Wesley
Spike's surprised me. I'd never thought he might prepare a backup plan, or any plan for that matter. It seems he's more connected to Buffy's Sunnydale group than Angel informed us. Willow is comfortable around him, and he obviously cares for her. Their story is almost too neat, though; I've gotten the feeling Willow is here at someone else's request. Despite what Spike says, I'm sure that someone is Buffy.
When I left Wolfram & Hart earlier this evening, I was content to remain on the path to torpidity. I only wondered if, once I was dead, I would see Fred again, or if my crimes have been too great, or if she's just…Gone.
I've begun to feel hope since I saw Jezebel again, and I wonder if that's a good thing. It seems disloyal, somehow; as though I don't deserve to win, that perhaps my fate is to die fighting a battle I know I cannot win. Still, that little sliver of hope has been revealed, and I can't help but see it. I remember loving her with all of the enthusiasm and passion of youth, and the memory lightens my heart.
Tonight, Jezebel was a revelation. She had a poise I'd never detected, and her diplomatic skills are worlds from what they were. I suppose time has changed both of us; I remember telling her once that studying vampires was as pointless to a Watcher as studying tigers. They kill; that's all you need to know.
It's hard to imagine I was ever so stupid. She tried to tell me at the time, explain the things she'd learned, but I couldn't listen. Back then, learning vampires could be Champions would have been akin to denying the Council, and I wasn't ready.
I'd underestimated a valuable resource; I knew of several Watchers who resigned when Travers obviated the specialization in Vampire Lore; if not Jezebel, I could have gone to any one of them. Instead, I trusted Wolfram & Hart. Of course, I didn't trust Wolfram & Hart, but I did think myself superior to them; I never suspected they were tampering with documents. I was quite obviously mistaken.
Now, of course, it all makes sense. Sidetrack us, corrupt us, lead us off in the entirely wrong direction on any number of matters, cut us off from assistance; set us up for demoralization and defeat. It would have worked, too, if not for Spike and Willow.
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After Jezebel's departure, we discussed the Shanshu a bit more, until Willow pointed out that none of us knew what we were talking about, and there was no point wasting our energy when we were facing a 'potentially world-ending event'. Still, I would have liked to speak to Angel; it would have been good to give him some warning, to ease his mind about his place in the prophecy.
We'd fallen into silence, each in our own little worlds, when Meredith addressed Spike. "So, William Spenser. When, exactly, did you regain your memories?"
I looked up quickly enough to catch Spike panicking, before he could carefully re-school his features into disinterest. I'd spent enough time with him over the last few months that I could tell the difference between actual boredom, and his 'I don't want you sods to know I'm interested' boredom. "Luv, you've gone sack o' hammers. No clue what you're on about."
She rolled her eyes tryingly. "Oh, stuff, William. Over the course of the evening you've mentioned things you couldn't have known without your memories. Jezebel believes the spell was broken when you were turned. Is that so?"
"No it's not bloody so!" Spike replied, sounding actually hurt, at the same moment that Willow asked.
"What spell?"
Meredith shook her head. "You've never told anyone? Bloody hell, that's an awful thing to have to deal with alone." I'd noticed that the girl had been wary of Spike, but seemed increasingly sympathetic.
Spike squinted at her, as if sizing her up, then looked back and forth between Willow and myself. "Look, I wasn't alone; someone was there, and she knows the whole thing. My 'dealing' is none of your concern. It's not your business, and it's bloody well none of theirs."
Spike stood. "I'm sorry to leave you like this, but I'm afraid I have a prior engagement. Red, Watcher, call me if you need anything, phone'll be on." He turned back to Meredith. "Keep your big gob shut. You and me 're gonna have words if we make it out of this thing." She nodded somberly. He met her eyes for a moment, then nodded. "Good luck."
