Hopefully it’ll be less than two weeks for the next update. My revised version of this outline has me really pumped about the story again. I hope you guys are still with me.
Spike had envisioned a thousand things upon knocking on her door; the soft, gentle promise of her smile had certainly not been among them. Nor had the lack of hesitance with which she issued her invitation. There was no waver. No thoughtful frown. Nothing to suggest he’d been overly hasty in his return. Thank God for that. Staying away as long as he had—giving her the extra time he’d been convinced she’d need—had all but killed him. Every second was plagued with doubts, overwrought with fears over the uncertain future.
“Jus’ like that?” he softly asked, eyebrow quirked. Still, though, he quickly crossed the threshold before she could change her mind. Not that it mattered; once issued, the invitation could only be revoked one way, and Buffy was without her redheaded friend to cast any wonky mojo.
Though he wouldn’t put it past the mousy bird with whom Buffy’d shacked up. The Slayer had a knack for surrounding herself with smarties. Little Fred seemed no exception.
“Yeah,” Buffy agreed, stepping aside as he moved past her. She pushed the door closed with a heavy sigh. “Sorry about that.”
“’Bout what?”
“The…I don’t know. Lots of stuff, I guess.” She scrunched up her nose and turned, gesturing to the laughably empty room. “I’d say make yourself at home, but I’m without the essentials. Think I was lucky to get this much.”
This much evidently consisted of a couch and a kitchen table, secondhand by the smell. “Well,” Spike drawled, his hands worming awkwardly into the pockets of his duster. “Work with what you got, I ‘spect.”
“Yeah.” A pause. “How’d you find me?”
He perked a brow and turned slowly on his heel, unable to mask his amusement. “Well, besides the fact you jus’ moved down the hall, sweetness, a vamp’s nose always knows. Couldn’t hide from me if you tried.”
“I wasn’t trying.”
“I know. Jus’ getting that out there.” He grinned at her grin, feeling slightly more at ease, or at least confident he wasn’t about to be escorted through the door by the scruff of the collar. “An’ your li’l friend told me where to find you.”
“Oh. So you didn’t just come here immediately?”
“Well, I would’ve, but that would’ve been presumptive.” Spike forced an awkward laugh, his shoulders tightening. Every inch of his body tugged him forward, imploring him to take her in his arms and pepper her face with kisses. Being this close was bloody intoxicating enough as it was. “This is okay, right?” he asked, swallowing hard. “My bein’ here? You said you wanted a day—”
“Yeah. I’m sorry about that.”
“’Bout wanting a day?”
“No—yeah. Ummm…all of the above?” Buffy held his gaze for a minute before slumping into a pout, pressing a hand against her brow. “When did this become so weird?”
Spike frowned thoughtfully. “Think it’s been weird a while, pet.”
“Well, unweird it. I can’t handle you all—normal and stuff.” She paused. “That so didn’t come out the way I intended.”
“There’s no bloody normal for me, Slayer. I’m jus’ tryin’ to keep on your good side so you don’ kick me to the curb again.”
Buffy shook her head. “There will be no kicking of you to the curb. I kinda regretted that the minute I did it. That and…all the stupid crap I said.”
Spike perked a brow. She seemed hell-bent on surprising him. They might not have known each other long, but in the time in which they’d been a part of each other’s lives, he’d become rather privy to the fact that apologies and Buffy weren’t concepts which went hand-in-hand, especially after a display of utter righteousness.
It wasn’t like he didn’t know she was confused. There was only so much she could take. Fuck all, if he weren’t so desperate in his need, he might be exactly where she was. Where she stood. Things for him were so much clearer; he knew he loved her. He knew the claim, while not planned, was something he now wanted more than anything. There was no future if Buffy wasn’t at his side. He already felt he’d waded through the darkness for centuries in order to find her; now that he stood before her—open, vulnerable, and thoroughly hers—it took all of him not to throw himself at the mercy of his pride and beg her never to let him out of her sight again.
Still, the eggshells on which he’d expected to tread were mysteriously absent. He didn’t take for granted the very real prospect that things could change at the drop of a pin, but for the moment, he allowed himself to fall complacent. “Mind clarifyin’ for a bloke, love?” he asked, his eyes shining. “You said quite a bit.”
To his astonishment, she didn’t object. Rather, the red in her cheeks deepened and she humbled him with a nod. “Mainly—urrr—the stuff about Dru.”
“Goin’ back to her, you mean.”
“Right.”
“When there’s no way on bloody earth I—”
“Yeah, that’d be the thing. I was dumb.”
