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Chapter 41

Xander wandered into the library. He tried to focus on the subject of the meeting they would be having, but the events of the night before kept playing over and over in his mind.

A Vampire had not only saved his life but had actively offered himself up as a protector to a human.

Xander had never had another male stand up for him like that. True, the only men in his life so far had been his dad, Jesse, and Giles. Jesse probably would have had it been necessary and Giles didn’t need to because Buffy would, but his dad was a different story. ‘He’d probably ignore the threat if there was something on the TV that he wanted to watch, or if he was too drunk, and even then he’d probably join in the bashing of the Xan-man,’ he thought bitterly. His father tended to either blame him or ignore him.

Spike. They weren’t even really friends. Sure, they had been cautiously friendly to each other, but they hadn’t really moved into the ‘friends for life’ club yet. The vampire seemed to stand in a group all of his own. He wasn’t a demon that needed to be killed on sight. He didn’t have a soul, but he was still one of the good guys. It totally went against everything that Xander had believed in, so now he was questioning those beliefs.

“Hey, Harris,”

Xander looked up at the greeting to find the individual he had spent most of the night and day thinking about. Maybe Spike would have some much needed answers.

“Hi Spike,” the youth said as he joined the vampire at the table. “Waiting for Buffy?”

Xander had to smile at the way the tough master vampire shyly nodded and only just managed to hold his excitement in check. ‘Dude, you are sooo owned by the Buffster,’ he thought, amused.

“Um…can we…er…talk?” Xander asked uncomfortably.

Spike tilted his head to the side and studied the youth. Clearly the boy had something on his mind. Spike fervently hoped it had nothing to do with the time related problems they had. “What’s this all about, mate?” he asked gesturing to the chair next to him.

Xander thought about what he wanted to say as he moved to sit down. “I…I guess I want to know why?”

“Why, what?” Spike asked quietly.

“Why are you so different? I mean…I hate vamps. Why don’t I hate you?” Xander whispered. He desperately wanted to understand. He needed to know he wasn’t betraying Jesse.

Spike considered the miserable boy. There was clearly something more to this than Xander was letting on. The vampire had the feeling that whatever was at the bottom of the boy’s concerns and how he addressed them would have a profound effect on their relationship.

“Not really sure, mate. I think it’s a combination of a lot of factors. Part of it has to be that I’m not like the vamps you lot meet because I’m not a minion.” Spike answered carefully. “I was turned as a childe; to be a companion rather than a worker. The vamps you meet are usually minions that have been turned by other minions. You see them straight out of the grave and completely lost to their blood lust. Most of them are brainless gits that you should bloody hate.”

“Darla was the Master’s childe,” Xander said to himself, unaware that he had actually spoken out loud.

“Yeah, the bitch was the favoured childe of old batface. I heard Angelus dusted the diseased whore, how did you know her?” Spike asked with gentle curiosity.

“She turned my best friend,” Xander replied flatly. The pain of his loss was evident in his voice. “I never told the others, but he was still sorta the same, just with no restraints. It didn’t matter to him if something was…you know…morally wrong.”

Taking a deep breath, he continued. “He wanted Cordelia when he was alive but she wasn’t interested. We were the school geeks as far as she was concerned. When he saw her that night, he was gonna rape her, kill her, and turn her.” Xander was lost in his memories, horrified by what had happened, what he had been forced to do. “I had to dust him,” he whispered in a guilt ridden voice.

Turning desperate eyes on the blond vampire at his side, Xander begged for some sort of explanation. Something that could help him cope with the near overwhelming guilt that had plagued his nights. “What if he was like you? What if he could have been saved, too? What if I was wrong?” he voiced his inner-most fears.

“Listen to me, Xander. You can’t think like that. I was never like other vamps. One of my first actions as a vampire was to dust someone that I loved more than anything in this world. Turning had changed her so much that she wasn’t the person I loved anymore, and I knew that she would have hated what she had become. I saved her from that. Just like you saved your friend,” Spike spoke with earnest conviction. The memory of his mother’s turning still weighed heavily on his mind.

Xander looked at Spike with hope filled eyes. He so wanted to believe what the blond was telling him.

“What was his name? Tell me about him,” Spike gently encouraged.

“Jesse. His name was Jesse,” Xander smiled sadly as he remembered his friend.

When Buffy and Willow arrived at the library they were surprised to see Spike and Xander laughing and joking together.

Willow felt like she’d been the one sent back to a time when Xander and Jesse had been inseparable. She knew that when they lost Jesse they’d also lost a part of Xander’s sparkle, but something had given it back to him and she suspected it had something to do with the laughing blond vampire that Xander was sitting with. Willow didn’t know how Spike had done it, but she would never forget the gift he had returned to them in Xander.

Buffy stood in shock. The new ability that she’d been trying to master was showing her something had changed. When she looked at them directly she couldn’t catch what it was, but when she let her eyes lose focus she could see it plain as day. The darkness that had been slowly enveloping her Xander-shaped friend had receded. She had noticed it was lighter the day before, but now it was almost gone. The light shining from her super drool-worthy vampire was shining brightly. His glow seemed to be hovering over Xander. If Buffy didn’t know that such things were impossible she might even describe it as almost protective. ‘Looks like Bigfoot’s gonna have to do some work,’ she mused thoughtfully.





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