I got my head but my head is unraveling
Cant keep control, can't keep track of where it's traveling
I got my heart but my heart's no good
You're the only one that's understood
Buffy lay on her couch in the living room, listening to an old Nine Inch Nails CD, and staring up at the ceiling. It was late, about 2 am, but she just hadn’t been able to get back to sleep and didn’t want to wake Spike with her constant tossing and turning.
I come along but I don't know where you're taking me
I shouldn't go but you're wrenching dragging shaking me
Turn off the sun pull the stars from the sky
The more I give to you the more I die
And I want you
You are the perfect drug
the perfect drug
the perfect drug
the perfect drug
“Buffy, what are you doing?”
Looking over the back of the couch over at Spike, she smiled and waved. “Couldn’t sleep. Want to join me here?”
He shrugged, raking a hand through his riot of curls and laid down on the opposite end of the couch, tucking his legs toward the back of the couch, hers resting in the front.
He was silent for a minute. “Why couldn’t you sleep?”
“I woke up and couldn’t shut off my brain.”
“What were you thinking about?”
“What do you think?”
You make me hard when I’m all soft inside
I see the truth when I’m all stupid-eyed
The arrow goes straight through my heart
Without you everything just falls apart
“Buffy, what the hell are you listening to?”
“Our new song,” she said and giggled.
My blood just wants to say hello to you
My fear is warm to get inside of you
My soul is so afraid to realize
how every little bit is left of me
Take me with you
Without you everything just falls apart
It's not as much fun to pick up the pieces
You are the perfect drug
the perfect drug
the perfect drug
the perfect drug
“Some day I’d like to have a real song with you. Not one from Nine Inch Nails and not I’m Going Slightly Mad from Queen,” Spike told her, grumbling slightly.
“Come on, why be traditional? Nothing about us is.”
“This is true,” he said huskily and sat up, moving to lie down next to her, his back pressed against the back of the couch and enfolding her in his arms.
Snuggling into his embrace, Buffy sighed as the song started up again.
“And you have it on repeat. Nice,” he muttered.
“You’re my drug. My perfect drug,” she cooed, giving him an Eskimo kiss.
“Do you feel better about things, sweetheart?”
“I guess. I just feel kind of contemplative.”
“And what are you contemplating?”
“Everything and nothing all at once,” she declared.
“So your mind was racing with nothing definitive.”
“Right. There’s stuff going on in there, just can’t pinpoint them right now.”
“I see,” he said, nodding.
“Spike?”
“Yes?”
“You weren’t thinking of her at all?”
“No, Buffy,” he told her gently. “I wasn’t. My focus was all on you. All I was thinking was how I loved you and wanted to show you how much.”
“The things I did…did she do them?”
“Buffy, how is that going to help you get past this?”
“Maybe if I knew…knowledge is power and all that crap.”
“Yeah, and too much knowledge can make a person go crazy.”
“Is that why all the incredibly gifted people are completely tapped?” she mused.
“Yes.”
“Wow. I never knew you and I were among the incredibly gifted.”
Shaking his head, Spike pinched her bottom and she squealed before bursting into laugher. “Come on, that was funny!”
He shook his head again and kissed her softly. “Buffy, the things we do in bed together, it will always be different because it’s you and I. People all over the world engage in the same activities and it’s different for everyone because it all depends on whom they’re with and how they feel about that person. Okay, yes, your mom went down on me--”
Buffy recoiled from him, nearly falling off the couch in the process, her nose wrinkling.
“You asked,” he reminded her. “You wanted to know. You still want to know?”
“Yeah, I’m all set…for now,” snuggling back into him, she whispered, “Just, I’m gonna need you to reassure me okay? Cause it’s not just going to go away.”
“I know.”
Silence, then. “Spike?”
“Hmmm?”
“Did you mean it when you said you’d get help?”
“What’s wrong? You don’t want to be the only one in therapy?”
She giggled, “No. I don’t. I have this image in my head of our future.”
“Oh?”
“Yup. Let me paint this picture for you. It starts with a cozy padded cell for two…”
Without you everything just falls apart
It's not as much fun to pick up the pieces
You are the perfect drug
the perfect drug
the perfect drug
the perfect drug
“So, um, how is he after…all that?” Willow asked hesitantly the following morning while Buffy set about updating their website.
