“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner,” Buffy apologized again after breakfast. The both of them had eaten outside on the porch in silence. Spike had made toast for himself and shared a bit with Buffy when she’d finished her skimpy yogurt.
He studied her from the cushioned chair he was settled in. “I know you are.”
She nodded and turned from his gaze. “How come you never told me all of that?”
“What?”
She gave him a look. “About Angel and all that stuff you said last night.”
“Well, just like you, I didn’t know when a good time was. Besides, seemed kind of a moot point since you’d already broken up with him.”
Buffy heaved a deep breath, “I hadn’t realized how all that stuff affected you, Spike. I mean I didn’t know what you were going through.”
“How could you? I couldn’t tell you then, now could I?”
“No, I suppose not,” she murmured, looking down at her hands.
“So, maybe we’ve both made some mistakes in how we’ve handled the situation.”
“I didn’t know I was making you so crazy,” she said softly, looking up at him. “I wasn’t trying to.” Her bottom lip trembled and Spike felt like a git. The last thing he wanted was to make her cry. Shooting up from his chair, he was before her in an instant, kneeling at her feet. Reaching up, he cradled her face in his hands. “Don’t cry, luv, you don’t know what it does to me when you cry.”
“I can’t help it,” she said, letting the tears fall. “I spent a long time trying to not cry, and now it’s all I seem to do. I think my tear ducts were backed up or something. They’re making up for lost time.”
Spike chuckled softly and gazed at her searchingly. “Baby, why don’t you live with me, hmmm? Being with one another like this is how it all began.”
“Do you think I won’t want to be with you if I don’t live with you?”
He fell silent, just watching her. He hadn’t thought of it that way before, and now, it sort of made sense. Subconsciously perhaps he had been thinking that.
“And you lived with my Mom for five years,” she continued, “Don’t you want to live alone for a while?”
“No, I don’t.”
She studied him carefully. “Why?”
He ignored the question. “What about you? You lived alone all this time. Do you really want to do that again?”
“Yes and no. Yes, because I know I’m not ready to live with you, Spike. It would be too couple-y, and that means some pressure--”
“I pressure you now?” Spike asked, irritated, and stood.
“No!” she stood and faced him, letting out an exaggerated and aggravated sigh. “You don’t pressure me, but the whole idea of living with you while trying to muddle through all this,” she waved her hand back and forth between them, “is just too much right now. Don’t you think it’s too much?”
“No, I don’t,” he muttered. “I love you, ergo; I want to be with you.”
“You are with me! Just because I don’t think we should live together, it doesn’t mean we aren’t together. Jesus!” Throwing up her arms, Buffy walked away from him to the other side of the porch and leaned against the railing, bottom against the wood rail. Crossing her arms across her chest, she stared at him. “This isn’t about me, Spike. You’re afraid to be alone.”
“Don’t turn this around on me!” he barked.
She bolted up straight. “I’m not going to yell. You want to talk, we’ll talk, but I’m not yelling!”
“You already are!”
Heaving a sigh, she turned her head for a minute and then looked back to him. “I’m stopping,” she said calmly.
“I’m not afraid to--” Punching a fist in the air he shook his head and turned from her. “Bloody hell. Fine, all right, I’m afraid to live alone.”
“Because you were with my mom for so long, right?”
He looked over his shoulder at her, “Yeah, that’s it. I lived with her, then you. I fell for you and the idea of being alone again…I mean, I survived all right while you were gone, but I was mostly going out of my bleedin’ mind.”
“It’s not going to be the same, Spike. It’s not like we’ll really be apart. I’ll come see you; you’ll come see me…”
“Then why don’t we just live together?”
“Because it’s not what we need to do. It won’t help us survive; it won’t get us through all the stuff we need to get through. I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be difficult. And honestly, now that I know that you’re just afraid to be alone, I think you have to do it to prove to yourself that you can.”
“That goddamn journey you’ve been blathering on about?” Spike drawled, scratching the back of his head.
Buffy giggled. “Yeah. That goddamn journey. You’re not alone in being afraid,” she said softly, making her way over to him. Standing before him, she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him. “I’m afraid too.”
Winding his arms around her, Spike buried his face in her neck. “I never should have admitted I was afraid to be alone. That was a mistake.”
Buffy giggled. “You’re terrible.”
“Buffy, I know that you don’t always have to tell me stuff, but some things, I wish you would.”
“I know,” she looked up at him. “I know I’m internal. I keep things inside until I’m about ready to blow. I’m not used to sharing, Spike. It’s not going to be an overnight thing with me, and I’m guessing it’s not with you, either…?”
He smiled sheepishly. “No, it’s not. I was…I was trying to keep it together for you!”
