Dear Buffy,
Therapy went well and I can do without the ‘I told you so!’ thank you very much. The jury is still out as it was only my first session, but we’ll see what happens. The good thing is I’m a bit more open to it than I was.
I think you were right in our needing a break. I do miss you, though. Do you miss me? Or are you happy to finally be rid of me for a bit?
Do you think in a few days we could get together and talk about what this break exactly entails?
I love you,
Spike
Dear Spike,
Of course I miss you. Silly man for asking me that. I never want to be ‘rid’ of you. I think yes, in a few days, we should get together. You know I can’t go that long without seeing my favorite person in the whole wide world.
I’m glad therapy went well. You were in my thoughts the entire time. And I will refrain from the ‘I told you so!’ for at least a month in. Have to make sure it gels first before I get the ‘I told you so!’ from you. *Cheeky grin*
I’m really digging this note thing. Are you?
Love you,
Buffy
Dear Buffy,
You make me laugh. I really am ‘digging’ this note thing. It’s giving us our space and allowing us to still talk.
I love you, baby, I do. You’re my girl and I’m sorry that things got so skewed between us. I can see things a little clearer now and when I do that ‘once removed’ thing you’re so fond of, I can see where I put a lot on you. I made you fix me and when you didn’t want to fix me, I took it to mean you didn’t love me anymore. I’m sorry for that; I know you love me. You’ve put yourself aside to take care of me and I took advantage of that.
I will try to be better about that.
Guess what? I’m going out with Xander tonight. Imagine that, Spike’s got a friend. Did you have something to do with that? I know you had something to do with Fred calling me and she told me about Angel. Thank you, sweetheart.
Love you always,
Spike
Dear Spike,
You’re gonna make me cry! Spike, I love you too. I always have and I always will. Please don’t take all the blame for the dysfunction that happened between us. Remember how messy I was for quite some time. I couldn’t have been that much fun to deal with. I know I wasn’t. And I still feel bad for how I trekked off to Boston and committed myself. You had to put a lot aside to take care of me; it only makes sense that there were needs you had to tend to as well. I’m only sorry that I couldn’t have opened up more back then. I am trying now, just as you are, so this time, it’s like we’re doing it together.
I had nothing to do with Xander calling you and I plead the Fifth on Fred!
Behave yourself with Xander, mister! Perhaps the four of us could go out again soon? I do miss you and I love you.
Buffy
Dear Buffy,
Yeah, see, now you’re making me cry. Don’t you dare ever tell anyone that I am such an incredible nancy-boy, all right?
Sweetheart, please don’t apologize for Boston and please don’t apologize for committing yourself. I see now what tremendous strength it took to do that. It took me how long to finally seek help? It took all of my might to go that day, so I see now that it’s not as easy as strolling in and laying it out there on the table. It takes work.
It’s not like you could have put a timetable on when you’d need someone to help you just as I couldn’t have put a timetable on it for myself.
I do feel that this time we are working on things together and heading toward a common goal instead of against each other.
You do realize that pleading the Fifth just means you’re guilty, right? And please, do set up a time for us to all get together. It’s been almost a week now sweetheart and I want to see my girl.
I miss you,
Spike
Dear Spike,
Perhaps part of what we need to do is stop apologizing for everything that we’ve done that we think had to do with messing up the other? We constantly go back and forth with the apologizing and perhaps we just need to put that shit behind us and focus on the now. I think in fact someone said that once before…
I am so proud of you for going to therapy. I didn’t think you were going to go through with it, but I am so glad you did. My mom told me once that the path of least resistance is not always the best path to take. She said that taking the hardest path might be difficult; the rewards from it were well worth it even if it doesn’t seem like it while you’re on it. Therapy is not always easy, but pushing through is imperative as I have found out.
And change, well, that’s never easy is it? I’m looking for some coasting now. I’ve been pushing up this hill and I’m thinking once I get over it, its smooth sailing for at least a little while. Do you feel that way too?
As for any admittance of guilt…I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.
Hugs and kisses,
Buffy
Dear Buffy,
Yes, I do feel that after this there is some coasting on the horizon. Can we be really cheesy and hold hands while we coast?
I believe it was me that said we shouldn’t keep apologizing…see; now you start to listen. Brat.
Your mom was a wise woman and you know what, Buffy? So are you. You are wise in your own right and I don’t think I’ve ever told you that.
I know you think, or at least thought – don’t know if you do anymore – that I transferred what I had with Joyce to you, and I can see where you thought that, but Buffy, you have to believe me, that’s not the case.
You are the first woman I have ever truly loved with all my heart and all my soul. You consume me like no other and it’s so overwhelming to me, the depth and the breadth of my love for you…
I simply never had it before, not like this. I just knew that when I fell for you, I could never let you go. The idea of losing that filled me with dread. It still does, but I am working on not letting it become my entire life. I’m doing well, don’t you think?
