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“Sorry I can’t come to the phone right now leave a message after the beep”

“Buffy, I…” Spike searched for the words. Words he should have spoken all those years before.

“Don’t Spike. Just leave it, okay?” She gathered her bag and started to put on her coat.

“I owe you an explanation,” he ran his hands through his hair wondering where he would begin.

“No, you owe me nothing, Spike. I don’t want to talk about this. I don’t want to talk, period.”

She really didn’t want to hear it. She had worked very hard to put it all behind her. Made her own reasons why it happened and was happy with them. She didn’t need to hear it from Spike and have him mess it all up with annoying things like the truth.

“Buffy, listen, I know you’re angry at me, what I did was wrong.”

See, that’s what she didn’t want to hear. She had figured, at the time, she had done the wrong thing and Spike had regretted it. So did she, of course. I mean, if she didn’t regret it, what was she left with?

“Oh,” she tried not to voice the disappointment she felt.

“No, not the sex, just well, yes the sex, in a way. I wanted to sleep with you. no question, but I should’ve been stronger and not given into what I wanted.”

“You wanted me?” She had often wondered if it was her or the comfort she offered that had led them into bed that night. She wanted to be more than a warm body to him.

“Of course I did Buffy, what we did, what you gave me even for the briefest moment, helped me more than you could ever know.” He hoped she could hear the truth in his words.

Watching the pain flash across Buffy’s face made him feel like the world’s biggest prick. He hadn’t meant to hurt her. For all the fighting and annoying they had shared, he had never wanted to hurt her.

But he had.

Looking at Spike, Buffy knew it was time, time for some closure. At first, she figured it was Spike’s fault that he left, easier to blame him than look at herself. But after Riley had left too, she had started to think that maybe she was doing something to make them leave

“Why didn’t you call me?” Buffy asked, not quite able to look him in the eye.

A good question, one that Spike knew had more than one answer. When he stopped to analyse what had been shared between the two of them, the question of why he had run from it always weighed on him heavily.

“And say what? I wanted to call, but when I got back to London, I had so much I had to organise. It was all a whirlwind. The funeral, meeting relatives I never knew existed. It never stopped. By the time it all passed I thought it was too late to call. Better to leave things as they were.” He looked sincere. He looked like the boy he was all those years previous.

“I guess it was for the best.” It was, she knew it was for the best. She was far more comfortable fighting with him than … not fighting.

“When I got back to the States, I wanted to call but Angel said you were doing so well and excited about going to college. I didn’t want to upset it all again.”

He knew coming back into her life would lead to badness and he didn’t want that for her. She deserved so much better, better than him and certainly better than Riley.

“Well it’s not like I’m going to tell my brother my deepest darkest feelings over sleeping with his best friend,” she tried to laugh but it didn’t come. There was no making light of what they had shared.

“You had feelings?” He couldn’t hide his shock. He just assumed that she had written him off as an arsehole and not looked back.

“Yes, Spike, I had feelings. God, what kind of bitch do you think I am?” He was impossible. What had she done to make him think she was made of stone?

“No, I just meant feelings for me? Besides that night, all we have ever done is fight, then and since.” He dared not contemplate the full implications of her statement.

“I just meant, it was all new for me. I didn’t know what to do or say and what it all meant for us. It would have been nice to at least have a goodbye from you.”

All new? What did she mean by that? She didn’t mean…? Shit, he thought, he really was a git. He had been her first. The first to make love to her and the first to ditch her without so much as a goodbye

“I’m sorry, Buffy. I…I didn’t realise ,” the apology seemed feeble even to his own ears.

“Well, it’s not the kind of thing you advertise,” Buffy mumbled. She couldn’t believe she had let that slip.

“If I could do it over again, I’d have done things differently.” He meant it, more than he had meant anything he had ever said to her. Looking at her now, seeing the pain and regret all over her face, he would have done anything to take that away and replace it with the love and affection she deserved.

“You mean you wouldn’t have done anything at all,” the words flew out before she had time to censor them. She really didn’t want to know the answer to that.

“No,” he said firmly, though quickly softened his voice again. “I just would have done things differently,”

“Oh.”

They both looked at each other nervously, not liking where this conversation was heading. The fighting they could handle, but actual mature conversation? Now that was something they weren’t used to.

“Look, I am sorry about before. I didn’t mean to yell like that. I’ve had alot on my plate lately and I took it out on you. It wasn’t fair,” Spike said, quick to change the subject. Thinking about what he would have changed about that night would only lead to thoughts, thoughts he should not be having about her.

“Thanks. For the apology, I mean, not for the ranting and raving. I know it’s hard, me being here. Once I get a job, I fully intend to find a place of my own,”

“Don’t leave. Not on my account, at least. You should stay here with Angel. He is family after all. If any one should move, it’s me. Bout time I grew up,” he told her, continuing to pack the briefcase he had abandoned.

“You don’t have to go. It’s like you said about family. Angel is like a brother to you and well, you are more annoying than a brother could ever be,”

“Thanks ever so,”

“Maybe if I stayed, I could help with the rent and bills and stuff. I could save you some money.”

“That would be helpful, I guess.”

“I will talk to Angel about it when he gets home from work,”

“Speaking of which, I had better get to the office. They’ll be starting to think I’m slacking off,” he said as he headed towards the front door, briefcase hooked over his shoulder

“Thanks Spike, for today. I don’t just mean for letting me stay, but for helping me move on. Get some of that closure everyone says I need. After Riley left, I started to think that I …”

Spike paused, standing in the open door, and caught Buffy’s eyes with a firm look. “Don’t ever think you did something wrong. What I did, leaving you without so much as a goodbye? That was wrong. And Riley? What he did, I don’t even have the words. Me, I don’t know what I missed out on, but him? To have you, your love and to throw it away? He will regret it. Trust me. Every day, he will regret it.”





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