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Reunions / Part 37

***************

Spike led Dawn back to his living quarters by a way known to only him and his children. Through a hidden trapdoor, down a ladder, through a dark passageway with walls so close together they had to move sideways, and out of a hidden door that led into a small room that connected to the area set up as a wash room. Coming through the back door of the living area they found that a number of his children were present, still getting dressed for the party to come. When the children saw Spike, all of them present stopped what they were doing and moved over to him to see if he was alright. Rumors had been passed around about how upset he had been earlier in the night and that morning. They all wanted assurances that he was unharmed.

As Dawn stood a little to the back watching, Spikes adopted children of the streets gathered around him. The younger children moved in closest, needing to touch him to be certain he was alright. Spike knelt down on his knees and touched a cheek, brushed his fingers through hair, gave a hug or a kiss, whatever the individual child needed for reassurance. He spoke to them quietly, speaking their names or calling them pet or love, smiling, laughing, for some making faces, whatever the child needed. For some of these children Spike was the only parent they remembered. For others he was the only one they wanted to remember. The love he gave to them as a group, and individually, made them feel safe.

Dawn watched Spike as he interacted with the children and marveled, not for the first time, at how at ease he was with them, and they with him. Memories of that summer after Buffy died on the tower came back to her. How everyone else, Willow, Tara, Xander and even Giles, had given her hugs and easy reassurances that everything would be fine, that she would be safe. Spike had barely spoken to her when the others were around, but always he kept his eyes on her, watching over her. It was only when they were alone that he let his guard down, a little, letting her see the concern for her in his eyes. Spike could see the pain she was feeling over the loss of Buffy, and she could recognize the same pain in him, but they didn’t talk about it.

Day by day the tension between them held, until the night a week after Buffys death, when Dawn woke up screaming and crying. Spike had apparently been outside when he heard the scream. In less than a minute he had climbed up the side of house and had entered her room through the window. Before Willow and Tara could get out of bed and down the hall to Dawns room, Spike was holding Dawn in his arms, speaking softly, making soothing sounds, letting her cry her heart out. When Willow had opened the door and saw Spike holding Dawn she had frozen. At first it was shock, followed by fear. It was only when Spike had turned his face toward her that she had seen the tears running down his face. Tara had seen the tears too, and before Willow could enter the room, Tara had pulled her back and closed the door behind them.

The next morning when they opened the door quietly, they saw Spike kneeling on the floor next to Dawns bed. His upper body was splayed across the bed, he was sleeping, but Dawns hand was held protectively in his. When Tara saw that Dawn was awake and continued to hold Spikes hand, as if she were now soothing him, protecting him, she made Willow leave the room without disturbing the two of them. After that night the two of them had grown closer and closer. Dawn could turn to Tara for the soft, warm, mothering kind of attention that she needed at times, but it was Spike who made her feel safe.

Dawn understood how important feeling safe was to a child. Watching Spike with his children, the way his attention to each of them made them feel loved and protected, feel safe, was clearly written on the faces of all of them. Even now, as a grown woman, being with Spike gave Dawn a feeling of safety that no one else could give to her. Dawn knew that Buffy would do anything for her to keep her safe, even die for her. But knowing that someone would die for you didn’t always make you feel safe.

With a sigh Dawn walked away from Spike and his children and entered his little room. Once inside she found her black and red silk corset, and stripping off her cutoff t-shirt, she put it on. Finding her comb and make-up case she quickly ran the comb through her hair and put on fresh lipstick. She then tied the red sash around her waist, put on her leather bolero jacket and as a final touch she clipped the red streaming ribbons to her hair. When she exited the room she was dressed the same as the first night that she had come to see Spike, like a sexy pirate girl from an old movie.

As Dawn approached Spike she could see that all of the younger children were back to getting dressed and ready for the party. Several of the older kid, the ones who stood guard and fought alongside Spike, were standing with him talking. Just as Dawn got close, one of the girls, Linda, pulled up the front of her shirt and started pealing what looked like a large bandage off her stomach. But it wasn’t a bandage. Instead it was a pouch with a bag of blood inside of it. Not having any electricity anywhere in the warehouse for a microwave, the older kids would carry the blood that Spike needed for food taped to their stomachs to bring the blood up to body temperature. Dawn knew instinctively that Spike had never asked his children to do this for him. She also knew that the children did it out of love for him. A second girl, Rosa, had a mug ready and a pair of scissors. As soon as the blood pack was out of the pouch, Rosa clipped off a corner of the pack and Linda poured the blood into the mug Rosa was holding. Once all the blood was in the mug, Rosa handed it to Spike and he didn’t hesitate to start drinking it.

