Spike decided the best he could do for Buffy was go for honesty. “I don’t know, Buffy, I don’t know if she is.”
“You weren’t supposed to say that,” she pouted.
“What do you want me to say?”
“Lie. Tell me she’s not angry with us. Tell me she’s happy for us.”
“I want her to be, but I don’t know that. I can’t know that. But, Buffy…either way, we have our lives to live now.”
She pulled her head back. “Do you really feel that way? Or do you think you should feel that way?”
He stared at her.
“You forget I know you, Spike. You forget that I know you have a guilt streak in you to rival mine. And you forget that I,” she tapped his chest, right over his heart, “know your heart.”
He took a ragged breath, shaking his head. “So, my girl is perceptive, eh?”
“Always have been. So?”
“I have had my reservations, yes--”
“I knew it!”
“But, Buffy, if I took up with anyone after your mother, there would have been some guilt attached.”
Her eyes fell to her lap, “But since it’s her daughter…”
“Look at me,” he demanded, something inside him snapping. There was no way he was going to give up the bliss he’d felt from kissing her and holding her; no way he was going to give up the sheer bliss he felt at just loving her over a few uncertainties.
She looked up at him.
“I love you, dammit, and I’m not going to be stopping anytime soon and I don’t want to. Nothing has ever felt so right in all my life and I am not going to let it go – not going to let you go. You are my girl. That’s it. That’s the end of the story. We will work the rest of it out, but I am not going to give something up that makes me a better man, that makes me stronger, and gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning because of some guilt and dreams. I’m staying by your side, Buffy, and that’s it. You’re gonna have to use a crowbar to get me away from you, you understand me?”
She visibly shivered, “Wow.”
“What?”
“That was hot.”
He smiled, “It was?”
She nodded adamantly. “And that helped, believe it or not. It’s just not going to be the end for me and my guilt. You understand?”
He heaved a sigh, “Yeah, I know. I feel it too, Buffy, I do. But . . . I have to move on. I can’t help the fact that I fell in love with you. You’re it for me, that’s all my heart knows, and you’re all it wants. I can’t help that, and God help me, I don’t want to.” Bringing her to him, he kissed her hungrily, reveling in the feel of her body pressing against his. Tangling his hands in her hair, he angled her head and deepened their kiss, dipping his tongue in her mouth, and tasting her sweetness.
“Ahem.”
They both froze and their eyes popped open and locked on one another. Buffy ducked her head and Spike peered over her shoulder. He grinned. “Well, hello there, Bea!”
“Time’s up,” Bea said matter-of-factly. “Buffy’s got lunch.”
Spike sighed, “All right. Can you give us a minute? I’ll walk her in.”
Bea rolled her eyes and trudged off.
Buffy sighed and looked up at him apologetically. “Sorry.”
“What’re you sorry for?” he asked gently.
“For being here.”
He shook his head, “Don’t you apologize for that. You felt you needed help and you got it. Buffy, I love you, so of course I want what’s best for you.”
Now she smiled softly. “Thank you.” Her smile spread, “I love you, too.”
Groaning, Spike smothered her in another kiss and reluctantly broke away when his baser needs started to get a hold of him. “Come on, now luv; let’s get you some food, all right?”
Nodding, looking as reluctant as he felt, Buffy slid off his lap and just raised a brow at the visible erection he was sporting.
“What did you expect?” he grumbled and she laughed.
January 14, 2006
Dear Joyce,
I miss you. I really do. I miss our talks, I miss your guidance. I miss your hugs and I miss your laughter.
I don’t think I ever told you what a wonderful woman I thought you were. I don’t think I ever thanked you for all the things you did for me, and all the things you gave me that I so desperately needed. You helped me in so many ways that gave me the start I needed in my life.
I wanted to discuss Buffy with you. She’s a great girl, Joyce. You did well with her. I wish I could say the same for Hank, but as far as I’m concerned, what you did and what Buffy did out of sheer tenacity, made her into the lovable person she is today.
And I love her Joyce. I love her so much. I know you didn’t think we’d ever get along much less fall for each other, but we have. You are ever present in our minds. The guilt we feel; the worry we have over you and what you think follows us.
But I want to move on Joyce, and I want to help Buffy do the same. I know that how you feel on the matter could go either way – you might bless us, you might hate us. You might have been responsible for pushing us together, or you might be responsible for the obstacles threatening to pull us apart.
Whatever it is that you feel, I want to tell you that I love your daughter very much and I’m going to take good care of her. The last thing I want is for her to suffer any more pain and I am going to be there with her every step of the way as she heals. You’d be so proud of her Joyce; she’s doing so well and trying so hard. She doesn’t quit, she just keeps going, keeps fighting.
