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Reunions / Part 39

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Even though he didn’t need to, Spike couldn’t stop himself from taking a deep breath as he entered the large open warehouse. Nine of the younger children and two of the older ones preceded him down the hallway. Dawn was on his right, holding his hand tightly, Linda was on his left, not touching him, but when he glanced her way she smiled. Rosa and Jake were behind him for additional support. Spike was feeling apprehensive about entering a room full of Slayers and Watchers that now knew he was soulless. A part of his mind was telling him that he was being a bloody ponce to worry, more than two-thirds of the people present were his children and friends. But, another part of his mind wouldn’t stop reminding him that Slayers and Watchers felt it was their sacred duty and destiny to kill soulless vampires on sight. It also kept reminding him that there were a number of people in the room that had hated him in the past and two that had plotted to murder him even when he had a soul.

Because of Joys ability to touch the minds and sense the emotions of others, Spike had felt relatively safe in his previous contacts with Willow, Faith and Woods. But previously they had thought he had a soul. Willows confession that she had come looking for him in the first place to determine if he had a soul or not, and that she had been ready to risk her own life and the lives of her slayers in order to kill him, if he was soulless, kept moving through his thoughts. Could he really trust any of them, besides Dawn? Sure they had given their word not to break the peace, but they’d given their word when they still thought he had a soul. Would they honor their word now that they knew he was soulless? A slight tremor of anxiety passed through his body as he made the final step out into the room where everyone could see that he had arrived.

Dawn had apparently felt the tremor because she gave his hand another hard squeeze before she released it. She then took a step forward to place herself in advance of Spike. Linda, on his left, also took a step forward, while Rosa and Jake moved up beside him. Dawn hadn’t planned or discussed her movements with the others, but instinctively the four of them had moved into guarding positions on both of Spikes flanks. Their heads turned and their eyes scanned the room before them looking for any indication of threat.

A half dozen of Spikes older children, and two of the visiting adults that had come with Anne, noticed the defensive positions that Dawn and the others had taken around Spike. Without needing to say a word to each other they walked from where they had been standing and talking to each other and placed themselves around Spike. Others in the room were drawn by the movement of a dozen people and noticed right away that they were flanking Spike in a defensive manner.

The noise in the room, of over a hundred people talking and moving about, ground to a halt. Some of the younger teens, and a few of the women that had come with Anne, started quietly moving the younger children toward the back of the room. All of the older kids and the adults that had come with Anne broke off their conversations with the Slayers that had intermixed with them and started moving toward Spike quietly. The Slayers seemed to be surprised by their actions and for the most part stood where they were, not knowing if there was a danger or not, uncertain if they should move to rejoin the rest of the Slayers and Watchers.

Andrew, who had been talking with two of the boys, sized the situation up quickly and without any noticeable hesitation walked over to Spikes group and took a place standing next to Dawn. Glancing over at Spike, Andrew gave him a tight smile. Spike gave Andrew a slight nod of his head to show his gratitude toward Andrew for his action. The next person that moved toward Spikes group had Spikes eyes opening in amazement. Xander calmly crossed the floor and took up a position standing next to Linda. Looking over at the surprised look on Spikes face, Xander gave him a big smirky grin, then folded his arms across his chest as he looked back across the room at the rest of the Slayers and Watchers.

Spike had noticed Buffys position as soon as he entered the room. Buffy was holding Joys hand and was surrounded by her friends, Anne, Kar-Hool and a Kaquasec demon he recognized as Sh’Tar, the matriarch of the Kaquasec. When the room had suddenly become quiet, Sh’Tar had started glancing around the room nervously. Anne took Sh’Tar’s hand to calm her and led her back several yards from Buffys position. Kar-Hool had looked toward Spike and had started to take a step toward him, hesitated, then moved back to stand with Anne and Sh’Tar.

Joy looked up at Buffy, smiled at her, then releasing her hand she turned and started running toward Spike. When she was still about ten feet from him she jumped up into the air. Spike took a step forward and caught Joy around the waist then pulled her against him in a hug. Joy wrapped her legs around Spikes waist and her arms around his neck and started cooing and chirping loudly. Tension seemed to melt out of Spikes shoulders and a smile spread across his face as he cooed back to Joy. A visible wave of relief spread through all those standing around him.