She looked over her shoulder at her new friend and then turned in the swivel chair to face her. “He was shaken up. Understandably so. He didn’t even realize I don’t think, what he did, or how bad.”
“And how bad was it exactly?” Willow asked, wincing slightly.
“Angel was pretty wrecked,” Buffy said, not really wanting to elaborate too much. The last thing she wanted was for Willow to think Spike was some kind of monster. “It’s a bunch of things that just made him snap. He’s not a violent man, he’s really not and what Angel said was just--”
“Utterly out of line in my opinion!” Willow said adamantly, her eyes wide. “He had no right to say that at all. It was crude and just …wrong.”
Buffy smiled, thankful that Willow said that, thought that, and voiced it. “Thank you.”
“No need to thank me. Just stating fact.”
“I know, but just the same.”
“So, I guess that means you wouldn’t be able to go out for a drink with me tonight? Cause I really had fun the other night and was thinking we should do something like that again.”
Buffy beamed. “I had fun too. I’ve never a real girlfriend before. I’ve always been kind of a loner and the only friends I’ve really had, have been men.”
Willow shrugged and sighed. “I’ve had Xander. He’s…well, he’s kind of a girl.”
Buffy laughed. “Oh, I so want to meet him now!”
Willow snapped her fingers, “You know what? How about we go out? You, me, Spike and Xander? It won’t be a date for me and Xander, but it’d be fun to go out, don’t you think?”
“You know what, Wills? I really like that idea. Let me call Spike.”
Squeezing Spike’s hand, Buffy looked up at him and grinned. “We’re gonna have fun, right?” she asked as they headed into The Bronze, the local bar and club.
“Buffy, will you stop asking me that? Yes, we will.”
“Well, you seem hesitant.”
“I just feel a little weird about Willow knowing I beat the piss out of Angel yesterday.”
“Spike, don’t worry about it,” Buffy said, stopping and facing him. “This was her idea. If she thought you were going to take everyone out I don’t think she would have suggested we all go out. Her friend Xander is coming too.”
“And they’re just friends?”
“Right. I’m thinking he’s a guy, you’re a guy…cha-ching. Friend for you!”
Spike laughed and shook his head at her. Bending down, he kissed her quickly. “What am I going to do with you?”
“Love me?”
“Well, yeah. I already do that,” he said, smiling tenderly at her. Brushing some hair from her face, he leaned in once more to kiss her. “And I’ll never stop.”
“Me either,” she whispered.
Someone clearing their throat loudly had Spike and Buffy turning to find Willow and a shaggy haired guy standing there, waiting sheepishly for them to take notice.
“Uh, hi, guys!” Buffy chirped. “Wills, I’d like you to meet my boyfriend Spike…”
Buffy couldn’t help but be in good spirits. The night had so far been a success. Spike and Xander (Harris)– who was indeed part man, part boy and part girl, just as Willow said – had gone off to play a few rounds of pool while she and Willow talked, drank a little and danced.
Things were going swimmingly and she felt free. There was something to be said for being cooped up with your issues and then being out in public with them. At times, being around people was a help in keeping the dark cloud at bay. Other times, it was too much work, but this was not, thankfully, one of those times. And, from looking at Spike who was now laughing at something Xander said, this was not one of his times either.
“They’re getting along well, huh?” Willow asked. “Xander likes him, I can tell. He won’t play pool with someone he doesn’t like.”
“Good, I’m glad. And I think Spike likes him as well, he’s been laughing a lot. Always a good sign.”
“You love him a lot, don’t you, Buffy?”
Buffy nodded, blushing slightly. “I do. He’s my guy.”
“Is he the first guy you’ve ever…?”
“Been in love with? Yes. I thought I was before, but now that I’m in love with Spike, I know it wasn’t really love then. I never wanted to do things for them the way I want to do them for Spike.”
“Wow,” Willow gushed. “I want that.”
Buffy smiled, “You’ll have it, Wills. But, we’re not going to get you to get it by sitting here. Let’s shake our tail feather, see who we can reel in for ya.”