Realizing that this was the first time that she’d seen Spike drinking blood in the past three days, and seeing how at ease he was as he drank the blood in front of his children, brought back memories to Dawn. She remembered how Spike had avoided drinking blood in front of her until the time she had asked him to let her taste it. She’d only taken a small sip and had made faces and acted all grossed out about it, but after that he drank his blood in front of her. She’d still acted grossed out at times and he would sometimes make faces and smack his lips, but both of them had known that she hadn’t really minded about the blood.

It was only after he’d come back with a soul that he’d refused to drink blood in front of her. Of course a big part of his reluctance back then had been because she had been mad at him and he didn’t want to give her more reasons to be upset with him. Thinking about that time made Dawn feel sad. Mainly the sadness was due to the way she had treated him back then, but also because of the wall that had been built up between them. Dawn could never think of those days without regret. But things were better now, between her and Spike. He knew she loved him now, so nothing was going to come between them again. As she watched, Linda walked over to a cooler that Dawn hadn’t noticed before. Opening the cooler, Linda retrieved a fresh packet of blood and after putting it inside the pouch she lifted her shirt and retaped the pouch to her stomach.

Dawn stepped up next to Linda and hesitantly asked, “Could I carry one of those too, for Spike?”

Linda hesitated for a moment, then squatting down she picked up a spare pouch from the floor and taking a pack of blood out of the cooler she put the pack inside the pouch and handed it to Dawn. “It’s only pigs blood, and we can only carry it like this for a day before it goes bad. But he likes it better this way, warm I mean. He’ll drink it cold, but it really tastes icky that way.”

Dawn smiled at Linda as she sucked in her stomach and stuffed the pouch up under the front of her corset. The cold blood pack made her skin rise up with goose bumps, but after a few moments she got use to it. “Yeah, I know, about him liking it warm I mean. I use to fix it for him, when he use to take care of me, when I was younger. Sixty second on half power in the microwave was perfect. He use to like a little burba weed mixed with it, said it made it all hot and spicy, taste better. If you don’t have any, maybe I could get some from Willow?”

A smile immediately spread across Linda’s lips and her eyes lit up. “Yeah, really? That’d be great” she said. Linda pursed her lips and crinkled her nose as a memory crossed her mind. “I tried it once, tasted the blood I mean, just to see what it was like, it was gross.”

Dawn smiled at her before speaking, “Yeah, me too.”

The girls smiled at each other as they shared a memory of something that they had both experienced and at the same time they both said “Yuck” and broke out into laughter.

***

When Spike first fled the room Buffy was in he’d immediately been blocked from leaving the larger living area by Joy. Instead of trying to move around her, he’d scooped her up in his arms, thinking of taking her with him. As soon as she was in his arms she sent the information into his mind that the others were now aware that he was soulless. He paused briefly at the doorway and looking over at them could see the shock that was still on their faces. As he looked at Dawn a stab of pain passed through him. He stepped through the doorway and started hurriedly down the hallway, not knowing where he was going, just needing to get away.

Joy had been trying to calm him and speak to him inside his mind, but his emotions were in such a state of turmoil that she couldn’t reach him. In desperation she finally had to force her way and shout inside his mind, *FATHER, STOP!*

Spike had immediately come to a halt. His mind was still in turmoil, but Joy had broken through. *She needs me Father. She is filled with pain. I have to go to her. Father, let me help her.*

A wave of guilt washed over Spike and tears came to his eyes. Once again he had hurt Buffy. Once again he had brought pain into her life. So much pain that Joy felt compelled to go to her to help her. More waves of guilt washed over him as his tears broke free and ran down his face. He gently set Joy down on her feet and turning started to walk away. Inside his mind he heard *Father, she needs you too!* But the guilt was to great and he broke into a run.

**

When Joy reentered the room, Buffy was on her knees crying and Dawn was holding her in her arms trying to sooth her. She paused for a moment to study the others gathered around Buffy. She could sense the love and concern of the others as they stood helplessly watching Buffy cry.

