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Author's Chapter Notes:
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A/N: Thanks to all my reviewers - you inspire me!

To oooooo: Thank you for the peace offering. I have never expected this fic to be to everyone's taste, but I do appreciate constructive criticism. I don't want to leave any more angry notes and I hope that if you wish to leave any more reviews that you can be civil. If you don't like this fic, then may I suggest you try my completed fic 'The Arrangement' - it neither takes place in high school nor sees Spike as the bad guy. Or Buffy for that matter. And there's no Riley.




Chapter 10

Buffy sat in her room reading the new book she had picked up from the library. Riley had left about half an hour ago for a hospital appointment, but they planned to grab some food later before going to see a movie. Thinking of food made her stomach growl, so putting down her book, she headed to the kitchen to fix herself a sandwich.

The kitchen window looked out over the garden and her favorite elm tree and upon glancing out she was surprised to see Spike sitting there, his knees bent and his head leaning back against the bark. His eyes were closed and she noticed a trickle of blood coming from his nose.

What had happened to him? Was he hurt? He looked like he might be in pain and then there was the blood. Should she go and help him? Her head told her to leave him to deal with the situation by himself, knowing it could do more harm than good, but her heart yelled at her to do the decent thing and check that he was ok. Ignoring her better judgment, she opened the door and headed across the garden towards him.

When her shadow fell across his sightline, he opened his eyes. “Buffy?” he whispered, as though he thought she might not be real.

From her current position she could see that as well as the bleeding nose, he also had cut across his forehead and scrapes on his face. “Spike, what happened to you?” When he didn’t respond, she knelt down beside him and took his hand. “Spike, talk to me. What’s the matter?”

He finally focused on her, though he’s eyes looked glassy. “Leave me alone. Go back to Captain Cardboard. You don’t want me anymore.”

“Spike, please tell me what happened to you? Where did you get the cuts and scrapes?”

“It just came out of nowhere…”

“What did?”

“The lamppost…I didn’t see it…”

Buffy gasped when she realized what he was talking about. “Spike, you crashed your car?”

He started to move and that stiffened, wincing in pain.

“Spike you’re hurt…”

Though seeming reluctant, he allowed her to help him to his feet and lead him towards the door to the staff kitchen. Once inside she sat him down on a chair and then pulled out a half full bottle of bourbon from Joe the gardener’s secret stash. She poured a glass and handed it to Spike who downed it in one gulp.

When he looked at her again, his eyes were less flat, but he looked like he was fighting the tears. It was strange; Buffy had never seen him even close to crying – he seemed the type to consider it a weakness. She knelt beside him with a warm wet cloth and began to dab at his cuts.

“Spike, why did you crash your car?”

At first she didn’t think he was going to answer and then he mumbled something about driving too fast and having to get away.

She was confused. “Get away from what?”

“Dru…”

Buffy couldn’t help the sudden flash of jealousy. “You were with Drusilla?”

He seemed to almost turn on her then. “No, weren’t you listening! I’m not with Dru!” He calmed down a little. “She wants others…she doesn’t want me…you don’t want me either.”

Buffy chose to ignore the last comment as the truth suddenly dawned. “Dru was cheating on you?”

He shut his eyes as if the memory was too painful and when he opened them, they were filled with tears. “I found with Angel…and Darla…”

Buffy’s eyes widened. Drusilla was cheating on Spike with his best friend and his best friend’s girlfriend? Was she mad? Who in their right mind would choose Angel over Spike?

No matter how much he’d hurt her, Buffy couldn’t help but feel sympathetic. Obviously he had loved Drusilla for this to affect him the way that it had and if anyone knew about losing the one you loved, it was her.

“Spike, I’m sorry.”

Hearing her words, he sat up in his chair and wiped self-consciously at his eyes. “Don’t say that. You don’t mean it. I’m nothing to you.”

“Spike, that’s not true.”

“Yes, it is. I don’t have anyone. Dru wasn’t happy with me, so she went to Angel and Darla. And you weren’t happy with me either so you went to Riley.”

Buffy really didn’t want to talk about Riley with Spike. As it was, she felt a little guilty about helping Spike, especially after Riley’s doubts about her and Spike’s ‘relationship’. She didn’t want to give him anymore fuel for suspicion. But it seemed that Spike didn’t have her reservations.

“Why wasn’t I enough for you?”

No matter how forlorn he looked, his words made Buffy see red and she stood up and backed away from him. “How dare you ask me that Spike! Why weren’t you enough for me? Because I wasn’t enough for you. Sleeping with me didn’t stop you from sleeping with a bunch of other girls at the same time. And don’t think I’ve forgotten you trying it on with me even after you officially started seeing Drusilla.” Finishing her tirade Buffy turned away, so angry she couldn’t look at him.

“Buffy, I'm sorry…”

She turned back to look at him and saw him hanging his head, as if in shame. But she refused to get her read into anything right now. "Sorry for what? It was more than just you using me that hurt."

“You're right. I know I've done many things to hurt you and I'm really not proud of it. I never realised it but I did the same thing to you that Dru did to me. And it never really occured to me how it made you feel."

"Spike..."

"Please Buffy, let me finish. I wish I didn't have to admit it, but I guess in a way you were convenient. I slept with you and I knew that none of my friends would have to find out. I ignored you out of bed and acted like I was ashamed of you. All to impress friends like Angel and Darla who I now know aren’t worth impressing." He looked over at her. "Buffy, I don't deserve your forgiveness but I hope you believe me when I say that I really am sorry for what I've done."

Her heart softened a little. For the first time in her life, Spike seemed genuine. She knew it often took something momentous to make people realize the truth of a situation. “Spike, it really doesn’t matter anymore. It’s in the past. Let’s just leave it at that.” She sat down next to him. “Maybe we can even be friends.”

A several seconds he sat there in silence before reaching out to ghost a hand down her cheek. “Buffy, I don’t want to just be your friend.”

Buffy had almost forgotten how good it felt to have Spike touch her and the temptation to know his touch again was overwhelming. But she couldn’t do it to Riley.

“Spike we can’t…”

His hand dropped away as if he’d been burnt. “I know, I’m sorry. I was wrong of me to even think you’d still want me after what I did. I know I don’t deserve you, Buffy – I guess I never did.”

“It’s not that. Spike, I’m with Riley now.”

The words were barely out of her mouth, before he leaned closer and kissed her. As always, her heart began to pound in her chest, her nipples tightened and she felt a rush of dampness between her legs. When he pulled back, they were both breathing hard.

“Does Riley make you feel like this?”

In truth Riley had never made her feel the way that Spike made her feel. But she it would be so wrong to give in to temptation…

“Spike, please, stop…” she whispered, though she knew she didn’t sound at all convincing.

“I’m sorry, luv, I just can’t help it. Buffy, you’re beautiful.”

Never in all the time that they’d been sleeping together had he ever said she was beautiful. And his voice and his eyes as he looked at her were both filled almost with a sense of awe.

And it broke her. She could no longer fight the desire she felt now and the love she had always felt. Though she knew that the consequences would probably be dire, she threw caution to the wind and pulling him to her, she kissed him.





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