“That’s sweet, but I told you before your feelings don’t cease to exist just because I’m . . . whatever I am.” Laughing nervously, she moved out of his arms. “I’m sorry that I made things so hard. I didn’t know what you were going through.”
Pulling her back against him and wrapping his arms around her, Spike whispered in her ear. “Stop, kitten, don’t beat yourself up here. We agreed we both made some mistakes, had some miscommunication and neither of us dealt with things well.
Spinning in his arm, she beseeched him, “Just like you want me to tell you, I need you to tell me. Cause last night was not fun and I don’t want us blowing up at each other like that.”
“I will try.”
“And so will I.”
Pressing his forehead to hers, he murmured. “I still don’t want to be without you.”
“You’re not,” she whispered. “You won’t be. I don’t love half-assed, Spike. At least, I don’t think I do. I’ve never really been in love before, never knew what it meant to be in love, how it felt…you’re my first. You’re mine and you’re going to stay mine.”
“Till the end of the world,” Spike told her huskily, shaking in her arms, just before devouring her lips with his.
Later, as Spike and Buffy were unpacking and cleaning a bit, Buffy flipped on the radio and immediately shouted for him. Coming into the bedroom to see what was so exciting, Spike found himself on the receiving end of a concert for one.
Turning to him with a giddy grin, Buffy pointed at him and sang along to the song on the radio.
"Listen, baby
Ain't no mountain high
Ain't no valley low
Ain't no river wide enough, baby.
If you need me, call me
No matter where you are
No matter how far
Just call my name
I'll be there in a hurry
You don't have to worry."
Spike rolled his eyes, but couldn't help the smile that bloomed on his face. Grabbing him, Buffy wrapped herself around him and swayed to the music with him as she sang.
"'Cause baby,
There ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you
Remember the day
I set you free
I told you
You could always count on me
From that day on I made a vow
I'll be there when you want me
Some way, some how."
It was then that Spike welled up in tears. He hid them from her by burying his face in her neck as she finished out the song.
"'Cause baby,
There ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you
No wind, no rain
My love is alive
Way down in my heart
Although we are miles apart
If you ever need a helping hand
I'll be there on the double
As fast as I can
Don't you know that
There ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you
Don't you know that
There ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough..."
"Spike?" she prompted quietly once the song was over.
He shook in her arms and cried quietly.
"Baby..." she murmured, stroking his back. “I didn't mean to make you cry! I was trying to make you feel better, let you now how I felt and that I'm still here no matter what...Spike..."
The next thing Buffy knew she was on her bed with Spike kissing her with incredible passion and fire; fire that threatened to engulf them both into flames. And when his hand crept under her shirt, and he cupped her breast in the palm of his hand, Buffy felt a stirring in her center at the same time abject fear took hold.
Oh boy, she thought.
Chapter Thirty six
His mouth, Buffy decided, was magic. It made all thought leave her mind and turned her into a puddle of goo in a matter of seconds. With his mouth and his passion, he could go on the road and seduce women everywhere.
Well, really, if she compiled a list it would be his stunning smile, the adorable look he got when he was caught doing something he shouldn’t have been doing, his tight ass, his laugh, his deep voice, his ability to make her feel like the only woman in the world, his embrace, how he made her feel protected and cherished, his wit, his intelligence – all of those things combined served to make Spike the perfect man. No wonder her mother –
Like a cold bucket of ice had been dumped on her, Buffy pushed at Spike who took her pushing to mean she needed to breathe and started leaving nibbling kisses down her neck instead.
“Spike--” she gasped, her nipples tightening and hardening under not only his expert hands that went along with his expert mouth, but from the sensation of feeling his erection rubbing oh-so-perfectly against her core.
He wasn’t listening, or, if he was, he wasn’t answering.
“Spike, please, you have to stop.”
That did it. He froze, lifted his head up slowly to look at her and removed his hands from under her shirt.
She looked at the worry and confusion on his face and felt guilty – not to mention stupid. Of all the things to think of, she thought of her mother at a time like this?
Was it completely off base for her to think of how the man hovering above her had slept with her mom? For five years. She had to assume they had a healthy sex life, and the idea of sleeping with the man that slept with her mother, was more than a little unnerving. It was…creepy, and well, kind of gross. And yet not. On the other end of the grossness factor was an incredibly hot man that was in love with her, and with whom she was in love with.
And so begins the circles my thoughts will now take. Round and round and round… This should be fun. As if I didn’t have enough in my head. Well, this wasn’t exactly old, but I didn’t think sex was yet a…thing.
“Buffy?”
“I’m sorry. I—I can’t. I’m not ready.”
