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Warning: Angst Alert, tissues may be needed.
Reunions / Part 29

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“I’m not going to lie to you, Spike. When Angel left, I thought I was going to die. He told me he loved me, that he wanted me to be happy, and then he left me. I cried every night for weeks after he was gone.” Buffy had to stop for a few moments as old feelings of loss and pain came to the surface. She knew that talking about her love for Angel was hurting Spike, but she needed to tell him everything so that he would understand. Her feelings for Angel were from the past, not from the now. It took her several more moments to get her thoughts sorted out.

Spike was half sitting, half laying on his bed. Pillows were propped up behind him, his right leg was sticking out straight, his left leg pulled up so that his foot was on the bed, his left arm was draped over his knee, his right arm around Buffy’s shoulder. Buffy was laying on her left side, pressed up tight against Spike. She had her left cheek pressed against his chest, with her left arm tucked up under her with her hand just below her chin. Her right arm was draped over his stomach and chest with her open hand lying on his chest just in front of her face. Her right leg was draped over Spikes right leg, her stomach pressed against his hip. In an unconscious act of intimacy the thumb of her right hand was slowly stroking up and down over a small area of his left breast. With barely any movement needed he bent his head down and kissed the top of Buffys head. His left arm lifted from his knee as he brought his hand over to gently push a lock of Buffys hair behind her ear, then with the lightest of touches let his finger tip brush the side of her face as he moved his arm back to rest on his knee.

“Okay, now I know what you told Dawn, about my heart being all shattered and stuff, but it really wasn’t like you think it was. Yeah, sure, my heart was broken, but it wasn’t shattered or anything, not like you think it was anyway. But I guess it was pretty messed up. But what you don’t know was that a lot of other things were happening then too. See, when I was in high school all my decisions were pretty much made for me. Mom made decisions for me at home, and Giles made decisions for me the rest of the time. I mean, sure, I had to make choices and decisions about slayer stuff. But as far as my life went someone else was always telling me what to do. Even with Willow and Xander, it was pretty much doing what they wanted to do or going where they wanted to go.”

“But that summer things changed. Xander went on his ‘road trip of adventure’, which got him as far as Oxnard, before coming back. Willow was all involved with Oz then and we hardly spent any time together. With the high school destroyed and Giles losing his job as a Watcher and as the school librarian, he pulled away from me. I think he was feeling kind of lost himself back then. Mom knew I was upset about Angel leaving, so she pretty much left me alone all summer to mope around. So, when it was time to go back to school, start college, I wasn’t really ready for it. What I mean is, I wasn’t ready to start making my own decisions.”

“So when school started I was feeling kind of lost and lonely. My insecurity level was topping out maximal and I wasn’t dealing with things to well. On my second night at school I got my ass kicked by a skank vampire ho who stole all my stuff from my dorm room. My room mate turned out to be a demon who was sucking my soul out at night. I got involved with that poop head Parker and ended up as just another notch on his bedpost. I got drunk on some magic beer that turned me into a cave girl for a night. Then to top everything off, you came back to town.”

Buffy felt Spike tense up, but went on with her story. “That’s when you came back to town and found the ‘Ring of Amara’ and tried to kill me. Spike I wasn’t mad at you for trying to kill me, I mean you were an evil vampire and I’m the Slayer, the two of us trying to kill each other seemed normal. But you said some things to me that day, about Angel and about Parker that really hurt. I mean it hurt a lot more than it should have. It was like you were seeing a part of me, the real me, the me that I didn’t want to see, and it hurt. So after I got the ring away from you and you ran away, I swore that the next time I saw you I was going to stake you and turn you to dust.”

