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~*~
CHAPTER 6
~*~


Looking back, Spike would have good reason to be grateful that the Concorde was no longer in service. It took enough time to get from London to L.A. for Buffy to cool down a bit and even begin to think.

"Why, why hadn't he even called?", she asked herself again and again. Yeah, yeah...she got that Angel had yammered at him about possible danger and too many questions, his purpose and all of that, but, geez since when did Spike listen to Angel?

Somewhere over the Atlantic Buffy drifted off to a troubled sleep. Dreams, not of the slayer type, yet every bit as disturbing, kept her from getting any true rest. "Scenes from an affair" she would have titled them if they were a film rather than dreams. Vague relived memories of their incredibly disfunctional, secretive affair soon after she had died then been whisked away from heaven and her reward.

Buffy realized with a start that now there was one more thing she and Spike shared. Both had died as heroes only to be brought back against their will. She only hoped that he had been someplace as wonderful as she had been, even if only for a short time. He had earned it. Maybe, after she finished knocking him senseless for not contacting her, she would ask him.

Buffy had booked whatever flights would get her to L.A. in the least amount of time yet the hours dragged on for what seemed like forever. She changed planes in Atlanta with only the shortest of layovers. Her skin felt like ants we crawling under it as her nerves worked overtime in anticipation and anger. Part of her wanted to kill him and the other part just wanted to touch him again, make sure he was really there. He had always made her feel so
many jangled emotions....always this intense too.

Back in the air again, she tried to relax and get some rest. More troubling dreams of things, words and events that Buffy had hoped to never revisit replayed in her mind and stayed with her on waking.

Spike's face, so frequently bruised, battered and bloody stared at her from over the last few year. So often he became a punching bag either on her behalf or by her own hand.

She remembered the first time, that turning point in their relationship, when Glory had tortured the soulless vampire almost to the point of no recovery. She had told him she would never forget what he had done for her. Yet within a year she, herself, had beaten him nearly as badly.

She heard her own voice, so harsh in her own ears, as she repeatedly called him evil, disgusting, a "thing". "God, how could he have continued to love me through that?" she asked herself in wonder. Yet, he had. He so very clearly did love her, all the way to the point of death. No matter which Buffy he had to deal with, he still loved. And, unlike Buffy, he loved unashamedly and without restraint.

If she had ever wondered if he had a false image of her that he actually "loved", his speach to her the night when she'd been driven from her own home had proved to her that he did know her and loved all of what he knew. How many women could ever hope for that?

Finally, Buffy remembered their last moments together. Her surprise at realizing just what her feelings really were for this man. "Yes, man!" she deliberately repeated to herself. Her horror in realizing that she had run out of time was still crystal clear. Her fear filled voice as she finally said the words that she knew were more desired by him than anything in this life. The admission of love returned that she had denied to herself and to him until it was too late to matter. Words she knew he had craved more than even the blood he needed to survive. She had cheated him to the end.

She had cried many nights, when she knew herself to be alone, over his reaction. He had still looked at her with endless love for her shining out of his eyes and told her that he didn't believe her! She could hardly blame him, given their history.

God, she had been such a fool clinging to a memory of a faerie tale first love that wasn't even real. Yes, she HAD loved Angel, or at least the image she had of Angel. She had idolized him, had a vision that no one could live up to. That was who she had truly loved. That and the dewy eyed memories of 16 year old girl with the first rush of attraction and romance. Poor Angel, their great love wasn't even about the man he really was. He deserved that at the very least. No wonder they didn't have that perfect moment of dangerous happiness! THAT Buffy and Angel had been gone long ago, if they had ever really existed at all except in imagination.

Maybe she already knew why Spike had stayed away when he resurrected. What could he have reasonably expected from her? "Hi, Buffy, guess who's not dust anymore," he might have asked. "And what would I have said back to him?" she asked herself. Well, she probably would have said the right words, "Oh, I'm so glad," and all, but, would she have run TO him, or headed for the hills with one excuse or another?

It had been a year and 8 months since that battle, since she had watched as he began to burn to his death. She'd had time to grieve, to get honest with herself and to grow up.

