February 7, 2006
How much can a man unravel before the world sees it? Can a storm be raging inside him that threatens to bring him and those around him to their knees and be virtually undectable?
I am falling apart. I am a mess and no one can see it. Not my precious girl who tells me every day that she loves me and yet fails to see that I am in shreds inside.
It wasn’t that I had lied to her when I said I was going to be supportive of her moving out, finding a job and all that rot. I had felt positive at that point in time, felt I was doing the right thing.
Logically, I see it was the right thing to do, but I don’t feel it. I don’t want it, and yet today, I am helping her move into the apartment I helped pick out for her. I have sent her off to start a job that is not with me and every time she is so excited about her day and what she did, I feel it’s a punch to my gut. Will one day she tell me she doesn’t want me anymore? That she’s all set now and doesn’t need me anymore? Will it matter that I need her? Will it matter that she’s the only woman that has completely possessed me and that I’d turn to ash if she left me?
I want to make love to her so bad. I can’t fucking sleep in the same bed with her anymore without having to whack off in the morning. And so now I retreat to my room oftentimes to sleep, laying there feeling I want to roar to the heavens my frustration and fears, but not being able to.
God, I want to be inside her. She says there’s more to a relationship than sex and she is absolutely right, there is, but to me it’s a further expression of what I already feel for her, how I already love and cherish her and I want to show it to her. I want to be part of her, and the only way I can be physically part of her is by being inside her. Why won’t she let me in? What is it?
Now she’ll just be further away from me by moving out. And she’s so excited about it, so excited with her plans and how she’ll make me dinner when I come over, how we’ll watch movies on the couch she bought for herself and how we can ‘bless’ her new home by having Thanksgiving there this year.
I DON’T WANT THIS TO FUCKING HAPPEN!!
Standing the middle of Buffy’s cozy, but bare, cream colored kitchen, Spike watched Buffy place glasses in a cabinet, watched how her lean body stretched, how her shirt rode up over her flat stomach and how her breasts rose with her.
In his minds eye, he walked over to her, spun her around and kissed her breathless. She wound herself around him, tasting of honey and the coconut lip gloss she wore. He hoisted her up on the counter and slid her pants down her legs. When her pants and panties were gone, he’d kneel before her and lave her honey pot with his tongue, coaxing her to cum for him –
“Spike? Are you hungry? Do you want to order a pizza? I’ll pay since you helped me move and all.”
He blinked at her and nodded dumbly, going for his phone. He watched how she bent over to grab some more glasses, her perfect rear end facing him. This time he imagined taking her from behind, watching her ass ripple with each thrust into her body –
“Hello? Who’s there?” an annoyed pizza man demanded into the phone.
Clearing his throat, Spike placed the order quickly, and hung up. With a sigh, Spike raked a hand through his hair and headed for her living room. He sat down on her new blue and green plaid couch, feeling he needed to get the fantasies out of his head before he did something about them.
He surveyed her apartment, noting how nice it really was. Perfect for just her. Upon entering was a dining area that spilled into a brand new kitchen. Off the kitchen was the bathroom and around the corner from that was a hallway and down that hallway was the living room on the right and further down on the left was her bedroom. With the money she’d had tucked away, she’d managed to buy some furniture at a good price and have it delivered before she moved in. She had been a busy bee all right.
“Spike?”
“Yeah?” he answered tightly.
Poking her head in, Buffy came in and settled down next to him, twisting her body so that her back was against the arm of the couch and her legs rest in his lap. “How much is the pizza?”
“Twelve bucks.”
“Okay. You all right, hmmm? You seem a little tense.”
“I’m fine.”
“Are you averse to flowers?”
“What?” his mind was not on this conversation. In his mind, he was now between her legs, pumping himself inside her wet heat, feeling her surround him, hearing her tell him that she loved him.
“I want to make you an arrangement of flowers as a thank you.”
“For what?” he asked, a little more abruptly than he intended.
She smiled warmly at him, “For being you.”
His heart warmed and his body ached. He loved her so damn much and wanted her so damn bad. Pulling her to him so that she was on his lap, he kissed her hungrily. “I love you so much,” he whispered huskily.
“Mmmm…I love you too.”
His hands itched to slide under her shirt, to feel the breasts that were pressed against him, to use his mouth and make her peaks hard and aching for him.
