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Chapter Forty-seven


Buffy stared at him for a minute. “What?” she asked finally as if she hadn’t heard him.

He stared back, studying her. “Does it bother you that I had sex with your mother while I was married to her?” he asked bluntly. She had a feeling he was humouring her by repeating the question.

She shook her head and went to her jewellery box, hunting for a hair tie. “What kind of question is that?”

“You’re avoiding.”

“I’m not avoiding!” she exclaimed and hastily tied her hair up, turning to face him. “I just don’t understand where that question came from.”

“You forget that I know you pretty damn well, Buffy. When you’re lying you either get defensive and won’t look me in the eye or you look at me straight in the eye.”

“So, what? I look at you or I don’t look at you. I must lie all the time then.”

“Don’t make this about something else. You damn well know what I mean. Just answer the damn question!”

“Yes, okay!” She exclaimed throwing up her arms in frustration. “Yes, it bothers me. Every time I think of having sex with you all I think about is how you had sex with the woman who bore me. For Christ’s sake, how can you not think about how the woman you want to fuck is the daughter of the woman you fucking married! You were inside her body and now you want to be inside mine! Is that what you fucking wanted to hear?”

“Yes! At least it’s the goddamn truth,” Spike spat, crawling out of bed hastily. “You’re unbelievable, you know that?”

She said nothing, waiting for him to continue.

“You have felt this way the whole damn time and made excuses right and left when this was what it came down to. Did you lie to me when you said you wanted me? Did you just tell me what I wanted to hear?”

“No,” she said softly, looking down. “I do want you.”

“But I slept with your mother and I’m used goods.”

“It’s not…no, that’s not it. It’s not that you’re used, I’m sure you slept with plenty before her, it’s just…her. Imagine taking up with someone your parent was with. Just think about your parents having sex for a second…it’s… it’s just…”

“Gross?”

“For lack of a better word, yes,” she agreed softly.

“What better word could there be?” he demanded. “It’s gross. So the idea of having sex with me, whom you claim to love, is gross. That’s great Buffy, thanks, thanks a lot.” And he charged past her out of the room.

Following him, she started fuming when he grabbed his shoes to and sat down to put them on. Marching over to him she yanked them out of his hands.

“No,” she said firmly. “You always tell me not to run away, well I’m not going to let you do it too!”

“Tell me why I want to stay here? Tell me I want to be here with you when I just disgust you?”

“You don’t disgust me! God, I just…you asked the question and now you don’t like the answer so you’re running.” Throwing the shoes at his feet, she threw her arms up. “Go. Just fucking go if you want to go.”

Stalking off, Buffy went to her bedroom and slammed her door, crying the whole way tears of frustration. Frustrated that he asked, frustrated that she was made to tell him, frustrated that she just couldn’t get over it already and frustrated that she too seemed incapable of having a reasonable discussion. That’s what happened when backed into a corner, she came out with fists flying and not always thinking.

Taking deep breaths and wiping furiously at her tears, Buffy tried her best to regain control. She hadn’t heard the door slam just yet so she wagered he was still out there, upset as well. He doesn’t need this right now, she thought and got up.

Opening the door, she found him standing there before her and she jumped slightly.

He looked regretful and sad. “I’m sorry.”

She shook her head and flung herself in his arms, “No, don’t be sorry. It’s my fault. I just didn’t want to tell you. I wanted to get over it and I was trying and please don’t take the blame, Spike.”

“I …I wish I’d met you first,” he whispered hoarsely.

The pain and rawness in that statement sent Buffy reeling. She kissed him, kissed him urgently, trying to show him …show him what she wasn’t sure.

He moaned into the kiss, his hands skimming just inside her shirt. “Let me please,” he whispered, “let me try and make it better.”

Buffy nodded, wanting so bad to be over it, wanting so bad to make him feel better.

Kissing her hungrily, Spike walked her backwards to the bed and tumbled back onto it with her. Trailing kisses to her neck, he nuzzled there and murmured, “Gonna make you feel so good, pet.”

Did he say those things to her? she wondered and tried shoving the thought – and image – from her mind as he wormed his hands under shirt, pushing it up and over her head.

He gazed down at her white lacy bra and growled softly before bending his head to kiss the tops of her breasts reverently. Shutting her eyes, Buffy let out a soft moan and thought, Yes, this is the way to just get over it.

Reaching behind her back, he quickly unclasped her bra and sent it flying to the side and wasted no time in suckling at one breast while palming the other, hardening her nipple with his expert hands.

Did he do this with her? her traitorous mind asked and she shoved it back by spinning them so that she was on top. He looked up at her as if he meant to devour her and she grinned, feeling a spark of female pride. Whipping off his t-shirt, she drank in his sculpted torso and leaned down to kiss her way down his chest starting at his nipples. When her mouth closed over one, he bucked his hips slightly and groaned.

Did she do this?

Doubling her efforts, Buffy trailed kisses down his torso and when she reached his jeans, she took her time unbuttoning them, enjoying watching him watch her with such desire and want.