Hey, she had just finally put the whole "Buffy 'n Angel 4ever" baggage to rest after all this time. No, maybe it would have been of the bad for Spike again if he had called or come.

Maybe, once again, he knew her better than she knew herself. Maybe she finally wore him out as she had nearly broken him once before.

Well, at least now she was in a place where she could talk to him as he deserved. She had been given enough time to think, to remember, to admit some hard truths to herself. Maybe she'd surprise him with this new, improved, Buffy.

She was pretty sure he'd still love her 'cause he always seemed to "get her", yet love her anyway. Besides, look how long he had loved dizzy Dru. No, her Spike was the very definition of long haul guy.


~*~

CHAPTER 7

February 12, 2005 Los Angeles, California

~*~

The crash of ceramic startled the W&H employees in the lobby outside the big man's office. One of Harmony's herd of Unicorn had become as much dust as Harm feared for her own fate. Judging by the look given to her by the slayer, Harmony might join her mythical steed shortly. "That bitch never did like me," Harm reminded herself.

Angel's secretary was so startled to see Buffy there at W&H that she had knocked over her prettiest pink ribboned, gold horned treasure.

"Um, Buffy!" she tried to say as brightly as possible. "Angel isn't here and, gee, you're looking great Buffy ...um...those Italian shoes? Can I get you a cab or a hotel or something, lunch maybe you look like you could eat something. I just know Angel will hate missing you! I guess you must have missed him over there with Giles," Harmony rattled in a close imitation of one of Fred's over long sentences. "Woah, I hope someone has enough sense to warn Spikey," Harm thought briefly, then returned to worrying about her own situation again.

"Not here to see Angel, already saw him. Just point me to Spike's office and don't EVEN think about phoning a heads up, Harmony. I still remember your lame gang and your going after my sister. If you know what's good for you, you'll become my new best friend here real quick," Buffy said while giving Harm her best serious slayer look.

"Ooooo-key, sure thing Buffy," Harmony replied filled with cooperation. "Just go down that hall there and it's the 3rd door on the left, um, he's probably in," she continued.

"Thanks for your help, Harm, oh, and sorry about your horsie," Buffy said as she turned to leave.

"It's a Unicorn you skinny dumb blonde," Harmony said under her breath to Buffy's retreating back. "Probably natural too!" she huffed in disgust.


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Spike sighed and took a large sip of his coffee. He had agreed to help Wes in some translations of an ancient demon dialect that was frustrating both of them for the past few weeks. "Some sort of demon Nostrodomus crap written in more than one language," Spike had reported to Wes that morning. "Gonna take bleedin' forever, makin' sense of it," he had decided. Wes had the same pained expression on his face as did Spike at the thought of the number of hours likely to be needed in translating the old document.

Spike stood up to stretch his cramped muscles. He had always preferred being in motion and this research stuff was really starting to feel like hell to him. "Well, that's the idea, ya' soddin' git, do the 'good guy' routine and keep your bum out of the real hell eventually," he reminded himself of the more personal reasons to play for this team. "Gotta' be useful, can't just get by bein' decorative," he joked to himself.

All week Spike had tied to discover where gel boy had got off to. Finally, last night over a pint, Gunn had slipped and Spike found out that Angel was with Giles in London. "Great, the poof is off to the motherland, probably carvin' his bloody initials in some tree with the slayer while I'm here up to my arse in bad demon poetry," he grumbled. "Hey, saved the world here - you'd think I'd catch a break now and again," he said aloud to whatever Powers might give a listen.

The slayer, HIS slayer, not a day went by when he hadn't decided to call her or just show up. Then not a minute later, he'd see himself acting like a bleedin' lap dog again...begging for scraps and getting kicked in the head for his efforts and comin' back for more. NO...this resurrection thing was about him, not her. About his chance to do everything right this time.

He'd bollocksed up his life as William over a woman and paid dearly for it. He'd get it right this time. He would always love Buffy, but this time he had to make his unlife count for more than just that; just her.

He won his soul for her, but it was still HIS soul. He had to feed it and use it to make the winning of it worth all he had endured. "Wouldn't be any kind of man if I didn't," he told himself. Wasn't gonna' let himself be the 'thing' she'd always called him," he thought with renewed determination.

