Reunions / Part 35
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Spike sat looking at Dawn as she held his hand and smiled at him. The love he felt for her filled a place in his heart that had been an aching hole for the past eight years. For the first time he truly believed that she had forgiven him for what he had tried to do to Buffy, something for which he had yet to forgive himself. He could see it in her eyes, her face, the way she openly behaved toward him, that she truly meant what she said, that she loved him.
Accepting that Dawn could forgive him, and love him, forced him to confront the words that Buffy had spoken. She had said repeatedly that she didn’t hate him, that she had forgiven him, that she loved him. How could this be true? How could Buffy forgive the very thing that had haunted his dreams all these years? The guilt he had lived with daily was so strong, so much a part of him, that he couldn’t wrap his mind around the possibility of it being true. But seeing, and believing, that Dawn loved him had planted a seed of possibility, of hope, that was desperately trying to take root in his heart.
But caution, and fear, rushed forward. Spike knew how fragile his heart was when it came to Buffy. He knew that if he let himself hope, if he let himself believe, he could easily destroy himself. Thinking of seeing her had made him a nervous wreck. Seeing her and hearing her say she loved him, and telling her that ‘no, she didn’t‘, had driven him away from Joy and his other children. Finding out that she had been there, and had heard everything he had said to Dawn about why she couldn’t love him, had driven him to wanting to destroy himself. The pain he had felt hearing Buffys confession, and her declaration of love, had torn open old wounds and inflicted new ones to his heart. Wanting to believe, fearing to believe, guilt, anger, shame, love, remorse. All these thoughts, feelings, emotions, were churning inside his head and his heart.
The added guilt he was feeling over what he had done, throwing a stake to Buffy while vamping out as he told her he was soulless had been unfair, and he knew it. Her reaction had been instinctual; vampire - slayer - threatening gestures, her reaction had been predictable. Somewhere in his confused thinking he had thought that by forcing her to react, it would prove to both of them that it was impossible for her to love him. But all he had really done was hurt Buffy, again. Seeing the hurt on her face, the pain in her eyes, had driven him away from her again. Spike started sinking deeper and deeper into his thoughts, brooding.
Dawn had quietly watched Spike and had seen the love in his eyes as he smiled back at her. She had also seen the change that took place. She saw the smile fade from his lips, the frown that furrowed his brow, the pain that returned to his eyes. She knew that his mind was turning to darker thoughts. Giving a slight pull on his hand as she gave it a squeeze, “Hey! Broody boy, wake up!”
Being yanked out of his thoughts it took a moment for Spike to realize what Dawn had just said to him. An offended frown spread across his face as he snapped “I don’t brood!”
“Well you could have fooled me” Dawn snapped back. “You were looking like a baby Angel there for a minute.” The offended look that spread over Spikes face was more than Dawn could handle and she started giggling. “Hey, let me tell you, one brooding Angel in the world is more than enough. Two of you would be one to many. I don’t think the world could handle it. We’d have to go find Angel and stake him, just to lighten the load.”
The offended look on Spikes face slipped away and turned into a smirky grin. “He still doing that, is he?”
“Oh God, yes” Dawn responded with a smile on her face. “I’ve seen him bore holes in walls when he broods. I don’t know how Nina puts up with him. If I was her, I’d smack him upside the head with a board, just to keep him focused on the real world.”
A thoughtful look settled on Spikes face. “Nina, she’s the dog-girl Angel was seeing before …. the end. How long they been together?”
“It’s werewolf, smart-ass, not dog-girl” Dawn snarked back. “Nina’s nice, don’t pick on her. Angel asked Giles to check on her, after they rescued him, to make sure the S.P’s didn’t harm her. She came back to London to be with Angel while he was healing up and has been with him ever since.”
Spike tilted his head a little to one side as he thought about what Dawn had said, his eyes going a little out of focus. After a few moments he looked back at Dawn and asked, “What’s Buffy think about that?”
Dawn knew what Spike was really asking with his question and answered honestly. “Buffy like’s Nina, and Connor too. Whenever they come to London she usually sees them, sometimes they go out to eat together. Angel doesn’t come to London very often, maybe a dozen times since he moved to Ireland. Buffy’s only seen him maybe four or five times, if he comes to the Council building.” When Spike’s eyes narrowed she could read in them that he wanted to know more, but wouldn’t ask. “Buffy blamed Angel for not letting her know that you came back, after the Hellmouth. Angel told her that it was your decision not to contact her, but she didn’t believe him. After the fight with the S.P’s, Giles kept Buffy away from Angel, he was afraid she’d dust him for getting you killed.”
The look of disbelief that could easily be read in Spikes eyes prompted Dawn to say more. “Spike, you still don’t get it, do you? Buffy blamed Angel for getting you killed. I mean, …. we thought you were dead, and Buffy blamed Angel. She told Giles that Angel was lying about you, that you would have contacted her, unless Angel stopped you somehow. She told Giles not to trust Angel, because if he would lie about you he was probably lying about other things too. Buffy didn’t even see or talk to Angel for two years. They’ve been getting along better the past few years, their friendly now, but their not close, not like they use to be. Most of their contact with each other is for business reasons, Angel does research for the Council now.”