I know ultimately you do want us to both be happy, so all I’m asking for here is for you to understand on the off chance that you don’t. It’s not disgusting, it can’t be. What I feel is real and true, I know it. It doesn’t mean that I never loved you, because I did and a part of me always will, it just means that I’m ready to move on – to move on from being a widower, and move on to the next phase of my life. I want that next phase to be with Buffy by my side. I hope that you can understand that. Your understanding would mean so much to her and I.
Thank you for all you’ve done for me –
Goodbye, Joyce –
Spike.
With a blue balloon in hand that he’d gathered from a nearby party store, Spike tied the letter to the string of it, and let it all go from a park bench in Boston Common. He smiled, feeling peace wash over him when it started to snow.
Chapter Thirty two
“I think I’m getting ready to go, Giles,” Buffy said to Giles a week later at the beginning of their session.
“Oh?”
Buffy nodded, fiddling with the hem of her shirt as she sat in his comfy black patient chair. “I am not done with getting some help, because well, I still feel I need it, but I think I am ready to leave being in a facility.”
Giles nodded slowly.
“Could you say something? I’m really nervous about this decision.”
“Why?”
Buffy rolled her eyes. “Because I don’t know if I should go or not!”
“Well, part of being able to leave acquiring is your ability to make such decisions. If you’ve already started to feel that you’re ready to leave, albeit with a reference from me to see someone, then you already must feel that you’re ready to go. Plus, if I didn’t think you could make it outside of here, I’d tell you.”
“I’m afraid,” she whispered.
“Why?”
“Cause it’s safe here. It’s like time out of time. I’m in the world, and yet I’m not. I get to see Spike, but when I feel as though my emotions are going to carry me away, I have a session or our times up. There’s a certain level of safety attached to it that I don’t have out there. Plus… I really like talking with you, Giles. I trust you and I’m afraid to talk with someone new.”
“Buffy, out there doesn’t have to be so different from in here.”
“So, I don’t have to work and do anything but hide out in my room out there?”
He gave her a look, “Funny.”
“You’re gonna miss me, Giles. Admit it.”
“Buffy, out there, when you feel you need to take a step back from Spike, you take that step back. Something tells me he will be quite receptive to your needs.”
“He is,” Buffy agreed, nodding.
“Life can often be overwhelming even for the most well-adjusted. It’s okay to say ‘I need a break’ and to take care of yourself. The one thing I’ve been telling you that you need to do most is to be kind to yourself. You haven’t been for a very long time and you’re not going to heal if you’re not kinder to yourself. The others will come later.”
“And when I am happy, then others benefit from a happy Buffy.”
Giles smiled, chuckling, “Exactly.”
“I haven’t told Spike yet about my decision to move out.”
“When the time is right, you will, Buffy. You might not realize it, but you’re an intuitive girl and you’re good at reading others. Spike, from the little I’ve spoken with him, seems to be the same way – and he’s particularly in tune with you. I think if you explain your side, he’ll receive it well.”
“Do you think he’d receive it well if I told him I just don’t feel comfortable being in that house with him?”
Giles laughed nervously, “Well, I think it’s a topic you should broach with him if you feel that strongly about it.”
“Do you think that’s me running away?”
“No. I think that’s you wanting a fresh start.”
“Can I tell you a little secret, Giles?”
Giles smiled, “I think you know you can, Buffy.”
Nibbling her bottom lip, she scrunched her brows together thoughtfully. “I’m thinking it’s a little…gross…okay, not gross, but a little…ewwww to know that when the day comes that we consummate our relationship,” now her entire face scrunched up, “he slept with my mom!”
Giles burst out laughing, “Oh, Buffy, I think that’s entirely normal and natural and nothing to be ashamed of.”
“Is that something I can tell him?”
“Well, you might want to proceed with caution on that one. I don’t think referring to it as ‘ewwwww’ will help.”
Buffy laughed airily. “Yeah,” she mused, “Probably not.”
“Can I tell you a secret?” Giles asked, grinning, and his eyes twinkling.
Buffy broke into a wide smile. “Of course!”
“I’m going to miss you as well.”
Buffy swept the room again with her eyes and chewed her bottom lip thoughtfully.
“Buffy, luv, I think you have everything,” Spike assured her, holding her suitcase.
She looked up at him and nodded, feeling the onslaught of tears begin to come. Now that she’d made the decision to go, she was feeling a little overwhelmed. After her talk with Giles, she’d felt good about it, and now that it was happening, not so much.
Her knuckles turned white from clutching the duffel bag in front of her tightly. She turned from him, trying to not let Spike onto the fact that the tears were dripping down her cheeks.
“Buffy, look at me,” Spike ordered softly.
She shook her head.
“Luv, please, look at me.”
Wiping quickly at her tears, she looked at him. “Happy?”
“No, because you clearly aren’t. Buffy, what is it?”
“I just…I’m leaving here. I’m afraid. Maybe I’m not ready yet; maybe I need some more time.”
Dropping her suitcase, Spike held out his hand, “Come here.”
