Chapter 28
Spike lay on his bed, unable to believe what had happened. Buffy had broken up with him because his stupid bitch of an ex-girlfriend had tapped into her insecurities and made her believe that he was cheating on her. A small part of him knew he couldn’t blame her – after all he’d treated her like dirt in the beginning – but the rest of him was seething with anger, both at Buffy and at Dru.
Where Dru was concerned, he’d love to wrap his hands around her bony neck and choke the life out of her. Ever since she’d walked into his life, his world had been turned upside down. Firstly in a good way, but he’d soon come to realize that she was like a parasite – she'd been fucking up his life ever since he met her. Even after he’d kicked her to the curb, she’d still found a way to mess everything up and her latest plot had been incredibly successful. Maybe not as successful as she had hoped because if she thought that pulling this stunt was going bring him back to her then she was more deluded than he’d given her credit for.
His anger at Buffy was different. He was angry at her lack of trust in him – after everything that had happened, he thought he’d proven to her how much he cared for her and how he wanted to be with her – but it wasn’t the kind of anger than made him want to do her harm. It was more the kind that made him want to break down and cry. Which in turn made him more angry because it reminded him of how he’d been when Cecily had trampled all over him and though he felt his inner William had mellowed the arrogant prick he’d been before he’d gotten together with Buffy, he hated the thought of being so weak like that again. And worse still the pain he’d felt with Cecily was nothing compared to how he felt with Buffy – it was as if his heart had been literally ripped out of his chest.
And he knew why that was. He was in love with Buffy. Completely and irrevocably. Though he’d only recently admitted it to himself, in truth he’d known deep down for a long time. The way he felt about her was totally different to how he’d felt about Cecily or Dru. It was as if his whole life was black and white and she’d made it Technicolor.
Now as he lay on his bed mourning the loss of the first girl he had ever really loved, he felt the color slowly seeping out of his life, leaving the old black and white which he could no longer feel happy with. Rolling over he punched the pillow in frustration and then pressed his face into in, breathing in the trace of Buffy’s vanilla-scented shampoo. It had only been a few hours since he had found her asleep on the bed when he’d arrived home from the party and already her scent was starting to dissipate.
He rolled over again and sat up, immediately spotting the pendant that had been the source of all the problems. Grabbing it he hurled it across the room, only to have it fly into a framed picture he had on his desk – a picture that Willow had taken of him and Buffy the day they'd gone to the beach with her and Oz. The picture wobbled precariously and then fell off the desk and onto the floor. He bent to retrieve it and found the glass smashed and the frame broken.
As he slowly traced the picture with his finger, the floodgates opened and he broke into great heavy sobs, his shoulders shaking. The tears made him angry but somehow he couldn’t stop.
Before he’d gotten together with Buffy, he’d been a notorious lothario and if he’d ever had problems with a girl he was seeing, he’d always been able to easily charm his way back in her graces even if he didn’t really want to.
This was the first time he’d ever really wanted to make things right and the first time that he had no clue how to.
Buffy lay curled up on her single bed wearing one of Spike’s t-shirts that he’d lent her once. No matter that they were no longer together, she couldn’t seem to part with it. It was a concert t-shirt from a Sex Pistols US tour and though she’d worn it several times, it still carried his lingering scent that her foolish heart clung to like a life raft. The scent of leather and tobacco – though he’d been trying to quit for what seemed like forever – and a unique fragrance that was pure Spike.
She’d cried for most of the night, eventually falling into a broken sleep just before dawn. She felt utterly miserable. It was her own stupid fear that had torn apart her relationship with Spike. Even though for the most part she could acknowledge the stupidity of it all, that nagging voice still remained, no matter how much she wished it would go away.
Even though they pretty much lived in the same house, she hadn’t seen Spike since she’d walked out on him the day before. Part of her held a small hope that he might try to see her, try to change her mind, but she guessed he wasn’t interested in doing so. The nagging voice told her it was proof that he wasn’t that into her in the first place if he wasn’t even prepared to try and win her back. Maybe he’d realized he’d had a lucky escape. Maybe he was right now leafing through his little black book and deciding who her replacement should be.
Damn! She had to stop letting that voice take control. It had already done enough damage and imagining what Spike might be getting up to now that he was a free agent and who with was a special kind a torture she’d really rather not indulge with in. The less she thought about her ex, the easier it would be for her to move on and concentrate on what was really important.
Like her baby. In all the craziness that had encompassed the last twelve hours, the news of her unexpected pregnancy had kinda taken a back seat.
She knew she should be feeling absolutely terrified at the prospect of being a mom at seventeen let alone being a single mom at seventeen, but the truth was she didn’t want to focus on all the problems with the situation, not when so much else was going wrong in her life.
Even though she knew that raising a child was going to be the hardest thing she ever had to do, even though her mom would freak when she heard the news and even though since breaking up with Spike, she didn’t know whether her baby would even have a father, she couldn’t help but smile at the thought of the little baby growing inside her.
She knew that as well as telling her mom, she’d also have to tell Spike. But things were so up in the air with them at the moment that it was hard to know what the best course of action was. Of course he deserved to know that she was carrying his baby but when it came down to it, how did she know whether or not he’d even be around if she did tell him? If he did find someone else, would be interested in his ex-girlfriend’s illegitimate child. More than that, how would he feel about being lumbered with being a parent when he was about to go off to college? When she’d first heard the news about the baby, she’d imagined Spike being a terrific father, but after everything that had happened, where did that leave her and her unborn child?
She brought her hand up to her stomach. “Don’t worry, Baby,” she whispered, stroking it gently. “Mommy loves you.”
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Author's Chapter Notes:
And another update...still more angst I'm afraid - I'm gonna have to drag this one out but trust me when I say that the end is worth it (I hope - I mean that's just my opinion). When I was writing this chapter I really wanted to hug Spike - not that I don't want to do that every moment anyway - but even more so here. Hope you like...