A/N: Sorry this chapter took so long, but those who are members of my group, or who check my LJ know that I'm a muppet and had a car accident this week which caused a huge delay - sorry but it is quite long to make up.
Chapter 5
She looks at me completely dumbfounded by this turn of events. I sense there’s an internal battle going on there. Neither of us officially ended the game but I’m sure she thought that as we’d gotten to the heart of the matter and she’d taken, frankly quite a bit of punishment, that that would be it. She wants to ask what’s going on but despite the fact that she is obviously not feeling nearly as wretched as she was earlier, she doesn’t know what the rules are here.
“You don’t have to have permission to speak any more.” I tell her. “But I’d choose your words carefully if you do decide to speak. I’m still in control here and I don’t think we’re finished, so you’d better not piss me off Slayer.”
“Ok…..” she says after a brief pause for thought. “But I promise you Sp…Sir. I told you everything. And I was sincere when I thanked you. I feel a lot better and I’m confused as to what you want from me now.”
“Yes, Buffy it’s obvious that finally letting your feelings out has made you feel better. However, I want that feeling to last and for that to happen I need to find out exactly how deep those things go. You see I’m not entirely convinced that all of this won’t come back if we stop now. You said you trusted me so we’re going to get rid of all your little nasties together.”
“Yes Sir.” Is all she says as she arranges herself properly on her knees and drops her head. That’s a relief, I was geared up for an argument and having to exert more authority than that. Shouldn’t ever underestimate the power of the game.
“Good girl.” I praise, ruffling her hair as I walk past her.
I go back to the toy box. I quickly retrieve some items and walk back to stand in front of her. Her head stays bowed and she doesn’t show any outward reaction when I begin to lay my selection in front of her. First is a thin rattan cane, bent over at the top, just flexible enough to give a nice sting and it makes a delicious sound when it hits a naughty bottom. Next to it I place our usual riding crop, I know she has a hard time choosing which of these she hates the most. I have to stifle a laugh as I see her fighting the urge to throw her head back and groan ‘oh no!’ at the toys I’ve placed in front of her. Now that she’s in a tizzy about those I introduce something new, a single tailed whip that I haven’t yet had the pleasure of using on her. It’s not long enough or thick enough to fall into the bullwhip category and it splits into two wider leather strips just at the end, but is rather like a smaller sibling of it and it has a lovely wooden handle. She gulps when all three are laid out in front of her. I get a strong whiff of arousal and I know she knows what’s coming.
“It’s your choice.” I tell her. “But I should warn you that it’s not a simple choice. I want you to arrange them in order of preference. I’m not going to tell you where to put the least desired and where the most, or what your choice will mean in terms of the next step of our game. Just do it please.”
She stares at the three intently. I chose three rather severe implements on purpose. No soft leather floggers or little paddles here. Her choice is not designed to be easy. I think I can read her well enough to tell which of them engenders the most fear in her. This one I will put aside and it will only be used for a very specific purpose. She is not to know that though. The situation is still delicate and I want to maintain complete control without pushing her too far. The fact that she knows these are the three possibilities should make her docile enough. She seems to be having a hard time choosing so I decide to help, in my own wicked way.
“You seem to be having trouble there Slayer.” I observe. “Let me make the choice a little easier. Hold out your left hand and I will give you a taste of each.”
“Oh no Sir. That’s ok.” She says hurriedly. “I’m almost ready.”
“Are you contradicting me girl?” I say in steely tones.
“No, I wasn’t really I wasn’t it’s just it’s really not necessary. I can decide, I can.” She babbles.
“I will decide what is and isn’t necessary. Now hold out you hand and don’t move it an inch.”
She bites her lip, as if trying to hold her protests in, but obeys. It’s always hard on a submissive to be made instrumental in their own punishment, but it’s a game I love to play, it panics them so!
“These can be taken as punishment. One, for not immediately telling me what was wrong.” I swish the crop down on her hand, she grimaces but does not pull away.
“Two, for carrying this around for so long and not telling anyone.” The cane, bigger grimace but she still doesn’t move.