"Another stretch, another refill on the coffee and back to the grind stone for this vampire," he thought. Spike headed for the coffeemaker. "Bloody brilliant invention, this," he said with a smile.

The smile faded quickly as somethng registered on his awareness. He stood still, his senses on full alert. He sensed...."no, can't be," he felt a tremble begin inside at what he seemed to be sensing. He moved, catlike, to the door of his office, arriving just as the knock sounded.

He nearly kept quiet. The urge to pretend he wasn't in rolled through him like a tidal wave. He wasn't prepared, wasn't nearly ready, he began to panic. Trying to calm the unnecessary breaths he had always continued to draw, he took a deep breath and spoke. "Come in, Buffy, and thanks for knocking," he said with false bravado.

"How'd you know it was me....did that twit Harmony warn you?" she asked as she entered. "God, what a strange first conversation to be having," she thought.

"Still a vampire, pet, besides always could tell when you were near," Spike reminded her. "Come on in, slayer, I still don't bite," he smiled at her as he tried to lighten the mood.

Buffy and Spike stood in complete silence drinking in each other as if thirsting for ages. Neither reached out to touch he other as if fearing the vision would disappear like a mirage.

Finally the moment was ended with the dulcet tones of Harmony asking, "So, ya' want me to hold your calls, blondie bear?"

Buffy lifted an amused eyebrow at the obvious attempt on Harmony's part to ruffle her feathers.

Spike never took his eyes off of Buffy when he replied, "Harm, I'm sure you've got less dangerous things to do than to play 'tweak the slayer' so why don't you just run along and do them.....there's a good little girl."

Buffy laughed aloud and went to sit in one of the 2 side chairs in Spike's office.

"So, peaches got all guilty like and decided to tell you about me, huh?" he began.

"No, actually it was Giles who let the cat out of the bag. He looked kinda' funny tryin' to shove the kitty back in too...you'd have loved the look on his face," she relayed with a grin.

Spike smiled slightly but didn't respond. He felt on uncertain ground here. Clearly Buffy seemed glad he was alive and she didn't appear to be about to stake him for keeping his return a secret. 'Still, it wasn't like she was havin' to hold herself back from givin' us a hug', he reminded himself.

"Well, I sure didn't see this coming," she said. "Last week I had no plans to ever come back to California again and I would never have thought to........God, Spike, you're alive!" she trailed off as the tears finally slid from the pools of her eyes.

"Well, luv, still not exactly alive ya' know, Vampire still," he answered. It was all he could do to keep from wiping her tears from her flushed cheeks. God, she was so very beautiful! She glowed. Spike knew if his heart DID still beat it would be nearly irratic enough to hospitalize him right about now.

She was everything he loved and all he had ever wanted, all in one small two footed package. Close enough to touch and dangerous enough to burn. Reaching for her was like reaching for the sun and he had to remind himself what the sun did to a vampire. He needed no reminders of the pain that came from burning to death, he remembered that all too well.

"So, um, wanna' spill? I've gotta admit I doubt if I got more than the Readers Digest condensed version of your grand reentrance. I sorta' heard enough, got plenty pissed of, then stormed off to make plane reservations. Kinda' anti-climatic to go back after that for more details. Angel and Giles told me you were a ghost, then something about a package in the mail and bingo, Spike all solid citizeny?" she tried to tease the story from him.

"Yeah, that's kind of the story in a nutshell. One minute I was burning up as Sunnydale was coming down around me, next thing I'm in the fashionably posh office of my grand sire. Figured I really was in hell, ya' know. Wasn't a lotta' love I was feeling, gotta tell ya', pet. Your true love was even less happy to see me than I was to see him. Guess I was just too much 'mail' for Peaches," he punned.

"Ouch!" Buffy acknowledged the joke. "So, did anyone figure out how the amulet got to Angel or how you were stuck in the cheap jewelry ....'cause I gotta' tell ya' that thing wasn't really your style," she tried to join his apparent light mood.