Spike dropped a Wolfram & Hart charge card on the table in front of me, and left without another word. I watched him go, trying to figure out what the bloody hell had just happened. "And I ask again, what spell?" Willow nudged Meredith, whose attention was evidently focused on Spike's departing back the way mine had been until I heard Willow's voice.
Meredith blinked and shook herself back to attention. "Well, evidently, I'm not supposed to tell you." She glanced at the door Spike had left through. "Bloody hell. Alright, I won't tell you much; no reason to antagonize the vamp more than we need to. All you need to know, is that something terrible happened to William about 10 years before he was turned, and his memory was erased. We'd suspected a link between William Spenser and William the Bloody, but never been able to prove it. The evidence was mostly circumstantial; like, maybe, but not compelling. Evidently, we were right. And he remembers it all, now."
Willow looked less confused than I felt, so I kept my mouth shut and ordered coffee when the waitress came back. The girls did the same, and again we lapsed into silence. The next time our silence was broken, Willow spoke up. "I don't know what the heck is going on, but I think I can answer your original question."
Meredith and I both looked at Willow as she continued. "I did a Tabula Rasa spell a couple of years ago; it kinda went kerpluey, and it was only supposed to be directed at one person, but instead it struck the whole group of us, including me. Of course, then the spell got broken, and we all got better, but everyone was really mad at me, especially Buffy and Tara, although no one else seemed happy about it, either. And… Well, anyway, when I was researching the spell later, to figure out what went wrong, I read something that said lifting the spell can also lift other memory-erase spells. Like, it can open doors to forgotten memories and stuff. I think that must have been when it happened."
Meredith nodded. "Was there any noticeable change in him? After the spell, I mean?"
"Well, he was more quiet for a while, but I always figured that was because he'd been accepted when we didn't remember what he was, and once we remembered everything, like that time he kidnapped me to try to get me to do a love spell for him; well, anyway, I guess I just thought he was feeling rejected." Willow frowned a little bit. "Also, I'm not sure where this fits on the strange-behavior-of-Spike meter, but it wasn't long after that that he and Buffy got together."
"Hold on; he got with the Slayer?" Meredith looked like her eyes were about to bug out of her head. "Wow. I mean; good God, that's got to be the most unlikely thing I've ever heard! No, you must be wrong. His memories totally must have come back before that."
I finally couldn't hold my tongue any longer. "Meredith, why is it important?"
She sighed. "It's just… Why do you trust him? I mean, I've heard all of these seemingly contradictory things about him, and last I heard he was one mean S.O.B. with a few redeeming qualities, and here he is hanging out with humans and trying to keep the world from ending, and he's a candidate for Shanshu, and he's... A bloody nice bloke."
She looked confused, and I knew very much how she felt; I'd been in this place with both Spike and Angel at one time or another. It was incredibly difficult to have your beliefs ripped out from under you like the proverbial rug.
"It's like…It makes no sense. I know Jezzie always said he was an anomaly among vampires, but he's still nothing like she described him. I guess it's just that, you know, I'm not all vampire obsessed like Jezzie, and I don't know anything pertinent other than what she's told me, so I guess I just need to know. Why do you trust him?" Meredith looked to Willow with big eyes; hoping, I suppose, for support from the person who seemed to know Spike best.
Willow's eyes looked far away, reliving memories, I suppose. It took a minute, but eventually she began to speak. "When we first met Spike, he was just like what you've probably heard about him. He has this imposing presence, and the sarcasm and all that. The first time we saw him, Buffy and Xander and I, he was watching from the shadows as Buffy fought another vamp, and once she'd dusted the other guy he stepped out from the shadows and, well, applauded. He was creepy, and threatening and everything; like the perfect bad guy, like something out of a movie."
"The only thing he cared about was Drusilla. Well, he also cared about killing Buffy. But when push came to shove, he gave up on killing Buffy so that he could have Drusilla back. Which is kind of a long story, why he needed to get her back and all. When he came back to Sunnydale, after Drusilla left him, he was…Devastated. I felt bad for him, an evil vampire, because he obviously loved her.