Buffy followed after Joy but stopped about a half dozen feet away from Spike. Looking at him, seeing his love for Joy on his face, seeing the love for him on the faces of his children and friends, Buffy felt her own love for Spike swell inside her chest. Deep inside of her mind, her heart, her soul, Buffy felt all of her love for Spike merge together. As she stood there watching him, smiling at him, she promised herself, and him, that she would do whatever she had to do to prove to him, convince him, that she truly did love him and wanted to be with him, ‘until the end of the world’.

Slowly Buffy crossed the last few feet between her and Spike. Stopping in front of him she smiled as he stared at her. Joy twisted in Spikes arms, keeping one arm wrapped around his neck, she leaned out and wrapped her other arm around Buffys neck and pulled her into a hug that brought Buffy tight up against Spike. Hesitantly, Buffy wrapped her arms around both Joy and Spike as she buried her face into his chest and neck. When she felt Spikes arm come up and wrap around her shoulder, pulling her in tighter, a sense of longing, fulfilled, made her whole body shudder with pleasure. When Spike bent his head down and kissed Buffys forehead a flush of desire spread through her body. Blushing a bright shade of red she tried to hide her face against Spikes chest for a few moments, then realizing that she wasn’t the least bit ashamed of her desires. Buffy lifted her head so that she could see Spikes face and gave him a smile so filled with love it was stunning.

Looking up into Spikes eyes, Buffy could see that there was still uncertainty, and even fear, still there. She realized that Anne had been right. Buffy would have to convince Spike that she loved him. She would have to tear down the barriers between them, but at the same time being careful not to damage or bring more pain to either of them in the process. To much of their time in the past had been layered with pain. More than anything Buffy wanted to convince Spike that she loved him and that it was safe for him to love her, again.

*

When Joy had reached out and pulled Buffy by the neck into a three-way hug she had also opened a link to Buffys emotions. It wasn’t a link to her thoughts, Joy wasn’t sure either of them could deal with the inner insecurities that seemed to fill both of their minds when they were close to each other. It was a link to what Buffy was feeling at the moment as she hesitantly wrapped her arms around both Joy and Spike. Joy let Spike feel what Buffy was feeling, her hesitation, her fear of rejection, but also her overwhelming desire to be no where else but in his arms. When Spike wrapped his arm around Buffy and pulled her in tighter against his chest, Joy let him feel the full force of Buffys joy at being in his arms. She also let him feel the wave of passion and desire that swept through her. He felt the embarrassment that caused Buffy to blush when he kissed her forehead, but he also felt that there was no shame in her reaction. When Buffy lifted her face to look into Spikes eyes, he not only saw the look of love on her face and in her eyes, he felt it too.

What Joy didn’t do was to open a link between Spike and Buffy so that she could feel what he was feeling. Joy could read Spikes feelings and while she could sense his deep love for Buffy, she could also sense his fear and uncertainty. ‘Father’ was afraid to let the full force of his feelings for ‘Mother’ break free. Joy knew that ‘Father’ had built strong walls around his feelings for ‘Mother’. That these walls had been buttressed by his feelings of guilt and remorse over the years. ‘Father’ had convinced himself long ago that staying away from ‘Mother’ was the only thing he could do to assure that she would be happy. But now that ‘Sister’ had told him the full truth about ‘Mother’, he was confused and uncertain. If he didn’t allow himself to love ‘Mother’ she might slip away and die. If he allowed himself to love her again, he was deeply afraid that he would hurt her, and himself, and bring both of them nothing but pain.

Joy wasn’t at all certain what to do next. Even though she was very smart, and would one day be a god, she was still only eight years old. She could read ‘Mothers’ deepest emotions and could tell that for the most part they concentrated on two paths. One was her fear that ‘Father’ would not return her love and that he would be lost to her forever. The emptiness at the end of that path of thought was frightening. The other path of thought was filled with an overwhelming love and need for ‘Father’ to be a part of her life again. Joy could sense ‘Mothers’ determination to convince ‘Father’ that she loved him. Joy felt certain that if she helped ‘Mother’, if she let ‘Father’ feel what ‘Mother’ was feeling about him, her love for him, that ‘Father’ would eventually see the truth.

