Chapter 20
“Is this what you were afraid to tell me?”
Buffy nodded. “I just didn’t know how you would react. My last boyfriend freaked out on me, and I lost all of my friends. I couldn’t take it if that happened again.”
Spike shook his head and pulled her down on his bed, deciding that the serious conversation would wait until after they got back to his house. “You can talk to me, Buffy. What happened?”
Buffy took a deep breath and knew that it was time. “It all started when my mom died. I was a completely different person before that, carefree, fun to be around, popular. I had tons of friends that pretty much idolized me. When she died, it was like a part of me died with her. I dreaded having to live with my father and his new wife. I didn’t really know Addie then, but I know that she never liked me. That was the first time I really ever saw my dad since the divorce. He never cared to visit us and I was okay with that. Everything just fell apart when I moved in with them. Addie was cruel since that first day. I just lost my mother and she did everything to make me feel even worse about it. I became distant from my friends after that. They never really understood me. I think most of the time they were only around me for the popularity. Once that was gone, they couldn’t care less about me.” She paused to wipe her eyes of the tears that she didn’t even realize was there.
Spike grasped her hand in his, giving it a comforting squeeze. “You don’t have to go on if it’s too hard.”
“It’s okay, I need to say this. I’ve been keeping everything inside for too long now. It all started to get to be too much for me to deal with. I just wanted an escape from everything, from school, from the horrible way I was treated at home. I just wanted my mom back. So, I started to cut myself. I…I wanted to feel something. I just wanted the numbness to go away. Addie found out about it and treated me like a freak, like I had a problem. She told my father and acted like it was in my best interest, pretending that she cared in front of him. It was a couple of days later when he took me to the clinic. God, I hated him so much for leaving me at that place. I spent two months there and when I was released, everyone at school pretty much knew about what happened. They treated me like I was nothing, none of my old friends ever really talked to me again. They just pretended like I didn’t exist, and my boyfriend was already with someone else. Someone that I thought was a friend, but it turned out that he was sneaking around with her behind my back. I had to deal with weeks of mocking and ridicule from all of the classmates that used to idolize me. Then my dad got a job offer here and we relocated. I was so happy to leave LA and possibly start over somewhere else, but I had no idea that things would end up being the same here. I was treated like I didn’t belong on my first day at Sunnydale High; they didn’t even need to know the truth about me. Seeing you every day was the only thing that made everything worth it.”
Spike felt touched and couldn’t believe what she had to go through. “I’m glad I could make some of it easier for you, but it just makes me regret the fact that I didn’t talk to you sooner.”
Buffy glanced down at his bedspread, taking another deep breath before looking back up at him. “All I have to say is that it’s a good thing you talked to me when you did. I was planning on killing myself that same day. I just wanted it all to be over, but then you came over to me. And ending my life was the last thing I wanted to do.” She reached out to caress his cheek. “Thank you for saving me.”
Spike felt his eyes tear up, relief like he never felt before go through him. He didn’t know what he would have done if she actually went through with it. With that thought in mind, he wrapped his arms around her and held her close to his chest. “I love you,” he whispered.
Buffy gasped in shock, pulling away to stare at him. “You do?”
He smiled and pressed his lips to her forehead. “I know that it may seem really soon, but it’s not. I think I loved you from the first moment I saw you. It just took me this long to realize it. I suppose it’s my time to share. I’ve only ever had one girlfriend; it was before you came here. Her name was Drusilla and I thought I loved her, but the feelings I have for you don’t even compare. She wasn’t in her right mind, always claimed to have visions. She made up some rot about the sunshine burning me alive. I never really understood it, but I cared for her. I was probably the only one to find her antics charming, while everyone else wondered what I saw in her. To make a long story short, it was never me that she wanted. She only wanted someone that would take care of her. I was blinded by what I thought was love for her that I didn’t even realize she was only with me for my money. When I finally stood up to Dru and told her that I wouldn’t give her anymore, she ended things with me. I found out later on that her parents shipped her away to a special school that could handle someone like her. That was the last I saw of her.”
Buffy felt for him now. “Relationships suck, huh?”
He nodded. “They do at that, but I think we’re finally starting to get things right.”
She agreed. “There’s something I’ve been wondering about. How come you seem to know a lot about Megan? You never dated her, right?”
Spike couldn’t help the laughter that burst out of him. “God, no, I could never be that desperate. The truth is that I’ve known her since we were in the third grade. She was always a little terror, even then. She would constantly chase me around, it was bloody annoying. I hoped that things would change as she got older, but there was no such luck. I just pray that she’s going to a different college. I’ve already been accepted to UC Sunnydale.”
Buffy smiled. “That’s really great, Spike. I was planning to go there, too.”
He returned her smile. “Were you now? Well, imagine my luck.”
She raised her eyebrows. “Wait a second, did you plan that? How did you even know what school I would be going to?”
Spike winked. “I have spies everywhere, Summers.”
Buffy laughed and slapped him on the arm. “You’re such a stalker,” she said teasingly.
He held his hands up. “Guilty, do with me what you will.”
Buffy suddenly took on a serious expression, knowing exactly what she wanted to do. “Make love to me, Spike.”