Buffy couldn’t move. Sitting there anchored to the floor wishing she would just wake up from this nightmare. Hearing the couple walk upstairs was almost unbearable. She could no longer deny her feelings. This was not just sex to her. Somewhere along the line she had fallen for Spike and this was her karmic retribution. Buffy couldn’t believe how gullible she was. She actually believed her cared for her.
God how stupid and naive can I be? she thought as fresh tears fell from her eyes. He had told her he didn’t believe in happily ever after, he didn’t even believe in love. All she was to him was a fuck. If there were ever any doubts about that there weren’t now. Buffy finally managed to drag herself off the floor and climb into bed.
********************
Lying in bed staring up at the ceiling, Spike’s emotions were in turmoil. Rolling over he noticed the empty condom wrapper on the bedside table and felt the bile rising in his throat. How fucked up am I that I feel guilty for fucking my own wife? Guilt was not a familiar sentiment for Spike. For so many years he had lived for himself, without repentance. Life had been uncomplicated, comfortable…empty. The thought of Buffy down stairs feeling hurt and alone, because he was more concerned with covering his ass than her feelings, tormented him. He had to make this right, but how? Once again he was faced to the unavoidable truth…he had nothing to offer her.
After a long sleepless night, Spike climbed out of bed and headed for the shower. The sun had yet to come up, but he had to talk to Buffy even though he still had no idea what he could say. More than anything he just needed to see her, hold her, know that she was alright.
Making his way down the stairs, Spike warily approached Buffy’s bedroom. He softly knocked at the door, there was no answer. Letting out a sigh, he quietly slipped inside. As he moved closer his fingers itched to reach out and touch her. Kneeling beside the bed, he ran his fingers lightly through her hair. “Buffy” he whispered.
Her eyes slowly opened and for a brief second Spike thought everything was okay, until she bolted up roughly shoving his hand away. “What…what are you doing in here?” she asked, backing away from him.
“Buffy…” Spike started.
“No” she whispered, holding her hand up as she started to sob “Don’t say anything… I…I can’t do this anymore.”
His chest tightened when a tear rolled down her face. “Buffy I’m so sorry…I never meant…”
“Never meant to what? Lead me on? You didn’t, you told me from the beginning it was just sex. God I’m so stupid! I wish I could just take it all back.” she whimpered burying her face in her hands.
Spike felt like he had been slapped. He felt tears stinging his eyes as he closed the distance between them wrapping his arms around her. “Buffy, please don’t say that. Please don’t even think that.”
Buffy leaned into him for a brief second then backed off the bed, her tearful eyes burning into his soul. “Get out! Leave me alone. It’s over Spike…you will have to go find another…fuck toy.”
He sat on the bed panting, trying desperately to think of anything he could say or do to make her stop looking at him with such disgust. “Kitten…”
Buffy closed her eyes taking a ragged breath “Don’t call me that! Go upstairs and fuck your wife again because there is nothing here for you.”
“Buffy please just listen for one minute…” Spike begged approaching her.
“I mean it Spike, if you don’t leave right now I will scream loud enough to wake Cordelia up” Buffy warned.
Spike hung his head and nodded. “I’ll go” he croaked defeated as he turned and walked out the door. He made his way down to the basement and collapsed on his bed. Closing his eyes, tears started to fall as he remembered the previous day when she was lying here with him, smiling and laughing. He reached for the pillow and breathed in her scent. It smelled of her vanilla lotion and perfume. The fear of never again breathing in her scent, never feeling the softness of her skin overwhelmed him.
God what is happening to me? This was the inevitable outcome wasn’t it? When summer was over she would go back to her life, her friends and he would be here with Cordelia, living the life he had chosen so many years ago.
Why is it that life suddenly didn’t feel like enough for him? He had to do something…he just didn’t know what yet.
********************
It was after noon when Buffy finally emerged from her room. As she walked into the kitchen Jenny greeted her with a bright smile “Good morning!” Buffy just nodded.
“I was going to ask you how dinner went the other night, but I think those answer my question.” Jenny said gesturing to a large flower arrangement on the bar. Buffy’s eye’s immediately brightened. With the exception of a corsage at prom, Buffy had never been given flowers before.
“Wow Giles must be in big trouble” Anya commented walking into the kitchen.
“Trouble?” Jenny asked “Why do you say that?”
“Because of the flowers.”
“Actually they are mine” Buffy said proudly
“Oh” Anya furrowed her brow “Well that is a serious statement for someone you just met.”
“What do you mean?” Buffy asked.