Sweetheart, please, let me see you soon.
Spike
Dear Spike
You are doing well. I’m so very proud of you and I love you so very much.
Did you know we missed Valentine’s Day? By like two weeks. We really are nuts. Don’t yell at me for that! *Grin*
You made me cry again in your last letter and I think I’d do well to tell you to your face what you mean to me. Meet us at the Bronze at 8.
Can’t wait to see you,
Buffy
Smiling broadly with abject joy, Spike rushed up to the bathroom after reading his letter from Buffy to get ready to see his girl.
Chapter Fifty-six
“Um, you’re not going to mind too much if I jump him as soon as I see him will you?” Buffy asked Willow as they sat at a table near the door for prime jumping space. Her eyes were glued to the door; it’d been just over a week and Buffy was crawling out of her skin to see Spike.
Willow giggled, “No, I wouldn’t blame you at all. Even though you know you didn’t have to come out with us to see him. You could have done it alone.”
“Yeah, I know, but I thought maybe it’d be awkward after not seeing each other for over a week. I wanted to make it comfortable.”
“I think the letter idea was a great one. I can already see a change in you,” Willow observed, looking toward the bar to see if Xander was making progress.
“You can?” Buffy asked, smiling.
“Yup,” Willow said nodding. “The circles under your eyes have faded; you have been much more chipper and more at peace. I see it, do you?”
“I feel it. I don’t feel so insecure about everything. Knowing he’s in a good place helps me be in a good place. And having some distance has given me some perspective on things, and reading his letters are so beautiful…I feel like my mommy issues with respect to him are fading faster and faster.”
“That man loves you, Buffy. It’s all about you, not her. A cruel as that may sound. I said it before, and I’ll say it again. I want that love you both have.”
Buffy patted her friend’s hand. “You will.” And then Spike entered the club in faded jeans, a blue t-shirt, and a short leather jacket. His hair a riot of curls, just as she liked it. Buffy gasped, “God, he’s fucking gorgeous. Be right back,” she licked her lips, “Or not.”
Spike entered The Bronze a bundle full of nervous energy. He was going to see his girl and he couldn’t wait. He hadn’t laid eyes on her in a week, only laid eyes on the letters she placed in his mailbox for him every night, and on her door to her apartment when he dropped letters off for her on her doorstep in the morning.
He’d avoided going to the gallery, not even allowing himself a peek, knowing that with one peek, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself.
If he’d been asked, or told two weeks ago, that they’d spend over a week apart and their relationship would be fine, he wouldn’t have believed it and most likely would have suffered a panic attack at the thought. Now though, now he could see where the time apart and limited correspondence had been a help. Writing as they had had shown him how strong their relationship really was – they were able to communicate, and communicate well. They had conversations in their letters, they were open in them, and Spike’s fears were dissolving, his sense of self returning.
Looking up, he saw her coming toward him and his breath hitched. He stared, completely transfixed as she came toward him. Her golden hair tumbled in waves around her shoulders, her makeup was light and yet defined, making her gorgeous green eyes pop, her lips were glossed and begging to be kissed, and the tight hip hugger jeans that flared at the bottom and that ruffly and lacy red top she wore, made him think of only getting his hands on her.
He lurched forward, and within seconds she was before him, intoxicating him with her scent. They reached for each other at the time and their lips met in a passionate kiss that made the world dissolve around them.
“Oh, I missed you!” she exclaimed when they broke to breathe and she pressed her face in his neck.
Sex, something that had happened once and had then been reduced to heavy petting, was something that was on the forefront of Spike’s mind at the moment. He didn’t want to push her, but he wanted to be inside her and make their reunion complete. What could he say? He was a physical guy and worshipping Buffy with his body was something that was imperative as part of being her lover.
“Can we get out of here?” Buffy whispered in his ear. “I want to be alone with you. Is that all right? Or do you want to--”
That was all the impetus he needed and with a tug on her hand, Spike was leading her, practically dragging her, out of the club.
Once outside, he turned and pushed her against the brick wall, attacking her lips with his own, his hands resting on her hips and jutting his hips forward, he let her feel exactly what she was doing to him.
She hummed in her throat and kissed him harder. “Spike, we have to go…”
He nodded and yanked her away from the wall, grinning when he heard her giggle.
How they made it home in one piece, Spike wasn’t sure. He hadn’t exactly ‘obeyed the rules of the road’ in his haste to get home and make love to his girl. And knowing she wanted it too made it all the sweeter.
Pulling her into the house, he spun to her at the same time she lunged at him and he caught her in his arms just as her legs scissored around her waist, her lips pressing against his hungrily. He moved them to the living room, not wanting the ‘wig factor’ of being in his bedroom where he slept with Joyce be an issue at the present moment.
