Chapter Fifty-seven
Once they’d come down from their high, they got up on shaky legs and pulled out the couch to lie on, a move that had Spike questioning why they didn’t do that in the first place, but he doubted in his haste to make love to her, he would have been able to take just a minute to pull the damn thing out. Pulling a soft maroon throw on the both of them, Spike spooned up behind Buffy and held her in his arms, nuzzling her neck and making her giggle.
“Spike?”
“Hmmm?”
“Do you think we should go up to your bedroom?”
“After we just pulled out the couch? Is that what you want to do?”
“Not really, but I thought maybe it’d show a sign of…you know, healthiness if we did.”
“Well, way I look at it, pet, is it’s the same if your parents were alive and you had sex in their bed.”
Buffy wrinkled her nose, “Gross. Thanks for that image.”
“So, don’t you think it’s the same if we went upstairs? Even if things are different…still.”
“Right,” Buffy agreed, nodding, “Still.”
“And when I move, I’ll get a brand new bed. And when you sleep over and we’ll nestle in together and christen it with us.”
She hummed in her throat, “Hmmm…I like that. Have you had more nibbles?”
“I have. And it looks like one is going to make an offer soon.”
“Are you excited about that? Or sad?”
“Excited. I’m ready to start fresh and new someplace else.”
“You are?”
He pinched her arm, “Try not to sound so shocked.”
“Well, Spike, I am.”
“I know, I don’t blame you,” he said on a sigh and rolled onto his back, propping a hand under his head. Rolling over, Buffy rested her head on his chest.
“Did I insult you?” she asked carefully.
“No, not at all. I’m not going to lie and tell you that things aren’t still wonky in my head, they are. However, I do feel that I’m working toward something instead of against something. That makes all the difference. The need to get back to feeling like myself again, and figuring out what the exactly entails has become important to me. I haven’t felt like me in a very long time and one thing I’m trying to do is take a step back, take a deep breath, and look at the issue at hand in a calmer way. Not always easy with my temper and my incessant ability to jump to conclusions, but I’m trying.”
“That’s all any of us can do,” Buffy murmured, pressing a kiss to his chest. “I still have those days when things just seem so overwhelming all of a sudden and I have to realize that not everything has to be taken care of at once, and some things are best done one step at a time. I never got how important that concept was before.”
“I hear that,” Spike muttered, drawing her up and kissing her softly. He gazed up at her, cupping the back of her head. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” she whispered and bent down, kissing him. “And I did miss you.”
“The other thing I’m trying? I’m trying to trust a little more. Which means actually believing you when you tell me you love me.”
“Well, you should, cause it’s true. You know, for a long time I thought it had to do with my Mom. I thought it was because of her that we bonded and connected and that it was just a case of ‘two people in the work place’, but that’s not it at all. It was because of her that we met, but not the reasons why we fell in love. At least not for me.”
“Not for me either. Haven’t I been trying to tell you this all along? Buffy, if I’d met you first…I feel guilty for saying it, like I’m saying Joyce didn’t mean anything to me, she did, but…”
“I know, William,” Buffy whispered and kissed him softly, reassuringly.
“Buffy, did you…were you thinking of her when we made love?”
She shook her head, dropping back down beside him. “My focus was on you and nothing else.”
“Good.”
“But thanks for reminding me of it now.”
“I’m sorry, I--”
“I’m kidding,” she murmured. “Well, sort of. But see, I’m doing this thing where I trust you, too. I know you love me.”
“Only you.”
“Yup, only me. Forever, right?”
“Forever and ever.”
“What did you do all week?” she asked, tracing patterns with her fingers on his stomach.
“I caught up with work after having slacked off in a major way. I think Richard was annoyed with me. I had let work slide and needing a focus on something else aside from what was happening in my head, I threw myself into it.”
“I get that. How many times have you seen Tara now?”
“Twice.”
“And?”
“I like her. I don’t know that I necessarily like dredging up all these painful things.”
“But does it help to get it out? To tell someone about them?”
“Yeah, it does. I just don’t know that I like remembering things.”
“Like what? If you don’t mind my asking.”
“Like about my parents and how I miss them.”
Wrapping her arm across his middle, Buffy hugged him as best she could. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s just not easy to remember and think of how much I miss them…”
Looking up, Buffy found falling from his eyes and she shimmied up, wrapping her arm around him and kissing his tears away. “I know, baby, I know.”
“They were really great people, you know? Really great,” he said on a sob.
“I know they were. They made you, didn’t they?”
“Buffy, Christ,” he gasped and turned so that he could envelope her in his arms.
Buffy held onto him, stroking his back softly and letting him cry in her arms. “Do you have any pictures of them?”
“I do.”
“Can I see them?”
“You want to see them?”
“Of course I do.”
“Tomorrow?”
“Tomorrow.”
He let out a trembling sigh, burying his face in her neck. “There were so many times I wanted to come and see you, kitten. I had to fight back the urge to do it.”
“Same for me, but it was a good thing, right? I mean…it helped to think clearer, didn’t it?”
“I will grudgingly admit, yes. I wrote a lot in my journal which helped too.”
“Me too. Spike, I just…I want to be with you, baby, but I don’t want it to be like it was again. I don’t want to slide back into disarray and it’d be so easy to do right now…”
“I know,” he nodded against her, “I know how easy it’d be to just fall back into how we were and I know how enticing it would be to just lose myself in you again, but…but I know I can’t do that.”
“So, maybe we could try something new huh? Like…dating? Spending some time out with our friends? How’d it go with Xander by the way?”
“It was fun. I had a good time. Getting out and not being stuck in my own was a refreshing change of pace.”
“Tell me about it, I know how that feels all too well! You feel trapped inside yourself and like you can’t breathe and you don’t even want to go out and deal with anyone, but then you do and you feel so much better that you had.”
“That dark cloud gets fended off for a little while.”
“Exactly. See? We are nuts together.”
Spike grinned and pinched her, pulling back slightly to look at her. “Can we leave the rest of the heavy for tomorrow, pet? Just for tonight, and I promise just for tonight.”
Buffy smiled warily, “All right.”
“I’m serious, you can bring all this up again tomorrow and I will not pitch a fit.”
“I’ll believe it when I see it,” she muttered and shrieked when Spike swatted her behind. Smiling broadly, she looked up at him. “I like that! Can you do it again?”
Spike’s gaze darkened lustfully. “Kinky side to you pet, huh?”
She nodded adamantly. “Yup. Want to explore it?”
Rolling her onto her back, Spike nodded. “You bet I do.”
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