“But won’t they think I’m with you?”
Buffy shrugged and grinned, “Maybe. But, hey, have you ever noticed that when you’re with someone that’s when everyone starts coming out of the woodwork?”
Willow smiled slowly and broadly. “Let’s go.”
Spike’s eyes fell on Buffy gyrating to the music blaring in the club and his blood rushed immediately to that certain part of his anatomy that made his pants just a tad too tight.
Fuck me, she’s hot.
“Spike? Earth to Spike? Do you want to play another round?” Xander asked, waving a hand in front of Spike’s face.
Spike grinned, not taking his eyes off Buffy. “Not now, mate. Got a girl to see about.” And he prowled over, stalking his prey.
He knew the minute she noticed him coming for she smirked slightly and made a big show of not looking at him, instead turning so that he got a view of her ass in those skin tight jeans she insisted on wearing.
Ignoring all else but his girl, Spike came up behind her and groaned when she pushed her rump back into him, brushing right against his erection. Placing his hands on her hips, he pulled her closer and she stood straighter.
Bending slightly, Spike purred in her ear, “Do you know how fucking hot you are, Buffy?”
“Am I?” she asked softly, a slight smirk on her face as she looked over her shoulder at him.
Moving her hair from her neck, he nuzzled it softly before biting down on her lobe, smiling when he heard her moan. “I’m hard for you right now.”
She froze slightly and he snaked a hand across her waist and rested it on her belly. “Only you,” he whispered in her ear. “Only you have made me this crazy. Only you have made me want so bad I feel like I’m going to explode.”
Spinning, Buffy looked up at him with lust in her eyes. “We can’t have you exploding, now can we?” she said just before leaning up and crashing her lips to his.
Chapter Fifty
"God, why don't you two just get a room!"
"Suck face!"
The taunts from those around them made Buffy pull back, though Spike seemed oblivious and then quite uncaring of them when he finally did take notice. Leading her from the dance floor, leaving a bewildered Willow and Xander, he led her to a dark and empty hallway. "Care to leave, pet?"
She gulped. "What?"
He tossed her one of his patented puppy dog looks. "Care to leave and have some alone time?"
"Now?"
He nodded, pressing his forehead against hers and trailing a finger down her bare arm, causing goose bumps to form in its wake.
"I-I don't know..."
"Maybe I could give you some incentive," he whispered huskily and captured her lips in a searing kiss. Pulling her to him so that she was pressed to the lenght of his body, Buffy could feel every single part of him, so close were they. He was hard.
"For me?" she whispered, "That for me?" she asked, rubbbing herself against him.
"Always for you."
"Tell me you love me."
"I love you," he nearly growled in his lusty haze.
"Tell me you want only me."
"I only want you. Forever and ever and ever...In point of fact..." And his hand brushed across the smooth expanse of her exposed belly, her shirt having ridden up slightly in the kafuffle of their passionate kisses. Then, it dipped into the waistband of her jeans.
“Spike,” she gasped her admonishment, knowing full well what his devious mind had come up with.
“Trust me,” he whispered against her lips. “Do you trust me?”
She nodded adamantly, feeling turned on by the chance maybe; just maybe they’d be caught doing something in the dingy, dark hallway.
“Talk to me,” she begged on a murmur.
“You are my sun,” he said huskily and unbuttoned the front of her jeans. “You are my North Star…”
“Mmmm…so poetic,” she mumbled, smiling dreamily and letting her head fall back on the wall behind her.
“You are my beacon, my savior, my angel,” he muttered against her lips, nipping them lightly and easing his hand inside her panties. With one long finger he traced her nether lips, making her moan and quiver in his arms. “Look at me,” he demanded.
Her eyes fluttered open and she lifted her head to look at him. His blue eyes burned indigo into hers.
“Focus on me,” he told her. “Just me, Buffy.”
She nodded in her haze and then promptly disobeyed he order when he stroked his finger inside her, caressing her nubbin.
“Look at me,” he ordered.
Her eyes flew open once more and she forced herself to focus on him.
“You are everything to me,” he told her and sunk a finger inside her causing her cry out. “You are my world, Princess.”
