“I just love old movies, don’t you?” Buffy said wistfully, burrowing under the covers with Spike. They lay side by side facing one another, hands entwined between them.
Spike shrugged, “They’re all right, I guess.”
Buffy rolled her eyes, “Mostly chick flicks, right?”
Spike grinned, “Yeah. But some of them aren’t bad.”
“But Gene Kelly and Judy Garland singing and dancing is not your thing, right?”
“Not really.”
“You know what I love about old movies?”
“Tell me,” he urged.
“How simple things seemed then. How easy and romantic. I mean, these days getting a good romantic comedy that isn’t filled with sex and some form of cheating is a rarity. They’re hard to come by. But back then, it was wholesome and pure; they made you really believe that those things could happen.”
Spike kissed the back of her hand, “They can happen, love. They have, don’t you think?”
Buffy smiled. “Yeah. We’re more like ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest’ though.”
Spike laughed and tugged her closer, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “I love you.”
Snuggling into him, Buffy murmured, “I love you, too.” She looked up at him inquiringly, “Could I get a real kiss now instead of just these pecks cause--”
His mouth covered hers in an instant and Buffy melted into it, into him. This was perfect. This was what she wanted right now, just this. No stress, no worries, no fears and no guilt. She also didn’t want the looming question of “When will we do it?” She just wanted to spend some time with him, love him, and not worry about all that other stuff. That stuff only complicated things, made things layered and more difficult. But kisses and hugs and affectionate phrases and handholding –that’s what she wanted. The simple things – that’s what she needed.
Spike was the first one to break away, panting into her neck. She could feel his erection against her stomach and decided that while it excited her, she wasn’t ready to do anything about it, so she kept quiet.
“Tired, love?” he asked after a minute, pulling slightly away from her.
She nodded, “I am, it’s been a long day.”
“How about we get some sleep, okay? Tomorrow is another big day.”
Yawning on cue, Buffy nodded, “Okay.”
Rolling slightly, Spike flicked off the light and snuggled back under the covers facing her. She smiled shyly at him and propped her head on his chest. “I love you, Spike,” she whispered.
“I love you, too,” he whispered back, wrapping an arm around her.
Shutting her eyes, Buffy prayed that being back in Sunnydale, and that being back in her mother’s house, would go well the following day. Just the thought of it filled her with uneasiness and she wasn’t quite sure yet how to broach that topic with Spike.
The plane ride was exhausting and all Spike wanted to do was get home and get an exhausted Buffy in bed. She was more than a little grumpy – observed by the few times she’d snapped at him or made a sarcastic comment.
He did make a mental note however; that her mood had started to shift the closer they got to California. And now, in a cab on their way to the house, she was downright sullen, staring out the window, having barely said a word to him.
“Buffy.”
“What?”
“You all right?”
“Yup.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Whatever.”
“Buffy.”
“What”
“What is it?”
“Nothing.”
At that point, he’d had enough too and sat back with disgruntled sigh. “Fine.” If she wasn’t willing to talk, there was nothing he could do to force her. She could be a downright stubborn bint when she wanted to be and now was no exception.
Once they’d arrived home, she was out of the cab in a flash and heading toward the house as if she had something that just couldn’t wait to do inside.
Quickly paying the fare, Spike went after her, carrying his things inside with some difficulty. He found her standing in the living room, quietly, just staring off into space.
He said nothing, but merely watched her as she moved from the living room, to the study, to the kitchen and the dining room and then finally up the stairs, all the while following her, but quietly, not trying to draw attention to it.
Finally, she stood in the doorway of his bedroom, staring inside the room.
“I was afraid to come back here,” she said finally. “Before, when I left, things were felt, but not said and out in the open. Now they are, and it feels different here.” She turned to look at him. “I can’t share your bed.”
“Wh-what are you saying?”
She turned, facing him. “It might seem as though I’m running away, but I’m not, I’m really not. Giles said it was me wanting a fresh start and I really want to go with that. I can’t be here, Spike. I can’t be here with you. I need to leave this place. I feel her here now more than I did before and it’s not…okay, maybe it is partly due to guilt, but mostly, it’s just everything that this place represents for me now. This was where I grew up. This was where I had a loving father. This was also where they split and I then I split, and I don’t want to think of it as my being weak, being unable to live here, but I simply can’t. If I’m going to move on, then I need to put it all to rest.” Swallowing hard, she shook her head and rubbed her temples. “I know I’ve been an awful traveling companion, but the closer we got, the more afraid I became. I mean – who wants to leave their home, right? But I have to.”
Tears were starting to fall and Spike wanted to go to her, but also wanted to give her a chance to get what she needed to get out, out.
“The closer we got, the more I started to think of this house and what it means to me. Rather, what it meant to me then and what it means to me now. Once upon a time in this house, I was a little girl with a family. It’s not the case anymore though. Now it’s a place where I was happy once upon a time, but then I lost my father, and my mother, and now all I feel and see is reminders of it.” She broke off, brushing tears away. “Good days and bad days, Giles said I’d have them. I’m sorry, Spike.”