What Joy wasn’t certain of was how to help ‘Mother’ understand what ‘Father’ was feeling. Joy knew that ‘Fathers’ emotions when it came to ‘Mother’ had always been stormy. But since her arrival the night before his thoughts and emotions had been a veritable hurricane of crashing conflicting pounding turmoil. Joy was very afraid that if she let ‘Mother’ feel what ‘Father’ was feeling, the intensity would be more than she could deal with and it would frighten her. ‘Fathers’ thoughts and feelings had always been more complex than anyone else’s, except for his feelings for Joy, which were pure and unconditional love. The complexity came from the fact that ‘Father’ could have so many conflicting thoughts and emotions going on inside his head at one time.

Joy had been so focused on the emotions that were going on inside of Spike and Buffy that she completely forgot about everyone else in the room. But after a minute, or maybe two, of them staring into each others eyes without saying anything, the emotions of those around them started to press in on her. Reaching out she let herself feel the gestalt of all those in the room. She could feel the fear and concern of the younger children who didn’t really understand what was going on with ‘Father’ and the woman that had come to visit him. She could feel the love and concern of the older children as they pressed in around ‘Father’ to give him their full support. The love and concern of ‘Fathers’ friends was also present. Reaching out past them Joy let herself feel the emotions of all those that had come with ‘Mother’. Except for the one that ‘Father’ called Angelus, everyone in the room seemed to except and support what was happening between ‘Father’ and ‘Mother’, and even the one wasn’t hostile, it was more of a state of confusion. Angelus couldn’t seem to wrap his mind around how ‘Father’ could be loved and trusted by so many people when they knew he didn’t have a soul.

Reaching into the minds of both Spike and Buffy, Joy let them both feel the fear, love, concern and support of all those in the room. She even made sure that ‘Father’ felt the confusion that was taking place inside the mind of Angelus. Speaking inside Spikes mind, but letting Buffy hear her thoughts, Joy said, *Father, you need to calm the young ones, they don’t understand what is happening and they are afraid for you. All of the others need to be reassured too, they are worried about both of you. Sh’Tar and her sisters are very frightened, I need to go to them. You need to greet them too, Father, they were very brave to come here today. Other ‘Friends’ will be arriving soon with ‘Grandfather’, you will need to greet them when they arrive. You also need to talk to Mother, but there isn‘t the time right now. Promise her that you will talk to her. Mother trusts you Father, she will believe you if you promise.*

*

When Joy slipped out of both of their minds, Spike and Buffy became fully aware of all the people gathered around them. They were still in a three-way hug with Joy, holding on to each other tightly. Buffy was the first to loosen her hold, but she didn’t back away. Spike was the first to try to speak, his voice was thick with emotion as he spoke in a near whisper that only she could hear. “Slay…. Buffy, I know we need to talk, it’s just that ...., I promise we’ll talk, but I need to …” Buffy stopped Spike from saying anymore by placing her finger tips on his lips. When she spoke it was also in a whisper for his ears only. “I understand, Spike, you have responsibilities, and people that love you to take care of right now. But Spike, I’m one of those people too, I do love you, with all my heart.”

Spike didn’t say anything when Buffy said that she loved him, but there was something in his eyes that made her think that he might have believed her this time. There was also a small smile that came to his lips briefly. When Spike loosened his hold on her, Buffy took a step back. Spike was still holding Joy in his arms. Buffy watched him look into Joys eyes for a moment, watched him give her a quick kiss on the cheek, then set her down on the floor. When Spike lifted his face from looking down at Joy, it was as if a whole different person was standing there from the one of a few moments before.

Spike had a big smile on his face and there was a twinkle of merriment in his eyes. When he started speaking his voice sounded happy. “Hey now children, this is suppose to be a party isn’t it? Where’s the music and the dancing? There should be games for my baby’s, were suppose to be having fun here, aren’t we?”

*

Buffy didn’t ignore her own friends, she turned to them with a smile on her face and started reassuring all of them that everything was fine, that she and Spike were going to talk soon, that they had some things to work out between them, but everything was okay now. But even as Buffy talked to her friends and fellow slayers she kept an eye on Spike. She watched as he started turning to the people around him, reaching out and touching his children to assure them that everything was alright now. Shaking hands and slapping shoulders or giving hugs and kisses to his friends that had come with Anne. She saw him reach out and cup Dawns cheek then give her a quick kiss. Watched him shake Andrews hand then pull him in for a quick hug. Saw him shake Xanders hand as they exchanged a few words and saw both of them smile at each other. She watched the tension ease out of his children and his friends.

