Spike gulped, realizing that he’d messed up big time. “Buffy, wait! That didn’t come out right, I didn’t mean…”
Buffy interrupted him, staring at him furiously. “And what exactly did you mean? Don’t play games with me, Spike.”
He shook his head in denial. “I don’t.”
She let out a bitter laugh. “Really? You know how I feel about you! You kiss me, and then tell me to forget it? That is so low. Was that your plan all along, to get back at me for hurting you all those years ago? You wanted to hurt me the way I hurt you? In that case, congratulations, you’ve succeeded!”
Spike took a deep breath, and counted to ten before speaking. He’d forgotten how good she’d always been at pissing him off. “I never meant to hurt you. If you’d just stop yelling for a moment, I’ll explain.” She glared at him, but remained silent. “Buffy, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you like that.” Seeing that she was about to interrupt again, he hurriedly went on. “It’s not that I didn’t want to do it, I did. But…” He hesitated, suddenly unsure of what he was trying to tell her.
A part of him wanted to smack himself over the head, asking himself what the hell he was doing. He’d wanted to kiss her, and she’d obviously wanted him to kiss her, otherwise she wouldn’t have been so upset with him for saying what he did. So what was the problem? He supposed it was just that things suddenly seemed to go way too fast. He didn’t question how he felt about her, or how she felt about him, he knew that. But yet he was afraid.
There were things about him that she didn’t know, bad things, things that could change the way she felt about him. He’d already let her come back into his life as a friend, if they took things to the next level, and then it turned out that she couldn’t handle the truth… He just wasn’t sure if he could survive losing her again after that. He’d meant for them to take things slow, and then he’d gone and kissed her. Not to mention the fact that by doing so, he’d hurt her. He really was an idiot.
“You wanted to kiss me? Why? You don’t…” Buffy stopped, looking at him in confusion. Then she shook her head, suddenly looking very tired. “This is just too… I should just go.” She turned around to grab her purse.
Without thinking he stepped over to her, gently putting his hands on her shoulders. “Please, don’t go.”
Buffy sighed, but there was the slightest sign of hope in her eyes. “Why not?”
“Because I…” He swallowed. “Because I love you.”
“Buffy, say something.” It could only have been a couple of minutes, but to Spike it felt like hours. Buffy had yet to say a word, and it was starting to freak him out.
Finally Buffy seemed to snap out of it, giving him a wary look. “You… love me?” He nodded. “Oh.” Then she became silent again.
Spike was starting to think that telling her like this hadn’t been such a great idea, judging by her reaction. “'Oh?' That’s it?”
“What do you expect me to say?!”
Okay, now she was yelling again. Spike sighed. “I don’t know, I… Buffy, if you’ll just let me…”
“You love me?”
“Yes. Buffy…”
He’d wanted her to talk, now he just wished she would stop interrupting him. But it seemed like she had other ideas. “Okay, did you just realize that now, or…?” He shook his head, opening his mouth to speak, but she went on. “How long?”
He looked at her with a blank expression on his face, until he realized that she was done, and now expected him to speak. “A while.”
Clearly, Buffy wasn’t pleased with that answer. “How. Long?”
Spike sighed. “Since high school.”
To his surprise, Buffy started laughing. Then she suddenly stopped. “Is this a joke?” Swallowing, Spike shook his head again. Her behaviour was really starting to make him nervous. She was staring at him, a doubtful expression on her face. “You love me?”
“I think we’ve established that already, luv.”
“Don’t call me that! How can you just…God!”
“Buffy…” He took a step towards her, reaching out for her, but she stubbornly took a step back. “Right, so we’re back to hating each other?” He was hurt by her reaction, and was not going to hide it.
Buffy let out a frustrated growl. “I never hated you! God, Spike, you can’t just blurt something like this out and expect me to… All this time… I can’t believe…” She took a deep breath, trying to calm down. “Why have you never said anything?”
“Oh, like you did?”
He sounded angry, and she realized that he was right. She sighed. “Okay, I admit…” Then she remembered something. “Wait, that is so not the same. You were seeing someone! I never told you because you were with Drusilla! What’s your excuse?”
Spike opened his mouth, but closed it again, not knowing how to respond. She was right, of course. When she’d started avoiding him, back in high school, he’d thought that he’d done something to upset her. But he’d had these feelings for her before that. In fact, that was the reason he’d started dating Dru in the first place, because he’d been too afraid to be honest with Buffy. If he only had been, then the last two years probably would’ve turned out differently.
He suddenly realized that it was all his fault, starting with their ruined friendship, to them both spending the last two years apart, being miserable, and finally leading up to the horrible end of his sick and twisted relationship. All this time, he and Buffy could’ve been happy, together, if only he hadn’t been such a coward. Fighting back the tears that threatened to well up, he looked at Buffy, a pleading note in his voice. “I don’t have an excuse. I’m sorry.”
Buffy looked like she was at loss for words. Her bottom lip was trembling, and when she finally spoke, he could hardly hear what she was saying. “I think I'd better go.”
Defeated, he just nodded. Buffy inhaled, shakily. “I need some time to…” She didn’t finish, but he nodded again. Giving him one last look, Buffy picked up her purse, and headed towards the door. Spike wanted to stop her, beg her to stay, but he knew he didn’t have the right. All he could do was stand there, and watch her leave. Then, just as she was about to walk out the door, Buffy stopped.
TBC