“I need to use the bathroom,” he said, his tone strained. All but dumping her on the couch, he strode off to the bathroom to whack off for the second time that day.
“Hey, Buffy, I was wondering…” Willow began the following day at work as she watched Buffy snap a digital photo of a recent arrangement.
“Yeah?” Buffy asked, looking over the photo she’d just taken.
“Would you care to have dinner with me tonight?”
Buffy looked up from the camera and stared at Willow. “You want me to have dinner with you?”
Willow frowned slightly. “Yeah, I mean, if you want to. You certainly don’t have to, but see a friend of mine was supposed to go out with me tonight and now he has a date and it’s my birthday and I--”
Buffy’s eyes bugged and her jaw dropped. “Your friend blew you off on your birthday?”
Willow sighed heavily. “Well, he’s been wanting to date this girl for a long time, in fact, he’s asked her out repeatedly and she’s always turned him down. This time, of course, she says yes. What kind of friend would I be if I told him not to go?”
“Yeah, but what kind of friend is he to bag on you on your birthday?”
“I’ve known him since I was two, so really, it’s not that big of a deal.”
“Well, I am supposed to hang out with Spike – you know my stepfather?” Coward! “But let me call him and tell him I’ll see him after.”
“Buffy, I don’t want to tear you away from spending time with him--”
“Wills, really, it’s not a big deal. We’ll go out, have some dinner, maybe get a drink, and I’ll see him after, okay?”
Willow sighed and nodded. “You sure?” she asked sheepishly.
“I’m more than sure. Let me just call him quick okay?”
Willow smiled. “Sure, thanks Buffy.”
Smiling back, Buffy headed for the back room to make her call to Spike. Man, please let this go over well, she thought as the phone rang.
“Summers Gallery,” Spike answered on the second ring.
“Hey, it’s me.”
“Buffy, my love, I was just thinking about you. Do you want pasta or Chinese tonight?”
Shit. This is going to be bad isn’t it? Am I doing a bad thing here? We see each other every night, I got an invite out and I want to go—is that wrong of me?
“Spike, um, can I see you after dinner?”
Silence, then, “What do you mean?”
“Um, Willow kind of asked me if I’d go out to dinner with her. It’s her birthday tonight and she got blown off.”
“You could invite her over with us,” Spike suggested hopefully.
“Spike, she doesn’t know you…”
“Then this is a good chance for her to get to know me.”
“Spike…can I just come over after I go out with Willow? I don’t have any girlfriends, I’ve never really had many at all actually and I really like her and she’s my boss and--”
“Go, Buffy.”
He didn’t sound right. He sounded angry, which was not what she wanted to make him feel. More than anything, Buffy hated it when he was angry with her. Course, she hated it when anyone was angry with her, it made her fear that they’d be so angry with her they’d leave her.
“I’ll come over after,” she started.
“No, it’ll be late.”
“I could just come over to sleep,” she said hopefully.
“No, I think you should go home after, Buffy,” he said firmly. “Go out with Willow. Have a good time.”
He hung up then before she could get a word in and Buffy welled up in tears. She couldn’t do anything right by him, could she? It wasn’t like I was blowing him off, I was trying to do both. I see him every night…can’t he see this is a good thing? Having friends is a big thing for me. I don’t have any at all right now! Giles and Angel were the only one outside of Spike that I’d talked to since my Mom died and in Boston I barely had any friends. Sure I had the revolving door of boyfriends, but no girlfriends. I need a girlfriend. Okay, I’m not going to feel guilty about this, I’m not. I’ll just go over after and see Spike anyway.
Trying to fight the building guilt, Buffy made her way out to inform Willow she’d be accompanying her for dinner that evening.
Around the corner in Summers Gallery, Spike resisted the urge to fling the phone against the wall. And so my losing her begins. This is what I get for trying to be fucking supportive and understanding.
Chapter Forty-four
Buffy’s night out with Willow had not been as much as fun as she’d been hoping, and they had gone to a nice Italian restaurant too. Not the usual fanfare of quick meals, but a nice place that served a five course type of dinner. However, constantly in the back of her mind was Spike; what he was doing and how angry he was with her.