"No clue, darlin', and no real answers about the ghostly start, or the mystic package of recoporealization either," Spike said a bit more seriously. "That was one thing I had to agree with Angel about. I've been played by too many big bads over the years to just think it's all ice cream and fluffy bunnies now. Last thing I wanta' do is let some bleedin' evil power turn me into some surprise letter bomb against the people I lo......well, not gonna' be used again if I can help it 's all."

Buffy saw a flash of fear quickly followed by the set jaw of determination as Spike expertly masked the feelings on his so expressive face. She sadly remembered when his face was an open book. Had she been the cause the caution that made him mask his emotions? She remembered it had started when he returned from Africa with his new shiny soul, as soon as his mind cleared. She had thought the soul might be the cause, but now wondered if she had done that to him too.

"Okay, guess I can see why you'd be careful after what the FE did after you got your soul," Buffy admitted. "Still...closin' in on a couple of years here, Spike, didn't you think I'd want to know, what to see you?" she asked with an emotion cracked voice.

"Wasn't really sure, pet," he answered in a near whisper.

Buffy wasn't sure what to say to that. Obviously he didn't know how much she had meant that "I love you" in the hellmouth. Maybe, in all fairness, she hadn't realized it either until just a few days ago.

She felt like a blind person who had just regained their sight. Unlike that analogy, she saw everything with a clearness and focus she was sure she'd need if she was going to keep from blowing this yet again. Spike was a strong man, but years of trying to pull her out of the river denial and years of abuse at her hands had pushed him to his limits.

He wasn't on a false pedestal like she had placed Angel. He was real and he felt things deeply and she had hurt him badly. "This time," Buffy swore to herself, "I'll be the woman he deserves and try to deserve the man he has always been."

"Know a place around here where a girl could get one of those onion things you got me addicted to?" Buffy gave Spike a sly smile that hinted at more than onions.

"You buyin' slayer? 'Cause payday isn't for a while and I gotta' tell ya' brood boy can pinch a penny hard enough to be acused of assassinatin’ ' Lincoln all over again ."

"You're on......blondie bear," she teased as she stood to leave.

"I swear I'm gonna' kill Harmony sooner or later," he laughed in response. "Don't suppose you'd be forgettin' that little name she insists on callin' me any time soon?" he asked. "You've got no idea how my insides roll whenever the gelled wonder uses that nickname.....yeah, I'm just gonna' have to kill the silly bint," he complained good naturedly. He held the door for Buffy to lead the way out of the office.



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They ate at a small dimly lit outlet of a chain resturaunt that featured those onion blossoms and fake Australian ambience. Spike was starting to feel more comfortable in her company than he had since the beginning of their life changing affair a few years before. Back when he and Buffy had laid foundations of real friendship and caring. Back before it got both more wonderful and more ugly than any time in his long life. Comfortable enough to be a bit scary.

Buffy basked in the warmth that defined Spike. She watched as he ate and drank and breathed, all those human things that vampires didn't do...but Spike did. ("Just like love", her subconscious mind added sternly.) How was it that she had never really noticed just how human he had always been. Funny, she and all her friends had always judged him by human standards and found him wanting. No excuse of, "he's a soulless demon" to temper their judgements of him, not like with Angelus. No, the soulless demon reminders were reserved for putting him in his place.

He'd always been as much human as vampire and never been given credit for all the things about him that defied the demon within.

Even getting his soul back hadn't changed him much. He wasn't like Angel, who was not at ALL like the soulless Angelus.

"...at least I think that's how the bloody thing will wind up translating. Um, Buffy did I put you to sleep with the shop talk?" Spike asked self consciously. He had been explaining his latest project at work and had looked up to see a far away look on Buffy's face that made it clear that she hadn't heard much of what he'd said. She didn't respond so he said, "and then the chicken exploded in a mess of feathers and blue eggs came out of Fred's nose."

"Huh?" Buffy said as what Spike had just said finally reached her mind. "God, I'm sorry! I really was listening, okay, maybe not the last sentence or two ...but all the rest. I was attentive girl, promise," she tried to assure him quickly. "You know me, research, not so much my thing. Dawnie got the smart DNA, I go the pointy sticks," she finished.