“But we both know what happened next. You got caught by the Initiative and they put that chip in your head. Do you know when you first came to me and asked for my help I thought it was funny, you asking me to help you. But when I realized you meant it, I had to do it. I know you told Dawn you thought it was out of pity, but it wasn’t really that. Oh, sure there was some of that, there you were, my worst enemy in the world asking me to help him because he couldn’t hurt anyone or feed anymore. Like I was suppose to feel bad for you. But at the same time I had to respect you too. You knew that if I wanted to I could have killed you at any time, but you took that chance. It was like you expected me to treat you like an equal and not take advantage of the situation. Of course I didn’t tell you what I was thinking or feeling, I’m not sure I even realized it myself on a conscious level, but I knew I couldn’t just stake you, it wouldn’t have been a fair fight, and that was important to me.”

“Okay, you know most of what else happened that year. Me and Riley getting together as a couple, me joining the Initiative, Dr. Walsh trying to murder me, Adam, you helping Adam, you switching sides at the last minute so I wouldn’t stake you. But there were other things you didn’t know about that were important. Alright, you know about the spell Willow did that made us think we were in love and want to get married. After the spell was broken, both of us acted like it had been the worst thing that ever happened to us. You rubbing my kisses off your mouth and spitting like I was poison, me threatening to stake you if you ever mentioned it again. But what you don’t know is that afterward, when my mind had a chance to replay everything, it made me really sad that it hadn’t been for real. Because for a few hours that night I was really in love with someone and they were really in love with me and I was the happiest I’d ever been in my life.”

Buffy waited to see if Spike would say anything in response to what she had just said. But Spike remained motionless, he had even stopped breathing. Buffy took a deep breath before speaking again. “Did you hear what I said Spike?” Buffy asked and waited for a response. Long moments passed before she felt Spike take a breath and in a low raspy voice say “I heard you.”

Buffy took another deep breath and pushed herself onward with her story. “But do you understand what it meant to me? When I was in love with Angel I thought that I couldn’t possibly ever be happier than that ever again. But here was a spell that made me realize that what I had felt with Angel was only a little piece of what real happiness felt like, and it wasn’t real. In a way I think that’s part of the reason I got involved with Riley. I knew the spell wasn’t real, that what I had felt with you wasn’t real, but I wanted it to be real with someone. Then Riley comes along and he seemed perfect. Nice normal guy who treats me nice and says he loves me. I wanted that feeling of being loved and loving someone that much, like in the spell, to be real for me.”

Buffy had started crying again and it took her a minute or two to stop crying and get control of herself. The tears from her eyes had wet the front of Spikes t-shirt and she absentmindedly rubbed her fingers over the wet spot. Spike had said nothing during this time, but he had wrapped both arms around Buffy as she cried and held her against him tightly. With her voice still choked by her tears Buffy started talking again. “But you see, that wasn’t the only spell that I got involved with that year. This is important, that you remember this, but I can’t explain it all now, I need to explain it later when it will make more sense. But, anyway, I had to go to L.A. to see Angel. I was only there for a short time and went back home. But all the way home and for days afterward I kept feeling that something was wrong, that something was missing. Just remember that part, something was missing.”

“My next trip into the fun filled world of magic was when Faith came out of her coma. Somehow she got hold of some kind of magical thingy that switched our bodies. I think you heard about that, but what you probably didn’t hear was that while she was all switched around she took my body out for a test drive and screwed my boyfriend, and he didn’t notice the difference. I can’t even explain how bad that made me feel, that Riley, who said he loved me couldn’t tell that I was someone else.” Buffy realized when she finished her last statement that it didn’t really make sense, but couldn’t really think of a way to say it.

Spike sensing her distress hugged her against him tighter, kissed her on the top of her head and spoke to her softly. “Luv, I’m not the one to stand up for Captain America, but unless Faith was talking her head off the whole time she was with him, he probably couldn’t tell it wasn’t you. I mean it was you, in a way.”

