A/N: How long has it been? A month? Longer? Geez… So I got struck with major writer’s block. And coupled with a new job, I didn’t have time to work it out. But you can thank James (who is just as gorgeous in person as he is on tv) and my Merry Band of Fangirls, specifically spikes_cj and Yani who gave me a little ego boost.
So, without further adieu…
The motorcycle sped down the long length of black asphalt that led to home. It was eerily quiet despite the time of day and area that they were passing through, normally being busy and bustling with activity. But there was neither a car nor a soul in sight.
Spike supposed it was fitting considering the events that had transpired that afternoon. Almost as if the world around them had no choice to halt and stand back as a window into something horrible and unspeakable was opened.
It had taken Buffy a long time to even say anything, let alone go about telling her story to Faith. In fact, there was such a long pause that Spike was sure that Buffy had no interest in letting Faith in. Of course, the thing about Buffy was she had an uncanny way of surprising him.
The way she was holding onto him, her arms banded tightly around his waist and her cheek smashed against his back, made it painfully clear that she was still unsure of how wise her decision to open up to anyone other than him had been. She was scared, but oddly enough, her fear seemed to be for him instead of herself. The first thing Buffy had asked after she had finished with her story had been whether or not Spike would get in trouble for helping her.
Truthfully, Spike hadn’t even thought about the ramifications of his actions in helping her until Faith had laid it all out. Not that anything she had said made a bloody difference in his mind. She could have told him he’d be sent to the Tower of London and tortured or burned at the stake and he still wouldn’t have let Buffy go.
Unfortunately, nothing about Faith’s estimation of the matter was very comforting. There were too many holes in the system to make any good outcome viable. Top it off with Buffy’s father being who he was and they really didn’t have a chance in hell of getting this to work out to their advantage.
They finally turned into the parking lot of their apartment complex and Spike made quick work of parking the bike before hopping off. He yanked his helmet from his head and moved to help Buffy take hers off as well.
She had a dazed look about her; the usually present sparkle in her green eyes was gone and left in its place was a glazed and glassy dullness. The color was gone from her face and there were dried tear tracks down her cheeks. Her hands were shaking slightly as he picked them up and held them in his.
“Buffy, let’s go inside, yeah?” When he got no response, he titled her chin upwards, still quite dismayed that she refused to look at him. “C’mon, luv. You’ll feel better if we go inside.”
Her eyes darted upwards. “No, I won’t, Spike. Nothing is going to make this better.”
Spike sighed. “Don’t talk like that. We just had a little setback, is all.”
“A little setback? Did you even hear what Faith said? If my father finds me, he’ll…” She trailed off as her voice began to weaken and hot tears filled her eyes. “He’s going to win and there’s nothing we can do about it.”
The doubt was there, had always been there, nibbling away at his confidence. Spike wasn’t stupid. He knew that the cards were stacked against them, but that didn’t mean they should stop fighting. Besides, if it was the one and only thing his father had ever taught him, it was that there was no such thing as a fair fight.
And Spike was well-versed in the art of fighting dirty.
“I don’t give a soddin’ fuck what Faith said. She’s not living this, we are an’ I am not gonna let anythin’ happen t’ you no matter what the law says,” he told her with a strong resolve in his voice. He traced the line of her cheekbone with his thumb and studied the defeated look on her face.
“You say that like it means anything,” she replied miserably.
His jaw ticked with the growing anger churning inside of him. He wasn’t sure who he was more pissed off at. Her father for creating this whole mess or her for giving up so easily. Or perhaps at Faith for not even bothering to offer a kind word, instead choosing to lay everything on the table like cold surgical instruments rather than show a little compassion.
“Stop it,” he growled, jerking her off the motorcycle. Once she was standing in front of him, looking bewildered and shocked at his actions, he grabbed her shoulders and gave her a rough shake. “If you want him t’ win, then you are well on your way t’ helpin’ him accomplish that, you bloody silly girl!”
The outrage that crossed her face was a welcome sight. She needed to be strong or she might as well hop right back on that bus and serve herself up to that bastard of an old man she had. Even if it meant that she hated Spike just a little, if his harsh words helped her to realize what needed to be done then it was worth it.
“So what? You’re not even gonna try anymore, is that it? You hear a few discouraging words from someone, who I’m not sure you even trust, and you’re ready t’ throw it all t’ the fuckin’ wind? You might as well pack your things an’ run back t’ LA now, if that’s your attitude.”
“What do you want me to do, Spike? What can I do? Nothing! That’s what. You act like anything I do will-”
“First off, it’s not jus’ you. It’s you an’ me, together, tryin’ t’ suss this out. Secondly, we have t’ at least make the bleedin’ effort. Jus’ layin’ down and settin’ out the welcome mat is not an option because neither of us want t’ see you back at your father’s.”