"Over the years, he became like an acquaintance, or a casual friend, and then eventually a good friend. When he was chipped; see, he used to have this chip in his brain, and he couldn't hurt humans; we all started spending a lot more time with him, because he came to us for help.
"I don't know how he does it, but he's very perceptive. Sometimes it's like he knows what you're thinking before you do. He's also very honest, always has been, even when he was soulless. Sometimes he's too honest, in a mind-your-own-beeswax kinda way, which he never used to do; because, well, he was evil and stuff.
"It got to be, well, for me anyway, that he was part of the group. He protected us, and cared about us, although some more than others. He and Dawn, Buffy's little sister… He loves Dawn like she was his own sister. And when Buffy was…Gone, he took really good care of Dawn. And he was a good friend to Tara and I then, too; we all had the same pain, and he tried to help us, which is what convinced me that he felt the same loss as the rest of us."
Willow was getting choked up. Meredith didn't look like she was following too well, but I knew enough to piece the whole thing together. I hadn't thought of it in years, but Spike did jump out as I escorted Dawn home one night, to deliver her birthday present. He's been changing, and none of us really noticed.
Willow's voice picked back up. "Spike loved my best friend, probably still does, and I know she still loves him. My girlfriend cared about him, and he cared about her. He even saved her from her own family, when they wanted to lock her away. When the First Evil had taken over his mind, Spike was strong enough to resist killing Buffy, because he couldn't bear to hurt her. They broke up the first time because, well, it's complicated, but Buffy was hurting, and... Well, that's a really long story not meant for…Nevermind, forget I said anything.
"Anyway, he loves Buffy and Dawn, and at very least cared about Tara and Anya and I. He never really hurt us, even before he got his soul, well, not physically, I did have some nightmares, but at least he never killed my goldfish. He tried to eat me once, when he first got the chip, and he was so upset that he couldn't bite me that I ended up comforting him." Willow giggled a bit at the memory. "He's just… Once you get to know him, even without a soul; even if he'd never admit that he's a nice, emotional guy with a stake to his heart, he is."
Merry still looked confused, but she nodded. I was rather surprised that Willow had been so verbose, and mostly coherent, in defending Spike. Willow's admission that Spike and Buffy loved one another was also a shock. He needled Angel about the Slayer occasionally, and Gunn had tried to pull information about Buffy from Spike, but mostly Spike didn't mention her.
"So, what you're saying is that based on the fact that your girl and your friends are okay with him, you are, too?" Merry arched an eyebrow at Willow.
Willow turned beet red, but didn't stutter or equivocate when she answered. "I have other friends who hate Spike, who refuse to trust him, so I'm not exactly following the crowd on this one. He's proven himself to me more times than I can count. And Tara was the best judge of character I've ever known. I trust Spike because he has a heart filled with love, even if he tries to cover it up sometimes."
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I reviewed Willow's diatribe regarding Spike in my head while driving home. I'd not kept in touch with Rupert, so I missed many of the things Willow mentioned. I'd had little experience with Spike before last June. Granted, since the ghost of the souled vampire appeared in Angel's office, he'd shown himself to be different than I remembered. I'd attributed it to his having a soul, but...
As I pull the motorpool car back into the garage at Wolfram & Hart, on my way to pick up supplies for Illyria, my thoughts turn from Slayers and vampires and Shanshu, toward the coming apocalypse. What had Willow called it earlier, a 'potentially world-ending event'? I suppose after you've survived more than one apocalypse, they lose a sense of immediacy to some people.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Extended disclaimer - I'd like to remind everyone, once more with feeling, that characters featured on BtVS and AtS do not belong to me, they are all property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy Productions. And probably some other people. Just not me. Anyone not familiar from the show is my own creation, although some names have been blatantly stolen. Guess the source, win a prize! Oh, and I'm not making any money from this, and very little glory. Like, Glory without her makeup and heels and perm-from-Hell.