She longed to share with Willow about her problem with Spike, longed to tell someone that was not her therapist, but someone that was possibly her friend. This was what girlfriends did, didn’t they? They talked about stuff like this. They “dished”.
Except you haven’t even told Willow that Spike is your boyfriend because you’re afraid she’ll look down on you. I’m so horrible. How would Spike feel if he knew this? He’d be mortified, he’d be incredibly hurt! Which is why I’ve done so well at keeping him from coming around…
It was true. She beat him to the punch of going to see him so that he wouldn’t feel so inclined to see her, plus, she’d told him, she was a busy girl and didn’t want to “get in trouble” by having visitors yet. Respectfully, he’d kept his distance though she knew it bothered him.
What didn’t bother him these days? He was frightfully moody as of late and constantly in a daze. She was hoping that whatever it was, he’d talk with her about it when he was ready, but it was nearing “Go time” on drawing it out of him.
And there I am, being a hypocrite again.
“Do you have a boyfriend, Buffy?” Willow asked, sipping her Appletini.
“Uh, kind of--” Just fucking say it! “Not.”
Willow nodded, “Me either. Why do you think that is?”
“Why do I think you don’t or why do I think I don’t?”
“Why do you think you don’t?”
“Well, Willow, if I knew the answer to that one, I would most likely have a boyfriend then, wouldn’t I?”
Willow smiled and laughed. “I like you, Buffy. I think we’re going to be great friends, don’t you? I knew you were a kindred spirit the minute you asked me for an application.”
Buffy smiled, feeling uneasy. She wasn’t used to making friends so easily and it was making her slightly nervous. “Why don’t I get you another drink? On me.”
“Fred, hi, what are you doing here?” Spike greeted the brunette, a tad disoriented. He’d been about to eat the pizza he’d ordered when a knock came at the front door.
“I decided to take my chance on getting kicked out again,” Fred said, smiling slightly.
Spike looked down. “Yeah, about that…I’m sorry. I was out of line.”
“Apology accepted. What are you up to? Buffy here? I saw the ‘For Sale’ sign outside. You moving?”
“Yeah, uh, why don’t you come in? Hungry? I got pizza.”
“Sure, I’d love a slice actually.”
Following Spike into the kitchen where he handed her a paper plate, Fred asked again where Buffy was.
“She’s out with a friend,” Spike muttered.
“Oh?”
“Yeah, she got a new job, she has a new place to live and she’s made a new friend. Now, you going to tell me how I’m not losing her? Cause she’s pretty much doing all she can to be away from me, don’t you think?”
“At the risk of getting kicked out again, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that no; it doesn’t sound like you’re losing her for those reasons. It sounds like Buffy is trying to have a life. And I think instead of moping about it and obsessing over the fact that she’s trying to be independent, which in the long run will only make the both of you stronger, maybe you should get a life too.”
Spike stared at her, stunned. “What?”
“Spike,” Fred said gently, “What you’re going through is normal, and you don’t see it, but I figured it out with all that you’ve told me.”
“And just what is it that I’m going through, eh?”
“You lost your parents, you found Joyce, you lost Joyce, and you found Buffy.”
“Buffy came to me.”
“You found each other and depended on each other for quite some time. She needed you and it filled a void in you that needed to be needed. You also needed her and when she left for that spell and landed herself in the institution for suicidal thoughts, you thought you could have lost her too. Whether you realize it or not, you’re just reacting from a place where you’re afraid to lose one more person--”
“No shit, Fred!” Spike shouted. “Haven’t I been saying this all along?”
“Spike, you don’t see it, not really. You see that Buffy being independent means you’ll lose her, but you don’t see that it’s all related to the loss of your parents and to the loss of Joyce. Spike, did you ever properly grieve for them?”
Spike welled up in tears. “What are you trying to do?” he asked hoarsely.
“I’m trying to help you. I’m trying to help you and Buffy so you don’t lose her!”
“I don’t want your fucking help! I don’t need you analyzing me; you don’t know what’s going on!”
“Spike, please, listen--”
He shook his head. “I think you should go now.”
“You’re kicking me out, again?”
“Yes!”
Watching the man fall apart before her, watching how his shoulders wracked with sobs that he was trying to desperately keep inside, Fred shook her head. “No, I’m not going to leave you alone like this.”
“I don’t want you here!”