That was all it took for Spike to lunge at her and gather her in his arms. “Don’t be sorry,” he whispered. “I get it, I understand.”
“Do you?”
“I was thinking I had to leave too.”
She pulled back, “You were?”
“It didn’t seem right to stay here. Felt wrong somehow. Just seemed here, there was too much between us. I want a fresh start too, Buffy. I want to be in a place where we can start new.”
“Spike, do you think it’s wise that we move in together?”
He froze. “You—you don’t want to live with me?”
“I – I had planned on moving out, but I—I hadn’t planned on doing it with you. I mean I didn’t know that you were planning--”
“You already knew you were going to move out?” he asked quietly.
“Well, I’d talked about it with Giles. I was going to tell you--”
“When?”
“When it was the right time.”
“Anytime would have been a good time, Buffy.”
“I didn’t want to hurt your feelings!”
“Well you already did anyway!”
“I thought you’d understand,” she said looking down.
“I—” Growling, he threw his arms up. “I’m tired of being fucking understanding! I don’t want to be understanding here. You fucking took off to Hawaii with that goddamn ponce, then you don’t come home but you leave for Boston and end up in a fucking mental hospital and I’ve been understanding. I’ve been what you needed me to be, but you know what? I need something here too and telling me you’re leaving me is not it!”
“Well, finally, the truth comes out,” Buffy said, crossing her arms across her chest. “Maybe I should push your buttons more often, maybe that’s the only way I can get a little honesty out of you.”
“I have been nothing but honest with you,” Spike said through clenched teeth.
“You know I don’t want the sugar coated version. If you’re going to give it to me, give it to me raw. It’s obviously what you’ve been really thinking. I’m so fucking sorry that losing my fucking mind inconvenienced you, I’ll make sure to time it so that it doesn’t coincide with your schedule!”
“That’s not how I meant it!”
“So, what? I’m supposed to move in with you because I dated Angel? Because I didn’t come home right away? I thought you were off fucking Fred all that time, did you know that? Did you know that I was trying to get a handle on my feelings for you because I didn’t want to have them? That I thought I was sick and I thought you’d think I was too? So Fuck you!”
Storming off, Buffy made it to her bedroom door before Spike grabbed her arm and hurled her to face him. “You think you were alone in thinking you were sick for loving me? I thought I was sick for loving you! I thought it was wrong – do you know the guilt I’ve had? Do you know how I felt I should have been locked up too? And how the bloody hell did you think I felt knowing you were fucking Angel?”
“Let go of me!” She shouted back and yanked her arm back. Stomping into her room, she slammed her door shut and locked it.
“Buffy, luv, let me in.” Just like that, he sounded calm. She was ready to spit nails still and he was calm – how the freaking hell did that happen?
“No!” she retaliated forcefully.
“Buffy, please, luv, just let me in and we can talk. Look, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I yelled at you like that.”
“Just go away, Spike, please,” she said, fighting off tears. Fumbling in her purse that she still had on, she dug for Giles’ number and her phone.
“Buffy, please,” he was begging now and she just couldn’t take it. Heading for her closet, Buffy opened it, stepped inside, turned the light on overhead and sat down on the floor and dialed her trusty therapist.
Chapter Thirty-four
Buffy fell asleep in the closet. After she’d rung Giles, she’d lain back on a pile of clothes and shut her eyes to relax and gather the courage to exit her bedroom and see Spike. Well, apparently, she’d fallen asleep. She’d kicked her closet door open during the night and sun was currently streaming in her bedroom. When a ray hit her eyes, she groaned and shut the door. With some maneuvering she rolled to her side and curled in a ball.
Then, she started to laugh maniacally. I’m hiding in a closet. I called my therapist in a closet. I slept in a closet.
“Giles?” she greeted him, shaking, when she’d rang the night before.
“Buffy, what’s going on? You don’t sound right.”
“Let me see…can you hear this?” she held the phone out the door to see if he could hear Spike pleading with her to let the door open.
Putting the phone back to her ear and closing the door she said, “Well?”
“Buffy, what happened?”
“We had a blow-out. I told him I didn’t want to live here anymore and he told me that he didn’t want to either, and that we’d get a place together where we could start new and all that crap, and it just unraveled from there.”
“How so?”
She launched into what was said and by the time she was finished, she was crying again. “Should I come back, Giles? Should I come back there? Maybe I’m not ready to be here, yet. I’m in a fucking closet. How is that normal?”
“Buffy, take a deep breath and relax.”
“I want to come back, can I come back?” she was pleading as hard as Spike now.
“Buffy, this is a bump in the road.”
“No, this is more like a pothole that blows out your tire.”
“Breathe, Buffy.”
“I am!”
“Not well. Do it with me.”
He led her through some calm breathing and soon, she felt calmer than she had.