The oldest one, ‘Giles’, the one that felt like ‘Father’ inside the minds of the others, was barely holding on to himself. His fear of losing his ‘Beloved Daughter’ was screaming inside his mind. The love he felt for her was so strong, so much a part of his life, that Joy could feel that if Buffy were to die he would be broken. She could feel that his will to live was linked to Buffys life. That without her in his life he felt he would have no purpose or reason to go on. Even this ‘Council’ that was so much a part of his life would not be enough, not without Buffy.

The dark haired woman, the one named ‘Faith’. Joy could feel that there was a dark place inside her, one filled with pain and remorse, a need for absolution. The bond of love between her and Buffy felt like ‘Sisters’, but her need for ‘forgiveness’ made her afraid to voice such a claim, she felt ‘unworthy’ of Buffys love. She did not understand that Buffy had forgiven her long ago, without exception. Faith needed Buffy as much as she needed the man who loved her, Buffy was the light to the path she followed, the man helped her to follow the path.

The black man, named ‘Robin’, his feelings for Buffy were strong, but it was the love of a ‘Friend’. His true love was reserved for Faith. His greatest concern was for what the death of Buffy would do to the one he loved. His greatest need was to protect Faith from the darkness that the death and loss of Buffy could bring back into her life. Faith had traveled the road to darkness once and had nearly lost herself, his need was to protect her from that road again.

The tall man, named ‘Xander’, his love for Buffy was strong, it pulsed like the beating of his heart. The bond of love between them felt like ‘Sister/Friend’, but more than that too. There was a link between them, as if their lives were tied together. There was confusion also, he could see and feel the fear of the others, but didn’t know why it was there. He could feel Buffys pain and felt pain of his own for her in his heart. He did not seem to understand that Buffy could fade away. He did not know her ‘secret’.

The witch, the one named ‘Willow’, her love for Buffy was like a bright burning flame. The bond of love between them felt like ‘Sister/Friend’, but again, much more than that. The link between them was strong, very strong, their lives were closely tied together. Joy could feel the need within her to ‘fix’ things for Buffy, but the understanding that she could not do so. Joy could sense the ‘guilt’ that hovered at the back of Willows mind, she had tried to fix things in the past, only to make things worse. But her feelings of ‘helplessness’ was fueling a growing level of distress within her.

The one named ‘Dawn’, her bond of love to Buffy was the strongest, and the most complex, it felt like ‘Mother/Sister/Daughter’. Every breath she took fueled the love in her heart. Every beat of her heart made the bond between them grow. Every moment in time made the link between them stronger. Dawn could not imagine her life without Buffy in it, nor did she want to, not again. Dawn and Buffy were tied together by a love for each other that was so strong that Joy could sense that it was the link between them that was keeping Buffy from letting go of her life force.

Kar-Hool was also in the room and Joy could read his concern for Buffy. He did not know her, they were not friends, but his concern was real. Kar-Hool knew of the love his ‘Brother’ felt for Buffy and was greatly concerned about what her possible death would do to him.

Joy walked around the group with none of them being aware of her presence. She studied all of them, looking for their strengths and weaknesses. Focusing her will she opened her mind and was able to see the links that tied all of these people together. They were like colored strings that reached out from each of them to each other and tied them all into a web that was linked back to Buffy. She then moved behind Buffy and placed one hand on her back, directly behind her heart, the other hand on her head. From this position she could now see the strings of golden light that reached out from Buffy to all those she loved. Focusing her will again, she started drawing the love and desire for Buffy to live from everyone in the web into Buffy, giving to her the love she needed and reinforcing her own desire to live. The amazing part of this process was that the more love and desire to live that Buffy drew into herself from those she loved, the more love and peace of mind she fed back out to those she loved. They all seemed to grow stronger and more stable, no one was diminished by this sharing. Once Joy was confident that Buffy was strong enough to resist fading away on her own, she relaxed her will and let things return to normal. It was only then that the others became aware of her presence.

Willow was the first to notice Joy and understand what she had just done for all of them. She could see that Buffy had stopped crying and that she was calmer now. Dawn had kept her hold on Buffy, but was leaning back a little as she gazed at her face. Both of them were smiling at each other. Willow stepped up to them and laid one of her hands gently on one of Buffys arms. Buffy looked up at her and shared her smile with her. The others in the group were soon gathered around them, each of them reaching out to touch Buffy. The links between all of them seemed to grow stronger as they touched.

