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Author's Chapter Notes:
Chapter's title comes from The Romantics' song, 'What I like about you'
Chapter IX: What I like about you

That same day, in the late afternoon, Buffy called Willow to find out how things were at the gallery. Willow assured her that everything was fine.

The redhead was worried about Buffy, but when she asked her what was wrong, she got no answer.

Buffy said her goodbyes and hung up before heading back to her room.

Spike was in the library, reading a book that had caught his attention before.

Buffy felt the need to take a bubble bath. She felt exhausted. She really was crying too much these days… It was all Spike’s fault. She knew it. Only because he didn’t pay enough attention to her. Only because he faked his concern and gentleness.

She hated that he held so much power over her. She was starting to realize that her feelings for Spike were deeper than she had first thought. She liked him very much. Like a man. She just didn’t want to study the implications of that…

Buffy heard a knock on her door, and went to open. Spike was standing there, worry etched on his features.

“Buffy, can I come in?”

She thought about it for a moment before letting him enter. He smiled softly at her, and she felt her heart beat faster. **It’s a lie. It’s not for you… he doesn’t see you as anything more than a house mate.**

He motioned her to sit down in her bed, and he sat down next to her. “Buffy, I need to know what’s wrong… I’m worried about you… You’ve been in here all day. It’s not healthy for you to be locked in your room for so much time…”

Buffy lowered her head. If only he knew…

“You have to try and let go of Giles… It’s not healthy for you to do what you’re doing.. he wouldn’t want that.”

That made Buffy snap. Who was he to be giving her advice if he wasn’t even prepared to follow it? She needed to confront him about it, and she was going to. “Spike, you don’t have any right to tell me that. You’re the one that’s still moping for someone that obviously is not with you anymore”

Spike frowned “What are you talking about, pet?”

“Who’s Drusilla?”

This time, his eyes widened. “How do you know her name?”

“Oh, maybe because you call for her in your sleep? Because you beg her to stay with you… to not leave you.”

His eyes were full of rage in a second. “Don’t you dare talk to me about her. It’s NONE of your business”

“It is when you’re giving advice you won’t follow yourself!” She watched as her paced in front of her.

“Well, you know, losing Giles because he was ill is one thing. He died because it was HIS time to go, but to lose your wife knowing you could have stopped it, seeing her dying and knowing it’s all your fault, THAT is difficult to forget.”

Buffy looked at him, her eyes wide and questioning. Wife? He had been married to that woman? He had loved her enough to want to live the rest of his life with her? **And to think he made a big deal about living with me for a month…**

“Why didn’t you tell me?” in reality, she now wished he hadn’t told her anything. Living in ignorance was definitely better than knowing that…

“Because I had no reason to.”

“You could have at least told me you missed her… I cried on your shoulder for my dad… and you couldn’t have trusted me at least a little to make you feel better?”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you… It’s…” he looked down at his clenched fists.

“What?”

“I don’t want to get hurt… I don’t want to trust and then be betrayed… I don’t want to…”

By then, Spike had started crying, and Buffy moved toward him and hugged him.

“I’m sorry, Buffy… I’m a bad man…” She stroked his hair, freeing it of the gel and leaving his curls free.

“You are not a bad man, Spike… Sometimes you seem like you’re too good…”

He lifted his head and looked at her. “You think so?”

“Yes” She stroked his cheek and smiled softly at him.

“Thank you”

“If you ever need anyone to talk about… anything… you can come to me, okay?”

“Yeah, just… not now…”

“Anytime, Spike…”

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A couple of days passed after their talk and things had become more than a little awkward. Especially as far as Buffy was concerned. She now knew openly what Drusilla meant to him. She felt hopeless. Now the only man that genuinely cared for her had someone he couldn’t forget… It was just her luck, really. Plus Spike was avoiding her and it hurt.

Never having been the girl that got other guys’ attention, she now wanted someone to care for her. To want her for who she was, to cherish her… To love her… and now she just couldn’t have it…

She definitely needed to talk to someone. She grabbed her purse and her keys and got out of the house.

