Chapter 4:

"Knock, knock," Willow said as she stood in the doorway to Buffy's room. She hadn't seen much of Buffy the last few days and figured she should check in on her.

"Hey Wil," Buffy said without looking up.

Buffy was sitting on her bed holding Mr. Gordo in front of her and looking him in the eye as if the mysteries of the universe were contained in his porcine form.

"Heard you got that last of the sludge bunnies. That's good," Willow said as she moved to sit next to Buffy on the bed. "Hello? Earth to Buffy?"

"Hmm. Oh, sorry I was just. . . Hey! I don't suppose you've been doing any spells lately?"

"Spells? What kind of spells?" Willow asked cautiously. She'd been practicing some stuff with Tara, but nothing she thought could have gone awry. At least she hoped not. "If you're hoping I've come up with a make-the-evil-goddess-go-poof spell sorry. Still working on that."

"No, not that. Although that would be great. I was thinking more. . . never mind, it wasn't spell-like."

"What wasn't?" Willow asked concerned. "Did something happen? Your mom and Dawn said you've been kind of sulky lately."

Buffy drew her knees to her chest and rested her chin on them. "If I told you something you wouldn't. . . you could keep it a secret right?"

"Hello? Best friend here. Plus for how long did I keep your secret identity secret. I mean I guess I still do but. . . point is, you know you can trust me Buffy."

"Yeah, I guess. It's not so much that you'd tell, I just. . . I don't know what you'd think of me."

"Buffy," Willow reached out a hand to pat Buffy on the shoulder. "Again, remember, you're my best friend. Plus, you've saved my life how many times? What ever it is. . . it'll be okay."

The truth was, Willow was kind of hurt that Buffy needed this kind of reassurance.

Buffy nodded, and Willow got up for a second to close the door. It was obvious that whatever Buffy needed to talk about, she didn't want her mom or sister to know.

"The other day, Dru got out, and I asked Spike to help me find her." Once Buffy started talking, she found it wasn't as hard as she thought it would be. At least not if she talked really fast and didn't stop to breathe. "We did, and there was a demon and a fight. And then it was raining. And we went back to Spike's crypt because that was closest and Dru was hurt. And he gave me dry clothes to wear which maybe were Harmony's 'cause I otherwise I so don't want to know why Spike has skirts. But anyway, we were sitting and. . . andhekissedme."

Willow took a moment to sort out what Buffy had said. "Okay, I see the ick factor. And I get the spell reference now. But Buffy, aside from the ick factor, what's the big deal? I mean you probably hit him and left didn't you?"

Buffy shook her head and buried it in her arms. "I liked it," came her muffled reply.

Willow was stunned. "Liked it, as in you want him to kiss you again liked it?"

Buffy nodded her head.

And then Willow got it. It was kind of one of those hit over the head with a two by four moments. And she got why Buffy had been so worried about telling her. She remembered how scared she'd been of telling Buffy about Tara.

Which was totally different and completely the same all at once.

"So. . . um. . ." Willow was really trying to think of something best friend like to say and she was coming up blank. "Okay, help me out here. Is this a talk-you-out-of-it conversation, or a say-it's-okay conversation?"

"You think it's okay?" Buffy said almost hopefully.

"No. I mean yes. I mean I don't know. What can I say, Spike's so not my type in so many ways."

"But you think he's mine?" Buffy asked a hint of panic creeping into her eyes.

"Yes, I mean no. Okay, need to stop doing that."

Buffy smiled indulgently at her friend. "Why don't I like the good guys? I mean, I liked Riley, but I think he always thought he wasn't dark enough for me. And what if he wasn't? That's not what I want. Dark I mean."

"Maybe it's what you need?" Willow asked tentatively. Buffy looked at her questioningly and she continued. "Buffy, your life is kind of dark. Actually pretty dark when you consider all the creeping around in cemeteries. You don't get to pretend the things under the bed don't exist. Maybe. . . maybe the problem with Riley was that he never really believed. At least I think he didn't. I don't know, it sometimes felt like he thought Tara and I were just pulling rabbits out of a hat, you know?"

"So I should just give up on normal?" Buffy asked.

"Give up? I don't know. But normal isn't happening any time soon. I can't tell you how much I don't like the idea of you and Spike, but. . . he's part of your world. And there's a lot to be said for that."

"And he's also evil and dead, and probably just messing with my head."

"Maybe. Probably?" Willow asked seeing if that's the answer Buffy wanted.

Buffy hunched her shoulders. "Do you think? I mean, it's just–it was a really nice kiss. And we've been spending some time together, and it's been nice. And I think maybe I have a . . . crush on him."

"Really?" Willow asked, torn between being excited that her best friend had a crush and majorly squicked by who it was for. Visions of broken bottles danced before her eyes, but Willow chased them away. There would be plenty of other people in Buffy's life to point out the bad. She should have at least one person say her feelings were okay and that was Willow's duty.

"I think so. . . Okay I know so. I haven't been able to stop thinking about kissing him. And not just kissing him. I keep having these flashback-like dreams to when we were engaged and. . . " Seeing the 'I don't want details' look on Willow's face, Buffy stopped.

"And it doesn't feel like that. Like a spell?" Willow asked a little hopefully. But Buffy shook her head and Willow sighed. "You know what you have to do? You have to go talk to him. Figure out why he kissed you, because let's face it. It could be an evil plot. I'm not sure what, but you want to know if it's an evil plot or not first. Before there's more kissing I mean."

Buffy nodded. "You're right. I need to go see him. Find out if this is another crazy-doomed-to-fail-Spike-plan or if. . . Crap!" she said, her eyes going wide. "What am I going to wear?"





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