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Author's Chapter Notes:
Yay! I’ve got another chapter finished. This one was a lot easier to write, though the end was a little challenging. Hope you like and please review. In the next chapter, I’m skipping on a few months to get some more Spuffy…
Spike leaned back in his seat as his company’s private jet took to the skies. He was heading back to London, back to his Eaton Square apartment and his office in the City.

While technically his trip to L.A. had been for business purposes, he’d also enjoyed having an opportunity to relax. He loved seeing Buffy and while as usual the sex was amazing, he’d also enjoyed the time they’d spent outside the bedroom. Yesterday they’d driven up to Santa Barbara, where they’d visited several art galleries, walked along the beach and had dinner at a quiet, Italian bistro on the harbour.

He knew their arrangement worked so well and would continue to do so, because they were friends as well as lovers and could spend time together without getting bored with each other’s company. Buffy was exactly the type of girl he’d once seen himself settling down with. A girl whom he could have fun with and enjoy spending time with and who could turn him on with just a smile.

Unfortunately, he was no longer that naïve and idealistic young man who believed in living happily ever after. Love was for fools – it blinded people to the truth, making them weak so that in the end, they no longer cared if they lived or died.

Memories of Ethan flooded his mind and he blinked back tears as the pain gripped him. The pain of losing his best friend and the pain of knowing that he was the one to blame.

They’d grown up together, their houses only a quarter mile apart. Typical young boys, they’d spent their time fishing, climbing trees and getting muddy and were completely inseparable. Everyone who’d known them had known that where there’d been one, the other hadn’t been far behind.

It had been a dare by Ethan that had lead Spike to bleach his hair for the first time when he was at college and it had been Ethan who had first called him ‘Spike’, because no matter how much gel he’d used he’d never been able to tame his spiky locks. They’d attended university together, studying business economics and when Spike had taken over Giles Enterprises, he’d appointed Ethan as his vice-president.

Six months later, Ethan had met Drusilla Evans at a party and had fallen head over heels in love with her, asking her to marry him after a mere three weeks. But then he’d made the mistake of introducing her to his best friend. The moment Spike had seen Drusilla, he’d been overwhelmed with lust – at the time he’d thought it was love, although it had been the first time he’d ever really felt anything like it, so who could blame him for misinterpreting his feelings?

But Ethan had been like a brother to him and Drusilla had practically been his wife, so it shouldn’t have mattered what Spike had felt for her. He could never do anything to hurt his best friend like that.

So he’d done his damnedest to suppress his desires, including standing up beside Ethan as his best man at their wedding.

But every time he’d seen her, his denied feelings had seemed to increase tenfold and in the end he’d had to stay away, for risk of doing something he’d regret. When Ethan had invited him over to play poker or Drusilla had been having one of her dinner parties, Spike had made his excuses.

Then he’d made the mistake of going to their New Year’s Eve party, where Drusilla had cornered him and told him in that haunting voice she had that she knew how he really felt about her and that she loved him too.

The immediate thrill of learning that his feelings were reciprocated had been swiftly eclipsed by his horror that for a brief moment he’d considered betraying his best friend. So he’d told her as gently as he could that nothing could happen between them, because she was Ethan’s wife. Several times after that night, she’d reaffirmed her feelings and attempted to entice him, but he’d remained strong, his loyalty to Ethan still more important than the fulfilment of his fantasy that Drusilla offered.

Then a couple of months later, his father had suffered a heart attack and Spike had spent the next three days at his bedside until he was off the critical list. When he’d finally arrived home, Drusilla had been waiting for him, to tell him that she and Ethan were over; that she’d told him she was in love with someone else. Taking advantage of his vulnerability, she’d kissed him right there on his doorstep and he’d barely had a chance to react before he’d heard Ethan’s voice.

“You bastard!”

Pushing Drusilla aside, he’d punched Spike, before getting back in his car and speeding off down the street. With blood trickling from a split lip, Spike had tried to follow him, but he’d already driven out of sight. Telling a sobbing Drusilla to go home, in case Ethan returned to their house, he’d got into his own car and headed to the office, in hopes that his friend might have gone there. And he’d been pulling into his allocated parking space when Drusilla had rung with the news that Ethan that had lost control of his Mercedes and driven over an embankment.

He’d been killed instantly.

His best friend had died, because he’d been too weak to push Drusilla away. It didn’t matter that he’d refused her all those times before – all his loyalty hadn’t been worth a damn. When it had really mattered, he’d been too weak to say no. And worst of all, Ethan had died before he’d been able to set things right and he’d never know how sorry Spike was.

After that night Spike had spent two weeks holed up in his apartment with only his good pal Jack Daniels and his smokes for company. Drusilla had tried to see him, but he’d refused to even let her in. He’d seen his ‘love’ for what it really was – mere infatuation, which had faded quickly in the wake of his loss, to be replaced by interminable guilt and self-recrimination.

He had later found out that he had not been the only other man in his best friend’s marriage. Drusilla had been sleeping around long before she’d pounced on him. But her numerous dalliances hadn’t convinced Spike that he was any less to blame for Ethan’s death.

And it was, for the most part, his unrelenting guilt that had led to his avoidance of emotional relationships. He didn’t deserve to experience love or happiness, not the kind that Ethan in his naivety had once known. And not only that, but Spike didn’t know if he was even capable of love anymore. The day that Ethan had died, something inside Spike had died with him.

Before he’d met Buffy, his ‘relationships’ had all been of the casual variety. Some of the women had lasted a few nights, some even a week or two. But anything beyond that and Spike knew they’d get the wrong idea about what he was offering.

But Buffy was different and not just because they were both on the same page when it came to their relationship. She was an incredible woman and he knew most men wouldn’t have any trouble falling in love with her – himself included, if he’d met her before the tragic events three years earlier. And even if it were possible for his damaged heart to give it, Buffy didn’t want his love.

No, Spike thought to himself, as he fell into an exhausted sleep. Falling in love with Buffy O’Connor is not an option.





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