Dawn watched Spike closely as she spoke to him. She could tell he was having a hard time adjusting to what she had just told him. Spike had convinced himself that Buffy could only love Angel, never him. Hearing that Buffy blamed Angel for Spike not contacting her, and for his apparent death, had to be giving him doubts about his convictions. Hearing that there had been actual concern that Buffy might try to ‘dust’ Angel must be even more disturbing to his beliefs. Dawn decided that letting Spike spend to much time thinking about Angel probably wasn’t a good thing right now. She had more important things to tell him and had only been putting it off because of the emotional overload that she knew it was going to put both of them through.
“Spike, I’ve got other things I need to tell you. More important things than stuff about Angel. More of the ‘secret stuff’ that we should have told you right away, and before you try to stop me, I told Giles I was going to tell you and he agreed.” Dawns voice had started off calm, but as she spoke the stress level in her voice had increased.
Spike had heard the change in Dawns voice and was looking at her closely. He knew that Dawn was about to tell him more about Buffy, and from the change in her voice and the stress he could see in the way she was holding herself, he knew that it was going to be bad. With shaking hands he found his cigarettes and lit one up. Once it was burning he braced himself for what was to come.
Dawn had been holding Spikes left hand since she had sat back down with him. When he pulled it free to search for his cigarettes she put her hand on his leg, she needed the physical contact. Once Spike had his cigarette lit and she knew he was ready to hear more, she started talking. “Remember, when I told you Buffy went kind of crazy when she couldn’t find you?”
Dawn watched Spike closely for a response. Spike took a deep drag off his cigarette, then looking at Dawn he nodded his head slightly. Dawn started talking again, but there was a note of fear in her voice. Not fear of Spike, but fear of hurting him. “Some of this I saw for myself, some of it I got from Buffy a lot later. When she stabbed herself in the heart, she expected to die. She had thought that it was just being a slayer that had prevented her from dying from her previous attempts. You know, super strength, super healing powers. But a dagger in the heart should have killed anyone, it would have killed her before, in the old days. But, anyway, when they got her to the dispensary and she healed up, instead of dying, she got real angry about it. One of the witches from the Coven, the one that pulled the dagger out of her heart, told her that she must be immortal or something.” Dawn hesitated for a few moments while she took a deep breath. “Spike, Buffy went really crazy then. She started screaming at everyone about how it wasn’t right, that she had died twice already, that she had been ripped out of heaven, that it wasn’t fair, that she wanted to die. That she wanted to be with you.”
Hearing that Buffy had wanted to die, had tried to kill herself, to be with him, was like a kick to Spikes stomach. If he’d had any food, or blood, in his stomach he probably would have thrown up. Instead, he sat there and shook. Spike knew that one day, when Buffy died, she would return to heaven. He also believed that one day, when his un-life ended, he would be going to hell. He couldn’t put the two ideas together.
Dawn had been afraid of what she had to tell Spike would do to him, but she knew that there was a lot worse to come and she needed him to pull himself together. Dawn started shaking Spikes leg, to draw his attention, and yelled at him. “Spike, snap out of it. Don’t you go all nancy boy on me. I need the Big Bad, Spike, I need him NOW!” Dawn shook Spikes leg even harder, and making a fist she hit him in the arm.
Dawn shaking his leg started to bring Spike back into focus. Hearing her say she needed the Big Bad, and feeling her hit him on the arm, snapped him back. Spikes eyes started switching from blue to yellow and back to blue, then yellow again. His ears were ringing from the loudness of Dawns voice. When she hit him on the arm a second time he came back into focus and turned his full attention on Dawn.
Seeing that she had Spikes attention, Dawn unclenched her fist and laid her hand on his arm and gently rubbed where she had hit him. “Sorry about that” Dawn told him in a soft voice of contrition. Then in a more determined voice she told him, “Spike, I’ve got a lot of stuff to tell you and almost all of it is really bad. I need you to stay focused. I need you to be the Big Bad for awhile, cause the Big Bad can take it. Do you understand what I mean.? You got to know this stuff and it’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt me to tell you, but it’s going to hurt you more to hear it this way. Can you do it? Can you stay focused?”
Spike studied Dawns face and processed what she had just said to him. Telling him that she needed the Big Bad told him that what she was about to tell him was even worse than what she had already said to him. He also realized that Dawn was telling him that she needed the ‘fighter’ in him, she needed someone who could take the punishment he was about to receive. Spike pulled himself together and started building up his defensive walls. He lit up a cigarette and drew the smoke deep down into his lungs. He unzipped his jacket and pulled out a small half pint flask, took the cap off and upending it, he drained it. He rolled his head until his neck made a loud pop. He rolled his shoulders as if he were getting ready for a fight. Taking another deep drag off the cigarette he held it in for several long seconds, then let the smoke out through his nose. His eyes suddenly turned yellow and in lest than a second he was fully vamped out. Slowly he let his vamp face fade back into human, but a glint of yellow stayed in his blue eyes. Taking another drag off the cigarette, he turned his eyes on Dawn and in a hard, clipped voice he said, “Tell me Bit. Tell it all.”