“Yes, yes,” she gasped as he pumped her with his finger, making contact with her clit on every push and pull.
“You’re in my gut, my throat...” he shut his eyes briefly. “I’m drowning in you, Buffy,” he whispered, pressing his forehead to hers. “I want everything with you…I want to live inside you, be your breath, your heart, your bloody reason for living because you’re mine, and no one, no one has ever been that for me…”
“Oh, God,” she muttered and kissed him hungrily, feeling she could swallow him whole with her need of him. He was drugging her, making her mind bend and break, air was leaving her lungs, her heart was expanding, her nerves were alive and haywire…
“You are my heart,” he whispered raggedly, pumping her harder, “my reason for living…You undo me, Buffy, you undo me…all I can see is you, all I can feel is you… all I want is you…”
“Spike!” she screamed softly and bit down on his shoulder to quiet herself, bursts of light exploding behind her eyes like a prism of colors. Her wall hugged his fingers as she came, squeezing him inside her, spasming around him, trying to indeed allow him to live inside her.
Taking her teeth off him, she breathed his name and her head lolled on his shoulder, too heavy to hold up suddenly.
Easing his hand out of her panties and jeans, he brought his finger to his lips and licked them clean.
“Interesting,” she murmured watching him in a haze.
He grinned at her. “Want a taste?”
She shrugged, “Sure,” and she brought his head down to hers, kissing him softly, tasting her muskiness.
“God, I love you,” he panted when they broke apart, drawing her up and closer so that he could wind his arms around her, and in essence, hold her up.
Buffy sighed, her breath coming out in a gust of air. “Wow.”
“I’ll say,” he chuckled lightly.
“Do you…I mean are you…?”
“That was all about you, Buffy.”
“Why?”
“What do you mean, why? Hasn’t anyone ever made it all about you?”
“No,” she answered bluntly, snorting slightly at the suggestion.
“Then it’s like I’m your first, innit?”
“In a perfect world,” she muttered.
“No, Buffy,” he said imploringly, making her look at him. He gazed at her searchingly, pleading with her with his eyes. “This is a first. For both of us. This is new for me too, nothing before this has ever meant this much to me. Nothing…no one…no one has stirred in me the things you stir in me, no one has made me feel the things you make me feel. With you, I’m a man, a child, a boy…I’m all those things and you’re still here. I’m not a boy playing at being a man, I’m not lost; I’m found.” Winding her hair around his hand, he pressed her forehead to his. “You can’t ever leave me, you understand me? I’d be bloody lost; I wouldn’t know what to do.”
Tears seeped into her eyes and she nodded, “I won’t. I won’t leave you.”
“Why are you crying?” he asked, concerned.
“You – you make me tremble inside,” she answered, shivering.
“Am I scaring you?”
She shook her head, “No, not really, just—just the whole intensity of it. It moves me, it shakes me and…and it makes me cry.”
He kissed her sweetly and then just held her to him while she cried softly in his arms, cooing to her, loving her with his words and gentle strokes of hand, trying to anchor her back to the Earth.
On a trembling sigh, she was back, her eyes dry, and her feet planted firmly on the ground. “Can we go home now, Spike?”
“Yes, sweetheart, we can go home now.”
Xander and Willow had turned twenty shades of red by the time they’d gotten back to them and while Spike didn’t seem to care much, Buffy found it hard to look at them in the face. So, she too, turned twenty shades of red.
Giving Willow and Xander a quick wave, her eyes not meeting theirs, Buffy followed Spike out of the club. Once outside, she had to giggle.
“What’s so funny, kitten?” he asked as they made their way to the car.
“Oh, just that I think Xander and Willow knew something went on.”
Tucking his tongue behind his teeth, Spike grinned and Buffy swooned at the sight. She stared at him, feeling her panties having gone wet once more.
“Pet?”
“I like that look,” she drawled, smiling dreamily.
“Then I’ll make sure to do it more often.”
“I think I’ll write you a poem,” she declared once they were on their way to her apartment.
“Oh?”
She nodded, “I’ll write an ode to your inherent sexiness.”
“You’re great for my ego.”
“Only fair. You’re fantastic for mine!”