One of the advantages of what Joy had just done was that she now knew all of them well enough to communicate with them telepathically, just as she could with ‘Father’ and all the others that she knew well enough. She could read their surface thoughts without prying and could feel their love and relief as they touched Buffy.

Looking up at Willow she caught her eye, then Giles. Speaking inside their minds she said, *‘Grandfather‘, ‘Sister‘, you need to tell ‘Brother’ of the ‘secrets’ he does not know. It will make him stronger if he knows of them. Not knowing lessens the strength he carries in his heart.* Seeing and feeling their reluctance to leave Buffys side, she smiled at them and spoke inside their minds again. *I will stay with ‘Mother’, she will not be alone.* Looking up at them she heard both of them agree to do as she asked. When they approached Xander and tried to lead him out of the room to talk, he was reluctant to leave. Joy touched his mind and spoke to him, * ‘Brother’, please go with them, they need to tell you of important things. I will stay with ‘Mother’, she will be safe with me.* The initial shock of having Joy inside his mind passed quickly for Xander. Looking down at her as she kept her hands on Buffy, Xander knew that Joy would keep Buffy safe. The three of them, Giles, Willow and Xander, turned and left the room to talk.

Joy next turned her attention to Faith and Robin. Speaking inside their minds, she said *’Sister’, ‘Brother’, your family has become worried. I need for you both to go upstairs to reassure them that ‘Mother’ is alright.* Both Faith and Robin accepted Joy speaking to them inside their minds without any problem, both having had similar experiences with Willow in the past. Neither of them even thinking to comment on the reference to Buffy as ‘Mother’.

Robin easily understood that with all that had happened this past night the others in their group probably were getting worried about the absence of Buffy. This would be mainly due to the fact that the last they had seen of her she was being carried down below by Kar-Hool, with Joy, Dawn, Giles, Willow, Xander, Faith and Robin following after her, and that was several hours ago. Faith also understood the situation, but she was reluctant to leave. Joy could read the anxiety Faith was feeling at the thought of not being there if Buffy needed her. Reaching out and taking Faiths hand, Joy spoke into her mind *‘Mother’ will be safe with me ‘Sister’, I will not let her come to harm.* Still feeling the reluctance to leave Buffy in Faiths heart, Joy spoke to her again *’Mother’ needs to know that the rest of her family is alright. You can do this for her ‘Sister’, she trusts you to care for the others as you care for her.* As Joy spoke to Faith in her mind, she opened up a link to Buffy that allowed Faith to feel the love and trust that Buffy felt for her. A smile came to Faiths lips and tears of true happiness formed in her eyes.

Faith blinked away her tears, but the smile remained. Kneeling down on the floor next to Buffy and reaching out with one hand to touch her arm, she drew her attention. Faith looked into Buffys eyes and spoke softly “I’ll take care of things B, me and Robin. Will go upstairs and make sure everyone knows your okay.” Buffy looked back into Faiths eyes and gave her a smile as she spoke, “I know you will Faith”, then added “I love you.” The smile on Faiths face got bigger and this time the tears escaped her eyes. Standing up and quickly wiping away the tears, Faith grabbed Robins hand and led him from the room, glancing back once to smile at Buffy again as she went out the door.

With Joy calmly giving directions inside her head, Dawn got Buffy on her feet and walked her back to Spikes little room. A small overnight bag that Buffy had packed with a change of cloths had been brought down with her when Kar-Hool and the others had brought Buffy down to Spikes room hours earlier. With Kar-Hool standing outside guarding the door, Dawn and Joy got Buffy to change her cloths to something cleaner. Dawn had left the room for a few minutes to fetch a small plastic pail of warm water so that Buffy could wash her face and hands. Dawn helped comb out Buffys hair and helped her with her make-up. The strain of the past couple of days could still be seen in Buffys eyes, but she looked better than she had looked earlier and gave them both smiles of gratitude.