Standing, Buffy yanked down and off his pants, dropping them with great pomp and circumstance on the floor while meeting his eyes. “Now I’m gonna make you feel so good,” she purred and straddled his calves.

Taking his weeping cock in her hands, Buffy stroked him, spreading his pre-cum around the head. Before she dipped her head to his cock, she had an image of her mother doing this for him and she bit back the sob that formed. I can do this, she thought and took him in her mouth.

Bobbing her head up and down his shaft, Buffy hummed, wanting to enhance his pleasure.

“Buffy…” he murmured and she felt his hands in her hair, brushing it aside. He sat up a bit, leaning on his elbows and he watched with avid attention as she ministered to him. Periodically his eyes would shut and he’d moan her name.

Swirling her tongue around the head, she tasted his essence and hummed as she engulfed him once more in her mouth.

“Christ, Buffy…” he gasped and in a flash she was on her back and he was hovering above her. “So bloody perfect,” he whispered and she thought, Better than her?

When his hand slid inside her pants and panties and his finger made contact with her pussy, just gliding up the slit and sweeping her clit, Buffy hissed, “Oh God.”

“Does that feel good, hmm?”

“Yes,” she said breathlessly and then moaned when he sunk that finger inside her.

“So wet for me, kitten. So very wet,” he purred and bent his head to suckle once more at her breasts.

Tunnelling her fingers through his hair, Buffy sighed dreamily and stared up at the ceiling. Did he do that to her? Biting her lip until she nearly drew blood, Buffy screamed in her mind, Shut up, shut up, shut up!

“Got to taste you,” he muttered and pulled off her pants and her panties. Spreading her legs, Spike gazed down at her, drinking her in, and the look on his face nearly made her weep. No one had ever looked at her with such reverence before. He made her feel as though she were a Goddess.

“You’re so beautiful, Buffy,” told her, meeting her eyes, showing her the truth in that statement with those eyes that gazed at her so admiringly. “I love you so much, sweetheart. You don’t even know how much I love you…”

He dove between her legs, gathering her nectar on his tongue and swirling her clit with his tongue. Her legs trembled and her fingers once again found his hair.

He beat a rhythm on her clit before sucking it into his mouth and Buffy squirmed. “Yes…ooooh…Spike…”

“Does my girl like it when I taste her?”

“Hmmhmmmm…” Did she like it? Did you do this same thing to her? And she leaned up on her elbows, to burn the image of him between her legs in her mind.

Simultaneously sinking a finger inside her and nibbling on her clit, it was no wonder that Buffy exploded, seeing spots behind her eyes. “Yes!” she yelled. “Spike!”

He hummed, drinking her, and nearly making her cum again. “Look at me,” he demanded when he was hovering above her.

She looked up at him, her eyes fluttering and he smiled. “I love you.”

“I love you,” she told him and felt his cockhead brushing her slit. He looked down at her questioningly and she nodded.

He slid in slowly and she was sure she could feel every vein and ridge of his long and thick cock inside her. “Oh God,” she gasped.

“Heaven,” he nearly whimpered and pulled back slowly before gliding back in. He thrust slowly, gaining momentum before he started moving faster within her.

He was inside her. He did this to her. He loved her like this long before you. Just as her second orgasm approached, so did her tears. Grabbing him, she kissed him, hoping to stave them off and soon, she was coming around him, trembling both from her orgasm and her tears.

“Buffy.” He pulled back to look at her, having felt the wetness on his skin. Happy tears? He hoped. Her walls were milking him, begging him to cum and he did so, roaring her name while she looked away from him, her eyes shut tight.

Just like my dream, he thought and collapsed against her. “Buffy…what?”

She curled herself around him and sobbed. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

Her tears induced his own. “What is it, baby?”

“Her…”

Not knowing what to do, Spike held her, feeling once again, he’d gone too far.

Chapter Forty-eight

Buffy wasn’t crying. Not anymore. She was just quiet in his arms, head buried in the crook between his neck and shoulder, her breath fanning across his neck, ruffling the curls there. Rolling slightly so that he slid out of her and so that they lay on their side, Spike felt at a loss as to what to do.

“Do you want me to go?” he whispered, praying that wasn’t what she wanted.

Her hold on him tightened. “No.”

“Are you sure?”

She nodded, “Can you just hold me?”

“Of course.”

He held her for so long in the quiet sanctuary in the room without a word spoken that Spike thought she’d fallen asleep. When he started to shift away, her grip tightened once more.

“Where are you going?”

“Just to the bathroom, luv. You want anything while I’m up?”

She shook her head and released her hold so he could move. Just as he crawled out of bed, Buffy scooted under the covers and looked at him, her eyes tired, her face drawn. “Can you get me a water? I think I want some water.”

He nodded, “Sure pet.”

The actions and the talk were mundane, but the emotions were all over. She had weariness about her, but he knew her well enough to know that her mind was churning. So was his for that matter.