He just wanted her, wanted to love her thoroughly.
Placing her down gently on the couch, he groaned when she clawed at him as he tried to stand to remove some clothing. Her desire for him was increasing his lust more and more.
“Kitten, clothes…need them off…” he muttered and pulled the hem of her shirt up.
She helped him lift her shirt up and over her head and then she reciprocated with his own, her green eyes dark with ardor.
“Christ, I want you so fucking much,” he muttered and set about taking off her shoes while he kneeled before her.
Sitting up, she kissed him, playing with the curls at the nape of his neck, a move that always drove him wild. “I want you too,” she whispered in his ear and bit down on his lobe.
“Missed you so much,” he breathed, tossing her shoes aside working the snap his jeans, pushing her back to do so.
“I missed you too,” she murmured, “But…good, yeah?”
He nodded and tugged her jeans down and off, leaving her in black lace panties. Growling, he ripped them off of her and she squealed.
She started to sit up and he pushed her gently back down, shaking his head. “No, kitten, want to taste you.”
Gulping, she nodded and lay back, spreading her legs for him. His mouth was watering as he spread her pretty pink lips with his fingers, drinking in how soft and enticing she looked. And wet. His girl was glistening for him already.
Bending down, he licked up her slit, gathering her juices on his tongue and she quivered beneath him. He hummed, swirling his tongue around her nubbin and her fingers dug into his curls. Sticking a finger in his mouth to wet it, he slid it inside her slowly while tonguing her clit.
Her fingers tightened in his hair and when he began to pump her with his finger, she trembled and gasped and when he used his teeth and bit down gently, she screamed and came.
He lapped at her, drinking her, as she came down and when she moaned, he looked up at her. Moving her hands from his hair to his shoulders, she urged him forward. “Spike, I want you…”
“You have me. All of me.”
She nodded, her eyes filling with love, “And you have me. All of me.”
He kissed her and her hands found his buttons on his jeans and she unfastened them quickly, pushing his jeans down over his hips and grasping his erection in her hand. “Can I…?” she asked, letting the question hang in the air as she looked up at him in question.
“Inside you?” he muttered and nodded.
“No…I want to taste you.”
His eyes widened and a shiver rippled through him.
“You have to lie back now,” she ordered and pushed at him, standing in all her nude glory before him. Unable to help himself, he pressed a kiss to her flat belly reverently.
“William, please.”
The use of his real name had him shifting to the couch and kicking off his jeans and shoes. He stared at her, transfixed, watching her every move. Kneeling before him, her own eyes on his, she smirked and grasped his cock in her hands, flicking her tongue over his weeping head. She smiled and closed her eyes and made a sound in the back of her throat that nearly had him cumming right then.
His hands found purchase in her golden locks, needing to anchor himself to something while her mouth worked over him, suckling him in, drawing him out and sucking on his head…he wasn’t going to last long.
She brought him to the edge and back again, deep throating him every once in a while and he fought back the jealousy he felt at that – others, like Angel, had been privy to that skill.
When he was brought to the edge once more, he whispered her name and she looked up at him, mouth over his mushroom head. “Buffy, stop. Want to be inside you.” Speech was difficult, and he was amazed he was able to get that much out.
She nodded and made as sucking noise as she took her mouth of his cock, causing him to groan.
The couch was wide enough that when she lay down on it, he could straddle her. Teasing her with his weeping cock, she looked up at him with a look that said “Get on with it!”
Chuckling, he slid in slowly, wanting to feel every ripple of her flesh around him. “I love you so much,” he gasped when he was sheathed deep inside her.
Wrapping her arms about his middle she lifted her head and nipped at his lips. “I love you too.”
They started a steady rhythm, the ebb and flow of their bodies moving in synchronicity. Each thrust, she met, each draw, she followed. Their hands didn’t stop touching one another and their whispered words spoke of their unending love and adoration.
Burying his face in her neck, Spike fended off tears, feeling a wholeness of being engulf him, and it was all because of the slip of a girl in his arms that he currently loved with his body.
“You are everything to me,” he whispered against her soft skin.
“That makes us even then,” she whispered back and lifted his head so she could kiss him.
His movements accelerated and he knew his orgasm was imminent. Angling himself slightly, he pushed harder, deeper and faster and she let out a breathless “Oh!”
Flicking her clit and then rubbing it with the pads of his thumbs, he demanded huskily for her to cum. He was determined to hold off until she did.
And then she did.
“Buffy!” he roared and spilled himself inside her, bathing her with his seed. Collapsing against her, he drew her close in his arms, nestling her there.
Mewling, she snuggled closer and pressed a kiss to his chest waiting for his breathing to return to normal.