Stepping out of Spikes little room, Joy started speaking inside the minds of Kar-Hool, Dawn and Buffy. Calmly she asked Dawn to go look for ‘Father’ and convince him to come back with her. Kar-Hool asked Dawn to remind his ‘Brother’ that Mar-Hool, High Priest of All the Hool, Clan Chief of the Hool-Mar, and also Kar-Hools father, would be arriving soon and Spike was needed to greet him on his arrival. Joy assured Dawn that she would care for Buffy and that Kar-Hool would keep them both safe until ‘Father’ returned. Buffy had listened to both Joy and Kar-Hool and understood that Dawn was going to look for Spike. Taking one of Dawns hands Buffy quietly asked Dawn to find Spike and to convince him to come back and talk to her. Dawn gave Buffy a hug and told her that she would find Spike and tie him up and drag him back to Buffy if she had too. Buffy knew that Dawn was only teasing her and responded with a smile.

Once Dawn left the room Joy could feel the level of distress starting to build inside of Buffy. Taking both of Buffys hands in her hands Joy started sending Buffy calming thoughts. Buffy wasn’t certain how long they stood there holding hands and looking into each others eyes, but the sense of security that spread through her reminded her of how she felt when Spike held her in his arms.

**

When Dawn left Buffy the first place she went was the warehouse area where everyone else was gathered. Arriving there she immediately told Giles and everyone else that gathered around her that Buffy was fine now and would be up to join them shortly. She told them that she was going to go find Spike and bring him back, and that she was going to tell him all of the secrets that had been withheld from him. Giles didn’t even hesitate in agreeing with her decision, which made Dawn feel much better about the whole situation and her fears of how Giles and the others were going to react to Spike now that they knew he no longer had a soul.

*

When Dawn left on her search for Spike, Giles stood for long minutes looking off in the direction she had gone, thinking hard about Spike. Giles inwardly cringed when he thought about his ‘Watcher’ reaction when Kar-Hool had first called Spike a champion after killing his first slayer. The anger he had felt when he called Spike a murderer for killing a slayer was instinctive and completely inappropriate under the circumstances. The fear that had gripped him when he learned that Spike was soulless was another example. Instinctively he reacted in a way that had him climbing to his feet to go to Buffys assistance. If Dawn hadn’t knocked him back to his seat and forced him to think before he reacted there was no telling how much damage he might have done to the whole situation.

Giles knew, deep inside of himself, that Spike was different from all other vampires, even more different than Angel. Angel without a soul was a psychotic monster that would have thought nothing of destroying the world and all the people in it, even if destroying the world would have eventually destroyed himself. Spike without a soul wanted the world to continue, primarily for his own survival, but also for a number of other reasons, not all of them selfish or self-serving. As a soulless vampire Spike had aligned himself with Buffy to defeat Angelus. Granted it was for selfish reasons, but still it was something that no other vampire would have even considered. He had at a later time helped, although reluctantly and again for selfish reasons, to defeat Adam and his demon forces. Giles had admitted to himself much later, and very reluctantly, that if Spike hadn’t guarded their backs while they were involved in the spell that gave Buffy the strength to defeat Adam, they all would have died.

When Spike had allowed himself to be tortured by Glory and had still refused to tell her that Dawn was the ‘Key’ she was looking for, that should have told Giles that there was more to Spike than he had previously acknowledged. But he had refused to accept this fact and had marked it up to ‘vampire obsession’ with Buffy and had convinced himself that Spike had only done it to win his way into Buffys favor. When Spike had nearly died trying to save Dawn on the tower, Giles mind was so filled with the pain of Buffys death that he had dismissed it without a thought. Even in the months after Buffys death when Spike had fought along side of Giles and the others, protecting them in many cases, Giles had still refused to acknowledge that Spike was behaving far beyond the norm for a soulless vampire. Giles had insisted to himself and to the others that Spikes behavior was only due to his having a ‘chip’ in his head that prevented him from harming humans. Giles had insisted to himself that Spikes behavior was selfish, that he only helped them so that they would not dust him, and for the money that Giles would sometimes give him. Never once had Giles allowed himself to consider that there were greater depths to Spike, even when he was showing such gentle concern for Dawn. Giles had even convinced himself later that Spike had only shown concern for Dawn in order to worm his way into Buffys heart after she returned to life. That bit of mental contortionism still astounded Giles, how he had been able to twist the facts around until they matched what he wanted to believe.