"I've always thought you are a lot smarter than you are aware of, Buffy," Spike revealed. "You let other people treat you like you are less than you really are. Your mind works just fine, Buffy, don't let anyone treat you like you are lacking," he advised.

"Hey, same for you, you know. I hear the stuff about "stupid Spike", even let you kinda' say stuff like that about yourself. You couldn't have lived over a century if you were stupid, much less win against a couple of slayers, survive Angelus, AND keep daffy Dru alive too. I'm really glad Wes seems to see you've got a lot to offer," she stated, "you always did."

They both were silent for a while lost in their own thoughts with a side order of self-conscious embarrassment.

The rest of the evening was back to the comfortable sharing of two souls firmly connected to each other, anchored by a shared past.

They each filled the other in on what they had been doing since that morning so long ago in Sunnydale. By the time the waitress began to hint that the table was needed for other diners, they had shared tears and laughter in a way they never had with each other before.

Spike drove Buffy back to her hotel using the hot red Viper that he had claimed for himself the previous year.

"You know, I left London so angry with you...but....I think all it really would have taken was seeing you there, alive as ever. I'm just too happy to be angry at anyone. There's still so much to say, to clear up. Spike, take tomorrow off, okay?" she begged with words and her eyes. "I'll make sure Angel doesn't fire you," she quipped. "After all, it is Saturday and even Angel couldn’t ask you to work without days off!" Buffy pointed out.

"Sure Buffy, if that's what you want...'as you wish'," he answered softly, quoting from "PRINCESS BRIDE". "You know what they say, ‘evil doesn’t take time off’, so we can’t either," he replied. "Actually, I usually DO have off the weekends, we all do, but several of the poofs key people are doin’ the 24/7 because of a couple of cases on the hot burner right now. I’ll go in and clear up the urgent stuff then I’m all yours," he promised.

Buffy leaned over the gear shift and kissed him lightly saying, "Welcome back, my champion," and got out of the Viper before Spike could react.

Spike was nearly in a stupor at that. All the physical blows she had ever leveled on him hadn't knocked him as senseless as her words and kiss.

Hell, was he supposed to meet her here tomorrow? Was she going to call? "You wanker, just let her get out without a plan. Yeah, you're a regular Einstein," he chided himself.


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When he returned to his office to do some clean up work he saw the flashing message light on his phone. He hit play as he warmed up a mug of blood, executive Otter blend at that. A fella deserved a bit of celebration now and again after all.

"Yes, Spike, how is the translation going on your end? I fear I've hit a bit of a snag or two with my segment. Perhaps we can go over it in tandem and get a handle on it finally. Yes, well, give us a call then when you get in to set up a time for a cram course in demon linguistics."

CLICK ... BEEP

"Um, Spike, I wasn't sure if I should call. Buffy's liable to kill me but I guess you should have fair warning. Buffy found out and is on the warpath. You might want to get out of town for a while so she can cool off. I"m going to tie things up here in London and will be flying back home early next week. Ok, well, Wes has the scoop on all our current cases, you can check with him if anything comes up. Wait, don't even think about taking the Viper if you leave town! Oh, and Willow says...hey."

Spike snorted then said to the machine, "thanks for the heads up, poof."

CLICK

"kinda' beat ya' to it, did the slayer. And 'hey' back at ya' Red."


BEEP

"Spike! Wow I'm a space case today. Just chalk it up to jet lag and a big case of the happies! Tomorrow how about I meet you there at your office. God, how weird is THAT sentence! I think early afternoon 'cause I just got hit with a major case of time differentitis! Anyway, I'm sure we'll find some place to talk. You haven't shown me where you live even. I am so glad you are here and real. I've missed you more than you know. Remember when I said I wasn't ready for you to be gone? Well, never got to the ready. By the way, I love the way my name sounds when you say it. It doesn't sound silly, just pretty. Spike, I've never had a better day than today ... um .. see you tomorrow. I lo.......I'll see you then, goodnight."

CLICK

Spike stared at the machine and forced himself to not get his hopes up. He seemed to have Buffy's friendship, she clearly cared that he wasn't dust. "Pretty good for one day, lad," he smiled.





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