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Author's Chapter Notes:
Another chapter for you all as a way of saying thanks for coming back and reading and leaving such supportive reviews. Also my way of showing you that will be posting regularly ie once a week .
Enjoy
10 years ago...

“Spike its Angel sorry I didn’t get to see you before you left for home. I am sorry about your mom give me a call when you get a chance.”

“I’m sorry,” Buffy whispered into Spikes ear as they lay side by side..

They were both coming down from their mutual highs. He was busy enjoying the afterglow when reality came crashing in.

“Buffy I thought this was something you wanted…” Spike started to get out of the bed. This was bad he hadn’t wanted to take advantage of her. She kissed him he asked her she said yes called his name as she came. God he didn’t …..

“Spike stop it.” He looked down with out realising it he had scrambled out of bed and looking for his clothes.

Buffy’s hand on his arm stopped him.

“Don’t wig on me,” she pulled him back down onto the bed.“I did, I mean, I liked it.”

Did she even know how beautiful she was? Even when she was turning red with embarrassment she looked radiant. He took her in his arms and kissed her. He laid her back onto the bed and smiled to himself as she moaned into his mouth.

“I knew, I knew the only thing better than fighting with you would be….” He could see the moment that the reality of the situation dawned on her. She pushed him off her

“Spike don’t try and cheapen this,” She sat up “I am sorry about your mom,” and he stopped as though he had been doused with cold water.

“Yeah my mom,” his tears came unbidden.

The grief gripped his heart all over again. The grief that had sent him running into Buffy’s bed. He had forgotten all about his mom. Way to go if there was an award for asshole of the year he was a front runner for it. She was the reason they were in bed together.

Her hands on his face wiping away the tears took him by surprise. Oh hell, what about tonight hadn’t taken him by surprise?

“It’s ok Spike you can let it go,”

He cried and Buffy provided the comfort again. She took him in her arms and held him. Not saying a word, not having to.

“Why are you doing this Buffy?” He needed to know. Was this some kind of sick and twisted joke that she would use against him later?

“I honestly don’t know Spike.” He could see the confusion play on her face. “I don’t usually hop into bed with every guy I see.”

She bit her bottom lip and god how he wanted to take that lip into his mouth.

“Me neither love,” he replied, half surprised at himself that he could still joke in the midst of everything going on.

She giggled as it dawned on him what he had really said. “You know I always wondered about you and Angel,”

“Oi I resent that. We are just good friends” he ran his hand along her cheek “Anyway now you know for sure,”

But they didn’t know. Spike had never been so unsure of everything in his whole life. One minute he had a family and was looking forward to celebrating Christmas with his best friend and his family. Then in the blink of an eye it all changed. His family had gone and he had sought comfort in the arms of the last person he’d have expected to give it to him.

Buffy.

Fearing he would break the spell that was dancing between them, he had to know, had to ask.

“What is this Buffy? What is happening here?”

Her response could not have surprised him more than the fact that they were already in bed together. He had expected her to flee virtue all aflutter but then…

She leaned in and kissed him, fuelling the desire again.

“All I know is that I want it to happen again,” Buffy whispered.

Her words took a moment to register. He had a choice. He could have stopped it all then, but he didn’t want to. He could think of nothing more he wanted to do than to take Buffy in his arms and find the comfort in her body once again. He knew it was the most complicated option but in that moment as he wound his hands in her hair and pulled her in for a searing kiss. It seemed like the simplest thing in the world to do.

“So do I Buffy, so do I,”

*****

He wanted to stay.

That was something that he had wanted to tell Buffy in the days, months and years that followed, as he lay there that morning in her arms watching her sleep.

He never wanted to leave.

Spike had never meant for it to happen and at the same time he didn’t regret it either. The sex was a surprise to him yet at the same time he felt as though a missing piece had been put back inside of him. If he was being honest with himself he had always wondered whilst they were fighting whether she had as much passion and exuberance for all of her other actions as well.

And now he knew.

More intimately than anyone else. How her skin felt against his. The swell of her breast in his hand. The sound of her moans in his ears. The look of desire and completion in her eyes as she came. He knew where she lived now, He’d tasted it and he never wanted to let it go. However he also lived in the real world. He knew how this was going to end.

Badly.

He and Buffy never saw eye to eye on anything half the time they argued for the sport of it but somehow he knew that this argument would not be that way. He didn’t want to fight. He had enough drama waiting for him in England. His mother, he had to go back and sort out all that mess. He didn’t want to make another one here. He took a moment to snuggle down into the covers savouring the feel of her body against his. She sighed and he could not help but smile and wonder if he stayed would she want him to stay forever because now in this moment.

He never wanted to leave.
~~
Buffy awoke the next morning wondering if last night had been a dream or a nightmare. Spike’s mom had passed away and Spike…..

She reached out for him but her hand only felt her cold sheets. Sure she hadn’t expected him to be all flowers and sonnets but she thought he would at least leave a note.

She was broken from her thoughts by Angel storming into her room and for an instant she was glad that --

“Spikes gone,” Angel announced as Buffy sat up in bed trying to look like she had not had sex the night before.

“Oh, maybe he is in the shower?” but the knot in her stomach and the cold sheets beside her, knew better.

“No I am telling you he’s gone. He left a note this morning, gone back to England, his mom--”

“Died,” Buffy finished his sentence.

“How did you? Did you talk to him before he left?”

Buffy closed her eyes and bit back the tears that were forming.

“No. No, I didn’t”





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