Dawn wanted to reach out and touch Spike, but she knew that this wasn’t the time for it. Spike needed to be strong, and touching him wouldn’t help him stay that way. She just hoped that she could stay strong enough herself to tell it all.
In a voice almost as hard and clipped as Spikes, Dawn started talking. “Buffy wanted to die. She wanted to be with you. When the witch told her she was immortal, she flipped out and ran away from the Council building. Giles sent people after her, but they couldn’t find her. He had some of the witch’s from the Coven do a search for her, but every time someone got where she’d been, she’d already moved on. Every slayer, watcher and witch in the city was looking for her. When they got to several of the places, there was blood on the ground, Buffy’s blood. We kept looking for her, for three weeks. I don’t think she slept the entire time, if she did it could only have been for minutes at a time. When we found her she didn’t look like she’d eaten either, she was skin and bones.“
“She’d been gone twenty-three days when a team of slayers found her in a cemetery. She’d found a vampire, a fledgling coming out of it’s grave. You know how they are, crazy with the blood lust. She let it attack her and drain her. It tore her throat open in it’s frenzy for her blood. The slayers got there just as the vampire finished with her. They killed the vamp, checked her pulse and heart, and thought she was dead. They called for a car and took her body back to the Council building. I was with her, cleaning her up. She’d been wearing the same cloths since she ran away, she was filthy.”
“When we started washing her body we found where she had cut her arms and legs, fifty, sixty times. It looked like she had stabbed herself a dozen times too. She’d also tried to cut her own throat. I was washing the blood off her face and throat when I noticed that the wound from the vampire was healing up. She wasn’t breathing, and her heart wasn’t beating, her body was getting cold. We thought that she’d been turned. Giles was going to stake her, before she could ‘rise’. He was crying, but he knew that Buffy wouldn’t want to come back as a vampire. But I wouldn’t let him do it.”
“We finished cleaning her up, then tied her body up on the table and waited. In the morning, just as the sun came up, she started breathing and her heart started beating. It had taken her body all night to make enough new blood to live again. Giles had her moved to a psychiatric hospital before she woke up and had her restrained. When she finally did wake up and realized that she was still alive, she started screaming at all of us. Giles had her sedated. For two months every time they decreased the sedatives enough for her to think and talk, she either screamed at us or begged us to kill her.”
“They were pumping her full of antidepressants and gave her a bunch of shock treatments. When she stopped begging us to kill her a psychiatrist that knows about slayers started working with her. She was in the hospital for six months before they felt it was safe to let her go home. When she finally came home she started talking to me, about you and her. She’d told me a lot about the relationship the two of you had, before, after the Hellmouth, but this time she didn’t leave anything out. She was writing it all out in a journal, every detail that she could remember. She told me about how she had abused you and hurt you. How she had used you to make her feel something and then punished you for loving her. She told me how much she hated herself for using you. How she took all her hate and anger out on you. How she broke you. She told me that it was her fault that you had tried to rape her, that she had driven you to it.”
“Spike, she also told me that she loved you. She hated that you loved her, because she didn’t deserve to be loved, but she loved you for loving her too. When you left Sunnydale, she blamed herself. She told me that she always hurt the people she loved and always drove them away from her. She told me that she had promised herself that if you ever came back she’d never hurt you again. When you did come back and you were all crazy, she blamed herself for that too. She wanted to help you, but was afraid she’d just hurt you more. When she found out you had a soul, that you had gotten it for her, she became even more afraid of hurting you.”
Dawn had started crying halfway through what she had just told Spike and at this point she broke down completely. She wanted Spike to hold her, to sooth her, to make her feel safe. But she knew that this time she couldn’t turn to Spike. She had been watching him hold himself together by shear will power alone. She had seen the pain in his eyes turn to horror when she told him about Buffy letting a vampire drain her without fighting back. But she had seen him hold himself together, choke down his feelings and emotions, stay focused, just like she had asked him to. She knew there was more to tell and she needed to get herself back under control and do what needed to be done.
Spike sat watching Dawn cry and desperately wanted to reach out and help her, but he was barely holding himself together as it was. He knew that if he even touched her, he would break. Seeing Dawn get herself back under control, stop crying, and pulling herself back together so that she could continue, showed Spike just how strong ‘his girl’ had grown up to be. Seeing her like this, the courage she had, gave him the strength he needed to continue. It wasn’t the demon in him, or the Big Bad attitude, that gave him what he needed , it was Dawn.
When Dawn started talking again her voice was still a little shaky, but she had it under control and she wasn’t crying anymore. As she continued to talk her voice got stronger. “Spike, Buffy spent the next year writing her journals. She then spent six more months typing it into a computer and adding new stuff that she remembered later. When she was done she printed it all out and made copies of it. She gave one to Giles, one to Willow and one to me. She made a copy for Xander too, but I don’t think she ever sent it to him.”