I'm talking, I'm talking
I believe in the power of love
I'm singing, I'm singing
I believe that you can rescue me
Slipping into bed where she was all soft and warm, Spike tucked her into his side as he lay on his back, her stereo humming softly in the corner.
“What are we listening to? Madonna?”
She nodded and pressed a kiss to his bare chest. “Our new song.”
With you I'm not a little girl, with you I'm not a man
When all the hurt inside of me comes out, you understand
You see that I'm ferocious, you see that I am weak
You see that I am silly, and pretentious and a freak
But I don't feel too strange for you
Don't know exactly what you do
I think when love is pure you try
To understand the reasons why
And I prefer this mystery
It cancels out my misery
And gives me hope that there could be
A person that loves me
“Slowly, but surely, we are getting to the perfect song for us,” Spike murmured, thinking this was definitely better than Nine inch Nails.
“I wasn’t thinking of her,” Buffy whispered.
Rescue me
Your love has given me hope
Rescue me
I'm drowning, baby throw out your rope
Spike tensed slightly. “You weren’t?”
“No,” she shook her head, her hair brushing his skin and causing goose bumps to form.
“Good.”
“But that was your plan wasn’t it?”
“Yes, but I meant what I said.”
With you I'm not a fascist, can't play you like a toy
And when I need to dominate, you're not my little boy
You see that I am hungry for a life of understanding
And you forgive my angry little heart when she's demanding
You bring me to my knees while I'm scratching out the eyes
Of a world I want to conquer, and deliver, and despise
And right while I am kneeling there
I suddenly begin to care
And understand that there could be
A person that loves me
Rescue me
Your love has given me hope
Rescue me
I'm drowning, baby throw out your rope
“You really want to live inside me?”
“If I could.”
“That’s the kind of love you read about in romance novels, the real intense ones, not the bodice ripper ones.”
Spike chuckled, “Well, what they write about has to come from somewhere doesn’t it?”
“Spike?”
“Yes?”
“Do you think there’s one person for everyone that drives them completely nuts? Like…desperate and crazy and that have to have feeling?”
“What do you think?” he drawled.
Love is understanding
It's hard to believe life can be so demanding
I'm sending out an S.O.S.
Stop me from drowning baby I'll do the rest
Rescue me
Your love has given me hope
Rescue me
I'm drowning, baby throw out your rope
Love is understanding
It's hard to believe life can be so demanding
I'm sending out an S.O.S.
Rescue me, rescue me
Turning in his embrace, Buffy bent her knee and draped it over his legs, resting her head on his chest. “It’s the same for me. You know I’ve never been in love before, right?”
“I think I knew that.”
“You’re the first.”
“Told you…and the last.”
“And the last,” she echoed in agreement and yawned.
“Rest, kitten,” Spike murmured, stroking her back.
“Tomorrow I’ll talk to Lorne about your setting up an appointment with someone okay?”
Spike sighed. “Think I still need it? We’ve been good.”
“And when its time for you to go back to the house and I stay here?”
Silence.
“I know you’re pouting,” she scolded him.
“All right, all right. Talk to him then.”
“Spike, I just want you to feel better. You feel good now, but it’s because you’re with me in my bed…as conceited as that sounds, but you’re not living here--”
“I get it, Buffy,” he snapped.
Sitting up slightly, she looked up at him. “Don’t be mad.”
He softened immediately. “I’m sorry. I’m just scared is all.”
“Don’t be,” she whispered and kissed him quickly before laying back down. “I’m right here and I won’t let anything happen to you. Maybe you could call Giles and talk with him? You guys seemed to get on well.”
“He can’t be my therapist from all the way in Boston, Buffy.”
“Well, no, but you feel comfortable talking with him about that sort of thing. He can let you know what to expect. I spoke with him before I saw Lorne and he was a great help.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“Ok, but you’re still going.”
Gathering her closer, he pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Go to sleep, brat.”
“Love you,” she said on a yawn.
“Love you too, kitten.”
It's not my business to decide
How good you are for me
How valuable you are
And what the world can see
Only that you try to understand me
And have the courage to love me for me
I believe
I believe that you can rescue me
Rescue me,
Your love has given me hope
Rescue me
I'm drowning, baby throw out your rope