Reaching out her hand, she grasped his and dropped her bag, allowing him to pull her into a hug.
“Love, you’re ready to leave. You can do this, and I’m going to be there every step of the way to make sure you can. You have made tremendous steps here, and you are stronger than you realize, Buffy. I know the world can be a scary place, and in here you feel safe because you don’t have to deal with it, but you have to eventually.”
She nodded mutely, afraid that if she spoke, she would openly sob.
“It’s going to be all right,” Spike whispered, stroking her back gently. “It will be. I have faith in you.”
She nodded again, burying her face in his throat. They stood that way for a long time and when Buffy felt she had a handle on her emotions, she took a few deep breaths, disengaged from Spike and nodded. “I’m ready.”
When she saw Giles, however, she lost it. When she saw him waiting by the door, waiting to see her off, Buffy burst into tears and threw herself in his arms. “Thank you,” she murmured, “and I’m scared.”
“Don’t be,” Giles said softly, “You’re ready. And if you need me, you ring me, all right?”
Buffy nodded and pulled back, wiping at her eyes.
“You have my number still, right?” Giles asked, handing her some tissues.
She nodded.
“And you have the list of referrals I gave you?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Let me know as soon as you make an appointment, all right?”
“I will.”
“Buffy, you’re going to be fine. One step, one day, one moment at a time. Don’t try for running, just try at walking. And when that becomes hard, crawl. Okay?”
Biting her lip to keep from crying again, Buffy nodded.
“Buffy?” Spike asked hesitantly.
Looking over her shoulder at him and then to Giles, she said, “Bye Giles, thank you.”
Giles smiled, “Not good bye. I’ll talk with you soon.”
Giving him one last quick hug, Buffy whispered, “Soon,” and hurried off.
“You all right?” Spike asked, full of concern and worry when she came up to him.
“I am,” she said bravely and held her breath as they stepped outside the facility. “Hello world,” she muttered, “I’m ba-ack.”
Their flight wasn’t until the morning, and so after bringing her things to the hotel, Spike took Buffy out for dinner. He felt odd, he felt on edge. It was very much how he felt while she’d been in the facility – he didn’t know how to be. He’d figured that would dissipate once she’d left, but seeing her sad eyes and her reaction to leaving, he was afraid the wrong move would send her back.
“I’m not going to crumble, Spike,” she told him as they walked back to the hotel slowly, hand in hand. It was crisp out, but not unbearable and light snow was dropping from the sky.
“What?”
She smiled knowingly, “You’re worried I’m going to fall apart. You don’t know how to be with me again, I can tell.”
Spike let out a heavy sigh, a sigh so heavy one would think he’d been holding his breath all this time. He felt as though perhaps he had been. “I don’t want to make it worse. I know you’re feeling sad and scared about leaving, and I don’t want to do anything that’s going to send you back there.”
“Spike,” she said, stopping, and making him look at her. “You weren’t responsible for putting me in there in the first place. You know that right?”
He nodded slowly.
“Cause you weren’t responsible for that, and it’s important that you know that. I went there because things were too overwhelming for me at the time. All those years of stress just came pouring over like the last drop in a full sink, and I felt I couldn’t deal properly. You weren’t what sent me there. I told you before, I need you to be you or it’ll just make being out in the world that much worse.”
Spike nodded, feeling a rush of emotion come over him like a tidal wave and he pulled her into a bear hug, peppering kisses in her hair. “What do you want to do now, hmm?”
“I want to take a bath and watch some of those old movies I saw were playing tonight. Do you want to join me? With the movie watching, I mean.”
“Of course,” Spike told her huskily and kissed her quickly. “Let’s go.”
Feeling thoroughly refreshed and relaxed from her bath, Buffy sauntered out into the hotel bedroom to find Spike sitting in a highly uncomfortable looking chair next to the enormous bed in the center of the room.
She furrowed her brow and looked at him. “What are you doing?”
Clearing his throat, Spike sat up in the chair, his back straight. “Watching TV.”
“Isn’t that chair uncomfortable?”
He stared at her long and hard, “Well, I thought you could take the bed,” he said slowly and uncertainly.
Looking from the bed to him, Buffy shook her head, “That’s a whole lotta bed for just one person.” Crawling up the bed, she propped herself up against the headboard. Gesturing to the wide space next to her she said, “See? All that room.” She patted the spot next to her. “Come share it with me.”
He stared at her, blinking.
She patted the spot again and slowly, Spike stood and crawled onto the bed with her. Immediately, Buffy snuggled up to him, resting her head on his shoulder and wrapping an arm across his middle. “There, that’s better, don’t you think?”
“Yes,” he rasped and wrapped his arms around her tightly, kissing the top of her head.
She smiled contentedly. “Got the remote?”
Reaching over onto the bedside table, Spike produced the remote for the TV. Sighing happily, Buffy suggested, “Why don’t you see what’s on?”