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No Warning: This chapter is pretty much Angst Free. (Mostly) ;)
Reunions / Part 36

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Spike sat with Dawn still in his lap, his head bent as silent tears ran down his face. Confusing thoughts raced through his mind, thoughts that hurt beyond measure, thoughts that urged the fragile seed of hope to grow. Thoughts of his willingness to do anything for Buffy, to die for her, to stay away from her, to do whatever would make her life happy.

He thought of those last moments in the Hellmouth as the amulet burned him to ashes and brought the whole of Sunnydale crashing down. How he had laughed with joy at the thought that ‘this time’ he had saved her, ‘this time’ Buffy would live. He thought of his sudden return, as a ghost, in Angels office. Of his inability to contact or go to Buffy, his feelings of helplessness. Thoughts of Angel refusing to help him, refusing to help Spike intrude into Buffys life again, to spoil her chance at happiness. The memory of regaining his physical body, how he had grabbed hold of the first person available, Harmony, and attempted to have sex with her, to feel alive again. The shame and remorse that had flooded through him later, feeling that he had betrayed Buffy by his actions.

Remembering how he had battled inside himself, wanting to go to her, be with her, mixed with thoughts of despair, thinking that having died for her, to give her a chance to be happy, how could he step back into her life and bring her pain. The memory of Andrew telling him that Buffy was living in Rome and had moved on with her life, without him, and that she was happy. Going to Rome with Angel and seeing Buffy at a distance, seeing how happy she seemed to be with her new life, without him. His decision to do what was right, not what he wanted, to stay away and not let Buffy know he was back. Making Andrew promise not to tell her, to keep the secret, to not hurt Buffy again.

The memory of learning from Mar-Hool, after the battle with the S.P’s demon army, as he was being healed, that his soul was gone, had been burned out of him by the amulet at the Hellmouth. Confusion over why he hadn’t even realized it was gone. Certain knowledge that ‘now’ he could never let Buffy know he was alive, without a soul, without a chip, without redemption. His vow to himself to never betray Buffy again, her belief that he could be ‘a good man‘, even though he wasn’t a man, just a soulless monster. Holding on to his feelings of shame, guilt, and remorse. Using them in place of a soul, to guide him to do right, to do good, to not be just a soulless monster ever again.

The memory of his early days with Tyron, helping to save the children, the homeless, the helpless. Helping to save them from the monsters in the night, monsters like him. Doing everything he could, to make up for his past sins. Defending the helpless, the innocent, those in need, human or demon alike. Trying every day to be a good man, to do what was right. Slowly making friends, with humans and demons, using these friendships to build up a network of mutual friendship between them. Finding Joy. Finding trust, acceptance, love. Letting himself love Joy, his children, his friends. Learning to build a new life, without Buffy.

But always with Buffy in his heart and his mind. Using thoughts of her to guide him to do what was right, in place of a soul. Using his guilt, shame, and remorse over what he had tried to do to her, how he had hurt her, as a way to strengthen himself against the evil he knew was inside of him. Always trying to do the right thing. Always feeling he could have, should have, done better, done more. Always trying to be what Buffy had wanted him to be, a good man.

For seven years, eight if you counted time from the destruction of the Hellmouth, he had tried to do what was right, for Buffy. Not always what he wanted to do, but what was right. Every day he’d thought of her. Thought of the times he had spent with her, both good and bad, and how those moments had made his unlife worth living. Every day he thought of the horror of those few minutes in her bathroom, what he tried to do, how he had hurt her. Every day he thought of those last weeks together. Trying to be there for her, to give her his support, his strength, his soul, trying to make amends. Confessing his continued love for her, but telling her he didn’t expect anything from her in return. Seeing her with Angel, finally accepting the futility of hope. Spending that last night with her, accepting her gift of letting him love her for a final moment. Hearing her say she loved him as he burned within, knowing it wasn’t true, that it was just a final gesture. Telling her he knew it wasn’t true, but thanking her for saying it. Not wanting to die with a lie of hope in his heart. Not wanting Buffy to remember that their final moment together was a lie. Every day he thought about how Buffy had moved on with her life, had found happiness, was living the life she had always wanted. Every day, every month, every year that went by, the thought of her being happy gave him the strength to go on, the courage to continue with his determination to keep his return a secret. Every day his love for her had remained a constant within his heart.