“That’s too bad; I’m not going to leave you like this,” Fred said sternly.
Spike stormed out of the room with a growl of frustration and Fred went to the fridge thinking, People always leave important phone numbers on a fridge, don’t they? Quickly perusing the magnets and papers attached to the fridge, Fred found what she was looking for, pulled out her cell, and dialed Buffy.
“I’m vibrating,” Buffy giggled and reached into her pocket to grab her cell. “Hello?”
“Buffy, it’s Fred.”
“Fred? Spike’s friend, Fred?” Buffy asked, thoroughly confused.
“Yes. Buffy, I’m here now at the house and I think you should come.”
“What’s wrong with him? What did you do?” Buffy asked, jumping up from the table and walking away to the bathroom hallway to hear Fred better.
“I, well, I’m afraid I said some things he found painful to hear. I thought you should know he’s in a bad way right now.”
“Where is he? What is he doing?” Buffy demanded.
“He’s in the bathroom I think. He’s rather upset.”
“I’m on my way. Try not to say anything else to upset him!” Slapping her phone shut, Buffy marched back to the table. “Wills, I gotta go.”
“What’s going on? Is everything all right?” Willow asked, concerned.
“It’s Spike, he’s not doing so well. I’m not sure what happened, but I gotta go.”
“Who was that on the phone?”
“A friend of his. Look, I’m sorry, I really am.”
“Buffy, no, its okay, I understand. You want a ride?”
Buffy sighed with relief, “That would be great, thank you.”
“No problem.”
The pair threw down their portion of their bill and headed out. Buffy couldn’t move fast enough. She was sure she could run home at that point and make it quicker than a car with all the sudden adrenaline coursing through her.
Please let him be all right… she thought, and immediately burst into tears just as Willow reached over and unlocked her door for her.
“Buffy!” Willow exclaimed, “I don’t – what is it? Is it your mother? Is he having a real hard time?”
“I-It’s not t-that. I don’t know what it is right now,” Buffy managed through tears.
“Do you have any idea at all?”
Buffy nodded, her tone mournful, “Yeah, me moving out and getting a new job.”
Willow looked startled. “He’s… forgive me for saying this, but – isn’t that quite dependant of him? I mean I realize he just lost your mom, but--”
“Willow, he’s my boyfriend,” Buffy blurted out. “I didn’t want to tell you ‘cause I didn’t know how you’d take it and I didn’t think I could handle it if you thought it was gross or something, but…” Taking a deep breath and not looking at Willow at all, Buffy continued with her spiel. “But we’re together. We have been for a little while now and it’s not…gross. It’s not sick and twisted like you might think. We didn’t even know each other for a very long time, and when I came back home to bury my mother I had no place to go and no one to care for me and Spike took me in and did all that, and he’s been there right along. We’ve been there for each other actually and I know you might think it’s sick and wrong, but he’s a good man and we went through a lot of stuff with feeling guilt because of my mom and--”
“Buffy, stop right there.”
Buffy stopped her incredibly long tirade with a snap of her jaw and kept staring straight ahead, afraid to see the look on Willow’s face.
“Buffy, I’m gay.”
Okay, that was not what she expected. Turning slowly to Willow she said, “What?”
Willow heaved a sigh and stared straight ahead, “I’m gay, Buffy, and some might say that’s sick and twisted. In fact many, like my parents, have. It’s given me some perspective on how to view things in a not so judgmental light when you yourself have been judged harshly.”
“So, you’re not gonna fire me? You don’t think it’s sick?”
Willow blew air through her teeth. “Well, it’s a little unconventional, I’ll give you that. And no, I’m not going to fire you. What you do in your personal life has no bearing on what you do for me professionally.”
“Yeah, I know. I do love him very much and loving him isn’t sick to me. Though the things I’ve done and not done point to that and …he hasn’t been himself for a while and I don’t think I’ve helped.”
“Like getting a job of your own and your own place? That doesn’t sound so bad to me; you need to do those things for yourself, don’t you?”
“Yeah, it doesn’t end there…And I’d be more than willing to share except I kind of want to get to him right now….”
Willow shook her head. “Of course, sorry! Off we go.”
When Buffy climbed out of the car and Willow had wished her luck, Buffy found Fred sitting on the porch, waiting for her.
