Spike was desperately searching for something to say, suddenly finding the situation more than awkward. When he and Buffy first got back to his apartment, he’d told her to make herself feel at home while he’d make them something to drink. She’d looked a little worried for a moment, and remembering what she’d been up to last night, he’d offered her a soda, which she’d gratefully accepted.
When he came back with their beverages; soda for her and a beer for him, Buffy was sitting on the couch, nervously fidgeting with her skirt. Handing her the soda, he sat down next to her. “So…um…” He cleared his throat. “Wanna watch some telly? I think Passions’ on.” Then he cringed at his stupidity, remembering that she’d always hated that show. “Or we could watch a movie or something.”
Buffy looked a little surprised. “Okay. But I thought you wanted to talk.” Then she mentally cursed herself for reminding him, watching a movie sounded so much better. She knew they would have to have ‘the talk’ sooner or later, but she’d prefer it to be later. “Actually, watching a movie sounds like a great idea, I’d like that.”
Spike nodded, looking a little relieved. “Alright.” He hesitated. “What do you wanna watch?”
She shrugged, giving him a smile. “Surprise me.”
Almost two hours later, Buffy glanced over at Spike again, for what must have been the fiftieth time. The movie was almost over, but if anyone would’ve asked her what they’d been watching, she honestly wouldn’t have been able to tell. They were sitting next to each other on the couch, so close they were almost touching. She wished that he would put his arm around her. Being this close to him was almost torture.
Buffy caught him glancing back at her, and blushed. There was no way she’d be able to concentrate on the movie when she was so close to him. Maybe it had been a mistake, coming here? No, she wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. But this wouldn’t do. She took a deep breath, and spoke; “Spike?”
He immediately looked at her, like he’d just been waiting for her to make the first move. “Yeah?”
‘Don’t do this!’ a little voice inside her head was screaming. ‘If you’re gonna be friends again, you’ll have to get used to sitting next to him without jumping him. You can handle this.’
But if they were going to be friends, she also knew that she needed to be honest with him. Ignoring the little voice, that wanted her to take the easy way out, Buffy sighed. “Can we turn off the tv? This is too weird for me.”
Spike frowned. “It’s Matrix, it’s not that weird. But if you’d rather watch something else…”
“No, I meant…” Buffy was getting frustrated. “This is weird, us, sitting like this.” She hadn’t meant to just blurt it out like that, but now it was too late to take it back. She saw the hurt look on Spike’s face, and had to bite her lip to keep from crying as he paused the movie and got up. “Where are you going? We have to talk about this!”
“Not going anywhere. I just…” He sat down in the arm chair instead. “This better? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…” He hesitated. “Maybe this was a mistake, coming here.”
“No, I just…” Buffy swallowed. ”This is hard for me. You know how I feel, and…” She blushed. “Being this close to you, it’s nice, I admit it. But it also makes me feel… I mean, I know you don’t feel the same way about me.”
Spike closed his eyes for a moment. Then he got up from the chair, and sat down next to her again. “Buffy, I…”
She raised her hand to stop him. “You don’t have to apologize, it’s not like you can change how you feel. But then, neither can I. Sure, I can try, but…” A tear slowly rolled down her cheek. “Can we really do this, be friends, I mean? Can you handle it? Me feeling this way about you? Because I don’t know if I can, it’s just too…”
He interrupted her by gently cupping her cheek, then he leaned closer and kissed her. In a state of shock, Buffy returned the kiss for a moment. Then she pulled back abruptly, staring at him with wide eyes. “What…why…?” She shook her head as if to clear it, then suddenly jumped up from the couch, and ran out of the room.
“Buffy? Are you okay? You’ve been in there for almost fifteen minutes. Come on, luv, come back out here!” Spike was starting to get desperate, Buffy had locked herself into the bathroom, and he had no idea what to do. He cursed himself for kissing her like that, but he hadn’t been thinking, just acting on pure impulse. Obviously, it had been the wrong thing to do.
Flashes from another night, more than a year ago, suddenly came back to him. Then he’d also been standing outside this bathroom, knocking and pleading, but then it had been Drusilla, not Buffy, on the other side of the door. And when he’d finally managed to get inside…
“Buffy, open the bloody door! Now!” The fear and desperation in his voice must had been obvious, because he immediately heard a ‘click’ and the door swung open. He let out a sigh of relief when he saw Buffy standing in front of him, looking cautious, but safe. She was staring at him now, a worried look on her face, and he realized that he was shaking.
She took a step closer to him, then hesitated. “I’m sorry. I just panicked, and… Spike? Are you okay?”
He nodded, desperately trying to push all thoughts of Drusilla to the back of his mind. “Yeah, sure. Buffy, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…” He hesitated for a moment, not knowing how to go on. “I wasn’t thinking, can we… just pretend that kiss never happened?” He realized that it had been the wrong thing to say, when he saw the expression on her face change from worry, to disappointment, to fury. And it was directed at him.
TBC
A/N: I know, I know. I'm evil for leaving it there. But you know me by now, can't end a chapter without a cliff-hanger. Just in case you all hate me now and want to kill me slowly and painfully, just thought I'd let you know that the next chap is all done and waiting, and I'll post it really soon. :)