“She wanted us to read it so that we would know the truth about her, and about how she felt about you. I don’t know what Buffy said to you this morning, but I’m certain that she told you that she loved you. But, whatever she said, apparently you didn’t believe her, or you couldn’t let yourself believe her, I don’t know which. But if you ever want to know the truth about how she feels about you, all you’d have to do is read about the last couple of weeks before the battle with ‘The Firsts’ army. Every thought she had about you, every feeling, everything she didn’t say to you because she was afraid to say it. It’s all in there Spike. Buffy loved you. Buffy still loves you.”
Dawn had let her head bend down as she told Spike this last part. She was looking at the floor between them instead of at Spikes face. She wanted to look at him. She wanted to see that he believed what she was saying. But she was afraid. She was afraid that she wouldn’t see what she wanted to see, that he believed her, and she knew that it would break her heart if he didn’t. Taking in a deep breath, and letting it out in a long sigh, Dawn started talking again.
“This next part is a little confusing and bounces around, but it’s the only way I know how to explain what happened next. Remember, when we all came here looking for you, after your fight with the S.P’s. It took a couple of days for us to track down where you had been living. As soon as Buffy got the address we went there. Buffy was hoping that if you had been injured you might have made it back to your place and were hiding out till you healed up. When we got there and you didn’t answer the door, Buffy kicked it open and we went in to search for you. Obviously you weren’t there, so we searched the place to see if we could find something that might tell us where you might be. While we were searching we found a notebook of poetry that you’d written, and that skull ring you had given to Buffy when the two of you were engaged, when you were under that spell that Willow did that time. When Buffy found the ring, she put it on her finger and has been wearing it ever since. She wears it with the skull turned under so that it looks like she’s wearing a wedding ring. That’s sort of how she sees it Spike, as a wedding ring. She’s also memorized all your poems, even the really bad ones. She memorized them because you wrote them, it’s all she had left of you.”
“Anyway, if you ever hear any stories about Buffy and a wedding ring, that’s what their referring to. The slayers, especially the younger ones, have made up all kinds of romantic stories about the two of you. Most of them have very little to do with facts. Mostly their about how much the two of you loved each other and how you died to save Buffy and the world at the Hellmouth. There’s even a story about how you came back to life, but had an evil spell on you that prevented you from letting Buffy know you were alive, and that you died again to save the world. The important part of that is that if anyone ever asks Buffy about you, if she really did love you, she always tells them that she did and that she still does. One of the old Watchers, one of the retired ones that wasn’t killed by the Bringers, asked her once how she could possibly love a vicious vampire like William the Bloody, Slayer of Slayers. Buffy told him that you were the most ‘noble man’ she had ever met and that she would always love you, ‘until the end of the world’.”
Dawn was watching Spike when she told him this last part and she saw the effect it had on him. When she’d said the words about being a ‘noble man’ he had started to smile. When she said that Buffy had told the old Watcher that she would love him ‘until the end of the world’, his eyes had shut tight and he had stopped breathing. Dawn hesitated to speak at this point, for fear that she might say something that would make Spike loose control of himself. She decided to wait quietly.
“I was one once, a nobleman” Spike rasped out quietly, he still had his eyes closed. “It was a minor title, inherited, didn’t do anything to deserve it. Died with me I guess, no heirs to pass it on to.”
When Dawn responded with “I know”, Spikes eyes opened and he stared at her quizzically.
“Buffy told me” Dawn said. “She spent a whole year tracing down your family tree. She told me once that if you were alive, and five or six hundred other noblemen all died at once, you could have been the King of England.”
That comment brought a smile to Spikes lips and after a few moments a quiet chuckle.
When Spike didn’t make anymore comments, Dawn decided to continue, but preempted it with a warning. “Spike, things are going to get really bad again.” She waited for a few moments until Spike nodded to let her know that he was ready. “Buffy finished her journal just before the fourth anniversary of your death at the Hellmouth, and the third anniversary of your fight with the S.P’s. Giles was very worried about that, as if it was some kind of signal. It had been almost two years since Buffys last suicide attempt, but with her finishing her journal and giving out copies of it, he was more than a little concerned. Willow came back from Brazil for a month, supposedly for a vacation, but it was really to be close to Buffy and to give her support. But Buffy didn’t seem upset or depressed. She actually seemed to be the happiest she’d been in years, maybe forever. I mean she wasn’t all party girl or anything like that, but she did seem happy.”
“About a month after Willow went back to Brazil, I walked in on Buffy while she was watching an old movie on the India TV network. When I asked her why she was watching a movie that she couldn’t understand the words to, she told me that she, Willow and Xander had use to watch movies like that together when they were in high school and had made up the words to the story as it went along. She said she thought it was funny and brought back old memories. She seemed so happy about it I didn’t think anything of it, I had homework to do for my classes at Oxford and left her alone with her movie. I found out later that in the movie a woman committed Su’tee, ritual suicide when a woman throws herself on the funeral fire of her dead husband.” Dawn looked closely at Spike to see if he’d guessed what was coming next.