Buffy sighed into Spikes chest and told him, “That’s what Riley said, that he felt there was something different about me, but it was still me. But it still hurt.” Buffy took in a deep breath and laid still for a minute before going on. “A week or so later Riley’s frat house had a party and the two of us got sucked into some kind of spirit possession that made us make love over and over for hours. We nearly killed each other, we couldn’t stop ourselves.” Buffy paused for a moment before going on. “But there was something about that whole possession thing that really bothered me afterward. When Riley and me were making love, it was all sex and passion, but there wasn’t really any love in it. But when you and me were under a spell it was all about loving each other. I remembered kissing Riley and all it did was push the passion higher and higher. But when I remembered kissing you, each kiss was like this ball of love growing inside my heart and getting bigger and bigger with each kiss. I think that maybe that was when I realized, unconsciously anyway, that I didn’t love Riley. At least not the way he wanted me to, or the way I should have anyway.”

“A few days after that, maybe a week later ,I got a tip that Faith had gone to L.A. and I went after her. I wanted to catch up to her and beat the hell out of her, I wanted revenge I guess. I went to Angel to see if he could help me find her and when I got there Faith was with Angel, in his arms. I went kind of ballistic on him about Faith and I hit him, and he hit me back. He told me that he was trying to help Faith and he didn’t need me coming to his town putting my nose into his business. Spike, I understand now what Angel was trying to do, he was trying to save Faith and help her find redemption. But right then, at that time, it felt like he had betrayed me, and this is important, it felt like ‘he had betrayed me again‘. I didn‘t understand that at the time, but I felt it was true.”

“That summer after we destroyed Adam and the Initiative left town you pretty much stayed out of sight. I kind of figured that you were laying low in case I was still mad at you for helping Adam and turning my friends against me. But I did see you a couple of times. Once you were fighting with three vampires and you were really whaling away on them, but you kept letting them get up instead of just staking them. It was like you were having fun and didn’t want the fight to end. So I just stood back and watched the fight, and it was kind of fun. But then Riley came through the cemetery looking for me, he’d do that sometimes, come looking for me when I was on patrol. He was always wanting to go with me on patrol, but it was always easier to do it without him, but I couldn’t tell him that or it would have hurt his feelings. But you must have heard him or something cause when I looked back the vamps were dust and you were running off somewhere.”

Buffy paused again and took a couple of deep breaths before speaking. “Spike, you know I couldn’t have gotten this far, talking to you like this, if you hadn’t been holding me, don’t you? I need you to understand that. Because from here on out is when things are going to get a lot harder for me to talk about. I need your strength Spike. I need you to make me safe, will you do that for me?”

Spikes voice was barely above a whisper and sounded raspy, but he was so close to her ear Buffy could hear him plainly. “I’m here Luv. You take whatever you need from me, I’ll keep you safe as houses.”

“It was sometime that summer that Dawn arrived” Buffy said when she could speak again. “You know, it’s still hard to say that, Dawn arrived. I know what happened and I know about when it happened, but inside my head and inside my heart Dawn was always there, always with us. I’ve got memories of her as a baby and holding her in my arms. I remember us growing up and teasing and fighting with each other. I remember us playing with each other. I remember taking her to the playground when we first moved to Sunnydale so she could play on the swings. We had pictures of her growing up, we had pictures of us all together. We all remember her, all of us. It’s just really hard to think about magic, or whatever it was, that’s so strong that it can change everything that everyone remembers.”

“Anyway, that fall everyone was with someone. Xander was with Anya, Willow was with Tara, I had Riley and Giles opened the Magic Box and they fixed the backroom up as a training area for me. I thought for just once everything was going fine for a change. But then everything fell apart. God, Spike, you know what a nightmare that year was. Dracula, Riley, Glory comes to town and I find out about Dawn, Mom got sick, breaking up with Riley and him leaving. Finding out Glory was a god, Dawn finding out she was the Key. Then you telling me you loved me and threatening to kill me if I don’t believe you. Mom died and Dawn tried to raise her from the dead. You getting a Buffybot made to love you. Glory torturing you to find out about the Key and you not telling her. Glory stealing Tara’s mind, Willow trying to get revenge. All of us trying to get away and Ben turning out to be Glory and taking Dawn away from us. It was all more than I could take. I totally lost it. I went all cata-whatever and got lost inside my head and Willow had to get me out. Then we had to go fight Glory and we beat her, but it didn’t matter. Dawn got cut anyway and her blood opened the dimension thing and I had to make a choice. Either Dawn had to die or I did, and I chose me.”