“Bloody nuts,” he agreed without shame or apology. “The bint—”
Buffy held up a hand. “I know. I know. I’m just…God, my mind’s all over the place, you know? I start thinking one thing and then it gets all confused and I…” She trailed off with a hopeless sigh, meeting his eyes in a manner which begged for understanding. “I’ve figured some things out.”
The certainty in her voice threw him. For whatever he’d been prepared, it wasn’t this. “Oh?” he asked.
“I’m not ready.”
Spike willed his mouth to keep from running. No matter how his will cried at the calm firmness harbored in her tone, he would let her say her piece. “Right,” he managed, only because saying nothing went against his nature. Words were his bread and butter. He couldn’t forgo them for want of comfort.
To her credit, Buffy sensed his incredulity. “I know, right?” she said, forcing a shrill laugh. “Big surprise. Big…whatever. Buffy’s not ready to be all with the…whatever. But at least I know, now.” She paused and fortified herself with a deep breath. “Spike…my last relationship was the end of the world…that being literally.”
“Slayer—”
“And I’m still…I’m gun-shy. I’m extremely, incredibly, one-hundred-percent gun-shy. And I know I really don’t have a choice. With the…” She paused and raised a hand to her throat, her lethal but somehow delicate fingers tracing the bite he’d given her. “The forever thing. But I’m just not ready to be what…what you need.”
A long, tempered beat passed. “An’ what,” he said cautiously, “is it you think I need?”
“I’m not going to spout off a list,” Buffy replied wisely, her eyes narrowing. “But sex. I can’t do sex right now. Sex…it complicates things. And my life is already complicated. If it was any more complicated, I’d need my own talk-show special.”
Spike sniggered appreciatively. “‘Slayers an’ the Vamps That Love ‘Em’?” he suggested, only to backtrack in the thereafter and mentally curse himself for revealing so much. If she picked up on his blunder, however, she didn’t betray a thing. Instead, she offered a halfhearted chuckle and nodded.
“Something to that effect. But…point.” She forced a smile. “I have one. A point.”
“Always reassuring,” Spike teased.
The blush which tinted her cheeks enchanted him. “And it’s a good one.”
“I have no doubt.”
Buffy cast her gaze downward and inhaled sharply. There wasn’t an inch of her which failed to tremble. “There are things I know but am not ready to…I dunno…I know that when you leave, a part of me goes with you. That when I left you, I regretted it…like I regretted sending you away the other night.”
The darkness which had clouded his insides speared with growing rays of light. He knew, from her tone, not to grasp hope too tightly; Buffy’s mind had a way of turning itself around the second she approached something which even faintly resembled a decision. “Can’t say it was a picnic for me.”
“I’m just confused.”
“Believe me, baby, I’m gettin’ that.”
“And I’m not ready.”
He drew in a deep breath. “An’ you already said that.”
“It’s just as true now as it was two minutes ago.” She flashed him an awkward smile without quite meeting his eyes. “But here’s the thing…here’s where it gets a little weird and complicated.”
He snorted appreciatively. “Oh good. I was wonderin’ when we’d hit that snag.”
“I’m not ready to be with you with-you…I mean, with you like…like that. But I know I’ll want it some day.” Buffy huffed out a breath as though preparing for a marathon. “I have feelings for you.”
It was truly a testament of his willpower that he didn’t fall over in astonishment. While he knew it was the truth—there was nothing her kisses could keep from him—hearing the words actually breathe air was something he’d never thought to touch. And were it not for her guarded poise and the haunted look in her eyes, he would have lost any semblance of restraint and shoved her against the nearest flat surface: wall or table, it didn’t matter to him. He just wanted her. Wanted her body against his and her mouth sucking his tongue. Wanted her pussy bucking against his hand as his fingers pried her swollen lips apart to explore her molten warmth. He wanted to take those feelings and mold them until they blossomed into love.
Until she loved him as desperately as he loved her.
“I need time,” Buffy continued. “I need time to…get over what happened in Sunnydale. I need to…be ready to…I know when I…when we start with the actual…when we’re actually together, it’s forever. And I’ll want it to be forever. But I can’t have this thing weighing me down. I need time to get to know you.”
“You don’t know me?”
She winced. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
There was a pause. She worried her lower lip between her teeth. He wondered how she would react if he offered to do that for her. “Since we met,” she began cautiously, “our lives have been…well, not normal.”
Spike perked a brow. “Sorry to point out the obvious, pet, but me vamp, you slayer. Survey says our lives are never gonna qualify as normal.”
“Give me some credit.”
“I think history shows I’m willing to give you whatever you want.”
The red in her cheeks deepened, and he was satisfied when she didn’t contest the point. “Okay,” she agreed softly, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. “Well…when we met, you threatened to kill me.”
“An’ I s’pose you’re gonna be lordin’ that over me for the rest of my days?”