“The next morning Buffy got up and dressed up real nicely. She fixed her hair and put on make-up and got dressed all in white, it was really a cute outfit. She had breakfast with Giles and me and said that she was going out later to enjoy the nice weather. After we were gone she waited an hour and went out to the gardeners shed. The gardener had gasoline in the shed for the lawnmower. Buffy poured gasoline all over herself and the shed and set herself on fire.” Dawns voice was shaking now as she relived the memory. Tears were in her eyes and she could see that Spike was in shock. She reached out and grabbed his hand, she needed to touch him, she needed his strength. Spike grabbed hold of Dawns hand and held on so tightly that the physical pain of his grip made Dawn gasp. Spike realized that he was hurting Dawn and tried to release her hand, but Dawn refused to let go of Spike. They both needed the physical contact to get through the next few minutes.
When Dawn had herself under control again and knew that Spike was in control of himself again, she started telling him the rest of the story. “It was Willow that saved Buffy, and almost killed herself doing it. It was almost ten in the morning when Buffy set herself on fire, which made it somewhere in the middle of the night in Brazil, I’m not certain of the time. But, anyway, when Buffy set herself on fire, Willow woke up screaming, she could feel Buffys pain. Without any preparation Willow transported herself from Brazil to inside the burning shed. Then again without preparation she snuffed out the fire and transported the shed and everything in it, except her and Buffy, to some other place. We never did find out where. Buffy was unconscious and Willow was passed out on the ground next to her. The power that Willow used was so powerful that it knocked out all of the Coven witches in the city and gave headaches to the rest of the Coven up in Devon. It jangled the nerves of all the slayers in the city and slayers all around the world felt it too. Luckily the jangled nerves of the slayers drew them to Buffy and Willow. Ambulances were called and both of them were taken to a hospital. Willow was unconscious for three days and she couldn’t do magic, even little spells, for almost a month without getting a headache.”
“Buffy was in a lot worse shape. Ninety percent of her body had third degree burns and the rest was second degree burns. Her eyes had been burned and she’d breathed fire down into her lungs. In places her skin was actually charred and all of her cloths were charred and burned into her flesh. Fortunately for her, if you want to call it fortunate, she was unconscious for the first week. That means she didn’t feel any of the initial pain of her burns and she didn’t feel it when the doctors had to remove the charred skin and clothing from her body. When she woke up, oxygen was being forced to her injured lungs and her entire body was wrapped up like a mummy. Another fortunate thing that happened was that as her body healed, the most important things healed first. By the end of the second week in the hospital her lungs had healed. After that it was just a long painful process while the rest of her healed. One of the unfortunate things that occurred was that the pain relievers that the doctors gave her didn’t work that well on her. Remember when I told you that I had seen burns like the one on your hand? Buffys whole body was like your hand, but even worse, and she felt the pain all the time. For over six weeks, until she re-grew new skin, she was in constant pain.”
Dawn had herself under control, mainly because talking about the aftermath of Buffys suicide attempt was easier for her than talking about the actual attempt. Dawn had always blamed herself for not realizing that Buffys behavior that morning had been way to cheerful and should have been recognized as a warning sign. The psychiatrist at the hospital had explained to Dawn and Giles that the reason Buffy had probably been in such a good mood since she finished writing her journal was because she had already made the decision on when and how she was going to kill herself and that with the decision made she had been experiencing a sense of euphoria. Looking at Spike, Dawn could see that he had himself under control. The listing of Buffys injuries had shocked him, but he had seen her and held her, so he knew that she was alright.
“Just so you know, there were some positive side effects from what happened to Buffy” Dawn told Spike with a small smile on her face. “One of the things that happen was about her scars. I told you that she had some really horrible scars from her earlier suicide attempts. After she grew back her new skin, all of the scars were gone. You must not have noticed, but all of the vampire bite marks are gone from her neck now. Her lungs healed up perfect and there isn’t any scar tissue in her lungs or throat. Buffy always had good eye sight, but after her eyes healed up their better than they were before. She has both better day vision and night vision. She can probably see as good as you can in the dark now.” A slight blush came to Dawns face, but it was accompanied by a smirky grin. “I know you know that Buffys not a natural blonde, or at least she didn’t use to be. When her hair grew back though, it all came back blonde, all of it.” The grin got even bigger as she continued “I guess you’ll just have to take my word for that though, unless you feel like doing some personal investigating of your own.” Watching Spikes face Dawn could have almost sworn that he had a slight blush.
“Oh, one other thing that happened. You know how Buffy was always worried about her weight and wouldn’t eat right. Well her body forces her to eat now. If she doesn’t eat her stomach starts making loud noises and if she still doesn’t eat she gets painful stomach cramps until she does eat. While she was in the hospital and the first couple of months after that, she started eating so much to stop the stomach pains she gained twenty-five pounds. She never did get fat, but she thought she did, so she started working out again, for the first time in four years. She’s probably in the best physical condition right now that she’s ever been in since she became a slayer. Of course, emotionally she’s a total basket case, and you’re the only one who can fix that problem.”