Buffy had become still as she lay across Spikes chest. Her breathing was slow and steady, but her heart was beating hard and fast. She lay there not knowing if she could continue, the pain of the memories and the emotions they brought with them were like a knife in her heart. When she felt the first tear splash onto her fingers where her hand rested on Spikes chest it drew her attention. As she watched a second tear and a third and then a fourth fell from above. She lifted her cheek from Spikes chest and turned her head so that she could look up at his face. Spikes eyes were closed, but there was a stream of tears slowly running down both of his cheeks and dripping from his chin. Seeing Spike crying was even more painful than the memories she had just been experiencing. Buffy buried her face back into Spikes chest and started crying too.

Through her tears Buffy choked out in short gasps “I’m so soo…rry. I’m sorry. I don’t wa…nt to hu…rt you. Please. I’m sorry. I need to say this. I have to tell you. I’m sorry.” Buffy started to cry even harder, her tears falling from her face to his t-shirt where they mixed with his tears falling from above.

With all the emotional strength he was capable of, with all the love he was capable of, Spike wrapped both of his arms around Buffy and pulled her to him tightly. He stroked her back, her head, her hair. He kissed the top of her head as he made little sounds to try to sooth her. Spike poured all that was in him into Buffy to try to sooth her and make her feel safe in his arms.

It took several minutes for both of them to get back in control of their emotions and their crying. Spike continued to hold Buffy in both his arms. Buffys right hand had slipped from his chest to his side as she tried to pull herself into him tighter as she pressed her face against his chest. When she was finally able she started speaking again.

“You know what happened that year, you were there for almost all of it. But there are some things you don’t know, things that were going on inside of me, things that I was feeling, how they were doing things to me.” Buffy paused to sniff her nose and to clear her throat. “I’ve told you before how afraid I was, almost all the time. But that year was more than I could take. Everyone expected me to be strong, all the time, and I tried. But it was just so much to deal with. Letting Dracula bite me for starters. I mean, I know I was under thrall and I couldn’t help myself. But Spike, that really really scared me. I’m the Slayer and I ‘let’ a vampire bite me.”

“Then Glory showed up and the first time I met her, she kicked my ass. I don’t mean she just beat me in a fight, she kicked my ass. She was stronger than me, and we both knew it. That scared me Spike. That scared me bad. Every time I thought about having to face her again I would almost panic. When the monk told me about Dawn, that she wasn’t real, that she was some kind of Key that I had to protect from Glory, that scared me even more. Because I didn’t know how I could do it when I already knew that I couldn’t win.”

“Then when mom got sick.” Buffy choked on these words and had to take a few moments before she could speak again. “When mom got sick my whole body went numb. I felt completely helpless. Do you remember that night? Of course you do. I’d beaten you up for something earlier, I don’t even remember what, probably me just being a bitch. You came to our house and I was on the back steps crying. I saw that you came with a gun, I thought that you were going to try to shoot me, and I didn’t even care. I think I almost wanted you to shoot me, so I wouldn’t have to deal with anything anymore. But instead you sat down next to me, and you tried to comfort me.”

“But I need you to understand something. Spike, I was going crazy with fear. Everyone expected me to be strong and I knew I wasn’t strong enough. But I couldn’t show my fear to Giles or Willow or Xander, and I definitely couldn’t let my mom know how afraid I was all the time. So I took all this fear and sort of twisted it around into anger. But there wasn’t anyone to take my anger out on, except you. I don’t know why I did it. Why I took my anger out on you, but I did it anyway. So there I am, wanting you to shoot me, and instead you try to comfort me.”