She ignored him. “We didn’t start…until we…until that night at Sunnydale High. And everything that happened after that was…to defeat Angel and Dru. And after that…” She cleared her throat, her eyes fixing on a point on the wall behind him. “Well you know everything I’m gonna say.”
Spike hesitated, then nodded.
“My point is, every time we’ve…ever since we became…whatever it is we are, things have been crazy beyond crazy.” At last, her gaze clashed with his again, her open palm pressing hard against her brow. “I haven’t had a chance to slow down and take things in…at all. It’s either been the end of the world or killing my first boyfriend or…what happened with you in the hotel and now we’re mated and I can’t be with you because it’s too much, but I can’t be without you because it kills me.”
“Buffy—”
“I’m only seventeen years old, Spike. How the hell am I supposed to be okay with forever? With having my future laid out for me more than it already was?” An ironic laugh tumbled off her lips and she gestured wildly at the room. “I’m supposed to be grateful I’ve made it this far as it is with my birthright chasing me down every alley…and now with you and the…I’m so muddled.”
Spike sighed softly. “I know, precious.”
“And I can’t leap into just…being with you with my head like this.” Buffy ran a frustrated hand through her hair, a long sigh rolling off her tired shoulders. “It’s not fair to you. And I can’t start confusing my feelings for you with everything else that’s happened in the last few weeks. When I’m with you…when we…I want it to be because I know for sure that I’m ready…not because you’re the only one I can have because of the claim.”
If her words didn’t render him completely and thoroughly hers, the tears shining in her eyes certainly did. All at once, the weight which had seated itself upon his heart alleviated and he felt he could breathe—in every context—incongruity acknowledged. The fears which had plagued him since he barraged his way back into her life had untangled. He didn’t know how a period of just a few minutes could clear stormy skies. How he could go from being convinced he was doomed to a loveless life—to being perpetually the victim of unrequited affection—to surging with something he hesitated to call hope.
“I hate bein’ away from you,” he heard himself say. “The distance thing bloody kills me.”
“Me too,” Buffy agreed. “But we won’t be apart if you agree to my plan. It’s kinda against the point.”
“The point?”
“I can’t become ready to be with you if you’re not here. So…here’s my incredibly bad plan for the moment, but work with me, it’s the only one I got.” Buffy puffed out a breath. “You move in.”
Spike blinked. A floorboard creaked. A door slammed down the hall. He waited for his brain to kick in with a translation, but none was forthcoming. Apparently, she meant it. “You want me to move in,” he repeated. “You want us to…live together?”
“Yes.”
“That’s invitin’ danger, love, if space is what you need.”
“No, it’s not. Because this is important to you, too. I just need…can we just be friends for a while?” She glanced down again. “If that’s not something you think you can do, I understand, but—”
“Friends?”
A pause. She nodded. “Just until…until…this is the best I can do now, Spike. I want to be what you need, but I also need to do what’s right for me. I know the being apart thing kills us both. But if we could just…without the head games that comes with tossing me into another live-or-die relationship at the moment…I need a friend right now. I need…I need to know you can be that for me, too, along with the other thing.”
Spike blinked numbly and stared at her. He didn’t realize, of course, that he was staring until she shuffled self-consciously. “Well,” she prompted softly. “Is that—”
“I’ll do it.”
It was her turn to stare. “You will?”
“Well, I’m not bloody well letting you outta my sight again, if that’s the alternative.” Spike sucked in his cheeks and gave the apartment a once-around. “Not that bein’ with you and not touching you’s gonna be a right treat for me, but sweetheart, I…I know things are buggered for you. Things are a li’l topsy for me, too…an’ if this is what it takes to be close, I’ll do whatever you ask.”
A small smile tickled her gorgeous face. “I keep forgetting this is also new for you.”
“You’re nothing if not self-centered.”
She made a face. “Hey! At least you have some experience in this whole forever thing.”
He snorted. “Right. A hundred years is a go at eternity. I forget you youngsters are rotten at math.”
“You have more than seventeen years, at least,” she shot back, though her eyes were dancing. The air fell to brief companionable silence. “But it’s…it’s something we can do? This…friends thing. Even with the close living quarters and the…we can do this?”
He tried to rein in his eagerness, but the hurried bob of his head refused to cooperate. “I’ll do it,” Spike promised. “I’ll give you what you need, kitten. If this is it, then consider it yours.”
“It won’t be easy.”
That was the bloody understatement of the year, but he wasn’t about to talk himself out of this. Now that he knew where he stood. Now that he knew how she felt. Now that he knew how she wanted to feel.
It wouldn’t be easy; he didn’t mind. Nothing worth having ever came easy.
And for all her flaws and virtues, Buffy was the only thing in his world worth having.
TBC