Dawn gave Spike a big smirky grin to emphasize what she had just said. Spike frowned at Dawn and started digging in his pockets for his cigarettes and ignored her until he had one lit up and had drawn in a lung full of smoke. When Spike looked back at her his face was under control and Dawn decided not to push the issue right then. She still had things to tell Spike and for all concerned what she had to tell him next was the most important part of what she’d been telling him.
“Okay, I’m almost done with the telling of ‘secret stuff’, but the next couple of things are really important for you to understand.” Dawn looked at Spike until he nodded his head and said to her “I’m still listening Bit, tell me what I need to know.”
“The healing process that Buffy went through was fast compared to what it would take a normal person, even a normal slayer. But it was painful, very painful. By the time they were ready to release her from the hospital for home care, Giles had already made arrangements to place Buffy back into a permanent psychiatric hospital unless she agreed to several conditions. One was to take her anti-depressants, two was to go back to seeing her psychiatrist and really talk about her emotional problems, and three was to promise to never attempt to kill herself again. Buffy agreed to the first two and promised to try to abide by the last one, but she couldn’t guarantee that part. Giles gave in on the third one, but told Buffy that he would lock her away for the next twenty years if he had to, to keep her from harming herself.”
“After Buffy got home she mostly laid around resting and eating, except for her trips to see her psychiatrist. When she started gaining weight and thought she was getting fat, she started going to the Council building and working out. Once she was back in shape Giles asked her to do a little training with some of the younger girls that had been found and brought to the Council for training to be slayers. In a few months it changed from helping out to a full-time thing. Buffy was training all of the young girls under sixteen, getting them ready to work with their Watchers and to take up their duties. When Buffy got herself up to full fitness she even started working out with some of the older slayers, teaching them things she had learned over the years when she was the one and only Slayer. Things were going pretty good for Buffy. No, she wasn’t a happy camper, no, she wasn’t her old self, whenever that was. But she was doing a lot better, even her psychiatrist thought so.”
“Buffy was doing so well that she had even started taking some of her older girls out on training patrols. It was almost like when she was training the potentials. I’d been going out on patrols with other slayers for a long time. When Buffy started taking her girls out I would tag along sometimes. I’d always wanted to patrol with Buffy, and here was my chance. She’d been doing this for months and had faced a number of vampires and had staked them, no problem. Then one night it all fell apart. There was this vampire and Buffy froze because she thought it was you. Spike, the vamp was shorter than you, he was fat, he wasn’t wearing a leather duster, there wasn’t anything about him that looked anything like you, except for one thing, he had hair like yours. I wasn’t really anything like yours either, it was just blonde, but it was curly, and Buffy froze. That was bad enough, but the really bad thing that happened was that one of the girls was carrying a crossbow and when the vampire got close and she saw that Buffy wasn’t going to do anything, the girl dusted him with the crossbow. When the vamp dusted, Buffy freaked and started to go after the girl. I saw what she was going to do and I knocked Buffy down. Buffy reacted and hit me. That seemed to snap her out of it, hitting me, but she also realized that she had only been a second or two away from attacking the girl. Buffy stopped training the girls and got real depressed again.”
“While Buffy was depressed she started spending a lot of time on the internet, just browsing mostly. Somehow she found a site about meditation and started reading stuff. For whatever reason she liked what she was reading and got deeper and deeper into the meditation. Then someone made a posting about some kind of deep meditation training and Buffy followed the link. From there it only took a few months more and Buffy learned the secret to overcoming her immortality. Buffy learned that if she meditated long enough and hard enough she could shut down her body and meditate herself to death. She could just make herself fade away.”
Dawn paused and took several deep breaths before continuing. “This is where I come into it again. I knew about Buffy doing meditation and had talked to Giles and to Buffys psychiatrist about it. Both of them didn’t see any harm in Buffy doing meditations, they both thought that it might help her. But the way Buffy was becoming obsessed with it had me worried. One night I woke up in the middle of the night feeling that something was really wrong. I went to Buffys room to check on her and she was sitting on the floor in a deep trance. I stood there watching for a few minutes, Buffy didn’t even know I was there. When I finally said something to her, she didn’t respond. That’s when I noticed that she was barely breathing and that her pulse had slowed down so low it was barely detectable. I started shacking her, trying to bring her out of it, but she wouldn’t come out. I smacked her in the face and she didn’t even notice. I kind of spazed out then. I didn’t know what to do, when it sort of came to me that I had to make Buffy want to protect me, save me from something.”