He rolled off her completely, lying on his back with a hand across his face. “’M sorry.”
“Don’t be.”
“I am, just the same.”
“What um, what happened there, killer?” she asked, trying to lighten the sudden heavy mood.
He chuckled nervously. “You, singing to me--”
“Man, that Marvin Gaye is good.”
“—and…and you leaving me.”
“I’m not leaving you!” Buffy exclaimed, throwing her arms up, frustrated.
“Kitten, I can’t help it. I’m scared. We covered this remember? I like having you here with me. I like just having you with me. I like coming home after a long day and being alone with you.”
“Spike, I work with you. You’re spending those long days with me.”
Rolling onto his side, he gathered her in his arms and nuzzled her neck. “You move me, sweetheart, singing to me like that. No one’s ever sung to me before and with such enthusiasm.”
Buffy giggled, “Well, that’s just ‘cause I’m a gigantic dork. I figured from one dork to another…”
“Hey!” and he swatted her bottom.
“Oooh… you’re getting frisky!” Buffy laughed.
Toppling her, Spike leaned in and kissed her hungrily. “There’s more where that came from,” he told her huskily.
“Spike, I…it’s not that I don’t want to,” she whispered. “But I’m not ready.”
With a sigh and a nod, he collapsed against her, resting his head on her breast. “But you do want me?”
“How could I not?”
He popped his head up and grinned, “Thanks.”
Buffy giggled, and wove her fingers through his hair, playing with his unruly curls. “I just feel like we’ve been through a lot already and in many ways still getting to know each other. I just got back from being locked up and--”
In a flash he was off her, and pacing. “Christ. I’m such a cad.”
“Cad?”
“Yes, I’m a cad,” Spike continued on. “I shouldn’t have pushed you like that.”
“Spike, you didn’t push me. I asked you to stop, you stopped.” Sitting up and then standing, she took his hand and squeezed it. “I just want to be with you without the complications right now and sex creates complications…don’t you think?”
He nodded mutely and tugged her in for a hug. Propping his chin on top of her head, he whispered. “We’ll take our time.”
“Thank you.”
“I’ve got an idea. How about I take you out, hmm? Go out for dinner, maybe a movie too, if you want.”
“Like a date?”
Leaning back, he put his finger under her chin, making her look at him. “Not like a date. An actual date.”
Buffy smiled, “I’d like that.”
Later that evening, Buffy and Spike sat in a nearby pizza joint, sharing a super greasy cheese pizza and giggling like teenagers.
“Pet, I could have taken you somewhere a little nicer, you know,” he informed her as she took a gigantic cheesy bite.
“Yeah, I know,” she said once she’d swallowed, “but I love this place and I was craving greasy pizza. I love it when the pizza’s so greasy the cheese just slides off. Did you want something else?”
“No, this is perfect for me,” he said fondly, gazing at her adoringly.
“Spike?”
“Yes, love?”
“How did you get the nickname, Spike?”
Nearly choking on his pizza, and his face going red from it, Spike gulped down some Coke. “Why do you want to know that?”
“Oh, I don’t know…maybe because I don’t get it. I mean, I’m used to it and never thought to ask before, but now I want to know. Why?”
“It’s a little dirty.”
“Should I cover my virgin ears?” Buffy whispered and leaned in closer.
Spike grinned. “If you cover your ears, you won’t hear how I got the nickname,” he whispered back.
“Good point. So, how?”
“Why are we whispering?”
“Because it’s fun. Tell me.”
“I had this girlfriend in college…”
Buffy forced herself to not visibly cringe. “Yeah?”
“And she was kind of a nutter. Okay, I’m not whispering anymore. Anyway, she was more than a little tapped and quite kinky. Well, one night at a party, she dragged me in a bedroom and pretty much attacked me and was screaming ‘Spike me! Spike me!’ My friends heard her and started calling me ‘Spike’ to tease me – why are you scowling?”
“Why am I what? Maybe you should have really whispered that.”
“No dodging, luv. You were scowling.”
Buffy shrugged nonchalantly and started collecting their trash. “What time is the movie?”
A look of awe passed over his face. “You’re jealous.”
Buffy rolled her eyes. “Please, William.”
“You are!”
“I am not,” she grumbled and slid out of the booth, heading for the trash with Spike hot on her heels. “I’m just thinking I should call you William from now on.”
Spinning her around, he smiled down at her, “It’s okay to be jealous, kitten. It actually makes me feel rather good. Do you know how much I wanted to club Angel with his arm after I ripped it off him?”
Buffy giggled. “I do now.” She pouted, “I don’t do jealousy well.”
Leaning in, Spike stole a kiss. “You have nothing to be jealous about, love. You’re my girl for …forever.”