“When mom first passed out and was rushed to the hospital, Riley was there and he wanted to hold me and comfort me, but I wouldn’t let him. I was so busy building walls around myself, trying to block out the fear and the pain, that I was blocking him out too. But, when you tried to comfort me, it felt okay, to let someone, you, see the hurt and the pain. Of course the next day I was back in bitch mode and blocked it all out again. But something happened that night. I don’t know how to explain it, but it was like I could trust you, to see the real me.”

“It was the same thing, when Glory was trying to find the Key, but didn’t know it was Dawn. I was afraid she would come after mom and Dawn and the only place I could think of where they might be safe was with you. I knew you were strong, and for some reason I knew that if I asked you to, that you would protect them. I knew that I could trust them with you, that they would be okay with you.”

“When things with me and Riley came crashing down, I tried to blame you for it. But even I couldn’t twist my head around that much. I heard you tell Dawn that I blamed myself for the breakup with Riley, and your right I did. Because there really wasn’t anyone else to blame. If I had really loved Riley like I tried to tell myself that I did, I would have let him inside my heart. But I kept him out. If I had been the least bit honest with myself I should have seen what was coming, or had the courage to end things between the two of us a lot earlier. But I was afraid, I wanted someone to love me, I didn’t want to be all alone, I was a coward.”

“That’s why when you kidnapped me and chained me up, telling me you were in love with me and if I didn’t love you back you were going to let Drusilla kill me, I went so nutso on you. I know that I said a lot of things about you being soulless and not knowing what real love was, but I knew it wasn’t true too. I mean, I already knew that you had spent almost a hundred and twenty years loving Drusilla before you ever came to Sunnydale. I knew you could love. I just couldn’t, wouldn’t admit it to myself. Not when I had just had a boyfriend who told me that he loved me more that anything else in the world and I couldn’t love him back the way I should have. I couldn’t admit to myself that you could do something, feel something, that I couldn’t do or feel myself. Of course, once I told Giles and the others, they all came up with the idea that it was just some kind of crazy vampire obsession. That because you couldn’t kill me you had twisted it around in your head that you loved me. Xander, as usual, figured that it was his appointed mission to protect me from you after that and keep you away from me.”

Buffy paused in her story again and took several deep breaths. “When mom died, …… I went numb. I kind of wanted to die, to not feel anything, because everything was just to painful. ……. Spike, I loved my mom so much, and ……. and I don’t know if she knew how much I loved her. I couldn’t remember the last time I told her, …….. or even if I had. Everyone was trying to be so nice and were telling me how sorry they were, and I didn’t know if mom knew how much I loved her. It was killing me.”

Buffy broke down again and started crying into Spikes chest as she buried her face against him. Spike held her and soothed her as tears ran down his face because of the pain Buffy was putting herself through. When she was finally able to speak again she told him. “Right after, …… mom died, you told Dawn that you came to the house to let us know you were sorry, for our loss, but Xander wouldn’t let you see us. I just wanted you to know that I think Dawn would have appreciated it a lot. Mom liked you, you know that don’t you? It would have been a comfort to Dawn, I think, if you could have talked to her then. I honestly can’t tell you how I would have reacted. I was hurting so much that I might have just hit you or threatened to stake you, I don’t know. But, if it means anything to you now, I do appreciate that you were concerned about us.”

Buffy took a minute to pull herself together again. As she lay in Spikes arms she could feel the tension building up inside of her. She knew where she was going with her story and knew that it would hurt Spike as much as it was going to hurt her. Before she could let herself slip into denial and repression she started speaking. “Spike, make me feel safe again.”

Spike already had both arms around Buffy, but had let his hold on her loosen. With her words he tightened his hold on her again, made little soothing sounds and kissed her head repeatedly. What ever it took to get Buffy through this Spike would give, even if it killed him.

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