Of course, when he had later learned that Spike had attempted to rape Buffy, he had felt completely justified in his disregard for any of Spikes previous actions. That one despicable act had conveniently allowed him to dismiss all thoughts of any selfless acts that Spike might have performed previously. Even when he came back to Sunnydale and found out that Spike had returned with a soul, he had still refused to see Spike as anything other than a dangerous threat. When Buffy had rescued Spike from ‘The First’, Giles had been enraged that Buffy had risked herself to do so. When Buffy had the ‘chip’ removed from Spikes head to save his life, Giles had further convinced himself that Spikes presence muddled Buffys thinking and endangered all of them, and the world.

Plotting with Robin to kill Spike after that had been easy for Giles to justify to himself, killing Spike would eliminate a dangerous distraction and would force Buffy to focus all of her energies on defeating ‘The First’. When Buffy had turned her back on Giles after his attempted murder of Spike, Giles had further convinced himself that Buffy could no longer be trusted to save the world. He had questioned every decision she made after that and had betrayed her once again when he forced her to leave her own home and sent her out into danger all alone. Giles had never been able to forgive himself for what he had done that night, even though Buffy had forgiven him later.

It was only after Spike had sacrificed his own life to destroy the Hellmouth and save the world that Giles had started to question his opinion of Spikes previous behavior. Seeing the grief that Buffy endured after Spikes death had forced him to acknowledge that there had been a true connection between the two of them. Buffys reaction after learning that Spike had apparently died again in L.A. trying to save the world, without ever letting her know that he had returned, had been shattering. Buffys suicide attempts, the journal that she had written, her attempts to free her essence to seek out Spikes soul, her continued despair over the years as she grieved for Spike. All of these factors had had an effect on Giles over the years.

Yet here he was again, having a knee jerk reaction to hearing Spike referred to as a Champion in the ‘demon world’ after killing his first slayer. Learning that Spike was soulless again, Giles first thought was to rush to Buffys side to protect her from Spike. When would he ever learn that when it came to Spike, with or without a soul, there was something about him that was so fundamentally different from any other vampire that he could ‘not’ be compared at all. All Giles needed to do was to look around at all the people, both human and demon, that had gathered together this day. Not counting any of the slayers or others that had come with Giles, because none of them had known until just a few minutes previously that Spike was soulless again, all of the others had known for years of his soulless state and still trusted him to a limitless degree. The children that he cared for and protected loved him unquestionably. The human adults that had arrived earlier all knew of Spikes soulless state, but still they loved and trusted him. Kar-Hool had told them that in the ‘demon world’ Spike was beloved by many and that even his enemies respected and honored him. That in both the ‘demon world’ and to the people that truly knew him, Spike was a ‘Champion’ of the highest regard.

There was so much about the ‘demon world’ that the Watchers had never even bothered to try to find out about. The Council of Watchers had always held the opinion that ‘all’ demons were evil because they were soulless, therefore ‘none’ of them could be trusted. Giles, possibly more than any other Watcher before him, had had interaction with numerous demons over the years and should have known better. Granted that most of the demons that he had come into contact with at the Hellmouth ‘were’ evil, but still there had been exceptions like Clem. Giles had also learned through contact with both Clem and Anya that there were a number of demons on the Hellmouth that had tried for many years to peacefully coexist with humans.

When Giles had felt the need to defend his inner self over the years he had always blamed his actions on his training as a Watcher and on the pragmatic imperative that the safety of the world came first, even if mistakes were made. On a few occasions when he had allowed himself to search his soul, he had found it much harder to excuse some of his actions. Some of the things he had done when he was young and was known to his friends as ‘Ripper’ still woke him at night with nightmares. That he had murdered an injured and helpless human, Ben, to prevent the possibility of him ever returning to his goddess state as Glory still haunted his dreams. That he had betrayed Buffys trust on numerous occasions wracked his soul for years whenever he looked at her. It was only due to her forgiving him that he had ever been able to forgive himself.

But now, here he was, faced with a soulless Spike doing things that should be impossible for a soulless vampire to do, and his first reactions had been hatred and fear. Giles knew of Buffys love for Spike and clearly understood that her continued existence in this world might solely depend on a reestablishment of a relationship between the two of them, and here he was, behaving like a complete berk.

Shaking his head slowly from side to side, Giles castigated himself for both his thoughts and actions when Kar-Hool had spoken to them earlier about Spike. Giles resolved to himself that he would keep an iron control on himself and not allow his years as a Watcher, nor his own personal biases, to control his thoughts or actions from this point on. Giles resolved to let go of his fears and to listen only to his heart, because deep inside his heart he knew that Spike was a ‘good man’.