“And finally, for contradicting me just now.” Again she keeps her pain to herself as the whip lands, apart from the twinge in her face and I’m satisfied that after the cuddling and crying sub-space is re-established. Good.
She turns her attention back to the implements where I layed them as I finished with each one. Quickly she arranges them from left to right cane, crop, whip.
“Good girl.” I say gathering them up and take a hold on the leash she still has attached to her collar. When I jerk her to her feet by the leash she looks startled for a moment as if she forgot she was wearing it. However, she doesn’t protest just follows me meekly as I lead her downstairs. I feel tension on the leash and hear a stifled gasp as she sees that I have rigged manacles over a pipe in the ceiling. Just the right height that she won’t be completely suspended but little more than her toes will touch the ground. I’d been planning revenge of the sensual kind after our argument, but this has turned out so much better.
I tug her towards the manacles but I can feel her pulling back against me with every step. Glancing back I see that this isn’t really intentional on her part, she’s staring at the cuffs as if bewitched. I say her name once, harshly and her attention snaps back to me.
“Spike I don’t know, I don’t think….”
“No,” I tell her. “Don’t think, just do as I tell you. You’ll need to save your brain for the next part.”
“Yes Sir.” She says and allows me to pull her beneath the manacles and secure both hands high above her. I gloat a little to myself, I estimated the height just right. Her toes and just a tiny bit of the balls of her feet touch the ground, but her beautiful lean body is stretched taut and totally vulnerable to me.
I pick up the cane and start to slowly circle her, tapping it threateningly against my hand as I appraise her heavenly form. The first time I walk behind her she tries to twist in her chains to watch me but finds she is unable. However, I decide the movement she can make is more than I’d like. Quickly I bring two lengths of rope over and secure them round her ankles. Pulling her legs apart I stretch the rope backwards and tie it round the posts at the foot of the bed. She’s far enough away from the bed that I can walk around her, stepping over the ankle ropes and now she is open completely to me.
Her heartrate speeds up and I detect the definite aroma of arousal. Surprising even myself I suddenly reach out and strike the back of each thigh in turn with the cane. She gasps and jolts on the chains. I don’t intend this to be about her arousal just yet.
“Now, Buffy.” I begin “I am going to ask you some questions. You will answer quickly and truthfully. If you hesitate, or lie, or give me an answer I don’t like, you will feel the cane somewhere on your beautiful body. I advise you to answer as quick and as true as humanly possible because I shall not be holding back. Do you understand?”
“Yes Sir.” She answers, beginning to tremble a little.
“Ok now that I’ve got you all trussed up where I want you we will begin.” Her scent hits me again. I love it when her ‘kinky little bitch’ side makes itself known.
“Describe to me how you felt when you were in heaven.”
Her brow furrows in confusion, evidently this was not the kind of question she was expecting. My hand twitches ready to raise the cane to punish her hesitation. She reads me almost as well as I do her and immediately blurts out an answer.
“Nice. It was nice.”
I shake my head and click my tongue at her as I deliver a blow to her ass. She strains forward in her bindings, trying fruitlessly to escape the tingling, stinging burn elicited by the rod.
“Stand still,” I bark. “and answer me properly! I want a real description of how you felt.”
“I felt warm.” She answers, her voice shaking a little. “I was warm and comfortable and loved. I was so peaceful, there was no fighting, no violence, no responsibility. I was happy and safe. I knew that everything, everyone I loved would be ok in the end. Even if they had to fight suffer and die on earth they would be with me eventually and they would feel the peace and love, and once you feel it the earthly fighting and suffering doesn’t matter any more. It’s all washed away.”
Her chin is quivering now and she looks close to tears, remembering how wonderful it must have been. If I let myself, I would be sad that she will end up there again, one day and I won’t be with her. I’m certain that is not what awaits me when my dust finally blows in the wind.
“It’s ok to cry.” I tell her. “Just don’t expect that to get you out of this. We have work to do here. Now, describe what it was like before you died. How did you feel day-to-day?”