Dawn looked up at Spike and could see she had his full attention. “So I did this” saying this Dawn showed Spike both of her wrists and for the first time he noticed that there was a thin scar over both of her wrists. “Like I said, I spazed out and I ended up cutting both of my wrists and holding them against the sides of Buffys face while I screamed at her that I was going to die unless she saved me. I don’t know if it was my screaming that got through to her or if it was the smell of the blood that brought her out of the trance. But which ever one it was, it brought her out of it and when she saw me bleeding she immediately put pressure bandages on the cuts and stopped the bleeding. We called Giles and I had to explain why I cut myself. Giles didn’t think that what I’d done was the smartest thing I’ve ever done, but he didn’t fault me for the result. We later learned that if I had thrown cold water in Buffys face it would have worked even better.”
The look on Spikes face as he continued to look down at Dawns wrists made her want to cry. When she tried to hide her wrists from Spike he reached out quickly and pulled her from where she was kneeling and into his lap. He wrapped his arms around her and held on to her tightly. At first Dawn felt embarrassed and wanted to get off of Spikes lap, but after a few moments she let herself relax in his arms and let herself cry quietly. When the tears ceased, Spike reached up and wiped the last of them from her face. In a choked raspy voice he asked, “Tell me Bit, why’d you do that to yourself. There had to be a reason, more than saying you spazed out.”
“I really don’t know” Dawn whispered back. “It was sort of like a flash in my mind. I saw myself up on the tower bleeding and Buffy coming to rescue me. The next thing I knew I’d already cut myself and I was trying to make Buffy rescue me again.”
“Ah, Niblet. You spent to much of your time with a crazy vampire when you were young” Spike said to Dawn sadly. “You’ve gone an done the same kind of bloody nonsense I would have done, and I know your to smart of a girl for that. Promise me you’ll never do yourself harm again.”
Dawn sat in Spikes lap with his arms wrapped around her and thought about her answer. After a full minute or more she looked into his eyes and told him the truth. “Spike, I can’t make that kind of promise. First off, if I had to fight and die to save one of my friends, or the world, I’d do it. You’d do it too, and so would Buffy. There’s no point in arguing about that, that’s just the way we are. Second, if it came to giving up my life to save you or Buffy, I’d do that too. You and Buffy are the most important people in the world to me. If I had to die to save either one of you, I’d do it. You and Buffy have both already died for me, do you really think that I would do any less for you?”
After a brief pause, Spike let out a sigh and said quietly. “No Niblet, I don’t think you would. But if your going to go around fighting windmills, promise that you’ll at least think it through before you do something too bloody foolish. It would truly destroy me if you were to come to harm because of me.”
Dawn replied quickly. “I’ll make you a deal. You stop doing things to hurt yourself and come talk to me instead. I won’t do anything foolish to save you from harm unless there isn’t any other choice.”
Spike was about to agree, then hesitated. “The wording on that last sentence of yours is a bit ify, don’t you think, Bit?”
Dawn gave Spike a big smile. “Can’t blame a girl for trying.”
Spike returned her smile and told her “No blame given, Love. Why don’t we both just promise to love and take care for each other, and try not to do foolish things, and see how that works out.”
“That’s a promise I can keep” Dawn replied sincerely.
After a few more moments of holding on to each other, Dawn lifted her head from his shoulder and looked up at Spike. “After what Buffy almost did, Giles was ready to lock her up in a hospital again. But Buffy swore to Giles and me, and to her psychiatrist, that she hadn’t really been trying to kill herself. She told us that the guru, or whatever he was, that ran the web site on meditation she’d been going to, claimed that if a person could reach a certain ‘higher level’ of meditation it would be possible for them to leave their body and communicate with the spirits of the dead. Buffy told us that she was trying to find you, out in the spirit world, and be with you. She told us that she’d thought that if she couldn’t be with you in the real world that maybe she could spend time with you in the spirit world.”
The look on Spikes face was at first puzzled. But as he thought the situation through he realized the danger that Buffy had put herself in. Meditating deeply enough to induce an out of body experience, without a very strong anchor to the real world, she could have been lost forever.
Seeing that Spike had figured it out, Dawn continued speaking again. “See, that’s the big problem now. Buffy wasn’t trying to kill herself, she was trying to find you, in the spirit world. But what she actually ended up learning to do was to leave her body. Buffys body might be immortal, but if she could leave it behind, just fade away, she’d be gone. So it’s been sort of like Pandora’s Box for the last two years. Once the secrets out, you can’t put it back. Once Buffy learned how to meditate herself to a certain state, it’s become easier and easier for her to get there. We watch her all the time now, me, Giles and Willow. We even have some of the witch’s from the Coven and some senior slayers helping out. It still takes time for Buffy to meditate herself to a deep enough place to slip away, and we can break her meditation by throwing cold water in her face. But every time she does it, it takes less and less time.” Dawn let out a long sigh of breath and her shoulders slumped, as if she were very tired, or feeling very helpless. “Spike, we really don’t think Buffy is trying to kill herself anymore. We’ve all talked to her till we’ve turned blue, telling her we love her and that we need her to stay with us. But, sometimes she just seems to slip away, without even thinking about it. The last time she did it she was at the Council reading some reports and just faded out. If it hadn’t been for one of the witch’s walking in on her, we could have lost her.”