**

Angel had felt left out when Buffy had been rushed down to the lower levels of Spikes lair. Realistically he had known that the only way that he could have joined the others was if someone had carried him, but still he had resented that no one had even considered the idea. Angel knew that Buffy no longer loved him, at least not like she had in the past. At best she felt a mild regard and limited friendship for him, the love had died when the truth had come out that he had hidden Spikes return after the Hellmouth. For a long time Angel had resented that Buffy blamed him for Spike not contacting her. He had tried to claim that there had been nothing preventing Spike from contacting Buffy on his own. It was only after a couple of years of brooding guilt that he had finally admitted to himself that he had done everything possible to prevent Spike from contacting Buffy. When Spike had come back as a ghost he had forbidden anyone from helping Spike to make any form of contact with Buffy. He had repeatedly told his whole crew that Spike was evil and not to be trusted, that his obsession with Buffy would only bring harm to her. He had also repeated the same kinds of things to Spike at every opportunity.

Angel had drummed into all of them, Spike included, that Spikes return was mystical and unexplainable. That Spike was returned to Wolfram & Hart, and couldn’t leave, had to mean that whatever had brought Spike back was evil. Angel had resented that Fred had devoted so much time and effort to trying to make Spike corporeal again and had been secretly pleased that when Spike had saved Fred’s life from Pavayne he had also lost his chance at becoming corporeal again. When Spike had become corporeal through another mystical and unexplainable action, Angel had immediately launched a new campaign to convince him that his return had to be for evil reasons. That any contact with Buffy was certain to be harmful to her and disrupt the normal life she wanted so badly.

What had surprised Angel the most was that Spike had ‘not’ contacted Buffy. Angel had couched his last campaign by claiming that neither Spike nor Angel deserved Buffy and that both of them could do nothing but bring pain into her life. Angel had repeatedly told Spike to move on with his unlife, like Angel was doing with Nina, and to leave Buffy alone. Angel hadn’t known at the time that it was Andrew telling Spike that Buffy was happy in Rome and was happily moving on with her life that had convinced Spike to forego contacting her. When they had gone together to Rome and had seen a happy Buffy dancing with the Immortal, that had been what broke any last hope that Spike might have had of a reconciliation with Buffy. More than anything Spike wanted Buffy to be happy, to live out her life in as normal a way as possible. Even though they both hated the idea of Buffy being with the Immortal, they had both resolved themselves to letting Buffy find her own happiness in her own way, without any interference from either of them.

Angel knew that even now if Buffy found out how hard he had worked at convincing Spike to stay away from her, the fragile friendship that they had reestablished with each other would be shattered. Angel was also coming to the realization that if Spike had stayed away from Buffy all these years because of what he had said to Spike, Buffy would hate him forever. It had only been in the past hour that Angel had heard whispered conversations that gave him any hope that it wasn’t anything he had said to Spike that had kept him from contacting Buffy. Because of his vampire hearing he had been able to listen in on several conversations where Spikes soulless state had been discussed. Angel knew better than anyone else that if Spike had stayed away from Buffy because he was soulless, it wasn’t because he was afraid he would harm her or that she would dust him. If Spike had stayed away from Buffy because he was soulless it could only have been for one reason, he didn’t want to face the loss of trust and the fear he was certain that he would have seen in Buffys eyes when she learned that he had lost his soul. Better than anyone else, including Buffy, Angel knew how proud Spike had been when Buffy had chosen him to be her Champion in the fight against ‘The First’. The idea of facing Buffy without his soul was probably the most painful thing that Spike could imagine.

Angel fervently hoped that it was the loss of his soul that had kept Spike away from Buffy for all these years. He truly didn’t want to face the consequences of finding out that it was his fault that Spike had stayed away. Angel had long ago reconciled himself to the loss of Buffys love and had learned to live with the loss. Glancing over at Nina, he smiled at her. Angel knew that Nina loved him, and in his own way he loved her. It wasn’t a perfect love, there had never been that moment of perfect happiness with her, but that was for the good. Wasn’t it? Perfect love, perfect happiness, those were the things that Angel couldn’t have in his life and hold on to his soul. With Nina, Angel had what Wesley had called ‘acceptable happiness’, and that was good enough. Wasn’t it?

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