“Tired.” She says immediately. “I was tired so much of the time, it just didn’t stop. There was always something that needed to be slain. I felt dirty, from handling and killing evil night after night. I felt lost, I couldn’t cope with Dawn like mom did.”
“What else?” I ask her, sensing that there is more.
“I felt proud.” She lowers her head as she says this and the tears start flowing. “I knew that no matter how hard things were, I loved my sister and my friends and they loved me. I felt like my fighting was doing some good. We were making the world better. Although it was one vamp at a time it was still one less piece of evil in the world every time I dusted one.”
“And tell me again how you feel about this stuff now you are back.”
“Ashamed.” She says, which surprises me.
“Why?”
She doesn’t answer, just shakes her head as if she can’t find the words as silent tears leak from her eyes. I can’t cave now, we have so many issues to get through. I lift her chin on the tip of my cane and she looks at me without me asking.
“Why ashamed?” I ask.
This time when she hesitates I have to strike her, can’t let the rules go. I make it hard so that she knows she WILL talk to me, she will open up fully.
“Because I’m not proud any more. I don’t want to fight. I want to go back and I want to take my friends with me. It just goes on and on. The fighting and the killing and the pain, and now I know how to make it stop. I don’t care about the world any more, don’t care about doing the right thing, fighting the good fight. I don’t feel like the world is worth saving. And I can’t tell them. They wouldn’t understand, they’d think I was so ungrateful for all the trouble they went to to bring me back. So I have to keep on fighting and playing happy families. And I’m scared I can’t keep doing it Spike.”
“That’s Sir to you.” I say sternly giving her a tap with the cane. Can’t let her forget who’s in charge if I’m going to make her see sense. “Now, Buffy take a moment to think about your life before last summer, your life now and your ‘life’ in heaven. Which one do you think most people would choose?”
“But I’m not most people. I have a sacred duty. I……”
I slash the cane across the back of her right knee and she gasps and he sentence tails of. “Just answer the question I ask you.”
“They’d choose heaven. But…” she wisely stops as I raise my hand again, a look of warning in my eye.
“See, Slayer. If you just described that to someone the way you described it to me, there is no doubt they would choose heaven, and probably leave the conversation feeling a bit pissed off at whatever their lives held after the suggestion of such bliss. And to you it’s not just a suggestion. You’ve been there! You actually know just how wonderful it is. Then you’re wrenched back into this miserable plain. Is it any wonder you’re numb? You think there are many people who would have your strength? Who wouldn’t have just taken their life as soon as they could, to get back to that? Are you a bad person for needing time to adjust? You had the Slayer gig thrust upon you at such an young age. You were a child with adult responsibilities and that’s left you feeling responsible for everything, you shoulder responsibility because that’s all you know how to do. It makes you feel guilt for things that aren’t your fault. But you are not a bad person. When I explain it like that you must see. Does it make you a bad person Buffy?”
“But I’m the slayer. I should be able….”
Lash! “Answer the question. Does not immediately adjusting to the loss of heavenly bliss make you a bad person?”
“No.” she mumbles quietly
Lash! Across the buttocks. “Louder!”
“No!” she says louder.
Lash! Buttocks again. “No what?”
“No Sir. It doesn’t make me a bad person!” louder again.
Lash! “Good girl, now say it once more, let me hear that you believe it.”
“It doesn’t make me a bad person Sir!” she says loud and clear, the flow of tears abating a little. Oh how I wish this were the end of it but she told me much more upstairs. So many more things are fucking her up. I need to make sure this is embedded then we can move on.
“How did you feel when Willow crashed the car that night?”
“Angry.” She says gritting her teeth at the memory.
Lash! On her back.
“Fear!” she blurts out through the gasp caused by the last blow.
I tap the back of her legs this time. “What else?”
“H-hurt and guilt.” And here come the tears again, I’m thankful she’s coming with me on this I’d hate to have to lash her repeatedly and severely to get her to open up. I’d do it of course because we have to beat her demons but she seems to get this and it seems to be working. “I was hurt that she’d endanger Dawn, like that. So so worried about Dawn, and – and about Willow but I didn’t know it then. And I feel so guilty Spike. So guilty that I put Dawn in that situation by not noticing what was going on with Willow. By being so wrapped up in myself.”
