Spike gestured to the bartender to bring him another drink. He wasn’t sure how many he had or how long he had been sitting there. He wasn’t even sure what day it was. Time had no meaning.
The days had turned into weeks and still the pain remained. His eyes drifted to the crumpled picture he held clutched in his hand. Even as much as it pained it to look at it, he couldn’t bring himself throw it away. It was a constant reminder of the light that had been extinguished from his soul.
As the bartender placed another double in front of him, Spike knew he had not yet had enough to drink. He didn’t want to take the chance of his dreams returning.
His dreams were always the same. Every night he saved her. He was back in his room the night of her birthday. In his dreams Spike would sweep her away from all the pain; the pain he had caused. Holding her in his arms, he would whisper words of love and comfort.
The world was a wonderful place when he slept. Everyone openly accepted their love. Spike was a good man in his dreams. He was the kind of man who was worthy of her love.
Spike’s dreams haunted him, because every morning, Buffy was once again wrenched from his arms. Every morning he woke alone and the crippling pain would surface once again.
This is when he would start to drink. As he tried desperately to numb the overwhelming ache, his pain would inevitably turn to anger…angry at himself for hurting her and angry at the world simply for existing.
Sometimes the fights would help. Other nights he would simply stop fighting and take the beating. Spike would close his eyes feeling the blows decending on his face and body as if it were offering him some kind of absolution.
Tonight he simply sat at the bar exhausted, his battered face full of remorse and despair, clutching the crumpled photo as if it were his lifeline.
“Is that your girlfriend?” Spike heard a soft voice ask from beside him.
Spike turned and looked at the stranger ready to tell her to sod off. The woman seated beside him met his glare with a warm smile and the kindest eyes he had ever seen.
“Was…not anymore” Spike answered turning back toward his drink.
“I’m sorry. She is very pretty.” The stranger offered.
Spike turned to her and sighed “Look you seem real nice and all, but I ain’ in the mood to talk.”
Her smile faded slightly “I’m not trying to pry or anything…I’m just here waiting for my date and you kind of looked like you could use a friend.”
Spike snorted “Doubt I’d be much company right now, but suit yourself.”
Scooting her chair in the blond turned toward Spike.
“So…what happened…with your girlfriend?”
“You’re a pushy little bint aren’t you?” Spike commented finishing his drink.
The woman smiled offering her hand “I’m Tara McClay.”
“Spike”
“Well Spike, You never answered the question, what happened?” Tara asked.
“Don’t matter now, what‘s done is done” Spike answered skimming his fingers over the wrinkled picture.
“I take it you didn‘t want to break up,” Tara replied.
“Yes…no…look it’s…complicated” Spike answered slightly annoyed.
“It usually is,” the blond smiled.
“I’m married,” Spike muttered waving the bartender over for another drink.
“Oh” Tara replied clearly surprised.
“I mean it’s not like a real marriage. We just ‘ave an…arrangement of sorts. It ain‘t about love for either one of us.” Spike suddenly felt the need to explain his statement.
“That’s kind of…sad.” Tara furrowed her brow, then continued “So the girl in the picture…”
“Buffy” Spike corrected.
Tara smiled “So if you love Buffy…why are you married to someone else?”
“I told you it’s not that simple. I…hurt her.” Spike whispered choking back a sob.
“How?” Tara asked softly patting his arm.
“I told her I don’t love her.”
“Ouch…that had to hurt. Why did you tell her that when clearly it isn’t true?” She asked her tone almost stern.
“She is better off without me.” Spike answered simply.
“Don’t you think that is her decision to make?”
Spike turned in his chair, clenching his jaw “We just can’t be together anyway.”
“Because you’re married? Spike you change that…”
“She is seventeen.” Spike confessed.
“Oh!” Tara said her eyes widening “Wow you weren’t kidding about this being complicated were you?”
“Yeah” Spike chuckled, but his laugh was hopeless and hallow.
“Does she love you?” Tara asked.
“Yeah” Spike croaked closing his eyes tightly willing the tears away.
“Spike I’m not in any way condoning a relationship with a seventeen year old…” Tara hesitated sighing “…but I know you can’t control who you fall in love with. I think Buffy deserves to know the truth about your feeling.”
“What difference does it make?” Spike breathed burying his face in his hands.
“Spike for one thing it had to hurt her deeply thinking her feelings were not reciprocated. Plus…I can’t believe I’m saying this, but she won’t be seventeen forever. Maybe if you were honest about your feelings now, it could help build a bridge to the future. I mean if you really love her, tell her. Give her some time to grow up and you can make those changes in your life to be what she deserves.”
“I don’t know.” Spike whispered.
“Spike don’t wait too long to tell her the truth.”
Spike saw an attractive woman walk up behind Tara.
“Hi sweetie sorry I’m late.” The woman said giving Tara a chaste kiss on the lips.
“That’s okay, Spike here was keeping me company. Spike this is my girlfriend, Amy. Amy this is Spike.”
Spike smiled shaking the woman’s hand.
Tara stood up pulling a card from her pocket.