Dawn could see and feel how troubling this information was to Spike. She was still sitting in his lap and her face was less that a foot away from his. His eyes had dilated and she could read the fear in them. The arm he had around her waist had tightened it’s hold to the point of being painful, and the hand that had been resting on her thigh was gripping her so tightly that she knew there would be a bruise later. But Dawn didn’t flinch from the pain or try to pull away.
“Last night we almost lost her again. Joy saved her, twice.” Dawns words were like a blow to Spike. He flinched so hard he slammed his head against the wall behind him. He also tightened his grip on Dawn, which finally was more than she could take and moan of pain escaped her lips. The realization that he had just hurt Dawn snapped Spike out of his mental funk and he was overwhelmed with shame and remorse. He tried to break his contact with Dawn, to move her out of his lap. But Dawn held on to him tightly and wouldn’t let him.
“Spike, it’s okay, I’m alright,” Dawn told him forcefully “just listen to me.” When she was certain that he was paying attention, she continued. “Last night, when you told Buffy that she didn’t love you and ran off, she collapsed on the floor. She was so hurt, so full of pain, that she started to slip away. Joy felt her pain and was able to stop it and bring her back. I think that’s why Joy set up the situation where Buffy could hear what you were saying to me. Joy knew that Buffy needed to understand what you felt was true and she knew that you couldn’t tell her. Later, after you ran off again, Joy was able to keep Buffy calm and got her to go back upstairs. She seemed to be doing okay. Joy had told her that she would fix it so that the two of you could talk to each other, that she’d get a chance to talk to you. I don’t really know what happened, I was downstairs with some of the girls helping them out, when Kar-Hool and Joy brought her down and put her in your room to rest. Giles said that she’d been talking to Kar-Hool, Anne and Joy. When Kar-Hool started crying, for some reason, Buffy just faded out real fast. If Joy hadn’t been there, she might have been gone for good. That was about an hour before you tried to take a walk in the sun and Buffy had to stop you. After that she was with you, talking, telling you her side of things, telling you she loved you. Then you ran off again. Joy has been with Buffy ever since, keeping her from slipping away. That’s when I came looking for you.”
Dawn was still sitting in Spikes lap and was holding on to his jacket tightly. Her face was just inch’s away from Spikes and she could see the pain he was feeling in his eyes. “Spike, I don’t understand why you won’t believe Buffy when she tells you that she loves you. I really don’t. But, if you won’t believe Buffy, believe me. Buffy loves you.” When she said these last three words, a tear broke loose from Spikes right eye and ran down his face. “When you died at the Hellmouth, Buffy grieved for you Spike. She cried every night for months grieving for you. She told me that the reason your dying hurt her so much was that when she finally told you that she loved you, you didn’t believe her. That was when she first told me about the two of you and how much she had hurt you. How she had never told you how she felt about you until it was too late. But, everyone else was telling her that it was time for her to move on with her life. Giles told her that if you had given your life so that she could live, the least she could do is live the life you gave her. So Buffy pretended that she was better and she pretended that she was happy and she pretended that she had gotten over you and she pretended and pretended. But it wasn’t true Spike. She hadn’t gotten over you, she wasn’t happy, it was all a lie.”
Dawn watched more silent tears run down Spikes face and it hurt her to see them. “When Buffy found out you were alive, she tried to get to you as fast as she could, but she was to late. The fight with the S.P’s was over and apparently you were dead again. That’s when Buffy broke Spike. Finding out that you had come back to life and hadn’t let her know, she broke. She couldn’t live with it Spike. She couldn’t live with the thought that you had come back, and didn’t love her anymore. But somehow, someway, she convinced herself that you had only stayed away from her because you did love her. I think it was your poems that did it, the ones we found in your room. She could tell that a lot of them were old, but there were a lot of new ones too. She convinced herself that Angel was the reason that you’d never let her know you were alive. She blamed Angel, but she also blamed herself.”
The tears had continued to flow silently from Spikes eyes and run down his face. When he bent his head and sobbed, Dawns heart felt as if someone was squeezing it to the point of bursting. “For seven years she’s been grieving openly for you Spike. She stopped trying to hide it from others. She doesn’t care who knows that she loved you. For seven years she’s wanted to die so that she could be with you. To prove to you that she did, and still does, love you. Up until a day and a half ago she thought you were dead and that it was her immortality that was keeping the two of you apart. Giles didn’t even tell her the truth until he already had her on the plane coming here. He was afraid she’d run off blindly trying to find you, to be with you. But ever since she found out that you’ve been alive all this time, she can’t get it out of her head that maybe you don’t love her anymore. She can’t live with that Spike. She can’t live with the idea that you don’t love her. She wanted to die to be with you. If you don’t love her, she doesn’t want to be alive without you. Right now the only thing that’s keeping her anchored is Joy. Spike, I know you still love Buffy, I know you do. But if you don’t tell Buffy that you love her, if you don’t let her know soon, I don’t know how long Joy can keep her from fading away.”
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Warning: High Angst Alert. Tissues may be needed by some of you. :)