As Spike moved through the crowd around him, Dawn moved up next to Buffy and putting her arm around Buffys shoulder gave her a hug. Together they watched Spike and the people he loved, and the love they gave him in return. When he finally worked his way through the crowd they watched as he dropped to his knees amongst his youngest children. He was reaching out and touching them, hugging them, kissing them, giving them his love and making them feel loved and happy.

*

Giles had also been watching Spike closely as he moved amongst his children and friends. Moving to stand next to Buffy, in a subdued but steady voice, he said “Watching Spike like this, I have to wonder, if possibly I …., if all of us, had treated him just a little differently …., if things might have turned out ….. differently?” Glancing over at Buffy, Giles could see that he had her attention. He also noticed that Dawn and Willow were both listening to what he had to say. “I’m not certain what I’m trying to say right now. It’s just that ….. when I think back on all those times that Spike did certain things, things that should have been impossible for a soulless vampire, even one with a chip in his head, I have to wonder? I wonder how things might have been different, … if we’d tried to help him instead of always expecting the worst from him?”

Buffy let out a sigh of breath, then gave Giles a small sad smile. “I know what your saying, Giles. I’ve ‘if’d’ my past with Spike a thousand-thousand times. If only I’d done this, if only I’d done that, if only, if only, if only. I don’t think there is an answer. We all behaved the way we did for our own reasons, most of them out of fear. All I can say is that for me, one of my biggest regrets, not the biggest, but one of them, is that I use to throw it into his face that he wasn’t capable of love because he was soulless. I knew I was wrong when I was saying it, I knew I was lying to myself, but I couldn’t face the truth back then. But all you have to do is look around this room and you can see that for Spike, it doesn’t take a soul for him to love, or be loved. I just hope it’s not to late for me to make him believe that I understand that now.”

Dawn heard the catch in Buffys voice as she finished speaking and immediately wrapped her arm around Buffys shoulder and hugged her. “It’s not to late, Buffy, I know it isn’t. Spike still loves you, as much as he ever did, maybe even more. But, …. he’s confused, and I think he’s a little afraid. Okay, maybe a lot afraid. Spike’s been telling himself for over seven years that you moved on with your life, that you were happy.” Dawn paused for a moment to see if Andrew was anywhere nearby and might hear what she was saying. Once she spotted him halfway across the room she continued talking. “Look, don’t tell Andrew this, but I don’t think Spike ever really thought that Andrew would keep his secret about being back and in L.A. with Angel. He didn’t really understand how important it was to Andrew to keep his promise to Spike. So, when no one, you, me, or anyone else tried to contact him after Andrew saw him the first time, it just sort of sucked the hope out of him. Then when he came to Rome with Angel and Andrew told them you’d moved on with your life, that you were dating ‘The Immortal’, and that you were in love and happy, well, I think that’s when he gave up on being a part of your life.”

Seeing the hurt in Buffys eyes, Dawn hurried on, “Buffy, don’t you understand? Spike really really hates ‘The Immortal’. But he loved you so much, and wanted you to be happy so much, that he thought the only way he could help you to be happy was to stay out of your life. The happy life you were making without him in it. He thought you knew he was back, and didn’t care. That you were happy with your new life and didn’t want him to be a part of it.”

“After the fight with the SP’s, Spike was injured really bad and it took months for him to heal and recover. By the time he was able to leave the Hool caves and come back to the surface, it had been months since we’d searched for him. When he heard rumors of people searching for him and the rest of the AI gang right after the fight, he thought it was the SP’s looking for him. He never even thought about it being us, because there wasn’t any of us around, no Watchers, no Slayers, nobody. He didn’t know why, but he thought that we’d just written the city off and were leaving it to the SP’s to take over again. So he did the only thing he could do, he started helping the children and the homeless people on the streets, protecting them from vampires and demons. When he found out that the SP’s were trying to reestablish themselves in L.A. and take control of the demon clans again, he started working against them too. He’s helped hundred and hundreds of humans and probably thousands of demons over the years. He’s made friends all over the city and inside the demon clans and has gotten them to work together against the SP’s a bunch of times.”

“But Buffy, I think there’s something you really need to understand. I’m not saying that Spike wouldn’t have done all the things he did anyway, but I think that a part of the reason he did some of the things he’s done is that he never stopped loving you and he didn’t want to disappoint you. You told him once that you ‘believed in him‘, that you believed that he could be a ‘good man‘. I think that Spike wanted to prove to you, and to himself, that even though he doesn’t have a soul anymore he can still be a ‘good man‘.”

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