”Buffy…” Spike sighed, and closed his eyes. Images of Buffy’s unmoving body flashed through his mind, and he opened them again. “Can we do this later, I really don’t wanna talk about this now?” The concerned, yet stubborn look in her eyes told him that she would have none of it. “Please? It was just a bloody dream, it’s no big deal.”
Buffy snorted. “Right!” She looked at him, a thoughtful expression on her face. “Maybe I should just go, then.”
Spike swallowed, trying not to let the panic show. “If that’s what you want.”
She let out a frustrated sigh. “No, what I want is for you to stop acting like a dope, and talk to me!”
“Buffy, I told you…” He frowned. “Did you just call me a dope?” She just raised her eyebrows in response, and he couldn’t help but chuckle. “Alright, I’m a dope. But you still love me, right?”
“Yes. Now, talk to me.” Buffy snuggled closer to him again, but he was unable to relax.
“If I refuse, are you leaving?” He didn’t look at her, so he didn’t see how she desperately tried to blink away tears.
“No, I’m not going anywhere. But I…”
“What do you wanna know?” Spike finally looked at her, and noticed the surprised look on her face.
She looked at him as if she was trying to figure out if he was serious. “If I tell you, will you answer?”
He shrugged. “Depends. Maybe.” Then he looked her in the eyes. “I’ll try.”
Buffy nodded, desperately trying to figure out how to begin. “The nightmare you just had, was it about Drusilla?” He nodded. “The accident?”
Spike hesitated, before nodding again. “Yeah. But, Buffy…”
“You really don’t wanna talk about this, do you?” Her face was a mix of sadness and concern.
He sighed. “Not really, no. But I have a feeling you’re not just gonna let this go.” He didn’t understand why she was being so persistent about this. It was late, he was tired, and the last thing he wanted to do right now, was having this particular conversation. If she’d just give him some time…
That’s bloody bollocks, and you know it, an annoying little voice said inside his head. Face it, mate, you don’t wanna have this conversation, ever. You really expect to ever be able to have some kind of relationship with Buffy if you can’t even talk to her?
“Okay… the accident.” He decided to start there. “Dru and I had a fight earlier that day.” He stopped, uncertain how to go on.
“About what?” Buffy blushed, waving her hand in dismiss. “Sorry, so not of my business. Rude much, Buffy? Forget it, just go on.”
“Right. Um…” Spike hesitated. “Remember when I told you my relationship with Dru was kinda complicated?” Buffy nodded. “Well, she was…” Suddenly, he felt very stupid telling her about his and Dru's relationship, and looked away. “She was not exactly being faithful, if you know what I mean.”
“What?” Buffy stared at him in shock. “She was cheating on you?” Spike nodded, still not looking at her, and she gasped. “Oh my God, did you just find out the same day as she…?” Buffy couldn’t finish the sentence, suddenly feeling nauseous.
Spike shook his head. “No, I knew before that. It wasn’t the first time.”
Now, Buffy was beyond shocked, mouth open. “You knew? How long…?” He just shrugged. “And you stayed with her?!”
Standing up, Spike ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. “You have to understand…”
Buffy interrupted him, snorting. “Understand?! How can you say that? You stayed with her, even though you knew she was seeing other guys! Why?”
Spike was starting to get annoyed, not to mention worried. If Buffy was reacting this strongly, just because he’d let Dru get away with cheating on him, how would she react if he told her the rest of the story? “You know what, let’s just forget the whole thing.”
Buffy took a deep breath, obviously trying to calm down. “I’m sorry, I just…” She got up as well, and walked over to him, putting her hand on his arm. “I’m trying to understand, I really am, but…” She gave him a pleading look. “Spike, why didn’t you just leave her? You deserved better than that.” When he didn’t answer, she wrapped her arms around him, hugging him close. “I’m so sorry.”
He hugged her back, absently. Suddenly he found it hard to believe that he’d actually considered telling Buffy everything, expecting her to understand. She wouldn’t. She’d be horrified, then disgusted with him, and then she’d leave him. But he needed her. Until she’d reappeared into his life, he hadn’t realized how much, but now he knew.
That’s why he couldn’t tell her. Spike didn’t want to lie to her, but he couldn’t tell her the truth about his relationship with Drusilla, not if he wanted Buffy to stay in his life. And he did. He’d loved her for so long, and now it turned out that she felt the same way about him. Vaguely aware of tightening his grip around her, he made up his mind. He’d tell Buffy what she wanted to know about the accident, but that was it. The rest of it, he’d keep to himself.
A part of him knew that he should tell her anyway, that if she really did love him, she’d understand. But he was terrified of losing her again, now when he’d finally gotten her back. He also feared that the nightmares would only get worse, and if he didn't talk to someone soon, he’d go insane. But the fear of not having Buffy in his life anymore was far worse than that. So he would pretend that everything was fine, do anything to keep Buffy from finding out that in fact, it really wasn’t.
Still, a part of him doubted that it was the right thing to do. Not telling Buffy the truth was the same as lying to her. What if she’d start suspecting that he was hiding something? Then she’d think that he didn’t trust her. And if he couldn’t trust the woman he loved, was there really a point to their relationship? But on the other hand, without her, what was the point of anything?
TBC