“Stop right there!” I tell her. “We’ve already established that you are not a bad person for not being able to jump back into life, happy-go-lucky and smiling all over the place. What happened wasn’t your doing. Did you make Willow get addicted to dark magic?”
“Well it did start when she brought me back and maybe if I hadn’t been so….”
Lash! “Did you physically force Willow to get into that stuff?”
“Oww!!” she wails, that last one landing across two previous welts. “No I didn’t force her.”
“Whose fault was her addiction?”
“Willow’s”
“Is Willow an adult who can make her own decisions?”
“Yes.”
“Is it your fault?”
“No.”
“Say it.”
“It’s not my fault Sir.” She is, as always, a quick learner and says it loud and clear, avoiding another lash and an order to speak up.
“Good girl.” I praise. Moving in and running my hand over her cheek. “You can’t go on blaming yourself for everything.” I kiss the remnants of her latest tears from her cheeks. “Now, you’ve done so well up to now I think a reward is in order.”
I slide the cane between her pussy lips and apply a slight upwards pressure to her clit as I run it back and forth. She moans and tries ineffectually to move her hips.
“A-ah-ah pet.” I say. “You’re getting your reward but I’m in control of it, and you, don’t try to force it.”
“I’m sorry Sir.” She says her eyes meeting mine, glazed over with lust.
“Do you remember the last time I did this?” I ask her. “That first time we played and I fucked you hard from behind as I rubbed your needy little clit with the cane? It was bamboo that time wasn’t it? Nice big bulges in it to punish your clit and get you off. This ones smoother pet, but it will do the job. You want it don’t you? Even without my dick pounding your pussy your going to cum for me aren’t you? Just like last time.”
“Ohhh unnghh!” is her only answer as my reminder of our previous games no doubt sets off the most erotic imagery in her head.
“That’s it my little bitch” I whisper right in her ear. “Remember how hard I fucked you? How hard you came? Do it again for me. See what happens when you please me. You get this exquisite pleasure. You don’t need to wait for permission, luv. Cum when you’re ready. Cum for me.”
And she does. Her head is flung back between her upstretched arms as she keens and wails out her release. Her arms and legs strain at their bonds as the pleasure washes through her. God but she’s magnificent when she cums. I could make her do it all day just so I could watch. I can’t do that though I realise as she begins to come down. Her head now hanging limply downwards as she heaves in breaths as if she’s just been saved from drowning.
When her breathing is under control she looks at me expectantly and rattles the manacles. Oh my poor little Buffy she honestly thinks I’m going to let her down already?
“Oh no pet.” I tell her. “Consider that motivation if you like. Motivation to please me and answer my questions properly. We’re still a long way from finished. The quicker you please me though the sooner you’ll get more of that. Sooner I’ll let you down and fuck your brains out.”
Her breath catches as I finish speaking and her pupils dilate. Arousal shining from her like a beacon.
“Yes Sir.” She breathes out.
“Good. Then on we go. Now, we’ve established you take the blame for things that aren’t your fault. Let’s try a different conversation and see how well the lesson has sunk in. The man who died tonight.” She winces as I say it but I carry right on. “Who killed him?
“Me.” She says. Tears back again. God this is a rollercoaster of emotion for her but we have to address all of the things that are slowly killing her.
Lash
“Who killed him?”
“The vamp physically did it but if I…..”
Lash!
“Who killed him?”
“The vampire!” it comes out as a squeak as she sees me preparing for another stroke.
“Can you save every single person in danger from vampires?”
“I should be able to.” Her voice is laced with pain, tears falling again. “I should do my job…”
LASH! She’s getting too close to falling back into the ‘everything’s my fault’ state of mind. I knew this would be a tough one, knew she’d feel she had actual reason to blame herself. Slaying and protecting are her job after all. It’s been drummed into her since she was 15.
“Did you kill the vampire that did it?”