“This is my number, if you ever need anything…call me.” Tara smiled handing him the card.
Spike read the card Tara McClay, Psychologist. He chuckled tucking it in his pocket.
“Thanks pet, I just might do that.”
********************
Driving up the long driveway, Spike couldn’t help feeling a sense of dread wash over him. He had not been back to the mansion since the night of the party. And aside from a few short, phone arguments with his wife, no one had even heard from him. Everything there reminded him too much of Buffy.
Cordelia was lounging by the pool when he arrived. She peered up at him over her sunglasses.
“Look what the cat dragged in.” She scowled.
Spike sighed sitting down on the chaise beside her. “Cordelia I didn’t come here to fight with you.”
Cordelia huffed sitting up. “Oh you come strolling in after five weeks and don’t expect a fight? You must…”
“I want a divorce.” Spike told her.
Cordelia looked at him shocked. “No” She said laying back down on her chaise.
“I’m not asking Cordelia. I’m going to file papers today.” He sighed.
Cordelia bolted up “You hired a lawyer?” She snapped.
“No… I don’t want anything. I will just keep my parents place in England. Everything here is yours.”
“Damn straight it is!” She exclaimed jumping up from her chair. “I hope you’ve thought long and hard about this Spike. I hope you’re ready for the fight of your life.”
“There is no fight Cordelia. I don’t want the money, the house…nothing.”
Cordelia began to pace. Spike could tell she was furious. “Oh yeah and where do you think you are going to work? A drunk, has been photographer like you! By the time I’m done with you…”
Spike closed the distance between them trying to control his mounting anger. “No need to worry, I won’t be doing that anymore! I don’t need your money or your daddy’s connections. I just want out!”
Cordelia laughed. The sound of her cruel laughter sent a cold chill down Spike’s spine.
“Who is she?” Cordelia smirked.
Spike’s eyes widened. He knew she could not find out about Buffy. Even though they were over, he knew his wife well enough to know how vindictive she could be.
“I’m not with anyone else. I have been staying by myself at a hotel. This is about our marriage being over. Hell it should have never even began.”
“I will find out Spike…”
Spike grabbed her arms and pulled her so that her face was only inches from his. “I’m tired of your fucking threats Cordy! You will stay out of my life! You seem to forget that I have been around this family long enough to know all of your daddy’s dirty little secrets. You don’t want to fuck with me! I could make this very messy.”
Wrenching herself from his grasp Cordelia narrowed her eyes at him. She wanted to argue, but she knew he was right. He did know all of the Chase family secrets.
“Fine! But let me file the papers and don’t date until the divorce is final. I won‘t be embarrassed” Cordelia huffed.
Spike snorted, the idea of being with someone was so far from his mind it was laughable, but he let her have this small victory.
“Yeah…fine” He shrugged walking away.
Cordelia watched him go, seething with anger. This isn’t over Spike, not by a long shot.
********************
Buffy waved off her friends, deciding instead to walk the short distance home. The weeks since her birthday had been arduous. She had barely left her room the entire first two weeks.
Her mother had practically gone out of her mind with worry, until Faith had once again saved the day. Knowing the truth, Faith had told her mom that she had introduced Buffy to a boy over the summer and it had ended badly. When asked why Buffy didn’t confide in her about the boy, the always ready Faith informed her mother it was because the boy was eighteen and Buffy was scared her mother wouldn’t approve.
Buffy sighed walking up her driveway and into her house. She thought starting back to school would be a welcome distraction; instead it had only made things worse. Everything that she had once thought was so important now seemed so pointless.
Angel had been endlessly perusing her, which seemed to do nothing but annoy her. Dating any of the boys at school held no interest for Buffy. She knew her heart belonged to another and even though he didn’t return her feelings, it didn’t change hers.
She loved Spike. Every night she dreamed of him. In her dreams he would come and whisk her away, telling her he was wrong and couldn’t live without her.
Buffy was pulled out of her thoughts by a knock at the door. Opening the door she was greeted by Angel’s smiling face.
“What is it Angel?” Buffy asked rolling her eye.
“Hey Buff, I was wondering if you wanted to go to The Bronze tonight?” He asked grinning at her.
Buffy sighed, she knew her mother was working late tonight, but had no intentions of letting Angel know that.
“Sorry Angel, I’m uh…having dinner with my mom tonight. You know she still feels bad for being gone all summer.” She lied.
“Oh” Angel said disappointed, “Well if you change your mind give me a call.”
“Okay…but uh I’ve got to get some homework done. Bye.” Buffy smiled closing the door.
Why can’t he just be enough anymore? she sobbed. Buffy slid down the door trying to, once again, will the pain away. She was startled by another knock at the door.
She stood up annoyed swinging open the door.
“Listen Angel I told you…” Buffy stopped cold when she saw it wasn’t Angel.
“Hi Buffy”
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Because of TSR recent problems I had a queston about where else I post this story. I always post first to my Live Journal, but I also post at all the usual Spuffy sites. A huge thanks to Ashley for the major tweeking she helped with on this chapter!.