Buffy drove without a precise destination for hours, finally picking a place to go, where she knew she could feel protected. She hadn’t been there since the day of Giles’ burial.

Restfield Cemetery.

She walked slowly to the place where her mother and father were buried, side by side. Even in death they had wished to be together, and Buffy had no doubt that even in death, their love hadn’t died.

She sat down in front of the two gravestones and left a flower on each one.

“Hi mommy, hi daddy…. I’m sorry I haven’t visited you since the other day… It’s just that I’ve been really sad about everything…” she sighed “I know you wouldn’t want me to be like this, but is just too much for me… I still don’t understand why you put that clause in your will to get me to live with Spike, Giles. I really don’t get it” Buffy’s eyes welled up in tears “I don’t know why I cry so much these days… Well, I do… and that’s why I came to see you today… I’m confused… I don’t know why I’m feeling what I’m feeling… I have never felt anything like this… It’s Spike” Buffy took a deep breath before continuing. “Since this whole ‘living together’ thing started, I’ve been having trouble getting along with him. He gets kind of annoying sometimes, and I know that maybe it’s my fault many of those times, but… It’s driving me nuts, specially the fact that I’m starting to like him. In his annoyingness, his pigheadedness… his out-of-place comments… I’m liking it all, and it scares me… I have never liked anyone that much to ignore their defects… It scares me… I have always felt that having those feelings makes you vulnerable, and I’m starting to see that I was right. I cry for everything that doesn’t go the way I want it. I now cry because Spike will never like me that way, and it makes me hurt to think that I will have to go on, behaving as if we’re just friends knowing that we’re going to end up going our separate ways, once we’ve honoured your will. I know it sounds pessimistic, but I really want him to see me.”

Buffy toyed with her mother’s gravestone, tracing the inscription at the bottom with her finger.

Beloved mother, wife and friend, you will always be in our hearts.

“You know, mommy, you had it all. I always considered you the luckiest woman in the whole world. You found the love of your life in Giles, you were a mother… I’m not ready to be a mother yet, but… I wish I had someone to love me like Giles loved you”

**I wish SPIKE loved me, even just a little bit…**

Buffy shook her head. No, love was too much. For the moment, she didn’t want that. It brought too much pain if it wasn’t strong enough, and with Drusilla casting a shadow over her, she was sure that Spike’s love was destined to be a painful one.

“He’s like a Rubik cube. So difficult to figure out… and I’m sure that when you do, you discover many faces of different and pretty colors. Colors that you see and then you feel proud because you got to decode them… Spike is still an unsolved Rubik cube to me… and it makes me mad… and I wish I could just…” Buffy stopped her tearful rant when she heard her cell phone ringing in her purse. She fished for it and saw Spike’s name flashing on the display.

She picked up immediately “Hello?”

“Jesus, Buffy, where are you? It’s eleven o’ clock, you didn’t tell me where you were, I was worried!”

Buffy frowned at that. “Are you my mom or something? It’s still early, you know?”

“Well, I was worried! You’ve been out for hours!”

“Well, I wanted some time away from you!”

“ME? What did I do now?”

“YOU made ME feel bad!”

“And how did I bloody do that?”

“You… you…” she couldn’t tell him the truth. She couldn’t tell him she was angry because he had been ignoring her the last few days, she couldn’t tell him what she was really feeling, she couldn’t tell him she was jealous… she just couldn’t. “Ummm… because you were a hypocrite the other day, that’s why”

“WHAT? I wasn’t!”

“You SO were! You tell me I should forget about Giles, and then you come and tell me…”

Spike stopped her. “Didn’t we discuss this the other day, pet? I told you why, you kinda forgave me, we were all happy…”

Buffy knew he was right, but she just couldn’t change the subject abruptly, could she? “I’ll be heading home now”

…Or maybe she could

Spike’s face in the other side of the phone was one of confusion “Buffy, I know that’s not why you’re angry, so maybe we can talk about it when you get home?”

Buffy closed her eyes, and took a deep breath, and then she got an idea. “I will tell you but only if you tell me about Drusilla”

A moment of silence passed, and then Buffy heard the dial tone.

He had hung up.

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