A choked sob escaped her throat and she wrapped her arms around herself. “I can’t fight him.”
“Yes, you can, luv,” he said, his heart aching to see her so upset. “Buffy, you don’t even know how strong you are, how strong you can be. Hell, you made it this far. Most people wouldn’t have even tried, but you did.”
“There wasn’t anything else I could do, Spike. That’s not being strong, it’s being desperate,” she replied, her saddened tone becoming jagged with cynicism.
This was where it began. These moments of doubt and mistrust in hope. This was how someone who began life so innocent and wide-eyed became a jaded, miserable person. It didn’t happen overnight. Oh, no, it took years to develop the kind of anger and pessimism that was present in someone like Spike, but grow it did. Little by little, day by day, and year by year the silent cries of outrage and hopelessness piled up, layering themselves until everything else was buried far below the surface.
Buffy was beginning down a path that Spike had sworn not to let her tread.
His breath was coming in deep pants as he tried to suppress the raging emotions that threatened to break free from him. He felt torn, all at once wanting to cry, laugh, and tear something apart.
Honestly, he didn’t know how else to get through to her. He was certainly no expert on women and it didn’t help that this particular woman was still a teenager with raging emotions and instability. Top it off with the added stress of the situation and he was as useless as a chimp changing the oil of a Boeing 747.
“What do you want me t’ do, baby?” His voice softened a little, knowing that, as usual, his anger was not helping the situation. “God, don’t you think I want this t’ end? Don’t you think I wish I could just hold you an’ keep you safe from whatever nasties are out there? Don’t you think I would love t’ just be rid of the soddin’ bastard? I want t’, but I can’t, Buffy, an’ it’s killin’ me t’ know that I am bloody helpless.”
The black look on her face began to fade into blue as tears began to form in her eyes. She was trying to hold on to the comfort of cynicism, but in the end, her emotions were too strong to keep hidden.
“I’m so sorry,” she said between sobs, burying her head in Spike’s chest. “I should have just l-left.”
“Left? What are you talkin’ about?” He tried to pry her away so that he could look at her, but she wouldn’t budge.
She sniffled, grabbing handfuls of his shirt like she was about to fall. “I didn’t want to get you involved, but I was so scared. I thought…I thought if I just stayed with you that it would all go away.”
God, if that were only true. Fact of the matter was Spike couldn’t do much more than he was already doing now and if it came down to it, he wouldn’t be able to stop Buffy’s father from taking her. That scared him most of all.
Buffy accepted the glass of water from Spike’s hand and stared at it for a moment before taking a sip.
“Better, luv?”
Sitting down next to her on the couch, Spike gave her a soft smile. It was a far cry from how he had acted earlier, but Buffy knew that Spike could be a dominant, angry male just as easily as he could be gentle and caring. It was that combination that allowed her to love him, seeing his strength and power sitting side by side with his ability to give support and affection.
She frowned slightly. It was getting harder and harder to keep her feelings from him. Lord only knew that she wasn’t that great at holding her emotions at bay during a normal day so add in some stress- okay, a lot of stress- and she was doubly worse at it.
“Am I losin’ you again, Buffy?”
“No, no, I’m just…” she trailed away, her gaze transfixed once more by the glass of water. “Just have a lot on my mind, you know?”
Spike hummed in agreement. “I do.”
They shared a comfortable moment of silence before Buffy finally spoke again.
“What do you think Faith is going to do?”
“About?”
“You. Me. That private detector guy.” Nervously, she lifted the glass to her lips and took a drink.
“Not sure. She has every right to arrest me, take you into custody, and ignore that bloody git locked up for bird watchin‘. She’s a cop first and foremost, luv, our friendship be damned. It’s hard to say what she’ll do,” he replied flatly.
“Well, she didn’t arrest you today, so that’s good, right?” Buffy giggled humorlessly. “I made a mistake in telling her, didn’t I?”
Spike shook his head. “No. You needed t’ tell someone who could actually do somethin’ about this mess and of all the people you coulda told, she’s the only one I trust.”
With a sigh of semi-relief, Buffy sunk back against the cushions of the couch. The fact that Spike trusted Faith made her decision to open up a little easier to handle.
“Do you trust her because you…s-slept with her?” The minute the words had left her mouth she wished she could take them back. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to know, she did, but every time she asked a question like this she felt stupid and naïve. And really the last thing she wanted to do was to make the big flashing sign announcing her immaturity any brighter.