“Where is he?” Buffy demanded.
“Upstairs, lying down. Buffy, could we talk before you see him?”
“Can I see him first?”
“Not sure that’s a good idea. He’s not in the right frame of mind to have you tell him you’re coming to talk with me. He doesn’t even know I called you.”
Buffy sighed and nodded. “What the hell happened? What did you say to him?”
“I told him some things he didn’t want to hear.”
“Like?”
“Buffy, has he expressed any concern over your leaving him as of late?”
Buffy stared at her, “Yes. He has. He was pretty bad for a little bit, kind of…possessive and constantly up my ass…why?”
“Buffy, he’s got it in his head that you’re going to leave him, and that you already are. He’s got the symptoms of separation anxiety here, but it goes beyond that. He lost his parents, he lost Joyce, and then he felt as though he were going to lose you once upon a time.”
Buffy welled up in tears and nodded.
“Don’t feel guilty for that, Buffy, please. That won’t help.”
“What do you expect me to do?” Buffy exclaimed. “How can I not feel guilty for that?”
“You were going through your own thing--”
“Yeah, and because of my thing, he’s going through his.”
“Buffy, this isn’t a problem that can’t be fixed. Subconsciously, he doesn’t even see it happening. He thinks you’re leaving when you’re clearly not and sees any independence on your part as you’re having one foot out the door in regards to your relationship. He takes your independence as a personal slight against him. Buffy, he needs help. I told him these things tonight and he reacted badly, buy maybe if it came from you—“
“No go, Doc. I tried to tell him he might need to see someone when he freaked about…” Buffy shook her head, frustrated. “He freaked about my not having sex with him, and he got a little scary and when he calmed he felt horrible and…” Again, Buffy started to cry. “I don’t what to do, Fred. Should I move back? Should I quit my job? I don’t know what to do for him.” She had never felt so helpless and so incredibly useless at the same time. How did you help someone with their problem when you were part of that problem?
“You absolutely cannot move back or quit your job. That is not what he needs, that will make it worse, as silly as that sounds. Get him help, Buffy. I’m too close to the situation so I won’t be any help, but you’ve got to get him some help.”
“How?”
“Try telling him you’ll go with him. Buffy,” Fred began on a sigh, “I’m afraid of what’ll happen if he doesn’t see someone and get over this.”
“I’ll do what I can. Can I…can I call you if I need to?”
“Of course,” Fred said and stood. Digging into her purse she handed Buffy a business card. “Anytime, ok?”
“Thanks, Fred. I know I was kind of harsh with you, but…I was a little jealous.”
Fred smiled warmly. “Buffy, he’s always been yours and I’ve always known it.”
“Thanks.”
“Call me soon, okay?”
“Will do.”
Nervous, Buffy ascended the stairs slowly to Spike’s room. Her heart was racing and her legs were shaky. It wasn’t that she was afraid of him so much as afraid for him. What kind of state would he be in? Would she be able to help? Was her presence going to make him worse? I should have asked Fred that…
Pushing slightly on the door to his bedroom, she found the room engulfed in darkness. Slightly, from the light of street lamps, she could make out his form on the bed.
“Go away, Fred.”
“It’s not Fred.”
Quietly, his voice whimpered, “Buffy?”
“It’s me. I’m here.”
“What are you doing here?”
“I told you I would come,” she said lightly, figuring maybe now was not the time to mention Fred calling her.
“Did you have fun?”
Creeping in, Buffy came round the bed and climbed in next to him, brushing the side of his face with her fingertips lightly. “I did. How are you?”
“Fine,” he said sullenly.
“You don’t sound fine,” she returned lightly.
“Did you see Fred on your way in or did she shove off?”
“I saw her briefly. What’s up?”
“Nothing. Told you, I’m fine.” And he rolled over, turning his back on her.
Pushing herself forward, Buffy wrapped her arms around him and kissed the area between his shoulder blades. “I love you, you know.”
He said nothing.
“I do. Even if you don’t believe me, I do. I love you more than anything in the world and I need you more than you know, Spike, I do--”
“Buffy, please,” he whispered and she could tell from the shaking of his shoulders that he was crying.
“I’m here,” she whispered, “I’m here.” And she continued to whisper to him until the both of them were fast asleep.