“Well each flower has a meaning. See the lavender ones they are called Hyacinth, they mean I’m sorry. The small white ones are called Primrose, they mean I can’t live without you and the larger pink ones are Camellia, they mean longing for you. So, either Riley really has it bad for you, or… did you get in a fight?”
“How do you know all this?” Buffy asked grabbing the card off the top of the bouquet, completely ignoring Anya’s question.
“My uncle is a florist, I used to help him, in his shop during the summer.” Anya answered matter-of-factly.
Buffy ripped open the card. It only had two words on it “Forgive Me” Spike she knew immediately. “They aren’t from Riley” she muttered absentmindedly.
“Then who are they from?” Jenny asked. Buffy’s head snapped up when she realized both Anya and Jenny had heard her. “Oh…they are from…my ex…Angel” Buffy stammered.
“Wow, well your ex spent a bundle on those flowers, I’d say he is a keeper” Anya gushed.
Buffy picked up the flowers, walked across the kitchen and threw them in the trash can. “He was never mine to begin with.” she whispered walking back to her room leaving a stunned Anya and Jenny staring at her.
********************
Spike knew it was getting late. Pretty soon the bar would be closing and he would have to find somewhere else to drink. He couldn’t go home, not after seeing the flowers he had sent Buffy sitting in the trash. He had lost her. She hated him and he couldn’t say he blamed her. I’m so fucking pathetic he thought to himself. In a matter of weeks he had become obsessed with the blond teenager. Everything about her excited him, her radiant smile…her beautiful eyes…her perfect breasts…her tight little pussy that fit him like a glove. He was rock hard just thinking about her. He threw some money on the table and stumbled out of the bar.
********************
For the next two days Buffy barely left her room. By the time Friday arrived she was getting a serious case of cabin fever. Walking out of her room she heard Cordelia talking to Jenny “He hasn’t been home in two fucking days. He wont even answer his cell phone.” Cordelia spat.
“Do you think we should call the police?” Jenny asked sounding concerned.
“What? No, he is probably passed out in some whore’s bed” Cordelia sneered.
When Buffy heard them talking her heart sped up. They were talking about Spike. He was missing? Was he okay? What if Cordelia was right? Had he already replaced her with someone else? Buffy’s head was spinning and she needed to get away from the mansion for a while.
By the time Willow and Oz dropped her off at the mansion it was after midnight. Buffy was happy they had decided to go to a movie because she has been distracted all night worrying about Spike. When she opened the door to her room there was no doubt in her mind he had been home.
The entire room was filled with candles and flowers. The light from the candles illuminated the whole room. On the center of the bed were three large teddy bears and a small envelope. Her stomach was fluttering and she couldn’t help but smile. She couldn’t stop her hands from trembling as she reached for the envelope and opened it.
OuT of the dusk a shadow,
Then, a spark;
Out of the cloud a silence,
Then, a lark;
Out of the heart a rapture,
Then, a pain;
Out of the dead, cold ashes,
Life again.
It was a poem. Buffy read the poem over and over again. Why was he doing this? What does it mean? She wanted to go to him, ask him all the questions going through her head, but she was too afraid to. Not of Spike, but of herself. Buffy laid down on the bed hugging the largest teddy bear, studying the piece of paper in her hands as tears rolled down her face.
Spike had heard Buffy come home. He paced back and forth running a hand through his hair, chain smoking. At about three o’clock in the morning he could no longer wait. He walked upstairs and stood outside of her door, heart pounding too terrified to move. Finally he let out a long slow breath and opened the door. The room was as he had left it, except for Buffy’s sleeping form in the middle of the bed. Her body was coiled around the large stuffed bear and in her hand was the poem. Spike could see the tear tracks down her face. She looked so young, so innocent…which she had been before she met him. At that moment there was no doubt in his mind that he was a monster. “I’m so sorry” he whispered before turning and walking out of the room.
********************
Buffy was awakened by the smell of bacon and her grumbling stomach. She tried to ignore her hunger, but she had eaten very little the past couple days. Finally giving in she crawled out of bed. After a quick shower she made her way into the kitchen where she was greeted by Xander. “Morning Buffster” Xander smiled.
“Hi” she said reaching for a plate.
“Do you want me to cook you some eggs dear?” Jenny asked walking in the kitchen.
“Would you mind?” Buffy asked sheepishly.
“Not at all go have a seat.” The brunette smiled.
Buffy walked around the bar and sat next to Xander. “Riley leaves today” he smiled looking at her.
“Oh yeah, that’s right. I should probably call him.” Buffy muttered.