Spike looked at her a little dumbfounded for a minute. See, she knew it was a dumb question.
She opened her mouth to say she was sorry and to forget about it, but he waved her off.
“Buffy, I-” His lips clamped shut as if he knew he was about to say the wrong thing and thought better of it. “No. No, that’s not the reason I trust her. The fact that I slept with her really has nothin’ t’ do with trusting her.”
“Then why do you?”
He took in a sharp breath and ran a hand over his face. “She was my friend. We told each other things, things we’d never told anyone else, and for a while the world felt…less lonely.”
Buffy tried hard not to feel hurt by his admission, but she couldn’t help it. He was basically saying that he told Faith things that he couldn’t tell her. What was she? Didn’t he feel like he could trust her? Why couldn’t he tell her these things?
“If you meant so much to each other then why aren’t you together?” Buffy practically spat out.
“What’s this now? You get mad at me for lyin’ an’ now I tell you the God’s honest truth and you’re still mad? Bloody hell, girl, what do you want from me?”
“You’re the one who said you told each other everything. You act like she’s so special,” Buffy retorted.
“No, I don’t! And you’re the one who bloody asked!”
“Only because you said that-”
“Stop! Just stop, Buffy,” he shouted, holding his hand up to halt her rebuttal. “This is fuckin’ ridiculous. Why are we fightin’ about this?”
“Because you said-”
Spike stood up suddenly and stared up at the ceiling, taking deep breaths as he tried to calm himself. “You can’t keep gettin’ mad at me for answerin’ your questions truthfully, Buffy. If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the soddin’ question.”
Her anger was replaced immediately by sadness and an overwhelming sense of embarrassment. He was right. All he did was answer her question and she had to twist it around, making it into an argument. God, why was she such an idiot? Why couldn’t she be more mature?
“So, let’s get somethin’ straight right now, luv. I have no interest in being with Faith or any other bird for that matter.” He sat down next to her and tilted her chin back. “You’re it for me. You’re the one I want t’ be with, Buffy. So, I want you t’ stop thinkin’ I’m gonna go out an’ find someone else. I told you we were together, yeah?”
Buffy nodded, reaching up to wipe a stray tear away.
“Okay, then. An’ I have every intention of tellin’ you everythin’ I told her an’ more. You haven’t been here with me for that long, luv, give it some time. Besides, we’ve been a little preoccupied with other things.”
“Yeah,” Buffy chuckled, “we really have.”
Spike tightened his arms around Buffy as they snuggled together on the couch. It was becoming less and less difficult for him to use words like ‘snuggle’ and ‘cuddle’ and any other girly words that were used in describing the act of holding his woman. And hell, ‘cuddling’ felt damn good to him.
Not that he would ever admit to that.
She moaned softly in her sleep and struggled to get closer to him. It had been a hard day for both of them and while Buffy had seemed to calm down a little, Spike knew the events were still weighing heavily on her.
He supposed he could have prevented a lot of it if he had just told her the truth, but it was a little late for that now. All he could do was try and be honest with her in the future. He had been so close to blowing it by lying to her and now he couldn’t even think about the reasons why he’d done what he’d done. It was wrong to try justifying his actions no matter how well-intentioned they were.
Fuck, who knew that this whole relationship deal could be so hard? If she were just a one-night stand, lying would have been expected and accepted by both sides. But she wasn’t a one-night stand and she not only expected but needed the truth. She needed to be reassured that he truly cared for her and that he meant what he said.
Which was why lying to her had hurt her so badly.
He wanted to smack himself upside his thick skull, but he had a handful of Buffy in his arms. How could he have been so stupid? …Yet again.
Reaching up, he brushed a strand of her long blond hair away from her face and tucked it behind her ear. She rubbed her head against the pillow of his arm and mumbled something.
Spike leaned down as close as he could in his current position, trying to hear what she was saying. He had expected random incoherence and secretly hoped for a bit of dirty talk, but that’s not what he got.
“Love you, Spike.”
So, I’d like to address the last comment I received for this fic. I didn’t leave the fight hanging unfinished. Buffy and Spike’s problems run a lot deeper than just the simple act of him lying to her. Sure, lying was the catalyst for the argument, but whether Spike had lied or not, they would have still fought. Buffy feels like Spike lied to her because he doesn’t see her as an adult or capable of handling adult issues. Spike treats Buffy like she’s a sixteen year old girl and Buffy feels like she should be treated as an adult. Neither of them have been thinking about how their actions are making the other person feel.
In short, the lying fight is done and over with. It did end. But there are other issues that Buffy and Spike will have to face and until they address those problems, the tension is going to be thick. Hope that clarifies…thanks, Jae.