Now, everything was different, and he didn’t know how to deal with the changes. Learning from Willow that Buffy had grieved for him after the Hellmouth had actually brought a slight sense of happiness to his heart. Happiness from the thought that she’d had some feelings for him. But learning from Dawn of the depth of her grief and that she had felt compelled to hide it, to pretend to be happy for her friends, that tore at his heart.

Learning from Dawn that while he lay deep below the surface in the caves of the Hool, protected by strong magic spells against detection, Buffy had driven herself and all those with her to search the city for him. Months after his injuries, when he was again able to return to the surface, he had been told that a search had taken place for him after the battle. He had always assumed that it was the minions of the Senior Partners that had searched for him. The thought that Buffy would search for him, or that Rupert Giles would allow so many others to help in the search, had never crossed his mind.

Having Dawn tell him of Buffy’s grief, depression and suicide attempts was beyond his ability to understand. Being told of her open admission of love for him was beyond his ability to believe. Buffy had never openly admitted to having any feelings for him, and now he was suppose to believe that after his apparent death she wanted to die to be with him. None of this made any sense to Spike. For him to behave in such a way, that he could understand. God knows that after Buffys death, if it hadn’t been for Dawn and his promise to protect her, he would have walked into the sun. But to hear that Buffy had acted in a similar manner was beyond comprehension. Now Dawn tells him that if he doesn’t love Buffy, if he doesn’t let Buffy love him, she will let herself fade away, die.

It’s to much, to much, to much. Loving Buffy had always been the easiest, and the hardest, thing for him to do. The memory of his first dream about Buffy, the dream where he first realized he was in love with her, flashed through his mind. From that day on his life had changed so much, he’d changed so much. Memories of the thousand and one things about her that made him love her so much paraded through his mind. The laugh, the smile, a tear, the lost look in her eyes. So many things that made him love her. These thoughts were followed by memories of her anger, her hate, the abuse, the rejection of his feelings, of his love for her. But all these memories, both the good and the bad, were all part of the whole memory of Buffy, the Buffy he loved and would always love, until the end of the world.

Thoughts of the years he’d stayed hidden from her, not wanting her to know he was alive, or undead, marched forward. Thinking that she had moved on with her life and that she was happy, that’s how he’d survived these past years. Now being told that she hadn’t been happy, that she hadn’t moved on with her life, that she had been depressed and suicidal, that she had wanted to die, and that it was all his fault.

No, not fair, no one had said it was his fault. No one had blamed him. But no one had told him the truth either. Dawn had wanted to, but he hadn’t let her. The others hadn’t wanted him to know, they wanted their secrets. No, not fair, he’d heard them talking, they’d said the secrets were Buffy’s, not theirs to tell. What would Buffy think when she found out he knew? What if she hadn’t wanted him to know? She hadn’t said anything to him about it. Of course he hadn’t given her a chance to either, he’d run away from her again, he’d hurt her again. God, what should he do? What could he do? Was there even a choice?

***

Dawn had sat in Spikes lap staying quiet. She’d watched the tears run down his face and drip down onto his chest. She’d wanted to say something, do something, to sooth him, to make him feel better, but she didn’t know what. Dumping everything on him all at once hadn’t been fair and she knew it. But what choice had she had? Spike had to know the truth or Buffy was going to die. Dawn knew that Spike loved Buffy and she knew that Buffy loved Spike. Why couldn’t the two of them realize it and just get on with loving each other? God, loving someone the way the two of them loved each other was so painful. The thought flashed through her mind that she hoped she never loved anyone that much, it would kill her. This thought was immediately followed by the realization that the first thought was a lie. More than anything she hoped that someday she would meet someone who would love her as much as Spike loved Buffy and that she would have the chance to return that love in the same way.

After the tears had stopped and Spike had continued to stare down at nothing, Dawn became concerned that he was brooding. Brooding as far as Dawn was concerned was really bad for vampires, with or without souls. She also realized that it was getting late and that she had been away from Buffy for to long. Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly helped her to stay calm and focus. “Spike, what time is it” she asked quietly?

Spike lifted his head and looked at Dawn, his eyes slightly out of focus. It took him several moments to bring things back together and process her question. Tilting his head to one side he looked over at the open doorway leading outside and thought for a few moments. “Getting toward noon I’d think” his voice a raspy whisper.