“Yes, but he’d already….”
Lash
“Did you kill the vampire?”
“Yes.”
“Can you save everyone?”
“No.”
“Do you care that you can’t save them all?”
“Yes, always. But tonight, I was right there and I………..”
LASH
“For all you know they could have had fifty mates waiting round the corner. You couldn’t have fought all of them. You said it yourself, you have to go one at a time. For all you know the vamps mate might have gotten him while you were busy fighting. It’s not the first time a vamp has gotten to someone before you could stop them. The very fact that that tears you up so much proves that you’re not this evil bad person you seem to want to paint yourself as. You can’t save them all. Say it for me Buffy.”
“I can’t save them all.” She mumbles, head down.
“Come on Buffy!” I yell at her. “You know that isn’t nearly good enough!” I strike her once with each word as I continue. “Say. It. Louder!”
“I can’t save them all.” It’s louder, but not loud enough I’m afraid. I grimace as I raise the cane again her buttocks thighs and back are starting to look very sore but I can see that the earliest stripes are already fading. I land one on the front of her thigh however and she gasps at the unexpected pain in a new area.
“Like you mean it.” I command.
“I CAN’T SAVE THEM ALL!” she yells. That’s my little spitfire, that’s the strength of feeling I was looking for.
“You’ve saved thousands of lives. Say it.”
“I’ve saved thousands of lives!”
“You’ve given up your life twice. Say it.”
“I’ve done my duty and given up my life twice!”
I can’t help a grin at her adding a bit. Apparently her cheeky little bint is coming through. She knows I want her just to repeat what I have said. I don’t punish her for it though. I’m glad to see a bit of spirit back in her.
“You’re entitled to bow under the pressure of it once in a while.”
She hesitates but only a little. “I’m entitled to bow under the pressure once in a while. As long as it’s not too often.”
This time the addition earns her a slap from my hand on her sore butt. I look at her face and am amazed when she sticks her tongue out at me. She amazes me by her ability to bounce back. However, I’m not entirely fooled. She’s been through too many emotions in too short a period of time for this to be genuine playfulness. For everything to suddenly feel alright to her. We also have some other issues to get to.
“Put it away pet!” I tell her. “We’ll find plenty of use for that again later. Now, I was going to give you a reward but I do believe you are pushing for more punishment. Want a taste of the crop luv? Is that it?”
“Sir, no Sir!” she says in the manner of a recruit answering a drill sergeant and now I know she’s covering. She is not that fine at all.
“Do you think we’re playing here Buffy?” I say in icy tones. “This isn’t a game. Need I remind you why you are here?”
“No Sir.” She answers quietly. Her head dropping and tears beginning to fall. The change is so dramatic and quick that I worry for a second. Emotionally she’s all over the place, maybe I shouldn’t have reminded her of everything that has gone before like that.
“I’m sorry Sir. It’s just you really made me feel better for a moment. I got carried away. It won’t happen again. And obviously I’ll take whatever punishment you see fit to give me for being so insolent.”
“Buffy, if I let you down, do you promise to be good and do as I say?”
“Yes Sir. Of course Sir. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry but please don’t doubt that I’ll do what you say though.” Bloody hell, she’s sobbing now!
I move quickly, untie her legs and release her from the manacles. Her knees buckle as her weight is released and I have to catch her with an arm around her waist. My heart sinks for the thousandth time tonight when she pulls straight out of my arms and drops to her knees sobbing. I didn’t even get a chance to massage some blood back into her undoubtedly aching limbs. I crouch down to her and wrap my arms around her sobbing form.
“Oh please, please don’t comfort me. I don’t deserve it. And please don’t think what you just did didn’t work. You did help me Spike. I get it. I can’t take responsibility for everything and I’m not completely a cold unfeeling bitch. You showed me how I cared for Willow and Dawn even when I was so angry. How I care for the people I can’t save. But that wasn’t everything was it Spike? It doesn’t make this, with you right does it?”
The bottom drops out of my world. What do I say to that?
TBC……….. Subject to interest.
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