Using the facilities and then shuffling to the kitchen for her water, Spike wasn’t sure if he should bring it all up, or just wait for her lead. The good news was that she wasn’t kicking him out, and that each time he’d tried to ease out of her grasp, she’d held onto him. In fact, she’d asked him to hold her. That had to mean something. Right?

Pouring water into a glass from the tap, Spike’s mind shuffled to their earlier conversation in which she’d asked him to put himself in her shoes. Okay, so say my Mum died and my Da took up with a woman and then later, I took up with that woman. Let’s say that woman was Buffy. Immediately, his nose wrinkled. Okay, so that once removed thing really works.

“Spike?”

“I’m coming, sweetheart.”

Shutting off the tap, he padded back to the bedroom, and placed her glass on the night table next to her before going to the drawer she’d put his things in and taking out a pair of sweats to wear.

Climbing back into bed just as she was putting her glass back down, he waited for her next move.

“I’m going to use the bathroom now,” she murmured and climbed out of bed, naked as the day she was born. Watching her walk to the bathroom was an exercise in restraint; she was a gorgeous woman and he loved her, ergo, he wanted her. Even in the face of what they were currently facing. He couldn’t help it. He was a man reacting to the woman he loved without reason.

When she came back, she was wearing a t-shirt and panties. Climbing back into the bed, she faced his way. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, staring at his chest.

“Buffy, please don’t apologize. I feel bad enough.”

Her gaze flew up to his. “Why?”

“I forced you.”

“You didn’t force me. I could have stopped you at any time.”

“You didn’t want it. So, why didn’t you?”

“Because I wanted to show you that I do want you. I want to be over it and I thought if I just went for it, I’d get over it.”

“Instead, it made it worse.”

“I just couldn’t help thinking… ‘Did he say those things to her? Did he do those same things to her? Did he feel the same with her--”

“Now hold on just a goddamn minute.”

She clamped her mouth shut at his forceful tone.

Grabbing her into his arms, he held her close. “The way I made love to you is different than how I …with your mother. You’re two different woman and Buffy; you’re the one I’m in love with now.”

“You loved her at one time--”

“And I loved her differently then too. Buffy, I never loved her the way I love you.”

“Was she better?”

“Buffy--”

“Don’t answer that, I don’t want to know.”

“Good, cause that’s not something that you need to hear.”

“Why? Was she better?”

“Buffy, that’s not how I meant it. I meant that knowing how your mother was in bed with me is not something you need to know. That’s not helping you get past that it’s gross.”

She burst into tears. “I don’t think you’re gross! I’m just fucked in the head for thinking it! It’s not you, it’s me.”

“Buffy, luv, you know…I was thinking while I was getting your water and I was thinking of what you said earlier about if the situation was different. If it was you with my Da, I’d feel the same way.”

“You would?”

“Yes.”

“And how would you go about getting over it?”

“Time. Patience. Knowing that I’m not the same man, that I’m me and you love me more than anything in the world. And knowing that you’d be patient and understanding with me.”

She nodded, looking up at him. “I would be.”

“Buffy, making love was the first step. Perhaps we should have gone slower, a few sessions of heavy petting, but when have we ever half assed something?”

She laughed, slightly nervously. “We never have. We either jump in all the way, or not at all.”

“Never a dull moment,” Spike chuckled, feeling some of the tension starting to melt.

“Do you think we have an unhealthy relationship?”

“What relationship isn’t somewhat dysfunctional and unhealthy? Do you think there are all these people out there in the world having these perfect relationships? No. Nothing is ever truly perfect Buffy. Every relationship has its ups and downs, and every relationship has one person that doesn’t communicate at all, or communicates too much, and then there are those in between moments that we all look for. We’ve had our ups, don’t you think, love?”

She nodded. “I like to think so.”

“We’ve been through a lot in a short amount of time. We’ve actually come a long way from that pair of misfits that couldn’t stand one another.”

“You never want to sleep with me again, do you? Who wants to sleep with the girl that cries and thinks of her mom while having sex? And here I was worried you’d be thinking of her and I was!”

Spike couldn’t help but laugh. “Buffy, it’s not something that isn’t surmountable, and it’s not something that has to be sorted out right away. And for the record? I was thinking of you the whole time. Thinking how gorgeous you are, how perfect, and how much I love you. It was you, sweetheart, all you.”

“Before you were freaking out when I told you and now you’re all with the calm, what’s up with that?”

“It was my turn to give you some peace of mind, and I’m telling you, that picturing you with my Dad really did the trick.”

“I always tried to tell you about that theory of—“

“Once removed,” they said at the same time and laughed.

“We share, that’s how I see it,” Spike told her once they’d quieted. “Our relationship can be dysfunctional, our relationship can be unhealthy, but it’s ours. You’re mine, Buffy and I told you once and I’ll tell you again: I’m never letting you go.”

“Never,” she whispered and snuggled into his embrace. “I love you.”





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