slayer, Spike. I didn’t want the fate of the world to be on my shoulders, my responsibility. I was afraid Spike. Every minute of every day I was afraid.”

“But then something happened, a girl I’d met in Sunnydale that knew who I was asked me for help. Oh, and she’s a friend of yours too, it’s Anne, we got a chance to talk earlier tonight, but her name was Lilly back then. But anyway, we both ended up being sucked into a hell dimension and I had to be the Slayer again to get us out of there. That’s when I realized that I couldn’t run away from who I was anymore, that I was the Slayer and that I needed to go home and face my mom and Giles and my friends. But I was still afraid Spike, all the time. When I got home things were kind of strained, between me and my mom and with Giles too. But most of all with Willow and Xander. It was like there was this wall that got built up between us and I felt like they weren’t really happy that I’d come back.”

“That’s when they threw me a party, the ‘Welcome Home To Hell Party’. Things got really bad at the party and I was going to run away again, and then Willow and Xander and even my mom started dumping the major guilt on me. They were all so disappointed in me Spike. They didn’t understand why I had to run away. They didn’t understand what I was feeling or what I’d been going through. It was like they were the only ones that counted and I had let them all down.”

“That’s when things changed for me Spike, not when I sent Angel to hell. I mean, you were right when you told Dawn that what I did to Angel broke my heart. It did, but you need to understand that when I stabbed Angel and sent him to hell I knew it was something that I had to do. I didn’t know at the time I was sending him to hell, I thought I’d killed him, but I still knew that I had to do it. But finding out that everyone thought I had let them down was what really broke my heart. That was when I started sealing up my heart Spike, not because of Angel, but because I couldn’t deal with disappointing my mom or my friends again. That’s when I started keeping secrets and burying my feelings. That’s when I started building the walls around my heart.”

“That whole year after I came back was crazy, you know that don’t you? I tried to get involved with a normal boy and be a normal girl, but it didn’t work out. Angel came back and all my feelings for him, and all my fears, they came back too. I hid that Angel was back from everyone, and when they found out they were all disappointed in me again. Then there was Faith coming to town. Giles taking my Slayer powers away from me and almost getting me and my mom killed. Giles getting fired by the Council. Getting a new Watcher. Faith turning evil. The Mayor turning himself into a monster snake demon and an apocalypse to prevent. Me trying to kill Faith to save Angels life and letting him feed off of me instead. Blowing up the school. Angel leaving me again. So many things happened that year and every time something happened I just kept putting more bricks in the wall around me so that they wouldn’t hurt so much.”

“But Spike, do you want to hear something funny, or maybe not funny but kind of strange anyway? Remember when you came back to town and kidnapped Willow and Xander? Drusilla had broken up with you and you wanted Willow to make you a spell so that you could get her back. When Angel and me caught you and you told us what you were in town for, I wasn’t mad at you. Oh sure, I was angry that you’d kidnapped Willow and Xander and if you‘d hurt them I would have staked you, but I wasn’t mad at you for what you were trying to do. Do you know why? It was because you were doing it because you loved Drusilla and you wanted her to love you back. It kept going through my head for days and weeks after you were gone that you did it all because of love. The thing that kept bothering me was that you were a soulless vampire and you were in love with Drusilla. When Angel lost his soul all he wanted to do was kill me and all my friends. Even when he had a soul he didn’t love me enough to stay with me. He said he was leaving me so that I could be happy and have a normal life. I was never been able to wrap my head around that, you know, leaving someone and breaking their heart so they would be happy.”

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