“Buffy, listen to me. Here, the same problems are still there. Here, you’re just not facing them head on like you are now. It’s all right. Don’t give up when a challenge comes your way like this. You did the right thing by stepping away from the situation. Now that you’re in a calmer place, think about what you want to say to Spike to try and make him understand where you’re coming from. You tell him that you don’t want to yell, you tell him you want to talk calmly with no shouting, and you stay firm with that. If he yells, you stay calm and tell him that you are not going to yell and you are not going to be snippy with him. You cannot control him, but you can control you and how you react.”
“Okay,” Buffy murmured, bringing her legs up to her chest and dropping her forehead to her drawn up knees. “Do I have to go out there and see him now? I really don’t want to.”
“If you don’t want to discuss it tonight, then don’t. But you should let him know you will discuss it at some point.”
“Okay.”
“Buffy, your reasons are your reasons, you can’t make him understand it, you can’t make him like it, but that doesn’t mean you have to feel guilty for feeling as you do, and that doesn’t mean you have to do as he wants because of that guilt you feel.”
“Things were going so well, Giles,” she whimpered slightly.
“It’s an adjustment period for both of you right now. He’s under stress and you’re under stress. Cut yourself some slack.”
“I’m trying. I just can’t help but feel I shouldn’t have told him like that.”
“Stop beating yourself up. You told him when the subject was brought up and that is fine. Buffy, you just left here yesterday. Remember – crawl before you walk, walk before you run. You’re trying to run here and you need to just walk.”
“I think I’m trying to do hurdles here, never mind just running.”
Giles chuckled, “Why don’t you get some sleep, all right? Tell Spike you’re going to bed and that you’ll talk with him in the morning.”
“Everything looks better in the morning.”
Everything looks better in the morning when you hadn’t slept in your closet, Buffy thought as she stretched her legs out. What the hell have I become that this is how I deal with things? I get mad at my mom, I run to Boston, I get upset over having feelings for Spike, and I stay in Hawaii and then trek off to Boston to face my father. He shuns me and I check myself in the loony bin. Spike freaks on me and I hide in my closet. . . I can hear Giles now, telling me to not beat myself up for this.
It was hard not to though when looking at the pattern. Shades of gray, she reasoned. There were shades of gray here. It wasn’t all black and white. All right, I need to get out of this closet.
Crawling out carefully, Buffy stretched her arms over her head, grimacing when several bones in her body cracked. Feeling a slight cramp in her legs and a crink in her neck and lower back, she entered her bathroom and started a warm shower. This was what she needed. Once she was cleansed, she would go find Spike and try to be calm about things. She just hoped he wasn’t in a foul mood.
Spike jerked awake, the sound of the shower jarring him from sleep. He blinked and rubbed his eyes as he gazed across the hallway, staring at Buffy’s closed door. He’d fallen asleep sitting up in the hallway, waiting for Buffy to leave her room.
He sighed heavily and climbed to his feet. He was stiff and achy, cold and hungry. In short, he was in a rather foul mood. Heading toward the bathroom, he decided to take props from Buffy and take a nice warm shower, maybe after that, he’d feel a bit better and ready to have a chat with her about the night before.
All right, so going off the way I did when she’d just got home was probably not wise. She didn’t need that. I knew she’d been tense the closer we got to California. I knew she was having a hard time with coming back. And as per usual, she wouldn’t talk to me about it. Spike rubbed his scalp harder at the thought of Buffy closing off from him again. But I can’t expect her to talk to me all the time about stuff. Some things she does need to work out on her own without me coddling her. And she did talk to me after about what was bothering her, but…goddammit, I don’t want to be without her now!
Rinsing himself from his shower and stepping out, briskly drying himself, Spike felt a bit better. Physically anyway. We’ll chat it out, come to a decision together, and I won’t yell at her like that again. I’ll listen to her side, and she’ll listen to my side. Maybe I can convince her to move in with me…but I have to find a way to be okay with it if she chooses not to.
Throwing on his clothes quickly, Spike made his way out of his bedroom and down the stairs, noting that Buffy’s door was now open. Coming into the kitchen he found her opening a yogurt.
She looked up at him, timidly. That’s not my girl, Spike thought sadly. My girl is not timid.
“Hi,” she said cautiously.
“Hi, luv. How are you this morning?”
She nodded, swallowing hard. “I’m all right. How are you?”
“Buffy…I’m sorry for yelling at you like that.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner about my plans. I didn’t know when a good time was. I kept putting it off because I was afraid that you were going to react like that.”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.
“You got some things out,” she said shrugging, “obviously you needed to.”
“I didn’t want to do that to you.”
“I just went in my closet and called Giles.”
“You went in your closet?” he sputtered, flabbergasted.
She nodded, “Yep. I find it reflective. It’s my own little nut hut.”
In spite of himself, he laughed. “Oh, Buffy.”
“Look, I do want to talk about this with you, but I’m friggen starving here. Can we talk after we eat, please?”
Spike nodded. “Sure, pet, we can do that.”