“He’s coming by here later so you can just say goodbye then.” Xander offered.
“Who is coming by the house later?” Cordelia asked walking in the kitchen.
“Riley is coming over to say goodbye to Buffy” Xander explained.
Buffy could feel Cordelia’s eyes on her, remembering her words from the other night, she couldn’t bring herself to look at her. “So has anyone heard any word from my husband?” Cordelia asked still looking at her. Buffy started to shift uncomfortably in her chair, thankful when Xander spoke up “Yeah his car is parked in the middle of the grass, I think he drove over the mailbox.” Xander chuckled.
Cordelia huffed obviously angered by his revelation. “Xander are you almost done? I need to get to the gallery”
After breakfast Buffy sat out by the pool, unable to stop thinking about Spike. She had so many questions. It didn’t make it any easier that everywhere she turned she was reminded of him. She just couldn’t understand how he could be so tender and affectionate, and then just turn it off. It was as if he would intentionally draw her in, just to push her back out.
The longer she thought about it, the angrier she became. Finally unable to suppress the growing rage inside of her, she got up and tread into the house. Padding her bare feet down the steps she barged in Spike’s bedroom door “Just how stupid do you think I am?”
Spike just sat there at his jaw open unable to speak. Buffy had burst into his room clad in a skimpy red bikini, eyes on fire, hair wind blown. He opened and closed his mouth but nothing would come out. “Well?” she demanded.
“B…Buffy…” he stuttered standing and walking around the desk to face her.
“I mean I know I’m young, but if you think you can just buy me some flowers and copy some words out of some book and I’ll just…”
“They weren’t from a book” Spike breathed.
Buffy stopped mid rant “Huh?”
Spike smiled sadly “I said I didn’t copy it out of a book. I wrote it.”
Buffy was floored “What does that mean?” she whispered.
“It means…” Spike sighed could he do this? Should he? “It means for a long time I have felt empty and you…make me feel alive.”
Buffy looked at him bewildered. She slowly approached. “What does that mean Spike?”
“It means I’ve been going crazy thinking you would never speak to me again.” he sighed.
“I’m talking to you now.” Buffy shrugged.
“Buffy just tell me how to make things right. I didn’t mean to agree with Cordelia on anything, but what could I do? She was already suspicious.” Spike said grabbing her hands.
Buffy snatched them away “And of course you had to run upstairs and fuck her too!”
Spike closed his eyes “You think I wouldn’t have rather stayed there with you? I didn’t even want to be with her.”
“Oh you poor thing, let me guess you did it for me.” Buffy spat.
“No I did it to cover my ass. I’m a selfish, rotten bastard who is begging for a chance to make it up to you.”
“But how?” Buffy sobbed.
“I’ll do anything Buffy just tell me what you want” Spike knew he sounded desperate, but at that moment he didn’t care.
“I want you to leave her” Buffy said before she could stop herself.
Spike was stunned “Kitten if I did I wouldn’t be living here anymore. How would I even see you?”
Buffy knew he was right but the thought of him being with Cordy made her stomach turn “Well…tell her you don’t want to work things out. Tell her you want to go back to living separate lives. Tell her whatever you have to so she keeps her paws off you” Buffy pouted.
Spike brought his hands up to her face “I will talk to her. I’ll figure something out, but that still wont change the fact that we have to keep this a secret. I still could go to jail if anyone found out.”
Buffy looked up at him with tears in her eyes “I just want to know this is real…”
“It’s real” Spike rasped. He wanted so badly to kiss her, but he didn’t want to push it. Releasing her face he ran a nervous hand through his curls.
“Are you going to stay here while Cordy is gone?” He asked.
“Gone?” Buffy looked up at him.
“I guess she must have forgotten to mention it. She is going to L.A. for five days. I didn’t know if you would want to stay here or not.”
“What about Giles and Jenny?” Buffy asked.
“I told them they could take some time off” Spike confessed.
“Oh, so it would just be us?” Buffy said.
Spike’s lip twitched slightly up “Yeah, I would really like it if you stayed.” his voice was low and seductive.
Buffy felt her resolve slip “I…a…will have to think it over. I have a lot to think about. I’m going to go grab a shower” Buffy said hurrying out and up the stairs.
Yeah me too… a cold one Spike thought as he watched her walk away.
AN* Please leave a review. I promise things will get better next chapter!!!
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks again for everyone who reviewed I hope you can handle things getting worse before they get better. Please review and let me know your thoughts. Thanks as always to my beta Ashley who is the best!! The poem in this chapter is Evolution by John Bannister Tabb.