“Really? Forever’s a really long time. You sure you want to be saddled with me for that long?”
Kissing her again, he whispered, “More than sure, sweetheart, more than sure.”
“Come on Romeo, these people didn’t pay for a show with dinner.” Tugging him outside, Buffy pulled him to the car.
“Why would you think I wouldn’t want to spend forever with you, luv?”
“Cause it’s…forever. I mean, I’m not expert, but forever is…forever, ya know?”
Opening the door for her, Spike pecked her lips quickly before she slid in. “I’m not a chronic dater, Buffy.”
Waiting until he had slid in on his side and buckled in, Buffy turned into him slightly. “Can I ask a somewhat touchy question?”
“Sure.”
“If my mom hadn’t… you know…would you have stayed married to her?”
Spike took his hand from the ignition and looked at her. “Probably.”
“Probably? That doesn’t sound like you’re sure.”
He sighed, “Buffy, my life with your mom was content. Like I told you before, she took care of me and I was fine that way.”
“I sense a but here.”
He nodded, “But…I was starting to feel restless. Since your mom took care of things, took care of me, I never needed to ask for much, or ask about much. I had a job, a house, a wife – and in some circles, I had a kid too. According to the American Dream, I had it all.”
“But you’re not American.”
“No, I’m not.”
“So, you were feeling less content?”
“Yes.”
“Oh.”
“Are you upset by that?”
“No,” she said honestly, shaking her head. “You wouldn’t have cheated on her would you?”
Spike looked down at his hands. “No.”
“What is it?”
“Do you ever wonder?” he whispered.
“Wonder what?”
“Wonder what would have happened if you hadn’t left, if you’d stuck around.”
“You mean--?”
He nodded, looking at her shamefully. “I can’t help but think of it sometimes. I think I – I mean I know I--” he shook his head, looking away from her. “I’m awful. You think I’m awful, don’t you?”
Unbuckling, Buffy slid over to him and wrapped an arm across his middle, resting her chin on his shoulder. “Spike, no. I don’t think you’re awful. I wondered the same thing, I just felt awful myself for thinking it, but…but this thing we have…”
He turned to her, “You feel it too, don’t you?” he asked softly. “This thing that binds us together.”
“Yes,” she whispered. “I feel it too. But I know you couldn’t have done that to her, and I couldn’t have either.”
He nodded and pulled her onto his lap. “That’s right. We wouldn’t have.”
“It just wasn’t time for us, right?”
“No, it wasn’t time for us then. Now it is though, now it is,” and he kissed her softly, and yet fervently.
Wrapping her arms around him, Buffy buried her face in his neck. “I want to apologize in advance.”
“For?”
“For not being very good at relationships.” Teasingly, she added, “I know I seem oh-so worldly and experienced, but I’m not. I’ve had few boyfriends, none of them having worked out. I’m…I’m kind of a freak when it comes to relationships.”
“What do you mean?”
“They said I was too independent, and yet, I really wasn’t. Or at least it wasn’t that way for me. Inside I wanted to cling to them and never let go and the more I felt that way, the more I pulled back. And it wasn’t that any of them were any real great prizes either. They really weren’t, but they wanted me and that’s all I knew.
I was always so alone and so tired of being that way and when some guy was there sweet talking me and showering me with affection, I sucked it up. My Dad didn’t think I was anything special, but someone did. So very Freudian. Some guy did. Inevitably, I’d start to lose myself in them and I couldn’t lose myself so I pulled back from them and they didn’t like that. They didn’t know how much inside I wanted to wrap around them like a vine, and I couldn’t tell them. My Dad knew how much I wanted to be part of his life and he shoved me out. For a long time I thought he saw something ugly inside of me, something that made him tire of me, something that made him disgusted with me, and so in my warped mind I reasoned that those guys would find the same thing inside me, and I couldn’t bear for another rejection.”
“Oh, kitten,” Spike said hoarsely, “There is nothing ugly about you. You’re so beautiful – inside and out.”
“Thanks.”
“It’s true.”
“One of the things I love so much about you Spike is that I’m free with you. I can tell you that you’re not allowed to like anyone more than me, and that I need you and …and it doesn’t scare you. You let me be me. And while it might scare me, I can’t stop from wanting to be with you and loving you, and you don’t run from me. Or at least, you haven’t yet.”
“I never will,” he whispered. “Look at me, kitten.”
Gulping, Buffy peered at him through the dusky light.
“For forever, Buffy,” he told her firmly. “You’re my girl for forever. It wasn’t our time then, but it is now and I’m not ever gonna let you go, okay?”
Buffy nodded. “Okay.”