A/N: Apologies for taking so long to update - I have started actually teaching again and I'm very busy. Plus I no longer have a computer at home so I'm relying on free time at school - which there's not much of. Thursdays and weekends are usually the only time I have free to use the computers at my local library so most updates will be posted then, though keeping looking out cause I may just surprise you. Mid-term break is coming up in two weeks so I'll hopefully have a whole week to write and post more often. But now I have a better idea where I'm going with this fic, things should progress better.
On that note, while I always appreciate all my reviewers for their positive and helpful comments, I would like to say a special thank you to Angi and Jo. I was feeling a bit unhappy with this fic and I felt that something was definitely missing and their reviews helped me pinpoint that. So I've now posted a chapter purely from Spike's POV and I hope this answers theirs and my other readers questions. Onwards...
Chapter 13
Spike sat at the back of his English class, aimlessly doodling in his notebook. The class were reading ‘Great Expectations’, which was boring him silly since he’d read it at least half a dozen times when he was younger.
Luckily neither Dru nor Angel nor Darla were in this class. Both Dru and Angel had been in his math class the previous lesson and though Angel had wisely ignored him, his jaw nursing a large purple bruise Spike noticed with satisfaction, Dru had continued to stare at him from across the room almost as though she believed she could hypnotize him into forgetting what a lying, cheating bitch she was.
As had happened many times over the past couple of days, he had wondered just how he had fallen for her tricks. Not for the first time he considered that maybe it was because she reminded him a little of Cecily, his first crush.
Though totally different in almost every way, both Cecily and Dru had had a certain self-assurance – completely convinced of their own superiority above all others. It was a quality that had attracted him to both of them – they never doubted that they warranted his interest and yet when they had it they failed to appreciate it – Cecily had treated him like garbage even though he’d followed her around like a lost puppy and Dru had cheated on him with two people he’d considered friends.
And then there was Buffy. Buffy didn’t believe she was better than everyone else and he had to admit it was a refreshing change. Her interest in him wasn’t born out of an ingrained knowledge that he should consider himself lucky if she gave him the time of day, but rather she seemed to be interested in him for him. He doubted that Dru or Cecily had ever been interested in him for him. Dru had liked the fact that he was popular, probably because it provided her with the opportunity to get closer to Angel and Darla, while Cecily had enjoyed the fact that no matter what she was without fail at the center of at least one person’s attention.
At the time, he had thought he had loved Cecily – he had written enough bloody poems about her – but after she cruelly tore his heart out by first encouraging his interest and then rejecting him, he realized that it had only been infatuation. And so the experience had spawned his transformation from shy, sweet William into confident, cool Spike – an image which he had cultivated after his family moved to Sunnydale from England.
Love was something that had always escaped Spike. Though he had often told Dru he had loved her, usually after particularly satisfying sex, he didn’t really know what he meant when he said the words. Maybe that was the result of not having had much experience of love in his life. His mother had died when he was just a baby and apart from his father, he had no other relatives. He believed his father loved him in his own way, but the combination of losing his wife, which had greatly affected Rupert Giles, and his formal English upbringing did not make for a father who could excel at the outward display of love.
Deep down, he knew he wanted to know and experience love. He might not really understand the emotions behind it but he had seen its effects. His father had remained a widower for seventeen years after the love of his life died. And Xander and Cordelia – when they think there’s no one watching – could be so sweet with each other. Love, it seemed, had a lot to do with really caring about somebody else.
His thoughts moved back to Buffy. She had been so kind to him after he crashed his car. They had never really been friends, but she had seen that he was in pain – both physical and emotional – and she had lent her support. While his initial reaction to her had been purely physical attraction – her blonde almost ethereal beauty had completely drawn him in – it was the way she had treated him after his crash that really stuck in his mind. He knew that he was probably her least favorite person in the world at that moment, but she had ignored all that in order to aid him in his time of need. It seemed a pretty unselfish thing to do – help out someone who you really didn’t want to have anything to do with. Dru would never have done something like that and he reckoned he would have died of shock if he’d ever seen Cecily do something that wasn’t 99% selfish.
For the first time, he realized just how different Buffy was to any girl he’d ever known. He’d never really gotten close enough to Cecily to find out but he was pretty sure that there wasn’t much beyond what she put out there – which wasn’t much. Dru, too, had been somewhat one-dimensional. But Buffy had a spirit that made her more…human.
Though he had sometimes doubted it with Dru, if he hadn’t known any better, he would have said that Buffy was the only living and breathing one out of the three of them. And it was for this reason that he had found himself admitting to wanting to be with her, possibly in a relationship, because he knew that such would not be empty and unfulfilling as his previous relationships had been.
But he had hurt her and he knew it would be difficult for her to get past. Especially considering how badly he’d treated her – something which he had only recently realized. He had been so blind to it all before, but once she’d said it, it was almost like someone had switched on a light in his head and he saw exactly what he had done and was doing. Maybe it was because his eyes were finally open to the reality that was his relationship with Dru and he was no longer ignoring the truth for the sake of his image that everything seemed clearer. He had often felt over the past couple of years that many of the things he had done were accomplished on autopilot. As if rather than being about malice, his indifferent personality was merely an indistinguishable part of the image of Spike which he had created.
But in the last couple of days he had felt that the impermeable persona of Spike was finally being permeated. Of course he still retained the majority of his characteristics – confidence, notoriety and a definite backbone – but he could definitely recognize in himself a few of the traits that had once been attributed to William – regret, honesty and regard for others. Like this morning, when Buffy had told him of her break up with Finn, he had actually felt a little sympathy for Captain Cardboard. Maybe this was who he was supposed to be – not William, not Spike, but a combination of the good qualities of both.
His eyes drifted to the clock and he saw that the lesson was nearly over and his ponce of a teacher was still droning on about the semi-autobiographical style of the Dickens novel. Lunch was next and it would mean he could see with Buffy. He also wanted to make sure she was ok – while no one had dared question him about their joint arrival this morning, no matter how curious they may be, he couldn’t stop them from quizzing her.
He knew she’d been worried and he tried to think of something he could do to cheer her up. Suddenly an idea flashed in his head and he had a fantastic idea, something he just knew she’d love. As soon as the bell went and he was out of the classroom and into the hall, he pulled out his cell and dialed a number.
“Ethan?” he said when the call was answered. “It’s Spike. I need a favor.”
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