“We’d better go then” Dawn said as she lifted her hand and gently brushed her fingers across the side of his face. “We need to get back. I forgot to tell you, Kar-Hool wanted me to remind you, his father is due soon.”

“Oh? Yeah, Mar-Hool. Kind of slipped my mind with everything else going on” Spike said, his voice still a little raspy. “Wouldn’t be right to insult him, not being there, he’s a good one.”

Spike gave Dawn help getting out of his lap and standing up, she in return gave him a hand getting to his feet. Both of them stood there for a few moments feeling a little wobbly on their feet. Dawn walked over to the door leading outside and closed it, locking it. Spike waited for her at the doorway leading out into the warehouse. As soon as they were together Dawn slipped one arm around his waist. Spike raised his arm and wrapped it around her shoulder. Together, hip to hip, they walked back into the warehouse, back to rejoin the others.

After just a minute or so, Spike looked over to Dawn with an open question in his eyes. He gave her shoulder a squeeze to draw her attention and when she looked over at him, he asked in a serious tone of voice “Niblet, tell me, why the stake?”

Dawn blushed a dark red and hung her head to hide her face. In a hesitant voice she replied “Cause I’m stupid.”

Dawn realized that wasn’t an honest answer and lifting her head she looked over at Spike with a crooked smile of embarrassment, then told him the truth. “Spike, I’m not stupid. I’ve got a double masters degree from Oxford and I’m working on my Ph.D.. I’m fluent in a dozen dead and modern languages, both human and demon, and I’m near fluent in a dozen more. But whenever I’m around you it seems like I’m fourteen again and I do stupid things.” Dawn looked into Spikes eyes and could read in them that he excepted what she’d said, but wanted the rest of the answer. “I don’t know why, but somehow I got it in my head that I needed to have a stake in my hand when I talked to you. It wasn’t to hurt you, honest.” Dawn could see that Spike believed her. “It was more like I thought that I’d have to threaten you to make you talk to me. But I wouldn’t have used it Spike, never.” Letting out a big sigh, Dawn continued “So, like I said, sometimes I’m just stupid, and I don’t know why.”

They walked on for another minute before Spike finally spoke. “It’s because of Buffy, and the comfort zone.” Dawn looked over at Spike with a puzzled look on her face, clearly not understanding. Spike stopped and dropping his arm from around Dawns shoulder he moved in front of her and took both of her hands into his. He then took a deep breath and explained as he looked into Dawn eyes. “You know I love you, right?” Dawn nodded her head “and you love me. You also know that I love Buffy, more than life itself.” When Dawn nodded her head in agreement again, Spike continued with his explanation. “So we found a comfort zone. A place where it’s alright for us to love each other. When I look at you, I don’t see you as a gorgeous young woman that under any other circumstances might tempt me to the steamy side of my nature, I see my Niblet, the fourteen year old girl I took care of one summer and learned to love like a sister. When you look at me, you see this romantically handsome bloke with a Big Bad attitude that’s in love with your sister and treats you like a person instead of a little girl, and that you think of as a big brother.”

“More like a big bother” Dawn snarked back. Spikes let himself slip into a frown, but his eyes were happy, so Dawn knew she hadn’t really hurt his feelings.

“See, that’s what I’m talking about, Bit” Spike said with a smile on his face. “We’ve got this safe place between us that makes it alright for us to love each other, our comfort zone.”

“Okay, I can see what your saying and your probably right” Dawn said with a thoughtful look on her face. “But it still doesn’t explain why I keep acting like an idiot around you.”

“Not like an idiot, Love. Like a fourteen year old girl” Spike said as he gave both of Dawns hands a reassuring squeeze. “We’ve been apart so long that we just slipped back into our old comfort zone, that’s all. Once we find a new one, with you being all grown up and womanly and me not so much the Big Bad with an attitude, we’ll be fine again.”

Dawn thought about what Spike had said for a few moments and then asked, “Do we have to give it all up? The snarks, the attitude, teaching me how to cheat at cards, hotwiring cars, shoplifting, breaking and entering, the fun things?”

“I hope you never told Buffy about that stuff, that’d be reason enough for her to stake me” Spike said with a crooked grin on his face.

“No, I never told her, but I did teach her how to cheat at cards” Dawn said with a big smile on her face. “So if you ever play with her, you’ve been warned.”

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